#BlogLife815 - I can't say, I can't explain, I don't like myself

I'm going to be petty and add this last bit from Yesterday's post as I want to get all the negativity out.

I am worried about my physical and mental health now. The heated blankie helps me recover that much faster and I have the latest mystery pain at the moment.

My left shoulder is hurting from doing any sort of stretching with it.

And of course being able to write is also very beneficial. It means that I'm not drowning in emotions, I can share what's on my mind and deal with it.

In the past I have shut down completely and it hasn't turned out well.

I've now eaten some sandwiches and feel calmer. The chicken and rice didn't appeal at all. It was a dull flavour.

Anyway I think when I was preparing the food and able to think rationally..

I found myself pretty angry that I was feeling forced to apologise over and over to her, that she couldn't hear me.

I even said Good morning, having checked the time and she laughed at my respectful politeness and repeated it.

That is the way I was raised to be courteous to others and she's continually being nasty or sarcastic and I have to put up with it!!!

I feel crummy and let down with myself because I can't confront her and be equally rude as she holds all the cards.

I guess I'm feeling like a doormat and not proud of myself that I'm unable to say, I'm a human being with feelings, could you readjust your attitude as it is horrendous and you should be ashamed of yourself!

It just reminds me of other times with friends, family, acquaintances that mistreated me and for various reasons like fear, I stayed silent and took it.

Or I couldn't form an articulate response back and was worried about sounding pathetic and not justified and clever.

But again, it helps to explain and share these frustrations with you so Thank you for reading, listening and understanding or at least trying to meet me halfway, even if you don't quite get where I'm coming from.

I appreciate it all the same.

Sometimes I feel heaps better, my appetite comes and goes but I'm still feeling drained.

I did a grocery shop for tomorrow though. I'm going to do some homemade style burgers with various fillings.

And for some strange reason I decided to try out Nando's garlic perinaise sauce.

It's £3.50 a 465g bottle, I always like the garlic and herb sauces. I like mayonnaise so maybe a combination will be tasty.

I hope it's not too spicy but maybe the heat will flush out the remaining cold?

I do like sriracha but the one I tasted before was really mild. I'm also going to try the linguine but dump the prawns as I can't stand those.

And I'm happy that the huge Lil duck max kitchen towels are back in stock as well as the creamy chicken bakes, those were both really high quality, so I stocked up.

#BlogLife814 - Witch called, Suspension imminent!

Well it's been crazy so far and it's only lunchtime. I haven't had a moment to eat or drink, my voice is cracking and coming and going.

I was kinda sleeping off and on this morning and then the asmr stopped so I thought ok, the battery on the earbuds have died, it's probably time to get up.

I looked at the phone and saw an incoming call from Witchy, let's refer to her as.

Of course my voice is even more croakier, first thing and I'm trying to explain to her that I'm getting over the flu or whatever it is and she's saying no it's your phone reception.

I can barely hear you, call me back, you sound as though you're in a tunnel, it's not your flu. Which was exceptionally rude!

The latest report you sent is the same as the previous, it's not balance affecting, it's all transactions and it's not what I requested.

I don't want to suspend your account but I will if I don't get what I want!

Go back to the library and do another printout before 2 weeks are up!!

At this point half asleep, I'm not even sure what account she is referring to, Paypal? Universal Credit? Bank?

So I tried to explain that I took all the steps, tried to do it manually, have called Paypal directly and asked for the rolling balance statements but they keep giving me all transactions and I said I would try to do it again.

She scoffed at "try." As though I haven't already been jumping through hoops to get her the information, she supposedly needs.

Through illness, chronic pain, exhaustion, going to the library several times, waiting around trying to get help.

Forking out £33 plus £63 so nearly a hundred quid just to get the printouts and stamps and envelopes to give information that she's gotten over and over.

But somehow is dissatisfied with. I decided to get up properly and get dressed and call Paypal first.

Well actually I tried to do the report manually again and that didn't work and now it was only available from the 16th not the 1st January.

Anyway, that didn't work, invalid date range, once again. I called Paypal and once again explained I wanted the rolling balance, balance affecting report as DWP needs it.

She was furious when I said they've threatened to close my account.

