#BlogLife190 - Be someone else (crazy self therapy 6)

I'm lounging here finally realising that as well as plugging in the electric blankie, I need to switch it on too.

I am finally de-thawing as it is heating up and wearing two blankets helps, one heated, one non, are better than none.

I'm trying to wrap up the foodie short story I was hoping to have concluded before Christmas but my brain is spiralling.

This was the wrong time to buy cold breakfasty stuff like yoghurt. I'm not quite back to having a bit appetite. Just nibbling bits and pieces.

Currently that oaty nutty cereal. Anyway my mind is just randomly connecting thoughts and I realised that my confidence identity crisis has stemmed from people wanting me to be someone else.

Hardly anyone has ever said and mean't it or acted like they wanted me to be myself and stay that way.

It was always, act like your cousins, act like your friends, act like your siblings.

I think that is why I punish myself and am self critical. Noone else was accepting me so I figured. Hey I must be a bad person and must need to alter myself to be normal.

People around me continue to treat me the same, as though I am a burden and easily dismissable.

Pretty impossible not to take that personally and think, meh it's just them, that is their opinion.

I just wanted a piece of someone's time, never all of it. Yet people talk over me and are "busy."

Yet they have sufficient spots for other people. I have had multiple types of friendships.

1. Timewasters - Some purposefully seek me out and then drag the conversation down 24-7 or lie continuously for no reason.

2. Control freaks - I want to go here, I want to do that. I want to call the shots. I dictate the topics.

3. Apathetic - A one way friendship. They don't want to communicate but expect me to be warm and fuzzy while I'm chasing them trying to maintain this nonexistent relationship.

4. Spiteful - Whether knowingly or unknowingly. They have made a lifetime habit of lil digs at me. Hmm clutzy much? Wait a good looking guy, fancies you??????

5. Good at first, then fizzles - These were more wholesome. It was more equal. At first we both made the effort and put time into it and then it was just me and my patience only lasts so long before I figure.......

What the hell is the point??

I'm trying to keep going and embrace all the odd parts of me and I say odd affectionately because being quirky is part of me.

I'm not trying to be perfect and be like everyone else. I'm carving my own path forwards and stumbling and getting back on my feet.

It would be nice if one of my stories or posts could be the one that get's me more noticed or more engagements but I'm not after notoriety.

I think it would just be satisfying to write something that could reach people in a way that is unique to me.

I like all my fiction but the latest one on the blog at least, not on wattpad is my favourite one to date.

I just don't know how to bring it all together and then end it. I'm really trying to keep them short and fun but I want to develop it a lil bit so there is a bit of substance there.

I'm on chapter 15 of Lethal Curves Ahead and I can't wait to skip ahead to other storylines I have in my head.

I'm just trying to create some sort of love triangle, as per usual. You know me, I hate where there is only a solo hero. There always needs to be two candidates to make it less predictable.

The last time I published a chapter was November. Eeek, that's bad right??!!

At least I managed to finish it yesterday. I don't feel so clouded anymore, even with this freezing cold weather.

It's just past 9am and I hope the repair guy turns up soon. Would be nice if it is the same one I am used to dealing with but we shall see.

I'm hoping it is just the usual problem and not anything more serious. He already mentioned a backlog for spare parts which has me panicking slightly.

This week was difficult to get through as it is. I wish I could walk around in the furry fleecey heated blankie but I would probably trip over the plug :D

I hope you all have a fun, chilled or action packed weekend, depending on your interests.

I'll see you back, hopefully Monday :)