#BlogLife909 - Awol postponement/Exploiting kindness

Originally I was leaving at the end of the month, then it was this week, now it's next month.

Her son is spitefully insisting he visit, this or next week so me and Mama don't get to spend our birthdays together.

Most of me doesn't give a crap and the rest is a smidgen disappointed.

How do I know it's on purpose? She let slip, fares are expensive so he's making less trips, but yet has insisted on visiting in July and August? Why???

Well we alllll know why, evilness.

I'm used to being the lowest priority, nobody really goes to bat for me, so it's fine.

I don't celebrate, it's just a regular day but I like surprising her with gifts and chilling out, switching off, just relaxing away from the chaos of my life.

I was looking forward to that but it will happen, just later than expected.

Yesterday I settled on her gift, well upgraded it. All she wanted was a red toaster, she loves that shade, as do I.

But I thought what would be even more fun, was to get her a mini press grill, like mine, but in red, oof it was pricey but mine has lasted years and years.

I hope hers does the same. It's easy to use and very stylish actually. It will probably arrive next week, hopefully before her birthday.

A lil update. I've finished the other body butter and am using the new one, I don't like the fragrance as much.

I'll have to look it up, ahh it's the dark amber, not so keen on it but the American Dream golden dusk was much nicer.

It's nice and thick but it still seems less moisturising than before.

I'm still using the Astral moisturiser, actually I'm enjoying it more than I thought.

My skin is nice and hydrated. I only need to use a tiny amount because it's quite greasy but if you don't use much, it's a better experience.

My face doesn't feel oily and smothered. It's just light and soft, with a lovely generic scent.

The breakouts are here and there but I am eating a lot of sugar so that could be why.

Hmm I guess the other thing bothering me is, I feel a lil irritated.

There's a new random AA/J and he's fine but it always seems to be that same pattern.

I'm not keen on meets or photos. They send one and I roll my eyes thinking ugh, I didn't want to see you and now you'll pressure me for one back.

I stand my ground and then other times, I think, maybe I should compromise.

In photo form as opposed to me in general I feel unattractive. It just highlights me in the most unflattering form.

That's why I despise photos of myself, I can look in the mirror and think cuteee but in camera images, I think yuck, it just knocks my confidence.

Anyway I've talked about that many times, it won't change, no matter how many inches I lose.

So I ended up sending non face pictures, hand photos from when I had long nails and painted designs on them for fun.

And instead of acknowledging, Oh that must have been difficult for you, I appreciate it and won't ask for more.

It's like he gloated, Ha, you said you wouldn't send and you did.

I always feel exploited, as though, I try to be kind and meet someone halfway or push myself out of my comfort zone to not be selfish...

And then it's taken advantage off. I wish for once, someone would say.....

I won't ask for more, you did me a favour and that's all I wanted. Case closed.

Thanks for trying but he was like, send me more images...... I'm just feeling a bit raw.

It's the same experience, take take take, nobody just accepts me for who I am.

I'm always expected to change. It just makes me feel like crap.

I always had that feeling in the back of my mind....... You're not good enough as you are, You need to be better.

So when things like that happen, it takes me back to feeling inadequate.

Trying my best and it still wasn't good enough. My thoughts got interrupted by the Iceland guy ha.

That was unusual, the tracking didn't update and he said, something wasn't in stock but due today, so will be re-delivered later maybe?

I found that so weird, ha, nice but strange. Usually it's hard luck, it's out of stock sorry, we'll refund you.

It's only the veggie samosas, I just wanted some snack items. Talking of which, I did see a few things to try.

Lion breakfast cereal bars, looked fun 6x£1, it was supposed to be £1.25 but it was on sale, woop.

That's what I was going to say. I hate that I have no issue spoiling others, that's exciting to me.

But when it comes to myself, sometimes I don't feel I deserve it? Why not??

I'm out of all my favourite perfumes and I was browsing for Elizabeth Taylor En Rouge and I saw it for £23 maybe.

I thought hmm, bit steep, then I was sent an offer so now it's £20, very reasonable for a 100ml bottle.

It was double that I'm sure last time, but I ended up paying £18 I think and I was so happy.

But I'm still hesitant to purchase it. Just seems extravagant, even though it's something I need and want.

I'm still internally debating it. I guess that's it really. I wonder if anyone will ever see me, appreciate me and think...

That woman, SS, I like her just as she is, I won't push her to sacrifice herself to me.

I'll just embrace her uniqueness. I know that sometimes she will pull away from me. I won't crowd her.

I know sometimes she won't want to have a serious conversation. I'll joke with her, not at her.

I know that sometimes she'll be prickly and extra sensitive to words so I'll make sure she feels special and cared for,

And lastly I know that she's been hurt a lot in the past and continues to be in stressful situations..

Her first instinct is to run, heal, step away and build her walls back up but I know that in these times, she needs me even more to comfort her, to be there, not to push, but if she wants anything at all, without expecting something back in return..

