#BlogLife655 - I uninstalled all messengers because of you

I think when I was a lil girl, the thought of dressing up and posing and wearing multi coloured wigs or bright shoes or pulling silly faces seemed fun.

When the weight piled on, I no longer felt like everyone else, I felt awkward and different, a million eyes on me, judging my every action.

I never felt big, it was everyone around me, don't eat that, Oh you've gone up another dress size..

Hmm, have you noticed how slender and beautiful so and so is? You could be the same, if only you didn't eat so much...

I'm proud of my healthier lifestyle, the steady weight loss but I still feel somewhat icky about myself.

The thought of photographs is disgusting to me. All men seem to want is to send and receive nonstop pictures which I can't stand.

To me, before meeting up one is enough. To say cooee, full transparency, this is me.

I don't see the need for more, you know what I look like now, the date has occurred.

I'm not sending revealing pictures, don't send them to me, I've blocked my phone from incoming and outgoing photos.

I don't want to see your tinky winky, alright? Get the picture? Or rather, you probably won't.

I know maybe I should change my perception, take a million pictures, get used to it, see it in a different light...

Make a challenge out of it possibly? I just don't see it enriching my life.

I think it's just something I'm strongly averse too. It would take me firing off a million pictures to find an image of myself that was tolerable.

I make my peace with it. I won't send a snap of myself until it's absolutely necessary.

I recently got rid of a random solely because, he was fine and funny but obsessed with seeing me.

It turned into a nag so I told him it's off-putting and I'm really uncomfortable so the more he backed me into a corner, the more I would just not want to talk to him.

And the final straw was when he said Watch your attitude and I thought I'm being honest with you and because it's not what you want to hear, you're being defensive and rude, so I said thanks for your company and you'd be better off with someone else.

I almost felt bullied towards the end and I need someone patient who will let me go at my own pace, when I feel relaxed.

He didn't think I was going to cut him off but I reach a breaking point as everyone does.

It felt like two seconds later, I reacquainted with another random who said, You've got this no nonsense, unapproachable way about you.

But he wasn't saying it in a rude way, just in a direct way, which made me laugh because it's mainly true.

There is this harshness where I weed out undesirables and look for intellect and humour and someone that can match my wackiness without accusing me of being drunk or high or crazy.

I'm just trying to have moments of silliness away from the constant pain, exhaustion and helplessness I feel during most of the day.

I want to forget the stress and have a giggle and I expect whoever I'm talking to, to match the energy and wit and if they don't, it's bye bye.

So we ended up having a microphone chat and he has the loveliest Irish accent.

Some words are a lil hard to understand but for the most part we got the gist of each others ramblings.

I just clarified that I'm particular about who I converse with, as I've had really great chats and I'm not going to suffer through a bad one, what is the point??