#BlogLife823 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 16 - Bridget Jones saga

I may have talked about this before, but I searched the blog and couldn't see any references to it.

But I do have just over 1k posts now. It didn't seem that much but I have been busy and posting as often as possible.

Anyway I'm re-watching Bridget Jones, at least 1 and 2 because apparently there is a 4th coming out and thanks heavens Hugh is back in it.

I know he's a rascal and I don't want them to end up together but at least with the Daniel character he portrayed, you knew where you stood.

He was an ass, a cheater, a liar and a charmer who didn't take himself too seriously, could be silly and poke fun but it's almost like he could bare his soul to Bridget, even if he wasn't sincere.

But with Colin Firth aka Mark Darcy, he's supposed to be the Good Guy, the one you root for.

Except, do we really? I feel he never has Bridget's back publically.

He knows that his colleague Rebecca is making her insecure, but does he have a word and say, Listen you're hanging on to me too much, calling too much, my girlfriend is not happy, can you back off?

Nope, instead he encourages it and invites her on to a vacation with them.

Not exactly supportive and respectful behavior. I guess the only time he made a fool of himself is when he told her he loved her.

And even that should have been a face to face thing. Oh and I suppose the physical fighting with Daniel but maybe that was for himself and not Bridget's honour.

In his defence, the marriage topic, shouldn't be aired when you're fighting, it's not a lovey dovey situation.

Alright I decided to watch the third one again. Actually I forgot how hilarious the interview segments were.

Why didn't she just tell them I don't know which of you knocked me up? Ha!

It's embarrassing but it's the truth. I don't really understand why she slept with Mark again, they were on the outs.

He is married and it felt like a rebound thing.

Oh my Gosh, I am such a twit. I think I raced through the ending, I just wanted to know whose kid it was?

I totally missed the bit with the bench and newspaper. He's alive? How did I miss that?

Wow!

At least the hot water and heating are running fine today, that's a blessing. I was a bit worried it wouldn't be.

Iceland called again, I still can't get used to that, to say the hot cross buns are out of stock, I'm gutted.

I was really looking forward to that but she asked me if I would like teacakes instead, which are similar.

I wonder if they call up everyone? Or maybe it's just the regular loyal customers?

It's handy, Tesco never did that and Ocado just tells you at the checkout what is out of stock, so you can amend it prior to that.

She was really polite, I'm glad she did call though as buns were part of the main meal plan.

Just to finish off for this week, one of the randoms asked who I would pick from Daniel or Mark?

I think he mean't looks wise but I went with personality and said neither.

Ideally you want someone you can be yourself around and not feel judged.

You want someone honest, that makes you feel good.

Someone you can relax with and know that they have your best interests at heart.

Someone you can have a laugh with, that doesn't make you feel, you aren't good enough, that makes you feel secure with them.

They don't quality, most of the time, she felt she had to impress them and that her natural self wasn't a high enough standard.

Pfft! No thanks, I would rather be accepted for myself as complicated and flawed as I am, not change to mould into someones exact version of a perfect girlfriend.

#BlogLife822 - Cold weather has busted boiler yet again

I woke up this morning, turned the thermostat on as usual and ran the hot water tap as it's really slow to emit hot water..

I didn't think anything of it at first when it was staying cold because it's winter.

I don't know why I keep thinking that when the thermostat is on, everything is fine, it's a useless indicator.

The boiler could have malfunctioned and it would still say everything's fine.

It's a combination hot water and heating appliance, anyway when I felt the radiator that was not starting to get warm and that had me worried.

But what was confusing and still is, is that I hear the sounds of the heating, I just don't hear that familiar click click or ping ping, telling me it's starting up.

I looked at the boiler display and it said 3 secs. I've never seen that before, not that I can usually see to read it.

I had a look on Googly and it said, it needs to be reset for 3 seconds, to hold the button and afterwards should be fine.

I mean, could it really be that easy? The most I've ever done is turn the switch off and on and that's the extent of my knowledge of how to repair it.

That actually works once in a blue moon. The radiator does seem noisier but still no click.

After I did that, luckily there was a button that said 3 secs because there was nothing that said reset..

It reverted back to 888 temporarily I think, which I know is a fault but I don't know if it's fixed itself yet.

I can't stand there and look and wait, as it's too cold and painful.

What I don't get, is that I've been using it, practically nonstop, why should it fail?

Oh I just heard a click. There's another one. Please please please let it have worked.

I hate calling the repair guys. I feel so uncomfy around them. I'm scared to check if it's sorted, in case it's still broken.

Oh wow, it worked. I'm so relieved and happy, the whole process took about 30minutes to an hour.

