#BlogLife186 - Doctored Jekyll and Mr Hyde *strong language*

Well surprisingly Christmas frivolities went off without a hitch, no drama, no tears, no frustrations, just some pregnant pauses and a lot of lengthy small talk.

What did annoy me as per usual is how ingratiated they are into mama's world with her friends and family.

Regarding her friends there is monetary value in being "helpful" but with family, there is just ego and keeping up with narcissism.

I don't know if I am waiting for them to open their eyes and see the evil that lurks, the fakery but I've realised I am now fully known as the black sheep, the outcast, the unmentionable because I'm not one of "them."

As in.. I don't kiss ass and am sick of just being polite to fuckwits.

As unacceptable as I am to all of them, I am okay with myself. I'm not spending money I don't have. I don't feel guilt on my shoulders that has to be expunged with good deeds to feel clean.

I don't want to repair these toxic relationships, to twist myself to please them. To swallow the insults or put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine, when it clearly isn't.

I want to be real and honest and say let's lay our cards on the table.

You don't like me and you were forced to be civil because we are family but obligations only stretch so far.

This is why I feel torn, I wonder if had I made more of an effort, would they have taken me in and made me a fellow sheep?

Then I realise, they had since childhood to do it and never did, less frosty, less bitchy, but no more welcoming.

With how I was treated, you'd think I had committed a crime or was rude but nope I just got tired of being treated badly and refused to smile and serve myself up for more.

Anyway mama got talking about how relationships between daughters and mama's are sometimes broken and I thought, if you knew how I felt....

I'm still not sure you could reasonably hear me out and not make me feel guilty or wrong for just saying.....

Here is what is in my mind and has been since childhood. There is disfunction and anger and hurt that I cannot express myself because you just don't let me unburden and I don't feel I can approach you.

You would just feel attacked instead of saying, "let it out. I'm here to support you, no matter what."

I am forced to listen to her sing the praises of siblings and family who treat me with disgust and hatred and violence.

I hate her for that. I am not intolerable. I am a delightfully slow burning bright spark.

Fuck all that disagree because being around her reminds me that I am not wanted.

She has rewritten past history and made them out to be saints. I don't know if it's her religion making her do this or being a parent or just plain denial.

I don't want her to hate them as I do and am glad she has a good relationship with the both of them but I resent being the unreasonable one.

"They have forgiven you for not speaking to them, why can't you forgive them???"

FORGIVEN ME FOR WHAT??? 

I have not done a fucking thing to them, except defend myself!

She keeps going on about how good they are to me, so yesterday I said in a normal but disgusted voice.

Pfft as if they are so great, they are getting immense kickbacks. She didn't have anything to say to that, thank goodness because I would have really lost it.

It's the unsaid words that drive me crazy. I strongly suspect she thinks I am being petty for the sake of it and what kills me is she thinks this but doesn't say it.

"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE THEM?"

The depressing thing is, if I were an alcoholic, junkie or religious girl, I would be more likeable to all of them.

But I am not. I've never done drugs, I don't drink alcohol and I don't steal or borrow money.

Doing a so-called small good deed, doesn't erase your past. An asshole is still an asshole!!

She told me today I purchase rubbish gifts but she ties my hands with comments saying she doesn't want this or that and I expressed that to her.

I no longer feel bad because hey I always do try my best. She finally let slip that the reason the new place is costing her more than this, that they all encouraged her to buy.... Is she didn't read the fine print for the costs....

I just don't know what to say to that, the idiots encourage her to do something but never seem to have her welfare in mind, maybe because they are hopeless with money, it didn't occur to them to make her find out about the financial obligations.

I guess the one good thing is, now they can't "borrow/steal" money because she doesn't have anything spare anymore.

If it were me, costs were the first thing I would have focused on but my voice is unimportant so......blah blah blah.

It seems to be the exact same pattern of late. I arrive with confidence and am somewhat joyful and every time I leave here, I feel depressed and I end up hating myself.

I'm leaving tomorrow and may go awol. I'm not sure. I think my phone will be off and I'll once again have to reinforce my belief in myself and rebuild my shattered self esteem which is completely gone now!

Goodbye poisonous family! You should have been the ones to regard me affectionately and give me your approval which I sought so badly but you never fucking did!!