Theme tweaks

Sorry I am still trying to get it right. This theme is definitely on the right side of the look I want to achieve, just not sure if I will keep it. At least the words seem to be displaying properly and not overly spaced which was annoying me to no end.

It has a splash of colour. The tagline is clear and easy to read. I'm not especially keen on the grey but the image and green seem to pop. It seems to display fine on the mobile too.

To me it's is clean without being clinical.

I just don't know :/

I also just updated my Wattpad book cover from a shapely headless woman to a couple in a silhoutte and managed to add the book name. I couldn't do anything fancy, the canva tool was too complicated and I couldn't even save the new image. I know it's still simple but now at least it has a little style and fits with the title.

I had another crack at it and managed to tweak it so now both books have covers. I just have to finish them now.

I have now written twenty seven chapters and can't see it going past forty. I changed all the chapter titles to something less provocative because even though I have marked it as mature to cover myself as there is a little violence and some non graphic intimate moments. It was never intended to be a smutty book, just a romantic adventure with more than one male lead.

I hate the word diet

I think about food constantly, hence why I've written about this topic in several posts. Unfortunately diets will always be judged by people around you. 

 

Sad but true. Unless you are overweight you have no idea what goes on in a dieters mind. 

 

I ended up being so self conscious about eating even regular portion sizes that I stopped eating in front of people. I literally trained myself not to feel hunger when I wasn't alone.

All eyes were always on me anyway, watching what I selected, making snide little comments that were apparently said in jest..

 

Yea right, but the funny thing was those same people making cruel comments were the same ones annoyed that I wasn't munching with them.

It got critical. I started calorie counting and wouldn't eat anything over a hundred calories and from then started skipping meals and even days. 

 

There was another diet which talked about balance. If you overindulged on a Wednesday afternoon, then later on at dinner, you just ate a minimal meal.

I cut out all snacking and just had one or two meals a day but then found myself unable to maintain it so ended up gorging on a multipack. Just between you and me, I only ever stuck my fingers down my throat once.

 

I knew that I loved food to much to completely give it up and being a shortie, the weight just piles on everywhere more noticeably.

I hated purging and thankfully wised up and never did it again. I finally just realised that I needed a lifestyle overhaul not a pointless diet that I couldn't keep, filling me with guilt. 

 

I started making changes right there and then. Switched from white bread to wholemeal. From fizzy drinks to flavoured water. 

 

From hot sugary, biscuit dunking, delicious smelling coffee to water. I still miss coffee but I found myself just making it at times purely to dunk digestives or hobnobs into it.

I'm laughing as I remember the transition to plain ice water. I couldn't stand lukewarm but ice water went down smoothly. 

 

Whenever I visited my aunt, her face was so horrified in the morning. She got so mad at me for drinking water instead of coffee :D

I did briefly experiment with black coffee but I found that disgusting. Plain water was too bland for me but sugar free flavoured water is actually so refreshing. Huge fan of the Volvic selection.

The biggest thing for me was sugar. I have a huge sweet tooth and figured I couldn't indulge anymore but so that I don't ever binge anymore, I buy a single pack and just absolutely savour and enjoy it with minimal guilt.

Now I look at a lot of vegetarian, vegan and fish options to fill my meals. I also look at the healthier options of foods and find most of them if you shop around and try different brands aren't compromising on taste.

I'm never giving up chicken, it's too damn tasty but eating less meat was easy. I try to listen to my body now and for the most part just eat when I am really hungry. 

The other thing that was critical was how I saw myself in the mirror. Curvy or slender I started to find areas I liked so no matter how my weight fluctuated I could always focus on those areas.

Find a way to treat yourself that doesn't involve food. For me it was beauty treatments. Pedicures/manicures/facials/scalp massages. Makeup and clothes. 

 

It really boosted my confidence and made me feel better about myself which was key because when I was younger and slimmer, I still had zero confidence. Now that I'm bigger I have more self worth because I worked on my body and mind.

Don't get me wrong, there are still days when I feel self conscious but the kinder I am to myself and the more effort I make to choose smart healthy choices is the better I cope.