I'll be there for moral support, not because I have too but because I want too.

She has no-one, had no-one but now I'm here.

I mean wouldn't that be lovely??!!

#BlogLife784 - The right scent can pick you off the floor..

A couple of things before I forget. I've been using the Clean and Clear moisturiser and for the most part it's fine but I notice some dry patches on my forehead, it's removing some of the moisture out of my skin.

I don't think I would recommend it. Also I saw some Heinz £2.50 hash browns filled with baked beans and that's a lovely breakfast item, for something different, they just need to be cooked well, maybe 20 minutes instead of 15.

It's a lil pricey but I have to admit, it's a big size and quite a lot in the bag so it's worth it, I only cooked one, to sample it and that was enough to fill me up, as well as having the minced bake.

Also because Iceland has been sold out of the creamy chicken bakes, not surprisingly, it's the best one in the range, I decided to try the beef one, as I can't keep eating the same things.

It's actually quite tasty and I seemed to tolerate it well, considering I'm not craving beef that much these days.

All the groceries are unpacked but they keep being sold out of the low fat coleslaw, which is a shame, maybe I should get the regular one?

I also completely forgot about the Radox bath soak, the new one, Sleep Aromatherapy..

I oiled my hair and rinsed it and it's very soft and bouncy, probably needs another trim though, looks a bit too full and scruffy but at least it's not completely flat, it definitely seems to have a fair bit of volume at the back, not the front though, pity.

The Radox had a stronger scent when I started applying it, I cannot pinpoint the fragrance, it's just pleasant.

I googlied it and it's chamomile and white valerian, plus other herbs, it's not sweet or sour really, a blend of the two maybe?

Apparently it's an apple or vanilla type of perfume but not to me. I found using it quite relaxing, I don't feel sleepy as such, just calm.

Pmt is still bad, can't stop feeling sicky and cramping. When I exited the shower/bath, the smell lingered on my skin, subtly, it's less pungent than the others but I don't mind it, I would recommend it.

I have an hour to kill before I have to leave for my UC appointment.

I've already done my hair and makeup and although it's 12pmish, and my tum is grumbling, I don't have an appetite.

I had an orange tictac to try and settle my belly and I think it helped actually.

I will eat properly when I return, sometimes food helps and others times, I just end up vomiting, I don't want to take the risk.

Last thing I'm really annoyed about, as I had time and there was light, I tried to do the Parissa eyebrow strips.

One whole strip for each eye, I rubbed them together for a while, peeled them apart and it didn't separate properly, ugh!!

It happened with both of them, they were unusable, I was so irritated, I had to bin them both.

I tried to pluck a bit, but there is a lot of stray hairs and I gave up and just did a heavy makeup look.

Foundation, powder, layers of red, pink and purple eyeshadow and just left it.

And looking at my clothes now, I see now, they are all baggy and too big for me but they are comfy.

If I ever can afford it and I need new outfits, I'll shop for smaller sizes.

I'm not dieting but with all the stress, my appetite has shrunk.

#BlogLife727 - Alternative to pizza

While it's fresh I'll write the Salcura face wash review. It came out as a gel, mustard colour with a faint fruity scent.

It reluctantly foamed on the face brush and felt nice and light. I'm currently breaking out a lil at the moment.

Could be stress, sugar, pmt or all of the above. Seems like a nice wash at the moment, not sure how effective it will be at treating the acne and dryness.

That men's face wash is drying my face, the men's ones all seem to do that.

I'm having to apply moisturiser multiple times a day and that's not something I use a lot in summer.

I also tried Dunkin Doughnuts for the first time I think, as it's part of the pre-celebratory birthday cake phase.

I got the cocoa hazelnut 2x £2.50 not cheap but a good size and nice amount of filling, it's not too much and I prefer that.

Very messy but tasty, I still prefer the plain or jam and cream but this was a treat and I recommend it.

I am stuffed just had the mini pizza alternative, flatbread with toppings of cheese, onion and garlic, heavenly.

I decided to post this as I'm still away but having a good time. The tension has left my body.

I was having an issue redeeming the Just Eat giftcard but I didn't realise there is a dedicated section that you have to click on and then it gets applied to the account.

Me and Mama's fish and chips cost £2.39 afterwards ha. She's due back from swimming soon so she wanted it here, when she returns.

And I ordered some more lingerie. I wish Marks would come up with new designs, it's been the same patterns for years.

I tried the scrub, it doesn't have a scent but a pretty green colour and works effectively at smoothing the skin.

The last beauty review is for the Joy lip balm, and a medium thick kinda creamy gel.

It seems quite effective at softening the mouth and retaining the moisture after it's evaporated a bit.

I still have to reapply it after munching, drinking and washing my face but I like it currently.

I'll just add about the Salcura face wash, that it completely removed all my blemishes and leaves my face clear and soft.