She was like They can't do that! Nobody can! I said it's DWP, it's the Government, they can do what they like and I'm sick of stressing, I don't care anymore.

During all this, my voice is disappearing, I can barely talk, but she's nice in the fact that, she can still understand me and sympathises.

She said Look, this report is simple and is designed to be opened in excel spreadsheet to see the balance.

You've requested it a few times and it's going to be the same thing.

I told her, Thanks for your help but I'm killing myself going to the library back and forth as she won't accept a file.

The representative was like, well that's the best way to view it, you shouldn't have to go to the library.

Once again I said I'm just trying to cooperate with her and give everything she asks of me.

I can't do anymore than that, even though her attitude stinks and she is acting like I'm purposely being evasive and as though I can't be bothered to do it.

So I thanked the Paypal agent again for her kindness and help, she said, it will be there in 24 hours.

I called the Wtchy back and just told her every single thing. Finally she said Oh, I don't know why Paypal are being difficult.

I really need the balance affecting statement and it's just not sufficient, the all transactions one.

(Oh and even the customer agent from Paypal said, I don't know why on earth she isn't accepting the all transactions one, it's basically the same thing)!!

Exactly!!!

Anyway so I said I'm just waiting on it but chances are it might come out as the all transactions one.

She said That's not good, that's not what I need. In the end I said Would you like me to ring you when it comes through?

She said Yes do that as soon as possible and then once that happens, a verdict is going to be made.

That's my news, I could transfer all the money from Paypal into my Bank account.

That just seems underhanded and sneaky. I don't want to do that.

I could just send a partial amount but again, I think they are monitoring it closely, I'm glad I withdrew at least some of it before now.

I can justify it. It is literally for all the bills increasing, tax, heating, phone, water, plus groceries etc.

She's definitely spiteful enough to block my account and probably empty it.

I can see her happily doing that. I was hoping for a better outcome, a small fine, no jail time.

But all this is making me sicker and depressed and stressed and if it is finally coming to an end..

Where she will not be on my back, she won't harass me further and won't make me spend more money and cripple myself in the library..

Then so be it! I won't be happy but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I'm going to miss being able to take a taxi to see Mama. I don't know if I can afford that.

I'm also going to miss being able to afford a takeout when I'm too physically ill to move or I'm beyond exhausted and it's a luxury.

Plus the laptop and heated blankie won't last forever, they will need replacing eventually as they are old.

The only silver lining, apart from peace of mind, as this has been hanging over me since October of last year.

Will be as soon as she takes over my Paypal money and account.

I can then send screenshots to UC and say, Hi Howdy, this is new information but I no longer have any Paypal savings.

DWP has seized it and I have proof that they have to accept. As I will show the new balance of ZERO!!!

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I can relax. I'm going to eat some chicken and rice and update Mama later.

I hope the younger sibling is choking on his laughter, pleased with himself.

The older one was maybe reported also but seems like, there are no consequences to his actions either, it's just me being punished.

Well that seems fair. I am after all the horrible one. Yep sound about right.

The almost good get punished and the evil can do as they please because nobody holds them accountable, ever!

Hopefully tomorrows post is a bit lighter or you might have to wait for next week or month for me to be in a better mood.

#BlogLife813 - Fresh faced beauty

I tried the jalfrezi today with rice, wasn't that keen, it wasn't very flavorful, the chicken was alright but the rest was too bland.

I was surprised just 2 days later the Eveline face wash arrived. Poor Postie at 2pm tried to put it through the new slot but it didn't fit.

I'm disappointed it is not the advertised 150ml but a very tiny 75ml instead because at £5 that's steep.

Anyway just tried it and it has one of my favourite scents which is citrus, it's glorious.

It's a medium thick orange gel, it applies and washes off easily. I only squeezed a small amount and it covered my whole face.

Afterwards I feel so cleansed and refreshed. I'm really pleasantly surprised.

I don't even feel like I need a moisturiser afterwards but I still will apply it.

I know I usually do it beforehand to stop the oily greasy film remaining on my combination skin but I forgot to do it.

It's only the first usage so I will see how it performs over a month and if it lasts that long, then I will work out the value, compared to the price tag.