Twitter experiment

It has officially begun. I linked this blog to a new Twitter account I just created. My face was purple the whole time. My new handle is @SleeplessScrib1. I'm actually surprised I got the name, there seems to be a few people that have that name compared to when I used an auto generator to find a new blog name.

It's really strange, like starting over, even though I've been blogging and tweeting for years. I hope I don't get the accounts muddled but I put one on Firefox and the other on Microsoft Edge so I should be ok :o

I'm just looking for an funny image to put on my profile picture. I wonder if I'll have the courage to link to my Wattpad story. One step at a time. I opted to forgo the humour and went with a sentimental image instead.

PTSD (fiction)

I pour water into all the diffusers scattered around the house. The colours intermittently form a soft glow, red, orange, blue, purple, green, white and so forth every few minutes. 

I know we both love citrus so I put orange and lemon in the diffusers and the whole place smells so fresh, summery and uplifting.

Close your eyes for a minute and breathe in the scent. It breaks my heart to see you in this much pain but I'm here to take care of you. 

I know about the insomnia, the nightmares, the panic attacks and the pain. When I stayed over last night I heard you pacing back and forth. I also heard the screams and the tears.

Is it always like this? Why didn't you say something? I thought it had passed. It happened so long ago but judging by your face, it seems more like it happened recently.

Did you talk to anyone about it? I know it's difficult and you don't want to face it but it's a big part of your life. It affects you and there is no use pretending it doesn't. 

I wish that you could forget it as well but it doesn't happen like that. You can't instantly wish away the magnitude of it all.

I pour you a steaming hot cup of cocoa and watch transfixed as you stir it slowly letting the liquid swirl as the powder disintegrates. I know you're avoiding looking at me. 

You still see yourself as this superhuman but you don't have to bear the brunt of it alone, you can ask for help anytime without being judged or appearing anything less than the sweet able person you are.

I know you struggle with asking, that somehow you think it's your responsibility to deal with it alone but you can still be supported and I can lend an ear whenever you need it.

I watch as you lean back on the sofa and take a deep breath. The wrapper crinkles as I open the box of chocolates and rustles as I slide the paper aside to offer you the first selection from the delicious crunchy nutty selection of premium milk chocolate minis. 

From smooth sticky caramels to chewy nougats to soft truffles. These are what you deserve. I see a hint of a smile playing on your lips as you nod in gratitude and select a soft textured praline. 

Now that you're a little more comfortable I proceed to coax you carefully. I cover your hand in mine and squeeze it ever so gently.

What part of your body is hurting at the moment? Your hands huh? Oops. Have you been using your heating pack? Why not? 

I remember you said it helped. You lost the sleeve? You can still use it, just lay flat and place it on the affected area.

Tell me about the nightmares. Quit stalling. I nod. I think that's normal in these sort of circumstances. 

You're being chased and just as you're about to be caught, you wake up or sometimes, people around you are being hurt but you're helpless and unable to help. 

I understand these dreams are born out of stress? Afterwards you feel unsafe and afraid and can't face going back to sleep so you lay awake and listen to music, play games or watch movies.

Keep telling yourself that you are safe and not in any danger and that the doors are locked and noone is hiding in the shadows out to get you. 

I can see tears forming on the edges of your eyelashes and I get up to bring another treat. I ask you to lean forward and I bring out a cushion massager on full heat and slide it behind your back.

It whirs and rotates soothing your back instantly. I also place the cold pack on your hands contrasting with the heat.

You finally look at me and I know that you're too choked up to speak but I know that you're starting to feel better. 

You lean your head on my shoulder and I put my arm around you and tell you that you don't need to speak for a while. Let's take a break.

I reach for my phone, scroll through my playlists and play the asmr beach sounds. Crashing waves, footsteps walking in the sand and a bucket and spade building sandcastles. 

We stay motionless for twenty minutes before I continue. What about these panic attacks? They are not solely from the nightmares? 

I didn't think so. Certain sounds, sights and thoughts bring it on? You're immobilised by fear? Can't move? Can't see? Can't breathe? That must be terrifying. I'm so sorry.

Try and take a deep breath if you can, listen to soft music and repeat the same messages over and over until you can open your eyes again. 

I'm going to be alright. I'm going to get through this. It will pass. I can deal with it.

