#BlogLife125 - Dear bully 4/The silent onlooker.. (fictionish) *Mature audiences only*

I put my hand up. Can I say something?

Who said you could look at me, let alone speak? Be quiet until I acknowledge your existence.

I really think I could help. I know things. Maybe you didn't realise th-

*Walks towards me* I cannot physically kill you but I wish you were dead. 

You are pointless and I will remind you every day that whatever you think and feel and realise will make you even more useless and imbecilic to not only me but everyone else and yourself.

*I fold my arms angrily* You're wrong! I have significance in this world and my contributions are worthwhile.

You probably didn't hear me so I will repeat myself. You possess no importance at all. 

When we are outside, stay away from me and do not let anyone know we are related in any shape or form.

*Applauds softly* Thank you, finally you said something we can agree on. 

I now despise you as much as you hate me. I would never wish you on anyone and hope you expire alone!

You are part of the reason for my fear of men and people. You made it so that I couldn't speak. 

Everything was internal. I looked but I didn't dare talk.

I wasn't allowed to discover life or who I was. I just had to curse myself for being born into this life of dread.

Don't speak

Don't smile

Don't be happy

Don't be sure of yourself

Don't engage

Don't let your guard down

Run away

Find safety

Find help

Resign yourself to being around atrocities

Keep trying to exit gracefully, it has to eventually work..... If the pills don't do it, the knife will. If that isn't successful, starvation will.

People try to make friends with me but I can't speak. I don't know how to communicate.

Part of me thinks that I wish you had murdered me, the way you annihilated my soul. I mean that would have been over and done with.

But instead each day was verbal torture. People kept asking if I was being abused at home but it wasn't physical, so that was acceptable?!

That's normal? Being verbally abused every day is routine, right? Is it something to shrug off and deal with? 

Except I couldn't. So here is my voice. Here are my actions and words and answers.

I wish you were permanently gone so I never have to hear your name again or that you had suffered the same fate you put me through. 

Hate doesn't begin to cover it all. You made my life full of danger.

You bashed in all my belief in myself.

You struck me psychologically with the words..... *SHUT UP* at every interval in which I attempted some form of expression.

You hunted me for sport and made me think I would be beaten up regularly.

You hammered in the same phrases. Your efforts are for nothing and I will turn everyone against you.

Outside you smiled, were well mannered and joked around. 

People always remarked, wow, what a wonderful person, you are so lucky to have him around.

He isn't here? Awww I miss him. How is he doing?

This is what I wanted to say. You are all gullible idiots who are falling for his act. 

Yet me, who is trying my best to fit and be one of you lot is outcast as intolerable.

The reason why?? I have zero conviction in myself. I can't share, I can't let you in and be normal. 

I can't be smiley and carefree because I live at home with destruction.

I loathe him and all of you for not seeing behind his mask of duplicity. You see what you want to see. Hear what you prefer too.

This is why I disappeared. If you can't tell the difference between fake and genuine and that I am the wholesome party, then you are as dead to me as he is.

Anything else is just gossip for everyone to laugh at. The rage and disgust I feel for you is limitless. 

My life was locking myself in my room and sobbing, that was it and wanting to not be here or anywhere.

Do you get it yet? Do you comprehend now why I have to be safe at all times? 

Why I can never give out my address? Why I could never again go back to being hounded like prey??

I have had enough emotional kicks and being stomped on. Yet it never goes away. 

It lives and breathes in my mind. That is what pernicious does, it lingers.....

It should fade but it just get's stronger because I was never seen, the real me was never sought out and loved. 

I continue to search for her...