#BlogLife920 - Brekkie, lunchy, brunchy

It's a pity I devoured the olives because I just made this late brekkie, brunchy/lunchy thing.

Butter, pitta bread, chicken kebabs, steak, caesar dressing and sweet and sour or sweet chilli dip, It was soo good.

The caesar dressing is a tiny bit tart, not sure I'm that keen on it alone, mixed with another dip was better.

I'm sure when I used to have it before, it was maybe sweeter or at least less vinegary, I feel like they changed it and ruined it.

Omg that was freaky, I wasn't touching the laptop and half the text disappeared.

I just opened up a new tab and this post and it was all back, ugh, weirdness aplenty!!

So I apologise for the repetitive family posts but the only way to get it out of my system is to keep talking about it, feel free to skip them but if it helps me, I'll have to keep discussing it.

Actually talking of that she texted to thank me for the Welsh homemade fudge that got delivered.

I just rolled my eyes and ignored it. The pain is still fresh and I'm enjoying this time apart from her so much I might cancel Christmas too.

She's always thoughtless about that too, no notice, come at this time, then no no, come later, come tomorrow. Pfft.

There's only so much a person can be dished before it gets too much.

At long last I've finished the Simple face wash, I remember now why I hate it, it doesn't wash off properly, just sits on the face.

I'm using Neutrogena Clear and Defend, pink grapefruit scent, I think it was a substitution from Zoom.

It's quite unusual, I put some on my hands, went to apply it to my face and it's like it was all evaporated instantaneously.

That's the opposite to the gloopy too much gel Simple wash.

Next time I might use more but it washed off really well, had a lovely scent, I loved fragranced items, much nicer.

And my skin feels lovely soft and moisturised. It's very refreshing so I'll see how it deals with breakouts.

The second time I used it, it foamed and lathered well and it's just so lovely and not smothering at all.

I think it just absorbs into the skin because when I go to rinse, it's not as abundant as it was. I'm just happy it washes off completely.

The Willow fake butter, well it tastes exactly the same, just less fattening, it's even better than Pure and that was always my favourite.

I don't buy butter so my tastebuds are having a party. I need to get more crackers.

#BlogLife919 - First, second, even third impressions..

I believe on the whole you have one chance to make a good lasting impression. put your best foot forward, be polite, friendly, honest and well mannered.

However sometimes things can get in the way, like nerves, trying to over-impress, circumstances beyond your control.

While I'm really enjoying Married At First Sight, Australia, there are lots of recurring things that are said and seen.

One is, is it illegal not to have a tattoo? I've never seen so much ink on one show in all my life ha, insanity.

Secondly, if my family and friends don't like them, it's a dealbreaker. Hmmmm

For me it wouldn't be. I would certainly question Why they didn't like them and then make my own mind up, unless of course, there was something huge like lies, disrespect, those sorts of things.

Otherwise I would most likely say, I appreciate your input but as a grown woman, I like him, so he stays.

If a guy turned around and said, Listen honey lamb, babe, dollface, (ha I'm just having fun with pet names)..

If he said, my family/and or friends don't think you're right for me and I disagree but they've spoken, then I would find them quite spineless and sorry to say, too much of a Mama's boy.

Those tend to have over-inflated egos, like they are too good for anyone and can do no wrong, highly toxic.

And I wouldn't respect them at all. What if something I had said or done innocently was misinterpreted?

What if they were prejudiced?

What if they preferred the previous girlfriend? You don't know what the agenda is.

So I wouldn't fight for them or try to change their minds because they too are a grownup and if they want to let others rule their lives, they could be missing out.

Outsiders don't always see the positives that happen within a relationship, some people just focus on the negatives to others so it's not a balanced outlook.

Plus people like me, would appear standoffish due to being uncomfortable so I might not be free and easy and chatty.

I'd be worried about being bombarded with personal questions and my answer, none of your damn business, doesn't seem friendly ha.

Sometimes there is too much pressure to perform on display, for fear that you won't be liked and then you'll break up, ugh.

It wouldn't be the end of my world if the people he was closest too didn't like me.

I would just turn to him and say, I don't need to be liked, it's a shame they've formed that notion of me, but it is what it is.

What I want to know is, does that change your opinion of me?

The way I see it, I'm not a sociable person so I'd hardly be spending time with them, I don't enjoy groups of people at once.

It's difficult to follow the conversations and I would just feel pulled in different directions, instead of naturally chatting and possibly making a connection.

#LetterLife4 - Dear Mama - I can't pretend anymore

I've realised that telling myself to forget about it and get over it, isn't working.

I don't even know if there's anything new I can add to this, that I haven't already written, but my brain says vent....

The recurring thing playing in my head is to ask, Why do you sometimes feel the need to treat me like s**t?

I don't like swearing but I think it's the strength of my anger that is continually growing and it has nowhere to go..

Part of it must be the resentment, that you can act so civil towards others but to me, it's disappointment or insults or neglect.

And I just take take take it and make it acceptable because I don't want to rock the boat, confront you or make you feel bad.

As time passes, less of me wants you in my life. You're the only person I let close to me, that depresses me.

I'm tired of letting you get away with thinking you're a good parent, that we have a bond.

I wouldn't let anyone else act this way around me and not pipe up or kick them out of my life.

But because we are supposed family, I'm stuck with you? But I'm starting to think Am I really?