It does take a bit of effort to remove it, tends to stick to the skin but I would recommend it for problematic skin.

#BlogLife706 - Look beautiful daily

I've just tried the Yes To Tomatoes moisturiser, I thought it would have a fruity scent, but it's more like a faint perfumey one.

It's pleasant and the cream is light, not too thin or thick. I'm glad I'm washing it off and doing the cleanser and mask soon.

As looking at my face it looks dewy and oily. It feels weirdly grainy. I can't really explain that, as there are no beads.

I don't like the finish on my face but it doesn't feel heavy either. I always wash moisturisers off as it's too greasy and I don't like accidentally rubbing my eyes and having cream burning my eyes/lenses.

My experience is that most moisturisers somehow just don't seem to 100% absorb into my skin so that's another reason to rinse it off.

I still get the coating but without the extra oils, yuck. Perfect for my combination oily/dry skin.

Next I just applied the Yes To Grapefruit cleanser on top, that smells fruity and chemically, not bad.

It comes out slowly as it's a thick mask consistency, with a crazy neon bright orangey/peachy colour.

It feels soft on the face, I'm not sure if it will harden. It's supposed to change colours when the face is clean..

There was no tightness as it dried and I don't mind that sensation because to me it feels like it's giving my face a workout and keeping it youthful.

I don't feel I can use my face brush with these products, I don't want them to come off, just yet.

Alright there is no instructions on how long it should last and apparently I was supposed to have massaged it in, oh well.

I got to pluck my eyebrows at some point too. I'm not even sure whether to use a mask afterwards.

The cleanser is a wash/mask hybrid. Hmm. It's been about half an hour and there was no colour change.

Maybe it's more of a light skin thing, which I did wonder about. I'm going to wash it off now.

My face feels soft and stripped, it was fairly simple to rinse off. My skin is definitely glowing, I have that, just had a professional facial done, feeling.

I do have some scars on my face so I'm going to follow it up with a mask.

I do recommend the cleanser, not sure about the moisturiser, when washed off it's fine, if left on the skin, it's just disgusting.

#BlogLife647 - My therapy costs money!!

Song of the day - Shenseea/Masicka/Di Genius - Hit & Run

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXuTYq1vCsg&list=WL&index=49

I'm not a professional therapist but I did study psychology and counselling but only at the basic levels.

I don't claim to know everything or be have the ability to fix everyone that crosses my path.

However I am empathetic, intelligent and a great listener.

I can sense issues and most of the time know how to respond in a beneficial manner.

But that's limited to being in a controlled area like volunteering. 

Not in a chatroom, where certain people want my help, my patience and my advice for free.

Like most sensible people chatrooms are to have a giggle and destress.

It's not fair to offload significant problems onto strangers aka me.

As I feel obligated to assist and that spoils my mood.

Seek a proper psychotherapist or a volunteer service designed to support you.

I always joke about charging for advice but half of me actually means it.

Why should I be burdened with your catastrophic life??

Do what I do, help yourself or get outside assistance.

Don't rely on strangers to save you.

This random was like..How do I save someone who doesn't want to be helped, who isn't listening anymore?

I detached myself and bluntly said..,if they are that determined,  they will find a way.

You can try an intervention or having them committed but ultimately they have to choose to want to live.

Just like I did. I can't be there for everyone. I don't want too.

I have enough on my plate. I'm not here to carry everyone's else's baggage too.

I've had many depressed randoms just complaining and expecting me to just cheerfully make them whole.

Ugh that is so draining and I feel disgusted with them, that they are content to stomp on my fun and carefree mood just to get some attention.

I can be nice in the right environment but chatrooms are not it!!

I also resent that I'm expected to give the perfect sympathetic reply to make them feel good.

When in truth, I actually couldn't care less!

I don't know you, we are strangers, I'm not responsible for your happiness, just my own.

I'm always expected to play therapist and I'm sick of it.

You want to depress me too? Make me as miserable as you are??

Pay for it!! Amazon/PayPal I care not. Either will do.

You self centred individual!!

I just started using the new face wash, Skin Expert and the new moisturiser Dove body love.

The face wash no longer smells like dish washing liquid. It's clear and gloopy, applies and washes off easily.

But I have a strong feeling it's drying out my face, I have been applying moisturiser multiple times a day, using my face mask all weekend and prior to this, my face was smooth and clear.

Now I am breaking out in pimples, it feels really dry and I don't think it's doing me any good.

But I'm going to continue using it for now, as I don't have any others, if my skin gets worse I will definitely bin in though.

The moisturiser is lovely and light, has a wonderful strong rose smell.

It seems to be moisturising but my face is problematic at the moment, so it's hard to tell how effective it is.

I just love the scent though. Oh I tried out the Regal raita dip, I hated it.

I always hope it will taste like the shops version, savoury, minty, runny yoghurt and flavourful but it never does.

