#BlogLife115 - Do people mind being mentioned on your blog?

Good question imagination. I think family would mind, as they don't come out in a flattering light. Even if it is all true. Best they don't know about it, they would just deny it all anyway.

Friends I am not sure if they would care either way. As for the recommended blogs, the bloggers haven't said anything. I don't know if they would be concerned.

I don't even know if I should remove one of them. It seems like a dead blog. Good start and then it petered out. I prefer current, active blogs to showcase.

I mean I understand maintaining a blog is difficult, you have to put the time in and be inspired but it's nice when the effort is made.

I did like having a couple of blog options available though. Maybe before I remove, I should find a replacement to add instead so it looks fuller?

The acquaintances are a mixed breed. Half of them demand to be acknowledged on the blog.

They want recognition and to be someone significant in my life and for others to know that. Whereas the opposites do not want their names or any reference to them posted here.

They want to be private and discreet, away from the spotlight or anyone reading the blog but honestly it is not a huge place. It's not famous and on any recommended pages so the chances of it being connected to them are slim to none.

Part of me feels like they have something to hide or they already acknowledge to themselves that their behaviour is imperfect and the other side thinks, well I can understand it because I wouldn't like my conversations broadcast to the world either.

I told them all that I would never use anyone's whole name. I would just stick to the initial. For my own reference sake. I think that is fair.

It's not a spite thing. A lot of the times, I just feel really muddled up and I can't find any peace or solutions but somehow when I write it out.

It all seems to make better sense to me and I can easily draw conclusions that previously were eluding me. That's why I find it helpful and I can reread it and think, yea I understand it all better now.

I'm not sure why but I still feel exhausted and stiff today. I have the heat massager rotating on my back and it feels wonderful.

I really have to start doing it regularly because I don't like feeling as though I have no energy and my body is just tense and limited with movements.

#BlogLife112 - The worst thing you can say to me is....

I don't have time for you..

I already feel invisible and unheard, therefore this is not a new concept to me and I won't be waiting around.

There are some nice women here, maybe I'll just invite one of them back to mine.. 

Again I've been predominantly cheated on from most of the guys I have dated and I'm expecting it at this point. We are not a couple or tied to each other but you better believe I am assessing your behaviour/words.

Be your easy going self immediately.. 

I think or hope I've gotten to the stage where I'm not a wreck before a date. I'll just feel apprehensive.

However I'm sure when the moment arrives, some nerves may get the best of me and if that happens I'll be choosing my words carefully and may not be as friendly.

I'll also be looking for signs that you are not having a good time and wish to cut it short. 

I don't want to hangout with someone who doesn't appreciate my glorious companionship. 

I was just joking..

The issue with saying this is, that the damage is already done and I am spiralling. You have sown the seeds of doubt in my head and now I just wonder even more about my significance in your life.

I guess my point in all this is that, my life will never be straightforward and although I am still not looking for someone to be in my life.

I am looking for traits. I don't want to be an afterthought or a first thought. I only want to be allowed to grow and figure out my role in a potential relationship.

I don't want to be judged or misunderstood. I want to share and not have it turned around. You know the real honest to goodness reason that I let people take the lead and outline the terms....?

Is because I choose it that way. I'm aware of what they are doing and I accept it because it benefits me! The other times when I feel manipulated, will be the time that I push back and refuse to cooperate.

I will stand my ground and fight or leave because that is in my best interest. Just be aware.......When you think you are in control.....You really are not.

I don't like men I can walk all over but I also don't tolerate men that think they can force me to act or speak according to their whims.

Only I get to decide that, never you!

#BlogLife111 - Belated beautification

I still feel a lil miffed around mama and it brings up a long of painful memories of the past but she doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge her actions so meh..

It's just one of those awful things that I have to try and get past. I was wiped out yesterday so by 10pm I just went to bed which is weirdly early for me.

I slept well until 6.30am and just took my time starting all the preparations. It's not often I have an abundance of time on my hands so I decided to choose my outfit carefully and lay out my makeup.

I went with black trousers, a long black top underneath and then a red/black fancy shiny satiny top over it. Very feminine and flowy.

I did a mix of chocolate and pink lipgloss and for the eyes, I did a dark and light purple blend. I even put on foundation. I went full on makeup because it was a belated birthday pedicure/massage/brows day.

The weather looked nippy and dicey to start with but I didn't want to walk with a jacket and in the end, the sun was shining brightly and warmly anyhow.

For the first time in ages, I beat mama and I arrived before her so started my luxurious pedicure and luckily she was really gentle so no painful movements at all.