You texted me today or yesterday but not to check up, not to ask why I haven't gotten back to you, but to say something routine.

You're oblivious to how damaging you are to me. I'm even tempted to block your number for a while so that I can have peace from you.

I can't do it, too much guilt but every time you mistreat me, it forces me to look back on a lifetime of repulsive behaviours.

I take responsibility for my actions and words but you never do.

Maybe this time apart will make you reflect. I doubt it. I know you're going away soon and I hope you have a great time, bigging the other two up and saying minimal stuff about me.

I guess I wonder what it would take, for you to finally show me some respect and take my needs into consideration?

Sorry that I have to repeat myself but I have too. 

1. You allowed your sons to bully me so much I stopped talking. I stopped wanting to live. I stopped smiling.

I felt so unloved like I was damaged and broken, like nothing in me was good and pretty and intelligent and capable.

2. You fixated on my weight and looks and personality so much I became so insecure that I hated myself.

I stopped eating, I hung around people who treated me like I was an idiot. All because you told me too and still you wanted me to be better, different, like everyone else...

3. You glowed and preened at any mistake, big or small that I dared to make as a human being. On and on and on, you pointed out my flaws and laughed.

I realised what you were doing, making me feel small, so I developed a trick, I pretended not to recall such instances and you were shocked and disappointed, you couldn't mock me anymore.

4. Home was explosive. I couldn't talk up, I was afraid to express an opinion. I knew sooner or later I would be beaten up, it was coming..

Home should have been the place a girl feels safe and secure but it wasn't. You kept those 2 bullies around torturing me.

I started dating hoping that somebody would save me, see me, spoil me, cherish me, love me.

Anything to stay out later and later but all that happened was that I was exploited, used, harassed and abused once again.

(I think another part of me died after that and I never recovered fully).

I take responsibility for those dates but I would not have been on them, if home was a decent place to grow up in.

The sad thing is, I thought you would have loved having a daughter, like a mini you.

Someone to confide in and spoil and protect and boost my confidence and quietness....

But it seems to me, you prefer having sons that threaten to harm you, character assassinate you, steal from you and ignore you.

You can't shut up about how great they are. Their accomplishments and their life and how helpful they are.

If you really really really love them so much, despite how they are around you and despite how you've told me, during the holidays they barely speak to you, are on their phones 24-7 but demand the earth immediately from you....

Then maybe focus on them and not the fat, stupid, idiotic, unsociable, hard hearted daughter that you don't seem to like much.

I'm running out of patience. I'm sick and tired of seeing myself through your eyes.

I just don't want to despise myself or change to make you happy, Why the hell should I?

If I started treated you badly, would that earn your affection???

The last thing that plagues me is, maybe the real reason I run from potential friendships and relationships..

Is that you've taught me time and time again, Who I am, isn't good enough.

I want to be carefree with the randoms but every time it gets real I can't help but think I'm a complete nothing and nobody, bound to be rejected, let's push them away first before they even think about it.....

Goodbye for now Mama. I don't want to deal with you right now.

#BlogLife918 - Paratha Vs Tortilla wrap Vs Pittas? Not exactly sorry

I'm really missing the egg roti paratha thingy's I used to make but Iceland doesn't have the wholemeal parathas or rotis so I'm going to get the wholemeal wraps instead.

I typically don't like these, they don't cook properly or taste of much but desperate times..

Maybe the recipes have improved? I'm trying the Slimming World version 5x £1.60.

A bit steep really, I don't know if they are thick or thin? But I just add butter and eggs.

I could be adventurous and add chicken kebabs or maybe beef something?

I think I just like it simple, the less the better it tastes, for me anyway.

I just remembered the turkey bacon strips, they would make a good addition.

Scrap that I got fruits instead, more of an offer 3 for £5 so for a change, I got plums, then grapes and strawberries lol.

It's usually the same thing and olives with feta cheese, although not so keen on that type of cheese, too dry.

Uh oh, the title is wrong, Iceland just called and said the wraps are expired so can't send it and there's no replacements, just the white version which I don't want.

So she suggested Warburtons soft pittas I think, I've already forgotten.

I can't remember if I tried it and wasn't so keen, why isn't more stuff in the brown bread variety? Ugh!!

And I just realised these will be small, I wanted to crack the egg over the large wrap, I can't do it with tiny pittas.

I might do a Zoom shop, they have rotis, parathas and wraps but not all in wholemeal.

I just toasted the egg on the pitta, it's a half and then you open it up, thin I would say.

Typical me, didn't realise I was out of spray oil for the press, so I used butter.

I have a feeling that really helped. Even though I grilled it well, it's like eating really soft toast.

It's tasty though with the ingredients, maybe on it's own, not so much.

I put an egg, olives, feta cheese, butter from the press and even the feta mixed well with it, I wasn't sure it would.

I was going to add more but it would have been too much for me.

But as there are only 4 in a pack, later on I might do a Zoom shop, I'm kinda struggling to eat this, even though I really like it.

My stomach is churning and not from nausea or cramps, it's all the emotions I'm feeling.

I think though because I like BB/P I'm sharing way more than usual.

I even said that my instinct is to push you away, not because I want too, it's my usual habit when really stressed as I have to support myself through illness/family stuff and it's always been that way.

Arghh forgot to add, I don't usually buy butter, it's like salt, an addition that isn't necessary.

But due to having a dry wrap and cooking with the press, I wanted it.