Patience is the key. I don't even know the make of the boiler but I'm just glad it was something simple and not major.

It's fairly new so it should not have any issues and although I love winter, my body hates it and stiffens up.

The pain lingers around longer, I've noticed it, which makes being functional that much more taxing.

I'm just heating up some veggy pasta, now that I can calm down and relax.

This was not even today's post but I had to get it off my mind. I'm surprised the face mask hasn't arrived yet.

My skin is still all over the place, one minute normal, the next dry and peely.

I don't get it at all. It's reacting to something but I don't know what..

I think actually what is helping a tiny bit is, I still have some leftover combination scrub/mask so I've been using that and rubbing it in.

But I want to use a proper mask, a smooth one that rehydrates and clears everything up.

#BlogLife821 - Uncomfy that you're too comfy..

I thought I would try another de-stressing method and that was to go back on chat and converse with the crazy randoms.

Some of it was fine and other chats were unpleasant. I did see GE/J and he asked the right questions, how was I doing and what was happening.

I mean I wasn't about to share but it was still nice to be asked. For me very few people are trustworthy enough for me to bare my soul with.

I decided to hell with the judgements it's 2025 now and when asked what's my profession? I just said I don't work but I do write and blog daily.

I mean to be honest I don't publish daily but I do find that I'm writing almost every day, it's continuous and I'm dedicated to it, so I see it as a job, but not a chore.

And not as some men say a "hobby." I'm consumed with being creative and it's not meaningless to me.

It's my life.

That was kinda major for me because in the past and still now, when I said I wasn't working...... These were the assumptions..

Oh you're a millionaire?

Oh you're a prostitute?

Oh you're a golddigger?

And I don't feel the need to justify myself and say, Well no, actually I'm severely ill with multiple health issues that impact my daily life and limit my actions throughout the day and night.

The other assumption was that my writing must be stupendous for me to be a lady of leisure.

Incorrect I'm just bloody careful with money. I live within my means.

And although I would love to be a talented writer. I'm not sure I'll ever get to that level.

What I do know is I like my way of sharing tidbits. I like how it unfolds.

I hope it's engaging. I hope that you want to come back for more but I don't assume I'm so great that it's addictive.

Anyway I did get talking to someone new and he didn't ask the personal questions, which I was relieved about.

We mostly just joked around and had a laugh but then he got a lil too comfortable with me and started doing the jokey insults.

I don't mind being teased but insults are a different story. He started calling me dumb, bitch and other things.

That's not all in good fun humour, that's more I don't respect you and you're beneath me and I'm laughing at you.

Which are extreme button pushers for me. I repeatedly told him, not to use those terms and he carried on so for the last time today.

I've outlined it and said, If you do it again, see what will happen to you, which means a permanent block.

But I shouldn't have to repeat myself and why is it a go-to thing to tear a woman down and make her feel bad?

Why couldn't he have said something less hurtful? So eventually he apologised and said he read my tone wrong, thought I was alright with it.

And I thought, Hmm, well it is open to interpretation online but I still felt I was pretty clear.

Then things get a lil uneasy between us but as soon as he makes peace and things return, he reverts back to the same name calling.

You see I don't understand that. I've told him I don't like it and also it seems like he's only happy being flirty.

When I steered the conversation into hobbies and interests, it felt like effort.

It should have flowed but it was so unnatural. Then he repeated the same question back to me.

Couldn't you have thought of another topic? Then after I answered, he went back to flirting lol.

Why do I have to constantly teach men how to behave towards us women?

Well I saw him tonight and things came to a head. It's like on one hand he's making the effort and then on the other hand, says I have a low opinion of you.

That was the final straw and I said, You seem to just love being nasty to me and I've had to keep telling you to knock it off, whether it's jokey fun or serious.

I don't feel sad by his comments, more annoyed. I prefer relaxing silly chats, not someone coming for me.

Maybe with the next woman he will readjust his attitude or carry on just being the same.

I didn't give him time to apologise or make amends because frankly I had this conversation over and over and you either learn from it or repeat the mistakes.

And I warned him if he carried on, there would be consequences.

That's what chat life is, good and bad but sometimes, you get a good chuckle.

Oh and I definitely did retaliate back with the meanness. When called a bitch, I call them a boring bastard!

Equals the playing field, but again, I don't want to be tense and rowing, I just want to have a decent chitchat and unwind for the evening, cast my worries aside temporarily.

He seemed to be doubly invested, which makes it odd, the way he was talking to me.

But again this whole thing reminds me of back in the day, when I didn't like myself that much and I attracted this sort of character from friends and potential love interests.