The massage chair was working the tension out of my body and I was in heaven with the leg/foot massage and then she finally turned up.

She overslept so I just went ahead and got my brows and they turned out soooo good. This is how I like them, thin and shapely.

Then we went off to lunch in our favourite cafe. It's a shame they don't have an extensive dessert menu but I ordered my usual chicken salad and the waitress was laughing.

I said I know, I'm sooo boring ha. I always get the same thing but it's really good, we had not sat inside, since the lockdown so she was saying that it was good to see us :)

The beautician always ends up removing my eye makeup and I had just wiped my lippy off, when he walked in..... Yum. He was tall, broad shouldered and just a beautiful man.

I don't even like facial hair but he had a beard and a moustache but it was neat. I briefly checked him out and thought oh my.....

Why did you sit so far away? Ha!! I promise I wasn't staring madly at him. Our eyes only met briefly, as he was just gazing around.

He didn't give me a second look but I may have given him 1 or 2 more glances.... I was trying to eat so that, I didn't have mess on my face..

But damn I wish I still had a full cute made up look but no matter because mama was with me and we were talking but not as much as usual.

I may have been distracted and still irritated with her but it was a great day nonetheless. I did eat really slowly and I'm still unsure if it was because of the hot tottie or maybe I was starting to get full :D

#BlogLife108 - Is my criticism constructive?

Being someone that could never seem to do anything right, no matter how hard I tried, it is a difficult concept to be critical of someone else, even if they ask me to be. 

My intention is always to help them improve and feel more positive. However I think carefully before I speak or reply and read it or think about it a few times before I give my responses.

I still feel guilty though, that I am being harsh or that anything I say could be taken in a mean spirited way. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, the way mine were constantly dismissed.

I just think I have a different perspective that they can delve into or just reject because it isn't what they are seeking. I find it admirable that they are willing to open themselves up and ask for help.

I would struggle with that and cringe before listening to anything. I would probably do anything to avoid it, purely because I would be convinced that someone would say something evil for the sake of it.

I have been following a rule of mine for some time to soften anything harsh that I might have to add. I start off with the negative side, things they can consider altering and I close with the positives.

Even if they find me a bit blunt with my ideas, at least they can be comforted by the genuine praise of what they are excelling at.

Hopefully in the end that will lessen the shock value and they will just see that I am merely trying to give them what they asked for, some objective input.

Does that sound reasonable?

#BlogLife106 - Crazy Self Therapy 5

Hey Doc, I'm back. It's been a few months and it's the same up and downess it always is but I'm just tired of it. I feel like my back is up and I am once more cautious.

It just seems like the danger comes from people I know rather than strangers. I should be able to trust and rely on them but I cannot.

I am so sick and tired of building my self esteem up, only for someone to come and walk all over me again as though I am nothing in their eyes!

It's like I stand up straight and puff out my chest and finally start feeling good about myself and my accomplishments and someone just points at me and sneers..

Or worse still they treat me as though I don't matter and are not worth their time. I am struggling once more to feel happy about myself.

Every single time I encourage myself to open up and give a piece of me away, it's just treated with contempt.

What on earth is the point of trying to connect or trusting someone or trying at all when I get the same feedback??

I need to regroup and strengthen my high walls again because I am at the point where I believe them again.

What if they are right about me?

What if it really is better that I don't communicate?

What if I am a nobody?

What if my words, insights, feelings and thoughts are inconsequential and are not worth caring about?

Alright you shared a lot today and that was commendable but here is my take on it. I understand why you are feeling this way.

We have been through a long tough road together and the different pitfalls of all your combined family/friends/romantic relationships haven't always been healthy..

However I still maintain we have made significant progress on that front. There have been times, where you have made the effort and it has paid off.

Do what you need to get back to feeling worthwhile but in the meantime, just think carefully before you burn all of your bridges.

Either way I am on your side and will support any decision you make. It is acceptable to cry. Everyone is devalued at times and it is part of life to feel lost and alone.

Although nobody has the right to make you feel that way! Before we end this session, you are going to list your highlights in front of me.

1. Composed a book all by myself and then completed it.

2. Had a dream and book 2 was born and I am writing it out.

3. Started volunteering and I reach people that at times, others do not.

4. Experimented with a lot of platforms until I found a home on Blogger.

5. Learned to cut and style my own hair.

6. Took a chance and let others in and made friends/acquaintances.

7. Transitioned into a healthier state by becoming a teetotalist. Avoiding excess salt/sugar and trying out more vegan/vegetarian alternatives.