You're not crazy or being melodramatic. What you went through was horrendous. It almost destroyed you but it didn't. 

Remember that it's natural to still be emotional and haunted. Life will never be the same but you can adapt and move forwards as best as you can.

When all else fails just remember, you have a kickass strength of character, an unwavering moxie and a killer sense of humour. 

That's why you're dearly loved, now quit hogging the choccies..Mmmm

Cheer up

How I hated hearing that growing up. I'm not like you. I never plastered on a fake smile when I was feeling like hell or even if I wasn't. 

I'm not a smiley person, sure I can joke around but I don't walk around always grinning like an idiot and for that reason people always took it upon themselves to try and cheer me up.

Alright sometimes I was down but other times I just felt like a regular person but without the need to make you feel better because you were "happy." 

Consider for a moment that we are all not the same, we deal with things differently. How do you know I'm not dealing with something serious? You don't so knock it off.

Like I am really going to snap out of it because you said cheer up. Oh yea that did it, now I'm all tingly with joy. 

No it doesn't work like that. Just because you go around smiling and appearing as though you're in a good mood 24-7 that doesn't mean that I should.

I stopped concealing my feelings. I stopped feeling the need to please you and be like you. 

I would rather be real. To feel all this hurt and rage and despair and know that there is very little I can do about it. 

What is wrong in being in touch with your feelings?

It is perfectly acceptable when someone asks you if you are ok, to say...No I'm not but I'll get there. 

I think the reason people had such a high opinion of you and wanted to emulate you was because you exuded confidence and acted as though nothing fazed you. 

Hell even I thought that was true until the cracks started appearing.

You reeked of insecurity, just like I did but you hid it so well. You didn't like your face or your weight and assumed all compliments were insults in disguise. 

I started to really see you. The way you mocked me and pointed out my flaws was a deflection from your own crisis.

I know it's bad to admit it but I took pleasure in it. That you weren't perfect after all, that you were actually unsure of yourself. 

I just couldn't be the only one feeling self conscious. You never actually came out and admitted it but someone outed you, although I had already started to notice myself.

Maybe just maybe instead of making me feel worse that I wasn't a perfect doll, you should have confided in me that you were sensitive too.

Do family ever learn? 

Before you try to improve someones mood, ask yourself, who are you doing it for? Them or you? 

Let them feel it. Allow them to be moody. When I was left to get in touch with my emotions I felt so much better than being pressured to be happy.

I understand that you want to check up on a person but don't influence their mood. 

It's a process that I have to go through, sometimes I don't even know why I feel sad but as time goes on I can pinpoint it to hormones or something else but I need the time to work it out. 

Have a little patience and trust that I can figure it out. Don't enforce a time limit. It isn't helpful. I will get through it when I am supposed too! 

Greying

For the last couple of years I have seen grey hairs sprouting up randomly on my scalp. Not clustered together just the odd one here and there. When I was younger I figured I would use a natural henna dye to cover them up but now that they are actually here I am rethinking it.

Before I used a non chemical henna shampoo that naturally tinted my hair and left it in the most wonderful conditioned state. There was never any need for the conditioner becase the shampoo was that good solo. They had black, brown and purple and I always experimented with the purple because I loved it. Nobody else did but I thought it was so different so I was happy.

I'm not even sure if it would have blended out the grey hairs. I was snipping them off with scissors but now I've left the stragglers else I feel like I will have no hair left. I don't feel as self conscious as I did because we all age even if it is prematurely. Unfortunately I can't remember the brand of shampoo that it was and other substitutes have not faired well, unless they changed the formula drastically and it stopped tinting.

I went back to the retailer I originally bought it from and he said they were out of stock but getting some, however the price was.........different. I used to pay a pound for a huge 250ml/300ml bottle which lasted me a good month or just under because I didn't need much. When I enquired about the price hike he said it was now £13 I said you can keep it.

How the hell do you go from a reasonable price to extortionate? I could have understood if it had changed to maybe £4/£5 and I would have still complained but probably would have bought it every couple of months because my hair needs the hydration plus the colour boost but there is no way I am paying that much for something cosmetic that may or may not even work.