Try as they might, they cannot replicate it.

#BlogLife597 - Peekaboo penpal

Good morning. My stomach is doing that unsettled thing so I thought I would go ahead and blog in bed.

I'm tired but not sleepy. I just took out a Prime trial to avoid postage fees.

I found what I was initially searching for, Mama's soft fluffy rug and she wanted it in a red shade.

The price was reasonable and then I added homemade fudge, Ferrero dark chocolate, and various orange, lemon, blackcurrant and possibly cherry drinks.

There were quite a few offers but I spent more than I planned.

Although it is for the holidays so it can't be helped and I'm looking forward to reviewing them.

I got a new penpal request last week and only noticed it today.

He seems relatively normal, but didn't include his age and he is from the UK and made it clear he was single. Hmm..

I made enquiries and then equally as blatant I gave my usual speech about ignoring the romance inspired emails and that I was a bacherloretta for life.

Ha! He got the message and didn't dwell on it, which would have irritated me a lot..

He was somewhat candid and I thought I will proceed at my own slow careful pace.

He already asked to peruse the blog and I declined. I'm sick to death of being judged and bombarded with personal questions, straight away.

Nobody has earned that right, to think they know me entirely from skimming a few bloody words!

Had to get that rant out of the way. I'm getting this really umm uncomfortable vibe.

Maybe I am overreacting? I feel like he (K), is indirectly flirtatious.

Yea I am not wrong. He has started putting kisses at the end of every email and emphasising on what a romantic he is.

I will cut him loose soon. No matter how clear I am about wanting a platonic penship, it's usually the same mushy crap that I receive.

It's very off-putting. I think I need to eat and drink, the anti nausea isn't helping for once.

I'm not even sure if Postie has come and gone because I felt so tired this morning, I fell back into a deep sleep.

I finished the other two moisturisers and now I'm using the Cien Q10 Intensive.

It's a bit heavier than the other two, the Derma V10 and the Neutrogena.

It seems to sit on the face and wait to be really rubbed in, I'm not used to working that hard, normally they absorb easily.

But I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my face was white ha.

It does leave my face soft but less is more and I feel it weighted on my skin.

I will leave it on for a while and then rinse off the surface layer with a face wash, otherwise I will eventually rub it into my eyes. Ouchy!

Oh I just got an email to say the purple lippy arrived and it was in my mailbox.

It looked dark enough but it isn't, it needs to be mixed to make it darker.

It's quite thick and not that moisturising, I would definitely need a lip balm or clear gloss under or over it.

Amazon is driving me nuts today. The first message that popped up on my account was..

There is an issue, we had to cancel/recall an item and I thought Oh No, which one??

But my wifi wasn't on. I always take it off at night so when I put it on, the message disappeared.

Then they said, there was a problem with a delivery but my account said received.

Arghhhh what is going on?? At least Mama mia confirmed she got the fudge, well I doubt if she will open it but I'm tracking the rest of it.

She probably will think I'm nuts but at least it saves her from carrying large quantities, hopefully her housing manager can help her out.

#BlogLife540 - Fix your face

It's just before 4pm and my Amazon goodies arrived today, which prompts me to cancel Prime now.

Ugh they complicated the process, I had to click renew in order to end it now, sneaky sneaky but I did it.

It's almost as though I have eczema on my face, that's how disgustingly dry, flaky and itchy it is.

Straight away I unboxed and checked the contents expecting 2 of the masks but I was mistaken oops.

I got the £2.62 Creightons scrub 150ml purely for the soles of my feet. I can't remember if that brand was where I had the reaction from but it's only my feet so I doubt I will have an  adverse outcome to it.

I never use scrubs anymore as that's too harsh for my combination, blemish prone face. It seems nice and thick and I think it smells vaguely fruity.

Next we have the 50ml standard size Neutrogena refreshingly clear moisturiser £3.

I've used the pink grapefruit version before and that's been fine as far as I recall, this tube seems much tinier but a thicker cream so maybe it's better?

Most of my face was just obscenely dehydrated and it took a few rounds of moisturiser to address it.

My forehead is still dry and the rest of my face was getting greasy so I am only applying it on my forehead now.

After I applied it I tried the 150ml Nivea derma wash £2.75 that is targeted at impure skin and it's just clear and a medium consistency that rinses off easily.

Afterwards my face felt as though it had a deep treatment done which was refreshing. It's not scented that much and the lil it is, is very faint and generic.

My face was definitely beginning to heal and soften but what really counts is time and a few days later, I will really be able to tell if it's an efficient cleanser.

Lastly we have the 60ml Pink Clay mask and I didn't realise how small it was. I normally get a 100ml product.

This time I thought I was getting a bundle deal as it said x2 but nope it was crazy marketing about claiming to be doubly precise at improving complexions.