I bought Willow, an alternative to butter, rich and creamy but not overly so.

Oops it's more for cooking not spreading but I wanted something small and cheap as I won't use it, apart from in sandwiches.

It's got vegetable oils and buttermilk and is lower in fat. It was £1.35 for a 350g block.

I am so full. Iceland said another weird thing to me, that if I didn't like the tissue substitution, they would re-deliver the normal one tomorrow lol.

I said No thanks, I didn't trust them to re-deliver ha.

#BlogLife917 - Unwanted

I don't really want to talk, I want to bury my emotions but my brain is super chatty and doesn't want to listen.

This word, unwanted is circling around and around. It's saying to me, Listen even your own family doesn't want to be around you.

It's hurtful, it makes me sad and depressed and just I guess that feeling of being unlovable returns..

Like hell, something about me is just sooooo disgusting that no-one is ever going to care about me, let alone love me.

I cannot get rid of it, and the worse people treat me, the more it reinforces that belief.

But at least the tears are coming out freely and that's what I was after because later on, hopefully I'll start to heal and feel better about myself.

Right now though I still feel awful. Talking to Mama is like talking to thin air, she just didn't grasp that I purposely do not want to spend time with her, talk to her, be around her....

I want her to recognise that she's continually doing me harm. The funny thing is, if I sent her a link to this blog, she'd be like...

Errr yea I'll get to it, probably a year would pass and she'd be like, didn't you send me something, send it again?

The new random BB/P is probably reaching his limit with me, because I'm not flirting and I can't shake this downcast mood.

I think I'm losing my appetite but still munching because otherwise my stomach hurts like hell.

Comfort food is not healthy it's what I am doing right now. I'm still in post birthday month mood, so I ordered Chinese.

I've never tried or seen chicken wonton dumpling soup, I think it's been pork, I hope it doesn't contain red meat, but something different to try.

There was a discount so that helped. I'm trying not to repeat myself, certain themes are recurring and that's fine.

I'll always need to purge it when it crops up. Growing up I was told to swallow my needs and take care of everyone else's, whether they respected me or not.

So I find it really challenging to stick up for myself and say, Umm, this is what I need because usually, nobody cares frankly.

Mama received part of her gift, the truffles arrived and she called and texted to thank me.

I'm glad the phone was on the charger, so I didn't see or hear it.

I haven't gotten back to her. I don't want to sweep it under the carpet, even though I feel like I'm being selfish and over the top and spiteful for no reason.

Except there is a reason. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. It's just getting increasingly difficult to forgive and tolerate this despicable behaviour.

I'm not a priority and worse than that, she'd rather deal with tedium than get back to me.

It's like someone telling you all your life, I'm forced to deal with you but I'm not happy about it.

So what I'll keep doing is deal with everything minor, keep you waiting and then with no notice and consideration, demand you ignore everyone but me.

I don't care about your plans, your schedule, what else you are putting off, so you can visit me, none of that matters.

Just drop everything and do as I say and remember with anyone else, I'll be kinder.

I'll welcome give and take. I'll give them lots of notice but because I've always treated like a doormat....

I don't need to respect you because you'll always do what I say and not question it and give me grief about it.

That's how I feel and what's making this worse is my right leg is suddenly in oodles of pain walking around.

So physically and emotionally, I continue to feel bad. There's never any point talking to Mama.

But I hope deep down she idly wonders, if things are okay between us.

Silence seems petty but there is no damn closure. I reckon she would deny everything.

Actually she probably wouldn't even listen. I want to be over this mood and forget that family has always treated me this way.

That I've always struggled with my confidence and feeling good about myself, accepting myself as I am.

I want to cheer myself up and turn things around and then the other side is like....

Why bother, no-one will care, no-one will value you. Don't self improve, don't write, give up and stay lost.

I want to stay open to how my emotions are playing out. Good or bad.

It's important to vocalise them. I'm a lil all over the place, I get that.

Two sides of me are battling. Hmm this mood will pass when it's good and ready, not a second sooner.

Just have to add this in, the chicken wonton was delicious, lots of flavours, not too salty, was in the same chicken and noodle style soup.

I don't think there was that much maybe 4? But they were huge, like pierogis style pastry.

Soft and light and moreish. I'm happy I tried them, no red meat woop.

I know you're supposed to be sensible and not turn to food but honestly I feel so much better.

I just keep thinking this weekend at Mama's we usually have Chinese food so it was inevitable..

I wonder if the only way to feel better is to reply or call her but I'm still not ready.

I still have her number saved but I deleted the text chain conversation.

I think I'm so used to making things ok for her, letting her get away with talking to me/behaving around me callously, that it doesn't feel right to step back.

I've always bitten my tongue to protect her feelings, even though she doesn't do that for me.

At this point I'm afraid of what I'll blurt out.

#BlogLife916 - Crazy Self Therapy 10 - Breaking point reached

Hey Doc....... Guess who? Did you think you saw the last of me? Not bloody likely..

SS is that you? Wasn't our last session in August, I assumed you were cured. Ha just kidding, I got bills to pay. What's new?

Umm I don't know where to begin, I'm always a lil sensitive around my birthday which just passed and normally me and Mama celebrate together..

But this year, she just cast me aside, to let the other sibling come down and ruin the celebrations.

July is normally our month and there was no reason for him to be there, except to disrupt our plans.

I tried to swallow this irritation and say Ok, well it's only postponed a lil, it's not completely cancelled.