I love that feeling though, it seems like I just had a facial or ran the face brush, very clean and soft.

I just did a mini Ocado shop to tide me over until next week, just some seeded wholemeal bread and sandwich fillings, plus snacks.

I tried out the Nibble chocolate chip cookie dough bites, it's less like biscuits and more like lil cakes with the rankest aftertaste.

Yuck. There is very lil sweetness and it's quite bland. It was reduced to £1.76 and it's really tiny for the price, I don't recommend it.

I also got some clementine juice as I still feel rough and that really gave my system a huge boost.

I need to wash away the taste so I'm going to open the chocolate chunk shortbread for £2.90, steep!!

Those are lovely, very buttery and probably fattening too but delicious, 9 big chunky biccys inside.

I just wanted some snacky foods as I'm not eating properly yet. I thought I might as well put on the Avon face mask.

It's a cute pinky.purply shade. It smells like berries maybe? It's unusual, it came out like a thick moisturiser.

Applied really easy and hardens within a minute, my face is super tight and quite tingly.

I'm supposed to rinse it off in 4 minutes, I may leave it on longer though.

I think my face needs rejuvenating for a while. It was probably on for about half an hour.

It took a bit of effort to wash it off but then a lot of it came out so it was too much, next time I will squeeze it gently.

I feel very refreshed now. My skin is baby soft and glowing, so it shouldn't take long to get back to normal and clear up.

I know some aren't keen on the masks that feel tight on the skin but I don't mind them.

I feel like it firms me up, anyway that's just my opinion, it's up to you what you prefer and makes your skin feel alive.

I didn't end up going out today. I feel even more off and totally depleted.

I actually woke up and went back to sleep for an extra hour. My period seems to be off and on this January so it will be one of those months where I have less than no energy.

That explains why my face is breaking out and I'm craving sugar a bit more.

And the last of the deliveries came yesterday evening, which was the moisturiser.

The Neutrogena one has become my staple and after I try a few new ones, I always go back to it as it regulates my skin.

#BlogLife812 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 15 - Holiday fuzzy movies

This feels a bit strange to do as Christmas has passed but it comes and goes so quickly and some of us can watch festive movies all year around so I will probably do this every year to remind myself of the favourites.

1. Home Alone 1 & 2, it is an absolute comedic classic film to watch, with guaranteed belly laughs and tears of joy.

2. A Gingerbread Christmas, there is just something fun about cooking/chef films that are soo cosy to watch.

3. A Muppet Christmas Carol, it's funny and yet it teaches us to look beyond ourselves and see people that are struggling but not talking about it.

The rest I won't spoil..

4. Radio Christmas

5. Christmas Reservations

6. Flight Before Christmas

7. Christmas Caper

8. Undercover Christmas

9. Holiday in Handcuffs

10. A Very Merry Mix Up

11. The Santa Stakeout

12. A Christmas Cruise

13. A Husband for Christmas

14. A Very Nutty Christmas

15. A Very Merry Toy Store

16. Christmas List

17. Christmas Ever After

18. Trading Christmas

19. Bridget Jones 1 and 2, not sure about 3.

Lastly 20. Christmas On The Coast.

Alright, that is enough to be getting on with. They feature the same actresses in some of them.

I like what I like :) There are a few I haven't watched in a while and I'm not sure I'm in the mood for romantic sentimentality.

Comedies are helping though.

This post doesn't have enough padding so I'll add to it. The moisturiser and face mask are out for delivery today.

My face is a lil hormonally bumpy so it will be good to put a mask on.

That was super fast. I'm not sure if I'll join Mama tomorrow for pedicures and/or possibly lunch.

On one hand it will be fun, on another, really draining. I guess I will see how I feel later on, at least I don't have to wait in for deliveries.

I cut my hair over Christmas but because I felt so lethargic, it seemed a bad cut.

I just re-did it yesterday I think and it's much better. Really short and flicky.

Food still doesn't appeal but I'll make a sandwich soon. That wholemeal seeded bread is really nice for a change, nothing fancy just egg and cheese.

#BlogLife811 - Weighty price tag of slimming

I decided the first meal I was going to try was the Wellness chicken arrabiata, veggies and pasta.