Anyway it cost £3.50 which is a bit steep for such a tiny thing, pictures are up on Twitter but new items are fun to use.

This was actually tinted pink, cute and was a thick mud texture but I only used a lil bit all over my face.

The instructions which I gave to Mama to read for me as I couldn't see the idiotic white tiny writing was to leave it for about 15 minutes.

And I followed that because my face is a mess. It was really difficult to remove it, water didn't cut it.

I think it's the first time I've struggled to wash off a mask so I grabbed a wet wipe and had to wet it and really scrub to make it disappear.

Afterwards my face felt smooth and polished, aside from my forehead, the sides of my nose and a bit of my cheek.

I'm going to have to repeat the processes throughout this weekend (Friday 4th) at the moment of writing this.

The mask is supposed to give a brighter, hydrating finish. I'm not sure about the illumination but it's definitely improved from being bumpy and rough.

It has an unusual perfume sweet scent which is not typical but I love beauty stuff that smells nice so that doesn't bother me.

It's Saturday night and I always continue the pampering regime all weekend but this time I left the face wash on underneath and then applied the face mask.

It seems a bit tough squeezing out the mask but it spreads easily.

I wasn't concentrating on the time, I was chatting to Mama and sipping Shloer Rose, I love that drink, so the mask was left on maybe half an hour.

I grabbed the wipes again but this time, it came off much easier. My face is glowing but my forehead remains scaly.

I don't want to do another moisturiser round, maybe before bed. The weather here has been rainy and sunny.

We might have breakfast out locally tomorrow morning, I guess it depends how we feel.

I like surprising her, just got her 2x salines so she doesn't have to go into town to get them.

She's having her leg treatment done soon and hopefully the pain will subside.

#BlogLife537 - Thank you readers :)

Do you get most of your film or television recommendations from other people or are you the one that gives them tips on the next exciting popular thing?

I guess I started with friends and family pointing me towards entertainment that I might enjoy that they were enthusiastic about.

I recall far back the reason I first began watching Sex and the City was because it featured a female writer/blogger.

And that's what I wanted to do but didn't feel I had the talent or creativity to pursue it, who did I think I was??

And now there is a follow up version And Just Like That, I think it's called and I have no earthly interest in seeing it.

They did whinge a lot about very petty things, some I related to but others meh I saw it so much, I never wanted to see it again.

Then I remember my friend suggesting a show Secret Diary of a Call Girl that is based on a book and I thought hmm, doesn't sound like my thing.

I don't know if I tried to watch it and didn't get into it or I just had enough to occupy my time with.

But now I'm getting into some really old shows, Sanditon was excellent.

The Forsyte Saga was really enjoyable, another period drama that has likeable characters.

I think if I don't find straight away a cast member's storyline that I'm hooked onto then I can't watch it.

I tried to watch The Great and I hated everyone so dismissed that.

I loaded up Rescue Me which had good actors but the dialogue made my ears bleed, misogynistic men and the racial element of it, just no!!

But maybe second time around Call Girl show is funny and interesting, my first thought was, does she have a love life and does he know her employment?

Why on earth would you see clients in your own home? I did think it was cool she had a video intercom system, at least she could see who the visitor was prior to buzzing them in.

In my head I was thinking, be truthful or at least test the waters with any potential boyfriends.

Tell them you're a masseur, a personal trainer or a ugh, I've forgotten the third one because they can be sex workers.

I've spoken to a lot who sleep with their clients for money and don't see it as an issue.

And I reckon you would be able to tell from their reactions, if they could handle it or if they are repulsed by it and then you know they aren't boyfriend/girlfriend material.

Haha probably overthinking but I like to get into the character's heads. Solve the problems maybe?

At least if you're upfront, they know what they are getting into, they aren't being lied too.

You know the moment I gave myself a break and told myself to stop writing was the moment I fell in love with it again.

It stopped being a chore and an obligation and it reverted back to being a pleasure and a joy.

This is my fifth blog in the queue for August but if you're missing the stories or the writing, every now and then I would have been putting up old posts that I really got a kick out of composing.

I just wanted to say thank you to my followers for being patient with me when I haven't always been around.

I can't make promises that I'll do better because stress and illness is a part of me and I'm always going to step away at times.

But if possible I will keep linking to classic posts that I really enjoyed putting together.

I'm settling back home and it's nice and serene but I still feel a bit emotionally agitated about the family stuff.

And I'm always going to be worried that Mama is home alone with them and she's in potential danger.

At the moment it seems less physical and more emotional scarring but that's still no comfort.

Sometimes she just seems resigned to it, like she deserves it, which no amount of protesting on my part, seems to change her mind.

I wish I could do or say something to get through to her..

I'm going to focus on the L'Occitane review as I have to be productive and try to change my mood from depressed to positive.

I don't really want to look up the price as it was a gift and that seems sneaky.

But inside the box was a shower gel, a hand cream and a perfume.

