#BlogLife12 - Am I ready to quit?

Last year I wasn't in a good place. My blog felt stagnant and I wasn't inspired and my books were left abandoned because I gave up.

I thought on how difficult it was to open up in blog-form. I mean forget about people. I don't connect with them but writing was a way to be myself and not let anyone take that away from me.

I considered just deleting my blog and disappearing and a scary painful thought bubbled up to the surface. What if this was the only way I could express myself?

What if when I erased this blog, I lost my voice again? This panicked me for a lot of reasons. My life isn't straightforward. There is emotional, physical and lifelong pain to deal with.

I remember voicing it somewhere safe online and someone saying. "You're up, you're down, you're like a rollercoaster, don't you think you're being a drama queen?"

It's not word-for-word but it was along those lines and tonight I shared my blog with someone new and he said "Hmm, you're quite stoic huh?"

I had to Google that because I wasn't even sure what that meant. Enduring hardship without showing their feelings or complaining is what it means.

I had to laugh comparing the two vastly different responses. I braced myself for the negative. I think I do that because I am used to that feedback.

When he said there wasn't anything to critique, I relaxed and pushed him to be honest. 

I'm not as witty as I think I am, right? 

I need a new theme?

My posts are too long? 

I'm too whiny? 

I started off with a red face being terrified he was going to be brutal and now I was actively goading him to be mean.. 

I realised I could take onboard what he had to say without being personally attacked.

When the first guy kept chipping away at me, I realised it wasn't a safe space after all. I struggle with critique because it isn't always helpful.

At times it is downright personal. It isn't about growth, it makes me feel as though I am being silenced again. 

I quit that site and when the owner asked why? I explained that I struggled with self-esteem and to have someone that couldn't be blocked constantly in my ear, was too much for me.

I was already adrift, this was pushing me over the edge. I think I just took some time out and slowly let my confidence build up again.

When the second guy asked about my tagline.. 

A 40something's woman's personal diary type blog about writing fiction, the aftermath of growing up in a household being bullied/belittled and my tactics in trying to deal with everyday trauma due to PTSD/chronic illness and chronic pain.

He said is it true? I just said I didn't want to talk about, to which he replied. I wasn't going to judge you.

The funny thing was I believed him but I can't just launch into my past history. I feel a need to protect myself from physical and emotional harm.

I'm glad that I persevered and broke through the writer's block. It's amusing that the first guy thought I was playing up my emotions.

That I woke up and thought, I know today I'm going to be purposely down and write a miserable entry about how unhappy I am.

Then after lunch, I'll be upbeat and write something really cute and schmaltzy and sickeningly sweet.

My days are the same. I wake up hoping I am suitably rested. I don't act happy anymore. I will have a conversation and go with that mood but I can also find something amusing about it.

I don't see it as hiding my feelings. I see it as not letting them control me and through this chat I am genuinely smiling or laughing.

Then when I am all alone I just let my mind wander wherever it needs to go. When I perform an action like carrying a bag, I am soon reminded that ouch, I can only be carefree for a certain point.

Leave me to be whoever the hell I want or need to be in that moment!

Sometimes I need to just be angry because the same things occur and instead of being able to be in a rage. I am stuck being afraid.

Part of me wishes I could be a normal happy chirpy blogger, giving advice and helping people but I can't. I accept it because this is my voice and it may not always be pretty but it is honest.