#BlogLife41 - What do you want from me?

I got a few hours sleep as per usual but arose early again. I hadn't put on my lenses yet or had breakfast and the phone rang.

I hadn't switched on the ringer yet so I missed the call and the person redialled and this time I answered with a sigh. I feel like the day was just about to start smoothly and then I hear from him.

I sense this irritation directed at me. I have a valid justification for it but it doesn't matter to him. He has an opinion and it is the only important one as far as he is concerned.

I disagree but only in my mind as there doesn't seem to be any point. I am pulled in different directions again and it is piling on the stress.

He changes tactics and asks about my wellbeing in a fake reassuring manner. I would love to tell the truth and I manage a partial confession.

Going outside is difficult. The lightheadedness remains the same. The soreness increases. Plus there was a trigger which I didn't even want to mention.

My go to solution is to turn away from it but I couldn't because I needed to head in that direction and there was no deviation. I just kept telling myself to breathe.

I turned up the volume on my music and pressed on in a hurry, although part of me just wanted to stop and sink. I can't stop replaying the image in my head.

I didn't have a full blown panic attack but I did/do feel uneasy. My back is hurting a lot and I don't even know why.

Then he asked me the question I have been dreading. My mama keeps asking me also. Have I had the vaccine yet? I gave him the condensed version. 

My Doctor's practice closed down and I have a new one so haven't been notified yet. The truth that I haven't told anyone is this....

When the surgery closed down years ago I received a letter stating that I should pick a new place to register with. I binned the letter and didn't take the advice.

I have not bothered seeing a Doctor in years. I have so much anger and despondency. I can't have hope anymore that I'll get the treatment I deserve.

I can't hear these words any longer.

You are exaggerating your symptoms

You are lying

There is nothing wrong with you

You are healthy

You are wasting my time

I can't assist you

You need to retake painkillers and antidepressants

I think a part of me just dies inside. I am already struggling with opening bottles and unscrewing the caps on my cases for my lenses.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be told you aren't sick when you are? How that damages a person? How they ask themselves burning questions.

Maybe, the Doctor is right. I could be okay if I..... NO! The Doctor isn't correct. I am tired of battling the indifference. I don't have any strength left.

I really was fine but now I'm not. I have had years of going back and forth and now just as Doctors have written me off, I have done the same.

I no longer feel the need to make you believe me. I know I have multiple health conditions. I don't care whoever remains cynical can scoff away.

I HAVE PERMANENT MOBILITY ISSUES, PTSD AND CHRONIC PAIN!

The reason I just shouted that is because the truth felt so good to disclose.