At first they played nice and were complimentary and then I let my guard down and it was ruthless character assassinations.

They wanted to keep me down so I didn't realise I could do better and form healthier relationships.

I guess I want to say to you, be careful who you have around you and watch out for people that are nice on the outside but keep attacking you slyly and pretending they are joking or accusing you of being too sensitive.

Lots of duplicitous snakes around masquerading as honourable people.

And you don't deserve that at all. I didn't and still don't!

#BlogLife820 - Inconsiderate time waster/Who are you to tell me what I'm capable of doing??

I'm home now and just ordered food. I've got to say that is the only bright spark.

On Monday, there was 40% off the sushi and today the pizza is half price ha!!

I'm all about the savings, so I got some chicken tandoori pizza and wings and a drink, it's not spicy just flavourful.

I am frozen solid as the twits were running late, heaven help me if I swan in late but they can waste our bloody time as much as possible.

The pain and stiffness kicked in and now my stomach is lurching, but this time I think it's from hunger pangs.

I'm not actually hungry but because I was up early and have been out, my body needs fuel.

The appointment at the Jobby was 10am, so being a responsible person I aimed to get there just before.

At about 9.34am they call and I ignore it, I can never hear them and vice versa when I'm outdoors, too noisy.

A text pops up to say, Oh we're running late, come back in an hour!

Fuckers!!! Who texts/calls at the last bloody minute? You had all morning, most of us leave early to arrive early, we don't leave it til the last frigging second!

So I sat there waiting in the freezing cold, having just arrived. Then finally 10.30am arrives and I set off just before that.

They are still not ready. Asses! I wait another half an hour and then about 11amish, she's finally ready to see me.

By this time I'm struggling to move, the pain is established and I'm on the verge of tears.

She wants me to do a course for 9 bloody weeks, over 2 flipping months, 9-5pm???

WTF?! It's a technical IT course and that holds no interest. I'm trying to explain to her, that my valid concern is that I'm going to find it too strenuous, it being full time and that I was less interested in the technical side, more the customer side of things.

And she's like, Oh don't limit yourself, don't feel left out. I wanted to swing for her!!

Does she have any bloody idea how taxing it is for me to be active for even an hour, let alone 8 bloody hours???

There's no rest as it's every weekday and I'm still expected to do the job searches?? In what time.

Plus my priority is this blog and the stories but I can't tell them that.

I have hand/body pains, exhaustion, poor eyesight and stiffness. The pain doesn't stop magically after I take a break.

What it does is halt, remember the intensity, stay dormant for a small while and then if I continue doing anything active, it climbs and climbs until I feel like I can't move at all.

She's like Oh don't worry we'll support you. Like fuck you will, what are you going do? Stop the bloody class midway through??

Once I'm done for the day, I'm done, the pain has taken up residence and I have limited functionality.

I need rest and no activities. I can't see her being understanding about me leaving the course after 2 hours and saying, Yea I'm done for the day.

And the other thing was she compared me to single Mama's, like what the hell does that have to do with people that have  chronic illnesses???

FFS!!

Of course I bit my tongue and uttered none of the above and she's like yea, scan the code and upload some video answers in the interview, if you're interested.

Excuse me? No way! I shudder at the thought.

But I'm going to take the weekend and pretend to ponder it and then decline, let them penalise me for rejecting it, I don't give a fuck!

I feel emotionally calm now, no more cursy cursy. But my body is sensitive and the pain is starting to spread all over and worsen.

While I'm on a rant. It occurred to me that the Witch from DWP is on a power trip.

I've seen it at the Job Centre they can literally shout at you, insult you and the moment you raise your voice in retaliation to stick up for yourself, the security guards rush over and you get in trouble.

She knows she can say anything, demand anything and I have to comply, that's why she's stretching it out, when she has repeatedly got all of the information from me.

4 months later and all she can keep saying is wait to hear back to see what you have to do next.

Congratulations to her, she's excelling at making me lose my mind.

I'm surrounded by evilness.

Oh I just tried the part bake cinnamon swirls. It does take about 20 minutes to cook, the whole room smells of cinnamon but it's not that sweet really.

I didn't realise there was an icing packet, I was supposed to drizzle it over but it's frozen.

I'll just keep them in the fridge, it's not bad. It needs more sugar and cinnamon surprisingly.

I'm not sure I would get it again, personally I would prefer more natural sweetness and not to rely on the icing for the sugar content.

Also I prefer it softer, rather than crispy, it changes the experience and not for the better.

But I can't cook it any less as it's not ready to eat then.

#BlogLife819 - Found the dry skin culprit

Well, out of the new moisturiser, the new face wash and the new mask, I experimented..

