#BlogLife342 - Aftermath of physical/emotional trauma

I've been snapping a lot and I'm trying to take some steps to deal with my feelings.

I'm surprised that I'm sleeping really well at the moment, huge chunks of sleep which is unusual but very needed.

I've done some pampering too, I added a mask and face wash to the face brush and spent a bit longer massaging my face which was glorious.

My skin is glowing and I feel more calmer but there is still something lingering behind.

I guess anger because it could have been avoided and why even put traffic lights out if they are faulty??

I'm conflicted about travelling home to see family. On one hand I still feel guilty about not seeing them and I am downplaying their destructive depressing influence on my life....

But on the other side, the older I get, the less I can hide from the brutality of it.

It's not all bad but it just seems easier for them to get to me and it takes me longer and longer to bounce back.

I really wish they could sense how toxic their language and behaviour is but there is just no self awareness, they think they are all fine!

Maybe it would be different if I was mentally stronger. If I had tougher walls that didn't crack.

I don't know, I'm trying, I'm working on it. It's just hard sometimes, dealing with the aches and pains, PTSD, the insomnia, the writers block and the nightmares.

Plus having to support myself, knowing that no one is ever going to have my back. 

I really have to watch a tearjerker, which is the next step to force the tears out but I'm not really in the mood.

I've been enjoying the latin pop songs and adding more to the playlists which is fun.

Although I did try to watch one and didn't feel anything lol. Bollywood films always make me cry but reading the subtitles gives me a headache.

I did end up speaking to mama yesterday and she was different.

She seemed like she was actually listening, sympathising and focused, normally she is barely there and quick to disconnect.

I'm not sure why the change of heart and I'm not expecting a complete turnaround but it was pleasant and we will probably meet soon for dual pedicures.

My family is tolerable in really tiny doses, that's what I've realised.