Alright SS, sounds like it bothered you more than you let on, why is that?

Because I've lived with my needs always being trampled on, like it's not important and I'm sick of it.

I don't get on with the other family members as they are too violent and scary to deal with.

I don't ask for much but July should have been the time for us. Instead she's like blah blah sure he can come down.

You know what SS? Ummmm come down later instead...

Again I wish for once in my life, she would have fought for me and said No, you travel here in August, let her have July.

She's never picked up for me? Why should it be any different now?

SS What is different about this time?

I don't know actually. The resentment is just growing and I feel like I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter.

I'm trying to finalise the plans to see her and for 2 days she's completely ignoring me.

But it's like when she's ready or needs something, She'll say drop everything cater to me.

On the third day, now, she calls and I stare at the phone, thinking, I'll change earbuds and answer, though I don't want too.

I do pick it up, but it's rung off at this point and I realise, I have no earthly wish to talk to her.

She couldn't be bothered to call on my birthday and arrange things.

I've never successfully confronted her about how she treats me.

She doesn't listen and take it on.

What happened next?

After feeling neglected and like her lowest priority, once again. I don't feel like a daughter, more like an acquaintance at times.

I allowed myself to get angry. Why do I let her get away with treating me like worthless garbage?

I realised that I didn't want to spend time with her and make it okay.

I wanted to stick up for myself so this is what I texted her a while later.... (no reply)..

I don't feel like coming down anymore so if the other twit isn't there for Christmas I'll see you then, if not next year.

That's pretty huge for you. I know you don't like confrontation. Do you regret being harsh and blunt?

I probably should right? But it feels too glorious, to put my needs, my wellbeing first, for this one time.

To show that, Hey, I have feelings, I'm only going to put up with so much and then I'll snap.

I almost feel guilty for not towing the line and accepting this usual mistreatment but then I remember how much her actions damage my self esteem.

It's really not okay for someone to keep on acting the way they harmfully do, without repercussions.

Relationships are very messy indeed. What do you think her response will eventually be?

I personally guarantee, she will sweep it under the carpet and say, OK, no problem, see you at Christmas.

One thing I did do, which I don't usually. I typically avoid the randoms but I was annoyed and sad, so I said to BB/P..

Bit of an overshare. Do you ever get tired of being treated like you're nothing?

And I wasn't expecting a response. I thought he'd be like whoaa stick to the flirting babe.

But he said...

I have definitely felt that way before yes.

So I eventually got a blase response....

No, he's gone anyway. I can always see you for pedi. Talk soon.

Just leaves me with an empty feeling, like talking to a brick wall.

She didn't even read the text properly, I didn't ask if he was still there, I mentioned Christmas time.

*Rolls eyes*

If there's nothing else. Can I just say, I'm proud of your continued progress, recognising your self worth.

Standing up and confronting the family that you feel most afraid off.

You clearly don't want to hurt them but with this continued growth you're recognising soul destroying patterns and saying Hang on, I object to this disrespect.

All I see is a positive difference, you might not see it, but you're getting stronger.

Years ago, you wouldn't have said anything. Today you're vocalising your hurt.

Keep going SS. I want to see more....

#BlogLife915 - Premature celebrations

It's making me laugh that I got contacted about the lip balms I bought, the duo blackberry and they said, Thanks for a good review.....

Um I haven't left my mixed feedback, so you're in for a rude awakening, why would you do that?

To guilt me into positivity? Sorry I don't work like that, I like honesty.

Nothing is wrong with it, just the applicator doesn't disappear all the way into the lid and that bugs me.

Also Mama's gift, the red panini press, they are doing their utmost to avoid refunding me.

I have a feeling it isn't lost, they just want more money and it was overpriced as it was.

They sent me flipping sandwich makers images as a potential replacement item?

Ummmm no way, the panini press is such an advanced delightful item to grill on, like a mini barbeque, why would I want anything less than that?

I still find it odd, that if I didn't chase it up, they would have been content to take my money and keep the supposed "lost" item.

It's covered by paypal protection so if they refuse I will still get my money back.

Something petty is bothering me and at this point, I wonder why I care?

I called Mama yesterday about the grill and arranging when I should come down and it's like she couldn't be bothered to get back to me, reply to the text, call me back.

But if that was her other children or anyone else, I bet she would have done.

This why around this time, I feel like crap, being everyone's lowest possible priority.

It's been two days and she hasn't bothered, a birthday text yes, but not a call and at this point I'm sick of chasing her up.

I have to think about the grocery order for the weekend for next week, I think if I haven't heard back with a definitive date, I might just cancel the whole damn trip.

I like to think if I had a daughter I wouldn't make her feel like she doesn't matter. 

I wouldn't gleefully critique her. I wouldn't knock her self esteem and I certainly wouldn't make her feel like she's always in the wrong for being female, instead of male, like the other 2 pieces of garbage!

Apart from the overly short front wisps that stick out, actually the haircut turned out well.

There is a lot of side flicks and it still appears as though my hair is fuller than it actually is.

I prefer to just take care of my own needs/happiness and not rely on other people.

Oh shoot two things I was gonna do, shop for a thinner robe and pluck my brows lol.

Ahh I just got my refund for Mama's panini press. I'm not sure what I'll get her.

There's been some fun hampers, the seaside fudge and coconut ice, the kitkat one, the Green and Black, Ferreros mix..

