It's Mother's Day weekend and I thought as I am not with her I'll order dinner for her and she won't have to cook today. I was gonna order more stuff but she hates everything I buy so it feels like a waste of money now.
I have no earthly problem doing that, it was my idea but then she brings up. Oh now I've moved and there's more room, you can stay in one of the rooms and your sibling will be in the other room.
Why on earth is she expecting me to say....Yes yes that's reasonable. She says the same garbage each time. Oh he's changed, they both have, like f they have!
As soon as they don't get their own way or something takes a while.... It's shouting and cussing and just the air of violence washing over the entire building.
Why would I want to be around that, yet again?? I told her, she doesn't see it and wasn't always around for it and she says, she understands but she bloody doesn't.
Why else would she ask me the same f'ing question??? It doesn't take much to set them off. One wrong look, question, topic, anything!!
I've had enough of being afraid around my so-called family. When is it going to get through? These fears blurred out into the world.
Most things scared me to death and still do. I have the right to some peace of mind. It's not something that can be brushed under the carpet.
I know she wishes I would get over my hatred of them but it's not going to happen. Either one day, they'll snap or I will. As this has been building since childhood.
I would bet money, she has never ever sat them down and said.. Look you made your sister's life miserable. She has a fear of men now, that you've done to her.
She is petrified to be in the same room as you. Get some f'ing counselling and fix yourselves!!!!
But no, there'll be none of that. She'll expect me to be panicky, nervous and on edge. Screw that!
She really is an expert at driving the wedge deeper between us. Congratulations, mission accomplished.
Why don't people respect my damn boundaries??!!!! It's hard enough to speak up and admit them out loud and yet they're still ignored relentlessly.
Talking to a brick wall irritates me and the fact she is putting it all on me, disgusts me!! It's like saying my concerns aren't valid and I'm just being hysterical to seek attention.
To grow up seeing hatred and embarrassment in someone's eyes when they look at you every day is a lot.
To then be chased around the house and be threatened is too much.
To live each day pleading with myself to be likeable was impossible.
How I wished that I was good company to have around. I seemed to look the wrong way, say the worst thing and do the opposite of what was expected.
Do you know how long it took me to be okay with myself??? To live and breathe and not want to jump off a cliff?
Every time she says just come and hang out. It's a knife through the heart.
When I was living at home. I had to endure the verbal abuse. It was daily and never ended. Now I am living independently, I have a choice.
I pick me! Although my wants and needs were never taken seriously. I'm determined not to blindly go into anymore dangerous situations.
No more, not even for you mama. Enough is enough! Take the hint and stop asking me to do the impossible, consider how it makes me feel.
You can dismiss it, although deep down you're still fearful of them also, why else would you let them walk all over you like a doormat??
Say goodbye to getting your own way and manipulating me. I'm not falling for the guilt trips this time or the next.
Why don't I stand up to them you ask? I do, once but then it happens again.
The menacing looks, the venom. I'm just not strong enough. My voice cracks, my breath stills and I'm just frozen in time.
Yes I am weak and a coward. I admit that. But I'm also still alive and now I have the guts to say.....
NO!!!
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Something on your mind? I am all ears, I mean eyes and l will get back to you inbetween rants :D