The state of my hair has gone from thick to thin with patches of scarcity all from heat and chemicals so I am reluctant to damage it any further. I will keep looking but it is of low importance to me at the moment.

At least the last of my hair accessories arrived and now I have a wide hairband that I can clip in place to cover up the thinness.

I feel human again

I plucked my brows and gave them back a neater shape. Washed my hair, liberally spritzed on Delia Cameleo Leave in conditioner (doesn't leave my hair weighed down or greasy, eradicates frizz, leaves hair soft) but I wouldn't mind something more conditioning but so far it is the best hair product I have found for my thin, greasy/dry, straight/wavy, refuses to pick a style hair :D

I left the curlers in for twenty minutes as a dry run for when I wash and go and have no time and actually the result was better than I thought. Old fashiony soft waves. Not curls as such but beautiful waves and a good amount of volume for no heat.

The only problem was in trying to keep my hair healthy. I cut the front wisps too short and now I have an unnatural fringe :D At least it's more presentable than having wild hair. I have just used clips at the side and I'm going to have to pin the majority of the fringe away from my face.

All in all I'm happy with my short wavy style. I have had long straight hair with no style for years. I just tied it up in a ponytail to stop the wind blowing it in my face and smearing my makeup but from the time it stopped growing healthily I knew it was time to have a drastic shoulder length cut. I'm no hairdresser but finally I have a presentable look that I don't have to hide away.

The only thing left to work on now is my body. I have been exercising sporadically but now I want to do it regularly. I am missing the dancing aerobics but it's just too painful to be upright and exerting myself so I will continue laying flat and working on different areas of my body because in that position it seems to put less strain on the problem areas versus standing which leads to stiffness and a fair amount of pain.

My goal is to wear a maxi dress without looking frumpy. I would love a flatter tummy, slimmer hips, slender thighs and smaller arms. I want to find that feminine minx that I used to be, not to attract a man, not to get attention but just for me to look and feel healthier.

Makeover theme

I think I'm ready for a change. I did like my cute purpley notebook theme but I want something a little smarter. Plus the *About Me* section being empty cannot look good.

I'm already scouring the internet for inspiration but so far nothing appeals. I don't want a clinical look. I still want it to be cosy and welcoming but less amateurish. I think I have found my writing groove so I am happy with my content and I'm not looking for fame or fortune, just a little recognition.

No matter how good my intentions I am never going to be a regular poster. I can only write when I feel emotional, otherwise I'm occupied with other things but I am dedicating more time to my writing so I should be posting semi regularly anyway.

It lifts my mood and makes me feel productive when other areas of my life stress me out. I wish I remembered what site I used for the other theme because I remember liking quite a few of what they had on display.

I toyed with the idea of some dark themes, black and white possibly to fit the mood but actually I prefer going the other direction. An array of colours which I hope would draw any potential readers in. I'm not sure if I will keep the layout the same way either. I'm really not technical so whatever is easier I will follow through with that.

Music transforms me

I'm not sure what has gotten into me lately but I feel so up and down. On the plus side I'm so inspired to write blogs and have a newfound vigor for my book but on the bad side. 

These emotional blogs are making me cry myself into dehydration.

Youtube is keeping me company though with the sad and happy playlists and finally I can download songs to my memory card so the DJ in me can jam when I can't sleep or when I finally venture out.

Family birthdays are here and as usual I don't feel like celebrating but I am trying to think of something I can do for my mother. 

I'll probably be going to visit her at the end of the month or in August, it hasn't been decided yet.

I feel different. I chopped my hair even more and got some accessories I'm excited to experiment with. 

I always alternate between straight and curly but I'm trying to embrace the slight waves I have. 

I bought big spongy curlers as the velcro type pulls my hair out and some clips. 

I just need a headband and some bobbles to keep it out my face.

I feel trendy, even my nails are long and beautiful, although I can't maintain the length I will chop them short after my birthday. 

I gave myself a pedicure too. I wasn't really doing many beauty treatments. There didn't seem any point but now I feel more ladylike..

Before I let you go..

I couldn't say it before. Couldn't even think it but it is finally time to say goodbye. Years have passed but I held it in, pseudo grieved. 