I found the fragrance to be generic which I didn't like, I gave that away.

The shower gel was really luxurious. I found it super hydrating for my skin and the scent was a mild sweetness.

I do recommend that but probably would not get it for inflated price that I assume it is.

The hand cream has a mild chemically smell that was nice and it was a lil thick, not watery and I used it on my elbows which is absorbed well into.

I recommend that as well, although I still prefer body butters. Ahh I don't think I mentioned the scrub.

Creightons scrub I compared to St Ives, which was the one I fell in love with. It wasn't as strongly scented.

Actually I'm not sure there was a scent but it was really nice and thick and my feet felt so soft and smooth afterwards.

I think it was £2.62 and that is a real bargain. I would get that again but as a foot scrub only, not for my face.

I find for me mild scrubs do nothing at all. It has to be a thick grainy scrub to be of any use.

That's what I forgot to add. I surprised Mama with 2 gifts. I figured she deserved to be spoilt and cherished because the other 2 are not loving.

The first was just some simple 500ml x2 saline solutions, so she didn't have to go trek and buy them, they will last a while.

The second, hopefully second time lucky, I found the pedicure massage mats that are draped over the chairs.

It's got the rollerball thingy that travels all over, with heat, vibration and various massages.

She didn't want the hard shiatsu one, but a thinner, gentler version and I only paid £25 for it so I hope it's effective.

She adores massages and I find them excruciating because it feels like the person is pressing into my bare bones and it's so horrible.

I hope, hope, hope, this one seems ideal and that she will get a lot of use from it, she looked it over, just in case it wasn't right but it seems to fit the bill.

It's arriving this week, maybe Wednesday or Thursday or even at the weekend but I'm excited and I had to mislead her slightly.

I said it was a late Birthday present so she would enjoy it immediately and not an early Christmas gift, she would have to wait to use.

Unlike the other two I don't care about money. I would just like to do something decent so when they harass her, at least she can feel there is an opposite side of things, where she's taken care of and has her needs met, without a bloody agenda or a quid pro quo.

Because I don't want a damn thing from her, except that she feels happy, unburdened and respected.

I know I keep getting angry but it's the thought of ongoing emotional torture which is aggravating me and I didn't realise it was happening.

I'm pleased at least that I skipped July's period but now I have some cramps.

Oh and this is day 2 of the perfectil supplements, Mama got me some and I don't usually react to those so I'm going to sample them for a month and see how I get on.

#BlogLife516 - Maximum body hydration

I like timing packages to arrive at the weekend, I'm usually not rushing to go out anywhere so I'm more likely to hear the door and receive it.

This morning was the usual Iceland groceries. I really love the orange lollies, they aren't sugar free but they don't taste syrupy and loaded with sweetness either.

Just fruity and refreshing. The only reason I tried them was because the Mr Freeze icepoles have been completely out of stock sadly :(

It's a pound for 4 so I bought 2 boxes. Imagine in the icepole packet there are 20 for £1.50 and that lasts ages even though I take out 2 at a time.

10.30am the Beautizone trackable royal mail parcel came, they predicted 4/5 days but mine came in 2 which is pretty great and they bundled in bubble wrap to stop leakages which I appreciate.

That included the American dream aloe body butter £7 and those are always priced highly because it's supposed to be better quality.

Body butters are rarely any good, except if you spend a fortune from a reputable brand.

Sanctuary or Champneys, Dove and now American Dream are the only ones I've tried and liked so far.

I do like investing every now and then because it will last at least a couple of months.

The nivea rich moisturising 5 in 1 body lotion is an affordable substitution at 400ml for £4 I think.

Products with shea butter are overhyped I have used a bunch and not been impressed.

I go for something that is different and mainly affordable. I will spend a lil more on things that help my skin along.

It has a nice but generic smell and it's a light medium thickness to the texture.

I do love that butter consistency that just seems to melt and absorb deeper into the skin.

It takes a while to massage it in and I guess it feels a lil oily after but for applying one coat my skin already looks and feels hydrated.

I've never heard of the brand American Dream but I can see myself looking for other body butter versions to try out.

I don't understand how the Mane n Tail leave in conditioner at 355ml is twice the size of the other one and at the same price??

Can somebody explain that? I'm going to have to take a picture.

Umm alright *puts hands up* I may have got it slightly confused.

I did think they were the same size but my one is 178ml only, oops.

The new one, the detangler (even though I don't have knots), was £4.95, I think that was roughly the same price, give or take a pound.

It doesn't smell of sickly bubble gum like the daily one. Just a lightly sweet chemical scent.

I spritzed a bit on my hair and although it's still greasy, it still feels a lil polished so I think I'm going to enjoy using that also.

The last package was by amazon, I took out a free prime trial and saw a cute purple top which naturally is ineligible for free fast delivery grrr.