Oh one small thing I would say about the new random (BB/P), he did check up on me, not crowd me, just a short text.

That was appreciated so in the end we did end up texting and talking a bit like we usually do every day.

I didn't mention why I felt emotional or the family dynamic and he didn't press, he did make me laugh though.

He's too flirty but underneath the hormones, there's a decent chap, we've had varied discussions.

Ok one last thing that cemented our connection? He has the most delightful voice, that's so important to me and his is perfect.

#BlogLife914 - Birthday blues of an outcast

I don't think I could write this on my birthday and there's a new random that I'm not ready to talk about.

I warned him that I'll be most likely incommunicado that day.

Although generally I don't feel alone or lonely as such, just this day, maybe the holidays too kinda highlight it in my face.

That there's only ever going to be me in my circle. That when I was a lil girl, there was a curiously sweet naive bubbliness to me, that I guess I didn't feel safe or comfortable enough to express to others.

Connecting became more and more difficult, those ever frequent skyrocketing walls were built higher than anyone could break through.

The bullying and plummeting self esteem mean't nobody was trustworthy.

I couldn't let my guard down and open up, I had to keep my distance and protect myself and so it continued through teenage, twenties, thirties and now in my forties, it's still the same.

I'm still waiting to be seen, for someone to break down my defences and say that they accept me.

Or say that they will spoil me or make it about me, not about them or say I see today is not a good day for you, I'm gonna do my utmost to change that..

Not to manipulate you, not to get in your good books, not because I expect something back but because I simply care that you're struggling and unhappy and I want to be the one you turn too in times of crisis.

It's silly I guess that I thought people will see past the deflecting humour and jokes and notice a real person was underneath with feelings.

I don't miss socialising anymore, the whole thing is exhausting trying to plead with my body to summon up some energy to get ready, let alone anything else.

I just felt like I was saying Are you free and everyone was saying Nope but then when they asked, I was sometimes in the mood to go.

I felt I was there for them, emotionally and physically present.

In the end I figured what's the point? This loneliness would seep through me, in either a crowd or one person but I felt so weird.

Like I was a phony who didn't belong with beautiful sophisticated friends/acquaintances, as though I weasled my way to an invite, when it was my celebration, supposedly.

I miss the banter, the giggles, the making light of heavy stuff, to make them comfy, if that was the only way I could share, so be it.

But just because I choose not to bring the whole mood down, and I'm saying it with a light tinge, minus the heaviness, make no mistake, I'm still devastated by it.

I guess the test is, do you care enough to probe deeper? We all know the answer is Nope!

So on this day, that I don't celebrate, hopefully, I'll get a nice takeout, a special dessert and possibly look for a nice weepy movie with lots of heart to watch.

Maybe I'll write some sad fiction but to be honest on that day, I don't tend to do much.

I just disconnect. I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. 

Oof just got back from the UC appointment, wasn't too bad actually, I just felt sick all day and it's coming and going.

I wanted to do more, get some Gregg's yum yum doughnuts or cupcakes but I just wanted to vomit so the lil trek I've had to do would be on a better day.

I had a lil bit of energy so went to pick up a low calorie lemonade and I saw the truffles again.

Actually there was other things but they were double the price, this big bag of nutty chocolates was £3, the rest were like £8 for this dark chocolate medley.

It didn't even say it contained nuts anyway and that's me and Mama's preference.

Ugh it did not go well. I ordered some samosas and chicken tandoori and roti but the order was cancelled :(

So I just settled on KFC, the local is just quick and easy and good quality.

But the driver got lost, so I had to come out in my slippers and I felt soo rough, I'm trying to direct him, he's apparently outside, but in reality around the corner.

Then after a minute or so he walks towards me, ugh, why weren't you on your scooter or car??

So I munched the fries that I don't recall ordering and the rest can wait.

I wish they would cook them more, so they're crispy, not limp.

Ugh I'm irritated again, funny how the seller didn't bother to contact me.

The present I bought Mama, the sweet red panini grill didn't arrive.

I chased them up today and got a message that it's lost in transit, so a replacement is possible.

But it's not in the red shade, I'm gutted, she wanted that colour so I'm not sure what to do.

Just a frustrating day, they have it in silver but I saw loads of other colours, that were way cheaper but I wanted to get her something she really liked.

I just texted and asked what she wanted me to do.. The cynical part of me has seen it relisted for double the price so I wonder if it was really "lost."

 

#BlogLife913 - New nibbles

I'm not sure if they were all on sale or just some of them but I saw some interesting things to try.

Vegan starburst, formally opal fruits. I wonder if it will still be as juicy and fruity? £1.25 for a 138g bag.

Quanta hazelnut daybreak choccies, 6 for a £1. McVities chocolate cream oaty hobnobs for a £1 they are teeny tiny ha.

Oh that's it, I thought there was more ha. I think I also bought the Whitworths nutty mix prior.

My memory is so bad. At least all the shopping is unpacked but when they're late, I hate when they don't apologise, that's why you get shouted at.

I mean not me personally, but I understand other people's frustrations at wondering how long they have to wait, with no updates.

For some reason this morning, I just felt really hungry so if they were excessively late, I have a feeling I would have ordered breakfast maybe fruit and a sandwich,

One day maybe I'll try their pancakes but it's a big stack and I don't have the appetite for it.