I didn't cry at your funeral, didn't cry after. A whole year had to pass by before I felt any sort of loss which made me feel so screwed up and guilty. 

Why wasn't I crying? When they did come, it was all at the worst possible undignified places. At a course, at the optician, all in public to a bewildered audience who were stunned into statues, waiting for it to pass.

We had a bittersweet bond. When you were nice you were so animated and jovial. Lit up any room you walked into but when you were cruel, you were devastating and left a wake of destruction. Sowed seeds that crippled my psyche.

Were you trying to be a bigshot? Were you trying to be cruel? Were you heartless? Or did you assume it was all to motivate me into being acceptable in your eyes? 

I never really confronted you until the end. My friends laughed and dismissed it when I said I would cut you out of my life if you didn't apologise and start showing me some respect but I meant it.

Do you know how sick and tired I was of being everyone's verbal punching bag? Why couldn't you be more like....? Why don't you....like they do? 

See, just between me and you.......those people you so admired? Were utter wrecks. They didn't love themselves, didn't even respect what they saw in the mirror but I did. 

I may not have turned out the way you wanted but at least I didn't make anyone feel unworthy of love/respect.

Those people you were insulting me in front of.........I wonder what they would have thought of you if they knew you were afraid of your own children. 

That they threatened and intimidated you and instead of turfing them on the street you let them stay and torture us all to death.

You know what I wanted from you? I wanted you to be proud and accept me as I was. A gentle soul who just wanted to grow and learn. 

I was afraid to talk, afraid to fail, afraid to be myself because I was never good enough for you and ultimately me.

While the other two were high on drugs, running up bills using your credit cards, having wild parties and threatening violence. I was giving you all my money for rent, leaving no money to socialise. 

I was taking care of you. I was starving because there was no money left for me to buy my own food, just yours. No breakfast, no lunch, just dinner if I was lucky. 

I was the responsible caring one but did you appreciate it or show me any gratitude?

No because I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. I somehow became the untrustworthy one. 

The one who couldn't win no matter how hard I tried and the one you blamed for their actions.

We may be related and I did have to love you but honestly. The real truth is.......I didn't like you a lot of the time. I prefer to think of you when I was a child and you were someone I admired.

I get it, I know you were too afraid to confront them, so you thought, hey I know.....Why don't we pick on the person who has no guard. 

She can continue to take all our criticism and our frustrations and our anger because she is nothing. In fact, the harder she tries to gain our love and respect is the more we will just be disappointed and show indifference.

By the time you wised up, realised you needed me that maybe the people badmouthing me had their own agenda and shouldn't be believed, well irrevocable damage had set in.

I didn't turn my back on you but neither did I want to be around you.

I wasn't the thief you accused me of being. I wasn't stupid or ugly. I wasn't out of mind on drugs or alcohol. I just wanted a tiny bit of sunshine in my life. 

I ran your errands, cooked and kept you company and I was crippled in pain throughout it all.

Did you know that nearly all the boyfriends I had cheated on me and were quick to point out that I was mediocre? Did you also know that for the first time in my life I briefly dated a married man?

It went against all my principles but I hated myself and my life so much that even he was better than nobody. I wasn't in love. I'm not even sure I was in-like but I was lonely, empty and someone was finally saying nice things to me.

I just wanted someone decent to be there to talk to. He didn't make me feel like I didn't have any value in this world. Imagine a total stranger being more accepting than my own parents..

I guess the point of this is to say, you weren't without flaws either. Nobody is perfect so I'm not sure why I was expected to be?

I still find it hard to talk and let people in. Do you know the real reason I didn't want kids? I was afraid they would turn out like my brothers. 

Evil monsters with no conscience who hurt for the sake of hurting and felt no remorse and couldn't see the importance of self reflection.

I don't want to get married. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to date. All I want is peace. The sound of silence. No more criticisms. 

Like I said, the damage is done. I can't form healthy relationships. I don't trust anyone. I can't be vulnerable.

I'll just leave you with this final thought. Imagine being so full of self delusions that you didn't realise your own daughter would rather escape this world before she has reached adulthood than be around her own family. 

Over and over until I accepted my fate to be trapped in a living nightmare.