There's always one thing that doesn't qualify but I couldn't resist because it was long sleeve, great colour and it just looks different, feminine, pretty and unique.

I'm just not sure it will fit but I used up all my amazon/promotional credit, plus it was on sale, supposed to be just under £7 and I bought it for £2.24 lol.

The BX29 earbuds that came just before 1pm are to replace the U2 pair that died.

Bold claim that it's supposed to last up to 15hrs on a single use but we shall see.

I do like that it has bluetooth 5.3 as chromebook hates bluetooth and keeps disconnecting grrr.

It was available in pink but I choose the black because when I'm out, I don't remove them and nobody has asked me too because I don't think they are noticeable.

My hair just about covers them, if I take them out they switch off and sometimes will not turn on, drives me insane.

I prefer to leave them in but mute the volume, via the phone because I always forget how to do it on the earbud.

I don't know if they can multi connect to devices or if it will stay paired while I am in the kitchen, we shall see.

What I did notice when I eventually worked out, I was trying to open it from the back, is that it's really lightweight and comfy.

Although less of a tight secure fit. The others aren't super heavy but after a while sometimes my ears can itch or feel sensitive.

I left them on overnight and they have just died, 14 hours they lasted, not too bad.

I tried to connect to my phone and the laptop but they wouldn't, sadly it must be single use only.

It's been a crazy morning. I was going to head out and get a new duvet cover and oh no I just realised...

I topped up my oyster card and to activate it, I'm supposed to use the bus to swipe my card by Thursday but I'm no longer heading out maybe until Friday.

That's my appointment with Dic. I had just washed my hair and used the Vatika argan shampoo.

The bottle is brown and the shampoo is a pretty gold shade. It's a medium thickness and incredibly moisturising.

I didn't feel like I needed a conditioner afterwards and I use my leave in anyway.

It was really easy to rinse out and my hair and scalp feel hydrated, soft, volumised and styled naturally.

I didn't really have to do anything apart from slightly comb it into place as it was bunched up.

I guess I will see how it feels in a couple days, if it maintains the softness but so far, loving the Vatika range.

The reason I couldn't head out today is because diversions, road blocks and inaccessibility is in place.

There's been some sort of Police incident in town and traffic has been really affected.

No buses are stopping near me, the market road is closed and I would have to walk halfway there and deal with the same heading back.

I don't want to be outdoors for that long and next to all those huge intersections, it's making me feel sick just thinking about it.

Plus how I got stranded last time and the traffic lights weren't working.

The alternative would be to take a taxi but I would still only make it partially, what is the point?

I feel bad though I was going to see someone and to cancel it, seems self indulgent.

As though I didn't try everything possible and just gave up. Part of me knows, this is the best solution for my health.

The rest of me feels guilty that I didn't just go and face the potential harm and obstacles.

My stomach is in knots so I am trying to de-stress. Anti nausea is playing in the background.

I just try my best to be responsible and do what I am supposed too. It just isn't always possible.

#BlogLife502 - I feel respected today

I didn't get much sleep last night but I did have a glorious nap in between deliveries so that was nice.

Pretty much everything has arrived now, except for one more lippy. (That came yesterday actually).

When I say lippy, I mean the glosses, as I have never found a lipstick shade that I actually liked and that suited my skin colour.

I still find it difficult to find darker shades for non caucasian skin tones.

It always looks way better on the paler models and then typically when I receive it, I find it hideous.

Some women can pull it off, wearing brighter shades and all power to them as it looks classy but for me personally....

It doesn't look good, except for certain pinks and beiges but with the reddy, plummy, purply colours.....

Eeek there is a fine line between suitable and disgusting. I've known the regular Postie for quite a while.

Maybe I've explained that as much as I try to hustle to get to the door as some used to leave really quickly.

I always ended up banging my knee/foot/leg and hobbling painfully to the door.

Because he surprised me today and apologised for being over exuberant with the doorbell.

And that's actually the first time it seems like he's remembered what I've told him.

That I am a sick person so it does take a while to get up and get to the door but I do profusely thank him as always and wish him well.

I think it was just strange but really nice to hear that someone was taking my health condition seriously.

And it's doubly worse because it's not noticeable, I don't have crutches or a wheelchair anymore but the damage is still there and continues worsening.

Even when I'm trying to explain my ailments, I get a lot of blank stares and disbelief which is quite hurtful.

I feel like I'm being called a liar, without them actually saying it. It's quite sad to constantly experience that.

To feel as though I have to prove it to be believed by 99% of people. It stresses me out.

If someone was saying the same thing to me, I wouldn't immediately question it, unless they were fake, I would sympathise.

When I was a lil girl, I had a lil bob and a fringe and I think it looked fine but from pre-teen onwards, the idea of having short hair was out of the question.

I had this idea that it was going to look masculine lol. I think that's why I avoided it for so long.

Women around me had cropped stylish do's but anytime I tried it, with the so-called professional hairdressers, they butchered it so badly.

