#BlogLife153 - Who else has an aversion to being photographed?

When I compare the difference between when I was pre teen and now, the difference is significant. I used to make silly poses and want to be in the spotlight.

The centre of attention, well not the centre, somewhere upfront and clearly seen. I had a silly wig, probably won at a carnival and these bright red shoes that were probably gawdy to most..

But they conveyed a unique splash of colour so I adored them. However when I turned into a teenager and the weight piled on a bit, I felt so self conscious.

Suddenly having my picture taken and then looking at it, wasn't so appealing. I looked larger than life. I didn't feel cute or attractive, I felt like an oddball.

This excessively chubby girl who stood out and couldn't control the sweet tooth and the hatred of sports. I think I always had a zany dress sense.

I looked around at the mainstream sensible attire and thought.....Nope I want something different, something that not everyone is wearing.

I'm not sure when I turned that into a negative quality but staring at these ill-fitting mirrored images was just too much. Every time someone wanted to take my photo, I covered my face.

The response was a disgusted grunt and an insistence, a few times I got away with it and other times, my face just froze in front of the camera.

If I smiled it looked unnatural, if I didn't, I appeared moody and depressed. There was no good pose or way to beat the unpleasantness.

The final straw was when family friends came over and my mama, insisted I hand over my photo album, this bright green heavy book filled with cringey pictures.

I don't recall how many times I said No but it was pointless, I should have been able to laugh it off but I was too used to being humiliated and this was it, in ten fold.

I couldn't stay in the room. I wanted to be okay with it but I wasn't. I heard the laughter and my face burned red. I know it wasn't malicious but it hurt nonetheless.

It was similar to a hideous nickname that I was given by family/cousins and they knew I despised it but insisted on using it.

Everyone else had these sweet, adorable names and I had this one that implied..... Ugly monster duckling!!

When I finally snapped and had enough of the mockery. I insisted everyone use my name only and the nickname died right there and then, to my relief.

I ripped all the unflattering pictures out of my album and felt sadness and relief. It was as though I was disowning the carefree me, who had no insecurities and replacing her with the bitter me....

Who was nothing but a crisis messy bunch of self loathing. I even hated my baby photos.. But the one time that I actually looked good...

I wasn't even trying. The picture didn't even look like me. I had to get photo identification for College and the guy taking it, said smile.

I laughed and said no way, I look awful, just take it and I will resign myself to looking bad. He gave up but then said hmm, you'll be pleasantly surprised how good you look...

I scoffed yeah right, has never happened before. I picked it up and my mouth fell open. Damn I did look good, great even. It was a black and white image only and I was grinning but it looked natural.

I didn't feel like a cheesy chesire cat posing scarily. It was as though I was having a blast and the moment was captured forever.

I showed people and I was unrecognisable which stung. I finally looked delightful and noone saw the comparison...

I still loved it though. Then I reclaimed my unique style and made it work for me. I try to take my photo and like it but I can't, showing anybody my image just makes too uncomfortable.

It doesn't matter if I look alright, I still feel like that messy freak, who refused to conform, that wasn't skinny, beautiful and a clone of everyone else.

I can accept I am cute and have a certain basic beauty now though. It took me a long time but I see it in myself. It disappears in front of a camera but I see it in the mirror at times..

That is enough for me. I don't care if it's not acceptable to anyone else. I truly don't.