I'm still enjoying Married At First Sight Australia, even though it's really old, a lot of drama and fakeness but romance also.

I didn't bother to chase up the perfume as I got an email to say it's out for delivery but it's also raining and you don't see Posties in this weather so...... Hmm... It's past 1pm already.

It's annoying Mama's panini press grill toaster thingy hasn't arrived either.

Holy moly a special Postie delivered the perfume, even the box is gorgeous.

It is worth it for £20. It will last ages hopefully. I'm glad I get to relax now.

Oh I'm happy I bought the daybreak choccies, they are just like ferreros, actually I got to put them in the fridge, all melty with this crap warm weather.

Even raining all day it's soo warm. Anyway it's like a chocolate wafer with a melted gooey hazelnut centre, it's so good.

It's very small but with the sweetness, you wouldn't want anymore than that.

The sandwich chocolate hobnobs are great, there is enough chocolate, it's just a tad dry for my liking, still good but not perfect.

Just tried the vegan starburst think I had most or all the flavours, it's exactly the same, that bit of sweetness, fruitiness, juiciness, I don't see any difference between the two.

Actually I don't know if there is a price difference but I would prefer this version, I have them maybe once or twice a year so it's nice to have this option.

I don't know if it's the humidity or pmt, I'm just feeling very weak and horrendous.

Cramps, nausea, breast pain, unable to stand for too long. I came back from the bathroom after washing my face and I had to lie down for a bit.

But I feel alrightish now, so I can get on with the day. I have to pluck my brows a bit.

File my nails a lil, I've already chopped my hair short. Oh and I'll probably recharge the electric toothbrush again.

Other than that I'm all set. I need to order some more essential oils, I'm running out, not sure if I should it before I leave or when I return?

#BlogLife912 - Boiler panic

Good grief, I went to use the thermostat and put on the hot water and heating, otherwise it throws a hissyfit..

And it seemed like it just went off, no display. I thought Nooo, you're broken again? Arghhh!

I quickly went to the kitchen and the boiler display was normal, no error messages so I thought that's odd.

I can't see well, so I shined the phone's torch and it turns out, the bloody display light isn't coming on, ffs.

So it's working, I just can barely see it. I don't know if I'm supposed to reset it, but I'm scared in case it messes everything up.

I like simple easy to use, no stress appliances and gadgets. Next time the maintenance guy is here, I'll ask him about it, or maybe I'll look it up on Youtube, but it's a big deal, I don't really want to mess around with it.

Then have to call out an engineer and wait all day for them to get here.... Ugh, hate that.

Anyway I am grateful it is functioning. I'm waiting for my Elizabeth Taylor En Rouge perfume to get here today, it's out for delivery, so the postie has to deliver post to us...

As a reminder if you don't follow my Twitter (@SleeplessScrib1). Posting will be irregular until September.

It's a rough month and I don't know when in August I'll be away so it's just too up and down.

Hmm the buffalo chicken wrap I got from Ocado Zoom, I wouldn't get again.

It's on the dry side, bit too spicy for me, Oh it's the chilli slaw, oof. I don't mind spinach, it's so so dry though.

I don't recommend it. I have to be honest though, I didn't have it fresh, it's been in the fridge so maybe that's why but other sandwiches don't evaporate the next day, the sauce remains..

Oh wait, I have hummus, that will save it. I'm not wasting it.

This was driving me crazy, since the update, the phone display turning off almost instantly.

Under Power Saving, turn off set screen timeout to 30 seconds. Ahh so much better.

Oh another update, that kinda pricier eye gel mask with the eyes cut out, for headaches, eye pain and so forth.

The gel now has half gone. I was keeping it in the fridge to save time, that's really disappointing.

I did the same with the other one that was really cheap that I won, maybe it cost about a pound?

And I'm sure that's still going strong. Isn't it strange how some things you expect to be so durable, are crap and the others that shouldn't last, stay working for ages..

Ugh the saga with the perfume, I checked the tracking and it said yesterday, delivery inaccessible.

I'm thinking wtf, so you deliver letters anytime you feel like, with no issue but with this small parcel, suddenly there is a barrier??

What are there dragons and dinosaurs blocking your path? No the real reason is you were lazy and couldn't be bother to deliver people's mail.

So you came up with a bs excuse. It's supposed to be redelivered today, no sign of Postie, surprise surprise so at the weekend I'll have to chase it up. Ugh!

It's Mama's Birthday today, I hope the toaster arrives that would be cute.

I didn't go all out with the gifts to be honest, the toaster was more than I wanted to pay.

What I'll probably do is treat her, when I get there. I asked if she wanted me to get her lunch or dinner but she said the place is packed with food already.

#BlogLife911 - Piggy or bully?

I wasn't paying close attention when I added the bulls in blanket to the shopping cart and my eyes aren't the sharpest, so it just seemed like mini beef sausages.

I thought it was the non red meat/pork version of pigs in a blanket but it looked plain at first.

Now that I've opened it up to cook 2 of them, in case I hate it, I can see it's wrapped in what looks like a rasher.

I took a picture of the ingredients enlarged it on my phone as it was too small and it says beef bacon...

I hope that's not beef and bacon, I've not seen or heard of beef rashers, I've tried chicken, ok, turkey, the best, the vegan ones, not bad.

So this will be interesting to see if it's seasoned, or overpowering. Looks like a fun snack or something to put out for a dinner party.