I don't know about you but I feel much better.

Bye Bye.

Crazy self therapy

Hello. Welcome. Get cosy and brace yourself because this is going to be dark and deep. Help yourself to cookies, tissues and cushions.

How are you?

At the moment I feel sad.

Why?

My hormones are raging. I'm listening to sad songs and I'm reliving a lot of painful memories and realising that I never got to express how I was coping or not coping during those low points.

Why didn't you?

I think my parents themselves weren't in touch with their own emotions. I was always taught to be respectful and turn the other cheek, even though I myself was not afforded the very same curtesy. 

How did that make you feel?

Frustrated, angry, resentful and incapable of any expression.

What happened?

My emotions swirled together and merged to form darkness and depression.

And then?

I found myself withdrawing from people around me. Unable to healthily express what I felt inside. I was always angry and full of sorrow with no outlet and the few people that coaxed me into opening up..

Rejected me. They neither made the time or effort to follow up or understand my pain.

What did you do next?

I was drowning in a sea of emotions and couldn't take it anymore. The final straw was when my brother barged into my room demanding the phone. My mum had told me to hide it in my room. 

He was high on drugs and threatened me if I didn't give it to him. I'm the older sister and yet I was so damn weak. 

I'm taunted by the shame of complying to his wishes and not standing up for myself as his tone changed dangerously and his manner was increasingly psychotic. 

I gave in pretty quickly, handed the phone over, closed my door. Barricaded the bed against the door, cried all night and made the decision to end my nightmare of a life.

Did anyone realise?

No. I didn't leave any trace. I was holed up in my room. Craving an escape and to be invisible. It didn't take and I felt even more pathetic that I couldn't even do that right. Failed once again.

Go on..

In the morning my mother called and the derision in my brothers voice made me feel even lower and more afraid. I didn't want to open the door but my mum insisted she speak to me and could hear in my tone which I tried to mask that I was not ok. 

I wish she/they had kicked them both out but instead when the police raided our home, she stalled and let him flush the drugs away. Covered and protected him, when I needed protection.

Why couldn't I have been liked enough to be shielded against the verbal abuse I faced every day? Being told that I was stupid, fat and to shut up. 

If only the verbal abuse was limited to my siblings, but my parents, cousins and friends hopped on the bandwagon too.

How did the healing begin?

The turning point in my life started from a course I took about counselling. I was always the listener and never the talker so I figured this would suit me.

Although I never wanted to see a therapist myself because it would entail going at their pace, breaking me down and rebuilding me. 

The issue is if I ever broke down fully. I would never recover. I was on a precious tightrope as it was. Barely surviving each day.

At first I stayed quiet and observed everyone else. It was a small friendly group, all supportive and nurturing and it eventually gave me the courage to participate. 

I was again expecting a backlash or indifference but instead I was welcomed and supported. Even prodded to give more of myself.

How did that make you feel?

For the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe. I started to learn about the tools in self expression and how to utilize them in my life.

What was the first thing you did?

Positive affirmations became a part of my daily routine. I rolled my eyes. Refused to do it in front of a mirror. Became very sceptical but my brain started turning negativity into positive thoughts.

I started to tackle my issues one by one and forgave myself when I couldn't manage it at that time. In a short time frame it became second nature and I wasn't merely just saying it. I believed it.

I began to like and accept myself.

What was the result?

I cut out all the toxic people in my life that I could and aside from my family began standing up for myself and realising that I didn't have to resort to anger, revenge or bitterness. I could simply distance myself and walk away.

Anything else?

Part of me wishes I had the courage to confront the family members who tortured my fragile ego. 

Why didn't you?

Fear and I finally realised that nothing they could say could justify the bullying and verbal abuse I suffered through. A few of them had matured and grown.

The rest I suspected would never acknowledge their part in my brokenness. I knew that I had to heal myself and work on being vocal, trusting people and being kind to myself.

Thanks for sharing all that with me. You have grown up a lot from the frightened girl you used to be. Keep expressing yourself and forgive yourself for what you perceive as weakness. 

You battled and survived it and that is something to be proud of. The pain you face isn't going anywhere so work to understand it. If you ever need to talk, my door is always open. 

Take care.