#BlogLife200 - Can I call you....NO!

In my new frozen state that Santa Claus is jealous about....He thought the North Pole was the coldest of all.....

But then I explain how I go to bed shivering, wake up shaking. Wash my hands/face with ice water and then feel like I am snowdevil.... (There are no angels here)!!

Even the trusted heated blankie has slowed down it's warmth. My hands and feet are icicles.

How long does frostbite take to set in? Nevermind, one more day to get through before the insanity takes over my brain completely and the Men in White Coats come knocking...

I finished catching up on Call Me Kat, the American version of Miranda and it's good as a stand alone but the British version is always going to be more relatable and a favourite.

One episode where she is reuniting with old school chums and they insist on calling her an unflattering name that is demeaning triggered me.

I really can't recall the origin of this hideous nickname (no I'm not going to share it because I've buried it in hell) but it just surfaced when I was young and didn't disappear until I was in my late teens.

No pleading not to refer me as that and use my birth name were accepted. My immediate family used it, routinely as a habit of some sort, not really maliciously.

However my cousins feasted upon it. To me it was a giant neon symbol of how I didn't belong in their clique.

They harped on it with glee, insisting it was a term of affection, except their ones were all cute and sweet and mine sounded like an animal screeching!

There was true malice there. I don't know where it came from and I wasn't really mean back. I was more quiet and sullen.

I guess I wonder why you would taunt someone knowing that it hurts them and makes them feel bad and insecure?

What do you get out of feeling superior because we both know you're not?

Pretty on the outside but if you are abusing others, your insides become ugly and it transforms the whole essence of you into someone blockable/unpleasant!

I just used to compare my sets of cousins altogether. Some were genuinely confident and kind and others were arrogant and cruel but hollow.

One in particular was outwardly hostile and I appreciated that because at least he was showing his disdain freely, his sisters covered theirs with fakery and pretend friendships.

You know you're an outcast, when you're left out all of the fun outings.

I can't even remember if it bugged me. I was just used to not being involved.

The outings I do think about was one at a local park where all the cousins had gathered at my house so no chance of exclusion there..

This boy was on a ridiculously high slide and fell and I just remember people screaming and his ear was bleeding.

Next minute, we were just ushered out by the older cousins pronto. That still haunts me. "Don't look, don't look, just go."

The other one was at a cinema, my mama insisted I score an invite.

They were all slouched down in their seats and they looked weird and ridiculous. I was just sitting normally and they were giggling here and there.

I however was genuinely enjoying it and just cracking up, me in my own lil world.

Out of nowhere I hear "It isn't that funny." I think ffs, leave me the hell alone.

It was said with so much venom and disgust. As though in that sentence it conveyed their thoughts..

"We were forced to bring you here, believe me it wasn't our wish and we are watching this ironically so don't speak, act, laugh or do anything to embarrass us."

I felt so aware of myself, my weight, my height and the fact I tried not to laugh but gave up and enjoyed myself.

I guess these experiences put me on high alert for anyone that is trying to change me or put me down.

That is expecting me to be someone I'm not. I'll tell you who I am.....

Somebody that......

Likes crazily excessive phonecalls

Likes to kid around and occasionally poke fun at myself

Likes to talk about food

Likes to be creative and write blogs/fiction/spoofs

Likes to watch comedies, animation, action, romcoms and thriller films/tv series.

Likes to tell stories

Likes to have dreamless sleeps

Likes to pamper myself or get pampered

Likes to shop for clothes that aren't mainstream

Likes to give advice but only if it's taken :D

Likes to game competitively and win

Likes to dance and pretend I'm my own DJ (SleepsNotALot)

Likes music and asmr that flows with each mood

Likes playing pool with non competitive males that don't ruin it

Likes sampling makeup looks as it makes me feel cuter than I am :D