I don't know why it took so long to start doing my own hair, possibly because I loved the shampooing scalp massages too much.

Or maybe I thought this time will be different, it will look wonderful.

The £2.15 NYX lippy in the Dark Magic shade is actually dark. I'm so thrilled. I adore it.

It was a pain in the butt to open, felt like it was superglued together because it took me an hour to use it.

It's not that moisturising and I probably needs about 2 or 3 coats because not a lot seems to come out and it's not thick but not watery either.

I would definitely repurchase it as it is the darkest colour to date. I wore it today and it looks fabulous.

Almost black but not quite. It just needed a shiny thick clear gloss on top and it's perfect.

Plus it was quite cheap, normally they are double that price. The shampoo and face mask might wait to use those.

I will just say that the Black and Red Argan £4.48 face mask smells like vimto/ribena and that cracked me up :D

Never in my life have I tried a mask that smells of sweet berries but that was the initial assessment, might be different when it's applied.

Hmm it's going to be difficult to wait until other products are finished before I try them....

Oh the pink and blue top for £12.50 each, arrived as well. Hmm they fit way looser than the X tops, which is great.

I don't know if I like the colours, the quality for all of them is high and I will always wear something long sleeved underneath now.

I don't really show off any bare skin, except neck, hands and that is about it.

I don't want masses of attention. I like to feel safe when I'm outdoors and I might say hello back if I'm greeted but I rarely hang around past that.

I still feel that nervousness of being insulted or grabbed but I also want to feel a lil different to the normal styles I see and cute in my choice of garments.

I just applied the thick mud mask to my face, it's a lil tougher than I thought it would be.

It still smells of berries. I'm supposed to leave it to dry for 15minutes so I'll see after that.

My skin feels oily and bumpy at the moment. Will this make a difference?

It's not preventing pimples, I still feel them budding on my face. It does take away the oiliness and leaves it as though I have applied a toner.

In the morning my face still felt fresh and smooth. The fragrance isn't bad, I just find it unusual.

I think my issue is that it's already started off tough, over time it's going to get really hard and I might end up binning it, which is a waste of money.

I haven't used the new lippy yet. I put images up on twitter but I feel really sick today so I don't want to use it yet.

I will say though, that it actually smells of plums. Normally I don't find they are scented at all but it's cute and different.

It's the Boots brand CYO in Out Loud, dark purple for £2.94. I feel lousy but I look fantastic in the new get up.

I'm pleased I bought them all and I got a bunch of snacks from my favourite Market too.

Dried plums, unsalted cashews, puffy crisps, unsalted hazelnuts and those Gullon chocolate oat biccys.

I have zero appetite!! If I can manage it this will be the 2nd week without a period.

Woohooooo!!! Nausea? Yes. Cramps? Yes. Bloating? Yes. Period? No!!

#BlogLife500 - Can I pretend I'm normal for a day?

I guess I'm worried at the moment. L might be coming down to the UK and she's asked to see me, which is sweet and she's a great person and funny and caring.

One of the randoms also asked for the same thing C. Maybe, probably before I got sick, I would be excited and looking forward to it.

Part of me still is but I have also have serious concerns about my health.

I get really exhausted easily, the pain sets in fairly quickly. I get irritable.

Panic attacks and PTSD can crop up anytime at all. I guess I don't mind explaining this to a friend, although it's awkward.

But all these details to a guy, to a stranger, is something I generally avoid unless, plans have definitively been made and then I would lay it out and say, the truth is......

I have barriers in my life. I can't travel that far anymore, only locally, someone is always going to have to meet me at my local area.

Which isn't fair really, to have to say, these are the terms, these are my requirements because if I attempt to go farther, I'm going end up sore, recovering for a few days and probably bursting into tears from the pain and discomfort.

I don't know if I can be a fun tour guide. Am I really worth coming down all this way to visit?

On the phone sure I can be lighthearted and amusing and silly, in person...

My body is screaming to go back home, rest, nap, take it easy, be off my feet, don't overstrain my bones.

I don't feel it's fair to burden someone with my limitations. These are my problems, I have to live with it and I'm used to it.

But socialising is extremely taxing and honestly, I'm happier not doing it.

I don't really know how to solve this, except to try and push through it as much as I can but not reach my breaking point.

I'm so happy it's been raining and cooler today. I really needed to wrap up in the heated blankie and it's helped the healing faster.

I'm pleased with the X tops. They are so soft and feel great quality. They fit a tad snug but look really good.

The Dark Paradise lippy, I hate. It came out really light and I wanted the opposite.

I'm hoping the others are a whole lot better. Hmm, the Ocufresh eye drops are supposed to be rewetting..

They don't really sting, are very thin and tiny but actually feel pretty good.

I feel as though I just got an eye bath or put on fresh lenses because my vision has sharpened immediately.