They all smell so good, I can't remember if there was a multi buy offer. Yea it was 3 for £10 so a £2 saving.

That's cool, whole wheat pasta and red and yellow peppers. Plus a tomatoey based sauce.

It looks small but I don't mind that, it's mostly veggies, doesn't seem like much pasta or chicken but I could be wrong, maybe it's just hiding underneath.

Oh shoot, I just realised something I should have bought that instant chocolate custard, that would have gone well with the jam roly poly sponge dessert.

Although I'm not sure I'm upto cooking that, just yet. Mama invited me to lunch next week, she's coming down this side with her bestie but I'm not sure I'll be better by then.

It would be good to get a pedicure done but it's already Wednesday and I still feel yucky.

That trip to town will be doubly tiring. Ok the verdict is in. There was actually quite a bit of chicken and a lot of mini penne pasta included.

It was seasoned really nicely, very tasty, probably too much sauce and pepper for my liking, it started off mild and then got quite spicy.

I finished halfish/most of it I think and it even had spinach maybe? I'm not sure if I would get it again, the spice deters me.

It's now Thursday afternoony and my appetite is gone again, shish.

I might just eat anyway and maybe that will trigger it. I've been thinking about what to do about my clothes.

Most of them seem massively baggy, typically it is just the tops though, so lil by lil I think I will look for something distinctive in a smaller size.

I forgot how expensive weight loss can be. I feel like some of the clothes are newish and already need to be binned.

I will stick to the usual smart casual wear, that will be appropriate for most occasions.

I'm waiting for the Postie as well, to see what time he delivers, I doubt the face wash will arrive but it might do.

Postie never showed so that was a bust but I had a long lovely call with L to catch up and that totally relaxed me.

I'm not sure how clear I sounded with the hoarseness and the coughing but hopefully I was legible enough.

#BlgLife810 - Too hoarse for you? Stop hoarsing around!

Ahh I can breathe again. I just had the UC meeting and was staring at my phone just prior, thinking please ring, don't send an email link to a video chat.

My advisor called and said Erm for some strange reason you were scheduled for a video call but I'm sure you weren't aware so I called instead.

I thanked him in gratitude but my voice is cracking and going so I wanted to laugh when he kept saying, Speak up, I can't hear you.

I was coughing and apologising but I couldn't speak up, I can barely talk because my throat is just dry and this bug whatever it is, won't leave my system.

It's been two weeks, shish! Anyway he actually was understanding and jotted notes about how I tried for the courses but were rejected.

Plus he said that I could have another phone appointment in a fortnight, if I'm still unwell, just to let him know.

I felt a lil guilty as it's been 3ish weeks since my last attendance so I said, I'll meet you in person if you want me too. 

I'm not sure if I'll be cured by then but thank heavens he said call, not video.

Phew!!! That was too stressful for words. Now that's done, I did a smallish/mediumish Iceland shop as I needed a few things and it's booked for tomorrow morning.

I'm not even sure I'll eat again today but I prefer to have the option of food available, than none at all.

I'm not even craving snacks or sugary desserts which is highly unusual.

But even if I just have a small snack or meal each day, it's better than nothing. I will try to keep my strength up.

I can't believe he said two weeks and not one, that's another miracle.

On JA it was every fortnight but ever since I've been on UC it's every bloody week, barring Christmas.

I have a lil bit of cleaning to do but I'm going to save that exertion for when I'm better, everything is still so tiring.

I literally struggled to take my dressing gown off that I put on just for the video call as I wanted to cover up completely.

And I forgot to menton Iceland is now stocking the turkey bacon, woop.

I finally have the energy to finish off this post. I've just felt drained today.

I unpacked the shopping and took out the bins and just felt like sleeping but I couldn't so I was lounging instead.

I watched some foodie videos on Youtubey last night and today and I have a slightly bigger appetite today.

This morning/afternoony I had a small chicken pie slice and some mini chicken balls, with some water.

Now I might try for a small meal, a lil pasta or rice and I'm running low on supplies and saw a lil £1 coupon so I did some shopping.

It worked out to about £4ish each, Neutrogena moisturiser, Eveline gel wash, which is new to me.

