#BlogLife109 - Can fire and ice coexist?

On one hand there is you, bold, decisive and possessing a clear objective in mind, stopping at nothing to achieve it and get a satisfactory response.

Then there is me. I think I know what I want and can visualise it. I can write it out but I cannot completely come to terms with it. A part of me second guesses, is this me?

It doesn't sound like me or what I would do or feel and then I realise the reason I continue to feel conflicted. It stems back from unhealthy relationships.

I would have figured out the type of person I was a long time ago if I had someone that I could have fallen in love with, who also loved me back.

I just remember that dating was a means to an end. It wasn't joyous, it was escapism. Instead of it being something natural. I just clung to whoever, hoping it would last a bit longer.

Not because I had any feelings or due to being treated affectionately. I just didn't want to be at home. Now living on my own, I have new fears..

I worry about if someone is genuine. It is a concern that I will never let my guard down. What if I miss my moment? I take it slowly, step by step and do not skip any milestones.

My fear is that I will forever be this stepping stone woman. A way for them to pass the time, until someone they really want comes along.

Someone far more suitable. Open, ambitious and experienced with how to function in partnerships. I don't know what has to happen before I know who I am?

I just continue to wait for the worst and assume that it is only a matter of time before you stray away and decide that this whole thing is less than ideal and it's not worth the time to see if it will evolve.

The only recourse I can see is for something that has never happened before to suddenly present itself. Over time if we were to develop naturally, maybe then there would be a chance to showcase all the different sides of me, safely...?

I'm never going to be un-muddled and clear headed immediately. I will remain....

Fearful,

Torn,

Insecure,

Nervous

and self critical because there are a lot of dividing factors involved. I can't just be naturally bubbly and relaxed due to my head being pulled in different directions.

After each moment passes, I can try and share what I feel, why I am in that particular mood but none of this feels normal to me because dating has always been unpleasant for me.

How am I supposed to enjoy it and be excited when I just feel stressed and part of me wants to escape any expectations and the other part ponders on.....

What if this time, it will somehow work out?