#BlogLife171 - I survived.......But did I really?

Firstly I'm sorry about the lack of a new post on Friday. Thoughts were running in my head but nothing seemed to piece together.

I assumed it would make sense but it never did so I decided on a long weekend. I spent most of it looking at this old drama that reminded me of Cracker.

It was called The Fall with Gillian Anderson. A show about a serial killer who you kinda saw inside their mindset but also against the contrast of the loner killer stereotype.

He was married with kids and was even a counsellor. It was bizarre but addictive. Enjoyed it until the end where it didn't quite feel satisfying....

Casting that aside it just made me think of traumatic experiences in general. How we as humans are supposed to forget and move on...

How if we survive a horrific ordeal, we are deemed "lucky." 

I can say with certainty that I didn't and don't feel fortunate. I have to live with it. I recall things randomly..

I was in the worst state possible, yet I couldn't shake this notion, that something even more excruciating was going to happen next.

The unthinkable had occurred, what on earth did I think could top that??

It eats away at me. I see these terrifying flashes in my dreams. There is no control, no safety, there is just abandonment, fear and danger.

My heart pounds, I'm sweating profusely and my breathing is ragged. I wish I could switch off but the sun hasn't set yet and it's too dark.

I don't want to switch on all the lights but neither do I want to be engulfed by darkness.

If I play party music at this point, my breath returns to normal and I don't feel so panicky.

I can remember all the times I pressed play and danced in my room or in some other place and there was nothingness.

I was singing or humming, with known or unknown lyrics/tunes.

It feels like a big YES. You are entitled to feel this way. No-one can disagree or change you..

The music sweeps me away with it and I can just be!!! I'm not wrong or right, I'm just free.

Don't try to pick me apart or understand, just go with it. Let me sway and sing and find a way to accept this state of maddening confusion and rage.

I can't make sense of it but I can let it just ride and be where it needs to be.

I'm not a riddle to be figured out. I don't get it, so what the hell makes you think you know me?

You don't and you never will!

I'm just sick of people asking me these superficial questions and then making snap judgements.

"Oh that must have been terrible but it's in the past!"

What people forget is that technically it is in the past because that's when it occurred but when you live with something daily and it lingers in your mind.

It's the past, present and future too. There's no getting away from it.