Crown Farms 12x£2 pretty good price for that many. I think I overcooked it at 20 minutes, the rasher bit is a lil too crispy but overall, it's a mild beefy taste.

It's actually quite nice. There's no pepper I was expecting that but it's different.

Lil bit salty, less is better but it adds to the flavour, maybe needs a lil dip too.

I did a mini Zoom shop as I was out of snacks and saw that the Buffalo chicken wrap was finally in stock, looking forward to trying that.

Wattpad has a lot of crap notifications about getting you to spend money and such but the important ones about your stories are non existent.

I'm not sure but I think it was a delightful surprise to see one of the holiday stories, rated with a star, as in they enjoyed it.

That gave me a boost. I can't recall if I saw before but it means something, most are unrated to be honest.

Here's a breakdown of it. Lethal Curves Ahead is unfinished and has had 26 views and no stars.

Faithless Pursuit is complete, has had 460 views/reads, no stars, a few comments by an acquaintance but as they deleted their account, the comments disappeared, which is unfair I think.

Paloma's Holiday Hijinks, the holiday story I was just referring too, 1 read, 1 star, which is sweet :) (It was short so I added it as one chapter).

Uncivilised Civilian has 42 views or reads and no stars.

Mr DJ Don't Play Me has 3 views or reads and nothing else.

Shenanigans With A Shifty Chef has 6 or 1 read, and 6 stars for each chapter. That's pretty kind.

How Mrs Claus Got Off The Naughty List has 43 views or reads and no stars.

And lastly Mr Cruise has nothing whatsoever but the interesting thing is Wattpad keeps giving some of them high ratings in the tags system.

On the blog, they roughly have about a 100 views or reads. I do want to carry on writing fiction, I just feel at the moment I am internally criticising myself and I can't seem to stop.

#BlogLife910 - Grow up I won't indulge your immaturity!

The lion cereal bars are disgusting. I expected something completely different because I like lion bars.

These are like eating stale cocoa puffs, with a nasty white coating underneath, I don't know if it's yoghurt, white chocolate or what but yuckkk.

It's got a horrible taste. I think it's the syrup. It's like eating something that is not fresh, not crunchy but chewy.

I was hoping for a bit of chocolate and nuts but nothing of the sort. I do not recommend them, no wonder it was on sale. Ick.

Strange Iceland sent me the invoice and refunded me the samosas that they said were on the way today?

That's what I don't get, why would they deliver something they're not charging me for?

I don't think they are coming back. I also forgot to mention, I saw something different.

Called Bulls in blankets, no pork whatsoever, just 12 lil mini beef sausages for £2.

I've never really seen mini versions so I thought why not. I don't feel I am eating much but the food is disappearing so I must be.

I'm having lots of small meals, that's probably why. Oh and the Crown Farms chicken burgers which look huge but are teensy weensy.

Severe false advertising there but maybe they are delicious. I'm cooking one and some onion bhajis just to snack on.

I don't feel like much and luckily they are tiny also. Oh my, my face is burning..

The onion bhajis are really nicely seasoned they taste more like pakoras which I love but spicier than normal, oof red face.

Then the chicken burgers turned out really tasty but again, there's spice, it's not unbearable but with the heatwave it's really warm.

I'm so glad I tried it though, just seems different to any other chicken burger, it's almost like a kebab but in burger form.

I'm glad I got the hummus dip, it's cooling everything down and adding a creaminess to it.

Let me get this off my chest. I just blocked AA/J for the second permanent time.

Why didn't I notice he was a J before, ha, no wonder he got on my nerves.

They all start off well, there was easy flowing banter, he knew my circumstances and was fine with it (as they are at the start).

Then he asked for my phone number in Discord and I thought Why?

So again I have to repeat myself and say I'm not interested in meets/picswaps as long as you're fine with that, I don't lead people on, I'm crystal clear.

And he was like Oh I assumed you wanted to meet me now. Nope, don't frigging assume anything about me.

So after that rejection he went hot and cold. Oh and why did I block him the first time?

I heard that married word, but afterwards he said he was long separated. Hmm I don't know..

So he went from being chatty to barely replying or initiating and then I thought, ok well he's not interesting in gabbing anymore, whatever.

The final straw was him the next day, sending a short message and me politely enquiring how he was..

Only to receive a one word response and nothing else. So screw that, I'm not chasing anyone and certainly not forcing anyone to talk to me, if you don't want too, then block me and move on, I don't give a damn.

I like straightforwardness. I just carried on with my day, I wrote posts, I was unpacking the shopping, I was busy.

Then he messages a few times, I check back and he's like Where were you??

WTF does it have to do with you?? His clingyness was soo offputting, have your own life and do your own thing, don't rely on me constantly to entertain you.

I'm always multi tasking so why can't you do the same??

So I was really irritated at this point. He doesn't own me, my time is my own. I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

I eventually replied that I was busy and not at his beck and call, not that there was anything much to reply too in any case.

So then he started this passive aggressive BS, Oh you want to block me again.

I said No, you're the distant one, you want that, but you're just to chicken to do it.

So then he tries to flip it back on me and say, I messaged you multiple times with no answer.

Pffft, all he said was Hey, and Oi. I don't respond to Oi, that's the most rudest greeting ever.

He was expecting me to start a conversation and then he said Oh I would have chatted more after that.

Grow the hell up! You wanna chat to me? I'm fine with it, but make the bloody effort to start.

