#BlogLife478 - Faux Thursday 2 - Words can hurt!

Sorry about not posting yesterday but even though the fourth period is finished. I'm still suffering through all day pmt.

Cramps, nausea, chilled to the bone and uncomfortable bloating. It's hard to collect my thoughts and make sense of it when I'm sooo distracted by it all.

I was up early to unpack the shopping and now the weekend can be full of lay ins as it should be.

I just snacked on some monkey nuts. Those and cashews are probably my favourites but these are more affordable for a sweet tooth fix.

I do feel bad about not publishing something but there are certain times when I need to go with my mood and just take it easy.

I thought eventually I would pull something together but I felt wretched, although a long nap did help.

I'm loving the new show, The Night Agent, although lots of cursing and violence but the leads are great and there is humour added.

I did just watch, I'm not sure if it's the finale of Call Me Kat and I was happy with the ending.

I'm not going to spoil it, in case you haven't seen it but I will say it spoke to me.

When someone screams at you for whatever reason and doesn't let you explain or hear your side and then ups and leaves..

It's a bad situation. I know when tempers flare, it's hard to be rational and say, okay, I had my outburst, now say something or defend yourself...

But it's not something excusable either as that person left behind is totally unheard and angry.

Why is one person's emotions greater than the other?? It makes me think about my childhood/acquaintanceships/friendships when Sorry was uttered all too frequently.

Does that cancel it out? Is everything hunky dory? Am I supposed to forgive and forget because you apologised?

NO! Is the answer. I can appreciate the fact that it isn't easy to take responsibility and face the potential wrath of whoever you upset.

But just apologising for your behaviour doesn't make it alright. You have to pay penance and suffer for your thoughtlessness and strive to be better next time.

If not, your words are meaningless. I had a lot of empty half hearted admissions of guilt from people trying to make amends and it's kinda sickening that I wanted to forgive them and make peace.

I wanted to forget the awful behaviour because I hate confrontations and stress and worrying about more explosions of anger.

So I let a lot of people off the hook, that should have been accountable, out of fear and not feeling comfortable enough to explore my frustrations and what was running through my mind.

I kept hearing my Mama's voice pressuring me to put it all behind me and smooth things over and that didn't make me feel better but I did it because I wanted to be a good person who does the right thing.

I didn't need to be liked but I did need to try my best in all situations and try to get along with people because I struggled so badly to even let them in, to begin with.

And now that they were, I had a responsibility to maintain the relationship, the civility.

The thing with this positive attitude is that people creep in, take advantage and treat you like a fool.

A lot of people just thought they could treat me any which way and I would keep coming back for more.

With family, I let most of it slide because I didn't feel I had a choice. 

I was socialising with them and they acted normal as though they were innocent so I guess I treated them fairly as though they were.

In certain situations I didn't feel strong enough to stand up for myself and say, I'm not happy about this and until you make it right, I can't be around you.

I kept going back and forth in my head, am I overreacting? Am I taking this too far? Should I laugh their cruelty off?

It felt like I was being told what to think and how to act and I know that because my brain was split, it started cracking and the confidence was building and the rebellion began to emerge.

My voice had been trying to break free, from being smothered in silence and it was just held down, until I moved out.

It did a lot of damage and even now, she tries to manipulate, guilt or influence me but I refuse to let that take over my expression.

She doesn't like it and she certainly does not grasp the reason behind my stubbornness or that she had anything to do with it.

I guess to heal, I should let it out, my side of things....

You've apologised and think that is all it takes??

You assume I will just accept it and move on and that you won't have to self-reflect on your actions and words??

I'm stronger and smarter than you give me credit for. I know that you laugh behind my back and make lil jibes that you don't think I understand but I see/hear all of it.

The sad about you is, you put on a circus act, you're constantly performing and making sure everybody loves you...

But the thing is.. Because you're not being true to yourself, I see the fakery.

I see the insecurities, I see the nervousness of being potentially found out as a fraud!

I see your struggles, I see the lack of confidence and I see the false bravado.

I see all of it as unlike you, I am trying to be as transparent as possible.

I'm the opposite of you because I'm deeply flawed but I can admit it.

I'm not scared about being imperfect, I celebrate it. You on the other hand are self loathing and affix that to me because there must be lil inklings of jealousy.

That I get to me and be natural and you have to do everything you can so that your charade doesn't get discovered by the world!

You trash and destroy my confidence, whenever you can. It can be a backhanded compliment, a derisive look, a chuckle at my expense...

Whatever it is and your reasons behind it, I no longer care because I have not sunk to your level, where I am being intolerable to be around.

I am not judging you and making snide comments. I'm just telling the truth.

I don't like you. I don't feel anything for you. I don't want to be around you or hear about how you are.

In all honesty........ You completely butchered any relationship we previously had.

You're meaningless and I'm relieved you're out of my life for good because even to this day, you don't acknowledge what an awful spiteful and hateful person you are and were.

That's why I can't forgive you because you don't think you have made any mistakes or have ever been derogatory but you have and continue on and I feel sorry that you can't see that.

It's immensely satisfying to look back and fix any wrong doings and change for the better.

I feel love and weightlessness. 

You'll never know what that feels like :)