8. Removed toxic/wishy-washy people from my life.

9. Winning fabulous prizes in competitions ranging from Money/Giftcards/Mobiles/Premiere Tickets/Hampers.

10. Saving a fortune by bargain hunting, negotiating and product testing high quality items that I get to keep and benefit from using.

11. Prioritising my safety by avoiding physical/emotional situations that involve bullies and danger.

12. Surviving everything that I have been through and continue to battle. PTSD, health, confidence crisis, verbal attacks, belittling and being ignored.

You're right Doc, I feel a whole lot better! I am a somebody and although I may not be conventionally normal. I am a smart, tough cookie who can make it through anything!

:)

#BlogLife105 - The flirty ride home

It's weird how I can open up to some people straight away and others I remain closed off from either permanently or just to begin with.

When I got into the cab from mama's I usually just take the cues from them, some are chatty and other's prefer not to talk. I don't mind either but at least when someone is engaged, I feel less panicky.

My PTSD triggers can occur anytime but usually it is when I am dreaming or outdoors. That is why I use talking or listening to music as a coping mechanism.

At first he started off quietly so I didn't think anything of it and was just playing games on my phone and then he just became more chatty.

Actually flirty and friendly. I was telling him that was my mama seeing me off and helping with the bags and that we were just celebrating and he was surprised that she looked so youthful for her age.

I just told him that it is good genes. This family just ages well, without wrinkles and visible signs, except on our scalps. As expected the follow up question is always heritage based.

Where is she from? I sometimes give a complete answer and other times, give the vague version. I just get annoyed when someone has assumed my identity just by looking at me.

If you are just assuming facts about me. I can't be bothered to correct you. You just seem ignorant to me but if you ask me, then I might be more inclined to share.

I told him and he was surprised as they usually are and said Oh I want to marry someone from there and what is your ideal type of guy?

I was just laughing thinking, strange how I am sitting back here, thinking he preferred not communicating with my optional face mask still plastered on my face so it's half hidden with no makeup on.

Then suddenly he's being kinda charming? I guess. I didn't mind because the distraction is useful and the drive is a bit of a trek.

Plus I was feeling off balance. I just felt like by my mama praising all those people that I didn't like and who treated me shamefully..

She was reinforcing their disgusting behaviour. Basically saying all that happened to me was acceptable because she looked up to them and admired them so they couldn't be imperfect.

I felt quite low actually and a bit teary. I maintained my composure but admitting out loud that I couldn't wait to go home and be at peace was sad.

Shouldn't my visit have been uplifting and care-free? I am just reminded that my relationship with my parents has and always will be shaky.

#BlogLife104 - Embracing my hair's age

As I was lounging and drying my hair, I was thinking about what to talk about. I was putting away my clothes that had dried, wrapping up a call and then I was looking in the mirror to see if all of my hair was dry.

Before I showered/bathed I trimmed 2/3 inches off. I was supposed to do it at mama's but I completely forgot. I avoided snipping her hair in case I messed it up but actually it was easy.

Her hair looked thicker and a sunny rainbow of colours. Yellowy, red, brunette and black. She's been obsessed with covering her greys for ages.

However I know all that colouring has also drastically thinned her hair. I was looking at my own scalp and reminiscing about when I was younger and how thick, long and utterly boring it was.

Yes it was healthy, yes there was an abundance of it but it was so dull, no matter how I tried to layer, perm, colour and style it. It was just so ordinary.

I did try going to stylists and saying I have seen this inspirational cut, can you recreate it? All of them nodded and none of them were talented enough to follow through.

It seemed like back then I only cut my hair a few times a year and each time I did, they hacked off an unflattering amount. 5/6 inches worth and I was back to square one, regrowing it.

Nowadays, well for a while now. I try to cut it at least monthly or even every other month at the very least. I take off the same amount, 2/3 inches but this time it is as though, my hair was never cut because there is so much more length remaining.

I'm happy that I have options now. My hair never used to curl at all and now I can have it wavy or straight. I do possess grey hairs at the front of my head and my scalp is slightly visible but so be it.

I'm not a celebrity. I'm just an ordinary woman that is ageing naturally therefore I am not going to dye it. If I ever see the amazing henna shampoo again, I would try it though.

It's funny how people in the media, makes these rules up so much so that others believe them. If you're voluptuous, you can't pull off thin brows or have a short hairdo....

Newsflash I can do both and still look adorably chic. I am making my own rules so don't waste your time dictating about what is best for me or my body.

I got it handled :)

Before I forget, my elbows have healed up, the rest from not lounging on them worked. I lavished them with body butter and they are cured.

Also for the first time I tried out Burt's Bees lip balm and my lips have stopped chapping. I always heard good things but I never tried it before. I recommend it.