Ask a question, talk about your day, share, don't expect me to do all the work because it makes you look like an empty fool!

All he said after that was Ok and then nothing and I thought You're gutless and a timewaster so I waited until the evening..

Nothing still and I blocked him. It was like dealing with a child demanding attention and then throwing a tantrum, not getting his way. Pfft.

#BlogLife909 - Awol postponement/Exploiting kindness

Originally I was leaving at the end of the month, then it was this week, now it's next month.

Her son is spitefully insisting he visit, this or next week so me and Mama don't get to spend our birthdays together.

Most of me doesn't give a crap and the rest is a smidgen disappointed.

How do I know it's on purpose? She let slip, fares are expensive so he's making less trips, but yet has insisted on visiting in July and August? Why???

Well we alllll know why, evilness.

I'm used to being the lowest priority, nobody really goes to bat for me, so it's fine.

I don't celebrate, it's just a regular day but I like surprising her with gifts and chilling out, switching off, just relaxing away from the chaos of my life.

I was looking forward to that but it will happen, just later than expected.

Yesterday I settled on her gift, well upgraded it. All she wanted was a red toaster, she loves that shade, as do I.

But I thought what would be even more fun, was to get her a mini press grill, like mine, but in red, oof it was pricey but mine has lasted years and years.

I hope hers does the same. It's easy to use and very stylish actually. It will probably arrive next week, hopefully before her birthday.

A lil update. I've finished the other body butter and am using the new one, I don't like the fragrance as much.

I'll have to look it up, ahh it's the dark amber, not so keen on it but the American Dream golden dusk was much nicer.

It's nice and thick but it still seems less moisturising than before.

I'm still using the Astral moisturiser, actually I'm enjoying it more than I thought.

My skin is nice and hydrated. I only need to use a tiny amount because it's quite greasy but if you don't use much, it's a better experience.

My face doesn't feel oily and smothered. It's just light and soft, with a lovely generic scent.

The breakouts are here and there but I am eating a lot of sugar so that could be why.

Hmm I guess the other thing bothering me is, I feel a lil irritated.

There's a new random AA/J and he's fine but it always seems to be that same pattern.

I'm not keen on meets or photos. They send one and I roll my eyes thinking ugh, I didn't want to see you and now you'll pressure me for one back.

I stand my ground and then other times, I think, maybe I should compromise.

In photo form as opposed to me in general I feel unattractive. It just highlights me in the most unflattering form.

That's why I despise photos of myself, I can look in the mirror and think cuteee but in camera images, I think yuck, it just knocks my confidence.

Anyway I've talked about that many times, it won't change, no matter how many inches I lose.

So I ended up sending non face pictures, hand photos from when I had long nails and painted designs on them for fun.

And instead of acknowledging, Oh that must have been difficult for you, I appreciate it and won't ask for more.

It's like he gloated, Ha, you said you wouldn't send and you did.

I always feel exploited, as though, I try to be kind and meet someone halfway or push myself out of my comfort zone to not be selfish...

And then it's taken advantage off. I wish for once, someone would say.....

I won't ask for more, you did me a favour and that's all I wanted. Case closed.

Thanks for trying but he was like, send me more images...... I'm just feeling a bit raw.

It's the same experience, take take take, nobody just accepts me for who I am.

I'm always expected to change. It just makes me feel like crap.

I always had that feeling in the back of my mind....... You're not good enough as you are, You need to be better.

So when things like that happen, it takes me back to feeling inadequate.

Trying my best and it still wasn't good enough. My thoughts got interrupted by the Iceland guy ha.

That was unusual, the tracking didn't update and he said, something wasn't in stock but due today, so will be re-delivered later maybe?

I found that so weird, ha, nice but strange. Usually it's hard luck, it's out of stock sorry, we'll refund you.

It's only the veggie samosas, I just wanted some snack items. Talking of which, I did see a few things to try.

Lion breakfast cereal bars, looked fun 6x£1, it was supposed to be £1.25 but it was on sale, woop.

That's what I was going to say. I hate that I have no issue spoiling others, that's exciting to me.

But when it comes to myself, sometimes I don't feel I deserve it? Why not??

I'm out of all my favourite perfumes and I was browsing for Elizabeth Taylor En Rouge and I saw it for £23 maybe.

I thought hmm, bit steep, then I was sent an offer so now it's £20, very reasonable for a 100ml bottle.

It was double that I'm sure last time, but I ended up paying £18 I think and I was so happy.

But I'm still hesitant to purchase it. Just seems extravagant, even though it's something I need and want.

I'm still internally debating it. I guess that's it really. I wonder if anyone will ever see me, appreciate me and think...

That woman, SS, I like her just as she is, I won't push her to sacrifice herself to me.

I'll just embrace her uniqueness. I know that sometimes she will pull away from me. I won't crowd her.

I know sometimes she won't want to have a serious conversation. I'll joke with her, not at her.

I know that sometimes she'll be prickly and extra sensitive to words so I'll make sure she feels special and cared for,

And lastly I know that she's been hurt a lot in the past and continues to be in stressful situations..

Her first instinct is to run, heal, step away and build her walls back up but I know that in these times, she needs me even more to comfort her, to be there, not to push, but if she wants anything at all, without expecting something back in return..

I'll be there for moral support, not because I have too but because I want too.

She has no-one, had no-one but now I'm here.

I mean wouldn't that be lovely??!!