#BlogLifeLife187 - Bugged out *strong language*

Afternoony, how are you all doing? I hope you got a great Christmas haul and are still enjoying your gifts for those who celebrated the season.

Don't get used to the weekend posts, I only published yesterday because I needed to clear my head and get it out of my system.

On Saturday night I slept alright and woke up at 9amish and figured I might as well get up and finish packing. 

I had to leave around 1pmish just in case the grocery order arrived prematurely.

Cab companies are so greedy that they take bookings even when no cars are available.

I found it so difficult to even do a food order because when I'm depressed I don't feel hungry at all and I didn't remember what I had at home.

I just ordered some basic meals and mostly snack stuff like cereals and crackers.

For breakfast I had leftovers because I knew even though I told her that my hands break painfully when carrying excess things, she would insist I take it.

I wasn't even hungry but to avoid lifting the bags which are already heavy I just ate something. The only thing I packed was some lemon drizzle cake and that was it.

I already felt dizzy and queasy. I went downstairs around 1.20pm and was just standing there, until the idiot driver arrived 20 minutes later, at 1.40pm instead of 1.30pm.

Sometimes they arrive early and with 4 bags, I might as well just wait downstairs, instead of rushing.

This twit is sitting down as per usual so I'm struggling with all these bags and every time I open the passenger door, my bags slam it shut.

My mama comes down shouting at the guy for being late. Then the clown decides to get up off his arse and open the car boot, doesn't ask if maybe he could take a bag from me.....

No no no, so I am trying to shuffle forward painfully with these bags. He decides I'm not moving fast enough and what does the bastard do?

Says......Ahh okay, you just sit them at the back with you. He shuts the car boot and walks calmly back to his seat.

What an asshole!!! My mama does offer a hand but I'm just irritated at this point so I just dismiss her and say I got it.

Eventually manage to get the door open, dump the bags in and sit down.

The fuckwit has the cheek to ask if I'm okay? I roll my eyes and say yep, just chronic pain. I slide my headphones on and close my eyes.

I'm listening to music and trying to break away the tension in my mind.

We arrive and I just literally throw my bags on the floor and climb out. I'm tired, my hands are killing me and I feel I want to vomit.

I wanted to nap but if I did, I wouldn't hear the buzzer when the shopping arrives.

I just lounge on my bed, skip lunch and have a drink, hoping that will settle my tummy.

Then when the food does arrive, I unpack the heavy bags and go back to lounging. I figure I should eat, but can't stomach a full meal so I just have some crackers.

I didn't have an early night but I was so shattered that I think I fell asleep much faster than normal.

I didn't wake up until 12pm which is wonderful for me as usually it's just about 5 hours sleep.

I knew my body needed to rest as well as my mind so I feel no pain at the moment and slightly better.

I did have breakfast if you can call it that at lunchtime and I'm looking forward to yoghurt later with some crunchy, nutty, oaty muesli that I haven't eaten for maybe a year.

I think I just need to overall stop looking for approval from my family because one, I'm never going to get it and two, most of me has now stopped caring.

I need to make peace with how they justify criminals in a higher respected regard and me who has always tried to be a good person as beneath them and not worth their time, attention and thoughts.

I just need to live for myself and continue trying to conquer new challenges and be proud of myself for trying my best and attempting personal growth and dealing with health issues, the best way I know how.

It may not be pretty or uplifting but these methods work for me, as someone who struggles to share and feel good about myself.

You could try to be happy 24-7 and look on the bright side of things but then you're not being true to yourself.

Being ill means you have to take the good and the bad and it's fine to say, you know what?? I'm not at my best.

I'm in crippling pain and I don't feel like being positive because I'm feeling really sorry for myself and I don't want to hide the pain anymore.

That's actually brave and healthy. You might feel self conscious at first but it's just acknowledging your needs.

I normally text my mama to say I arrived home safe but yesterday I didn't because I'm still angry with her.

If I think about it, both my parents fucked my head up and chipped away at my self esteem all throughout my life.

I wish it was something I could grow out of but every time I am with family, the same shit happens.

It's like all my achievements go out the window. Every good feeling perishes.

I try to be tough and thick skinned and for a while it works and then eventually day in and day out. I just die inside.

It's not all bad, there are some light hearted moments but the bad is outweighing the good.

I think when someone isn't acknowledging someone's flaws.. I don't know, for me it's like saying they never did anything wrong at all and that just destroys me.

I think it's the fact that she gloats about the other two as though they are Kings and doesn't critique them but with me, she is quick to point out my mistakes and flaws continuously, over and over again.

Being verbally attacked was so hard to talk about in the first place and the fact that family was doing it, was shameful but now it's like their slate has been wiped clean and I'm supposed to forget being tortured?

Fearing for my life, each day???? Like it was nothing. They keep uttering how much marked improvement they have made and yet still have violent outbursts.

Still expect things to be perfect and how they wish them to be. One of them was staying with mama's friend who is elderly and is now forgetting a lot of things.

He doesn't offer any money to stay there, I'm guessing, although does offer to do chores. (Never for my mama) and because she was getting muddled and not doing certain things, he was aggressively shouting so loudly that she was in tears.

Even my mama said, do not shout, lower your voice but in the same breath she will say, she agrees with him.

This person has probably given him hundreds of pounds probably more like thousands) and let's him stay whenever he is local as mama doesn't have a spare room.

Granted, she can afford it and enjoys the company but still he can't keep his temper in check and expects to sleep in, when the hosts is an early riser??

You see it's that type of shit, that pisses me off. My mama doesn't see anything wrong with this behaviour. She was saying Ohh he can't even sleep in, when he's there.

He's a fucking guest! An ungrateful shit at that! He should be at a hotel paying heavy fees. The bastard doesn't even pay back his own mama with the kickbacks he receives.

He owes her maybe a grand that he's stolen by selling her computers, using her credit cards, buying and shifting various items, over the years..

And yet he and the other one are saints, that are just darlingly perfect in everybody's eyes.

Do you get how much that pisses me off? Because I see the evil that is there. I see the people behind the masks.

I don't get how she doesn't see it!!! Yet I should be like them???!!!

Hah!!! No thanks, I would rather treat people with respect and not take advantage, sorry but that's just me, I have my own morals to live by so I can look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed!

***Two last things I forgot to add***

Happy New Year to my wonderful readers. My brain is overloaded at the moment so trying to think clearly is an uphill battle.

Secondly I try not to get involved but even with headphones, I can gather word for word the entire conversation.

I pointed out in a mild tone to stop mentioning a certain action which her friend for some reason doesn't want to do, even though it would benefit her.

It ends up frustrating both of them and then I said avoid the other thing, which you don't like but she does.

It's obvious. Mama agrees and says that sounds plausible and better.

I figure now I don't get to hear about it and what happens the next time she talks to her friend?

She harps on about the sameeeeee thing. Ugh, like talking to a brick wall. No fun at all.

You're right, I don't know why I bother either. *shrugs*