Lastly Avon pink clay mask. I was looking for scented products, I'm not sure they are, but they seem it.

Apart from my nose area, my face isn't too bad but I like to maintain the regular weekend pampering.

Plus it keeps me looking youthful and it's relaxing. I'll let you know more probably next week when they arrive.

#BlogLife809 - The Devil is in the details

I was going to add this to Yesterday's post but it slipped my mind.

And to be honest, I'm not sure I'll be posting regularly even though I'm home, I'm still struggling with my thoughts and energy levels.

Anyway it was two things. One Mama brought up dating and said Oh yea you didn't start until late it was early 20's right?

And I said Nope, I was 17yrs and she was surprised, when did you go out and who with..?

In my head I was thinking, it's better you don't know and I stopped myself blurting out that I'll never forget the age as I was assaulted and that tends to stay with a person.

She's so clueless but at the same time if I brought that up, I'd have to say, Well yea, those days, I found any excuse to stay out as late as possible, anything to avoid being at home, surrounded by threats.

And that I was seeking affection, anywhere I could find it, not knowing what a dangerous world we live in.

I don't want her to take on the blame for it. I want her to acknowledge our home life was a scary place.

Anyway, the other thing that irritated me was her relative, grilling me on what benefits, I'm claiming, if I'm working, that my hair is thinning.

And I wanted to say, What the hell does it have to do with you?? Mind your own bloody business!

But good manners dictate otherwise and plus I could barely stand straight so I just rattled off answers and hoped she would leave soon.

To be fair, she did bring us some rotis and curry and travelled in the cold weather, without a car.

But this is what I don't like about the relatives, they feed on information, to spread gossip and act judgemental.

They are gleefully eager to criticize. I know my hair looks like crap, I don't need to bloody hear it.

Why couldn't she have just said. I've found a nice product if you're interested, it's castor oil for the hair and it worked well to thicken mine up.

Oh also thankfully, the boiler is working and the pipes haven't frozen in this wintry supposedly snowy weather.

But to be safe I'm still leaving it on for a further few hours and to be honest, I'm still cold, but not freezing any longer.

Nice to be back in the warmth and I just tried the bathroom tap and it's back to normal, woohoo.

I didn't do anything but before I left, I had dumped the whole bottle of washing liquid and it wasn't filled with water, it was empty but draining slowly, when I turned the tap on.

But I was still nervous that maybe it would turn out to be a bigger problem and heaven knows if the landlord would take responsibility.

They fix what they feel like and ignore the rest, recently, there was a mass message saying we won't replace taps anymore.

It's your responsibility! Cheapskates!! That's a big relief at least.

I didn't even check the post, the Witch has probably written demanding something else.

I had a really bad night even though I waited until late to go to bed.

I kept waking up and having nightmares about murder and bullying.

I didn't eat or drink anything last night, I just didn't feel like it but listening to the binaural beats and gargling with salt water helped as I just had some water and no pain.

I'm cooking some chicken spring rolls and will probably do an Iceland order some time this week.

The boiler was acting strangely, it wasn't making any noises but thankfully it did start. I'm leaving it on medium again.

I guess I'm still stressing about the video call in 2 hours. It will be my first ever one and visual close ups make me cringe.

I feel so raw and uncomfortable but I had no choice, if I don't do it, I'll get into trouble.

Even though I'm not craving food, it was fun to discover Iceland has new chicken based meals that don't have pork included.

Maybe I'll nap later as my throat is starting to burn and I'm still frozen with the heating on and blankie, except I don't feel remotely tired, just agitated.

#BlogLife808 - False recovery

Well the Marks stuff is with the courier Evri so I guess that will be here this week.

I aimed to have lighter bags but they will be heavy with all the shopping I've done.

But I do love good quality and savings so it is worth it. I had some vegan sushi today.

Nothing fancy just cucumber, carrot, mushroom, red cabbage and something spicy ha, but not overpowering.

It's maybe not something I would have chosen but it was soft and seasoned nicely.

'm very tired and sluggish but I thought maybe there is 1 last post in me, before the year bids us farewell.

The Marks stuff ended up arriving this morning so that was handy as it predicted a long delivery date.

The cough and rib pain was really lessening but today it has returned with a vengeance, lots more coughing and pains.

It's frustrating, like I've gotten a re-chill. I don't think I can fully get back to normal here.

I'm not comfy, the pain is sharp and it's too cold. I feel guilty about using the heater or blankie but I'm shivering.

I have cramps and I'm craving chocolate and now that I've stopped the monthly, I wonder if it's restarting.

I'm going to be heading home either this weekend or early Monday

In one way it's a relief to be home relaxing.

In another sense, the company was good and it was fun, watching old comedies.

I'm still dreading Tuesday's video appointment but I guess I will go with the flow or be marked as absent if it doesn't work.

I've been adding lil tidbits to this post but I just feel wretched. Very low energy and now I am back home, I'm desperately trying to warm up.

The blankie is being a pain and hardly giving any heat, the boiler is I hope, warming the place slowly, I can't be bothered to get up and check but I hear it clanking away.

I did really want to nap as I got back about an hour ago and really struggled not only getting out of the cab but carrying all the luggage.

The overnight bag that was packed to the brim, the laptop case full of chargers, the handbag and an extra carrier bag because nothing else would fit.

Mama was trying to make me carry some food back but I kept declining.

It's irritating to have the same bloody argument especially when I'm extra ill.

My period is coming on every other day. My gums have turned really tender so I can't eat or drink at the moment.

Which suits me because I've lost my appetite a bit. I'm treating it with clove essential oil, peppermint oil, binaural beats, salt water rinses, mouthwash and that's it.

My voice is cracking and disappearing. I still have the persistent cough, runny nose and feel generally weak and tired.

I don't want to do much except lie down. I'm going to leave the heating on high, well high to me at 2.2.

I usually have it on 2 and that's enough for winter, probably until late tonight.

I am shivering like crazy. It's really tempting to climb into my duvet but my bed is full and I probably wouldn't climb out of it, until nighttime where I wouldn't sleep.

Surprisingly, unlike the weatherman's warnings, there isn't snow here, woop.

I didn't want to walk in that. At Mama's side, she said she saw frost on the ground but because the rain hit hard, it washed it all away.

I hope I didn't give Mama my germs she was coughing a bit but not really sneezing.

It doesn't feel appropriate to say it but I felt compelled too. Mama said she's gonna visit to see her only Grandson in person, maybe in March.

It worries me though. I think he will threaten her or blackmail her for cash or even physically harm her.

I can't say don't go but I did say be careful. He's capable of great harm, emotional and/or physical and she's going to be trapped in his home.

I hope that I'm worrying for no reason and that for once, he'll treat her with respect but it's been a lifetime of evil abuse that she makes excuses for and brushes under the carpet.

She may forgive and forget, I will never feel safe.

This is going to sound selfish, as usual but I need to concentrate on healing myself.

I want to feel better because if I don't, I'm going to stay in bed for days and not do anything productive.

At least tomorrow I have that stupid UC appointment so I have to be up and ready for that, although it's not set for the morning.

I can sleep in a bit, although I'm stressing about how to set up the video part.

I don't think I'll buy groceries yet, until I can eat or drink without wincing.

Oh it's a shame that when we ordered the Chinese wings, noodles and rice, they robbed me of the 15% discount.

I had to waste the leftovers, my mouth was on fire a bit. I want to keep it clean and clear for a day or two.

Plus the other thing putting me off food, aside from pmt, it normally decreases the appetite at first.

Was the pressure to eat constantly as she had cooked or had leftovers or kept buying excess that I struggled to consume.

But sometimes I had small portions not because I wanted too but because I felt I had too.

And I worked really hard to only eat when I feel like it and when it appeals to me.

So now I'm going to have a break from it. I appreciate she wanted to treat me but being ill, I didn't fancy much so I dreaded her mentioning meal times.

At least she has the neighbours and friends to give the food too.

They love when she cooks. I just can't manage it and the running joke seemed to be, this time, halfway through the day, when I said, is it bedtime yet..?

As I'm falling asleep. I need peace and quiet and then tomorrow I'll do laundry, unblock the sink and possibly feel more human.