My skin is breaking out and was extremely dry and flaky but only when I started to use the new products.

I thought let me start with the Avon clearskin pink clay mask. I stopped using it for a few days, ironically it was supposed to clear up my blemishes and rough skin..

Then I noticed my skin getting back to normal, softer and softer. It's not completely smooth but it's so much better than it was.

That is definitely the guilty party and I will bin it. It just means it was a waste of money and I'll have to get a new one.

I just left some honest feedback about it and the false advertising wash I purchased. 

I try not to leave negative, I prefer neutral, I mean I did receive it and was able to use it, so negative seems too harsh and mean, even if it wasn't suitable to me personally.

 

Specifically about the Eveline face wash, how they said it was 150ml but it turned out to be 75ml.

Tsk tut liars! I browsed and there wasn't many good offers but the Eclat blue one was on sale for £2.95 and that's 70ml supposedly.

I've used the pink one before and that was great but I prefer trying different brands but not if it's too costly.

Yesterday I said that I was going to pick one of the unfinished stories and further develop it but I drew a blank about what to add so I didn't manage it.

I did come up with a wacky new theme though. I wanted to pretend I was talking to one of the randoms but I didn't actually want to go into a chatroom.

So I came up with this letter form of talking to Mr Wrong, someone that is a lil too cheesy and flirty but sometimes manages to say the right thing and make you laugh.

As I said, I don't know if it's a one off and maybe it should have been part of SpoofLife but it came out of nowhere and it made me unwind.

I started laughing as I was writing it and I realised that was more important than anything.

That I try to de-stress as much as I could and then, that would surely unlock the writing and it did somewhat, not for the stories yet, but certainly a fictiony halfway compromise piece.

I'm just cooking a hot breakfast, one of those chicken bake thingys and some sausages on the side.

I can't still can't manage two meals a day but I'm eating one good hearty one and snacking.

I feel physically better but I think it's more the stress that's sapping my strength and tomorrow with the course, I'll be back to feeling anxious.

#LetterLife1 - Dear Monsieur Wrong

Dear Monsieur Wrong,

I know Monsieur Right doesn't exist, so maybe you do? I wanted to write some fiction today.

But I think I need to talk or vent or ask questions or get answers from someone other than myself.

I did open up all the unfinished stories on the blog, one by one and thought, which one should I work on?

I don't really have ideas. Should I just compose nonsense and hope it works out?

I've got asmr playing in the background. I've got 2 films open. I'm scattered. I can't focus at all.

There's a new story playing in my head but all seems similar to the others.

I want to let go, jump on a story and finish it but knowing that I'm not just going through the motions, that I care about it and am inspired and have confidence that it will turn out well.

I feel none of that. I'm stuck, I want romance, I want to write romance, I just don't feel particularly romantic and don't want to talk or mingle at all.

So help me out. What's your recommendations? How do I fix me?

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

I exist solely for you. To be in your company and to help and guide and support you, whenever you need it,

Why do you need to do anything right now? You have enough pressure in your life.

But I sense that is where your passions lie and I am all about the passions.

Just reach for my hand, let me pull you close and I will work with you to solve this small problem.

For you see, with me around, everything will be seen with fresh eyes, fresh smiles, fresh convictions and a fresh suitor, oui oui?

That's it Cherie, smile for me, gush for me, fall for me, let your troubles melt away.

I want you to think about your last story, how did you feel when it was completed, my sweet capable Cherie?

Dearest Monsieur, 

I felt relieved actually. It was the story I challenged myself to write and publish in a day and I didn't think I could do it.

I was blank for ages until certain pieces floated into my brain and it pieced together and started to flow.

And suddenly, it was just bubbling and I was getting emotional writing it.

I was pleased with how it turned out. I accomplished that goal for the milestone blog.

But now this emptiness is back and I feel alone and although, that's my preferred spot..

I want someone but I don't want them. I want to be alone and comforted at the same time.

I want to be looked after but not intruded upon. That's it really.

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

Look at me Cherie, I know what you want and need and what is best.

And simply speaking it is me. I am everything you crave and everything you didn't.

I am perfect but also littered with flaws. You can make me into anything you want.

But I do not change for anyone, not even you my precious. 

I am a tireless listener though, but I am all about the action, so we must always be actively joined together, being productive.

But sometimes I can't be bothered with the writey writey talky talky, so in those times, we do the kissy kissy ;)

Dearest Monsieur, 

It is getting late but you have made me laugh a lot tonight and I appreciate the cheesiness of the conversation.

I think for now, you did provide what I needed and that was some lightheartedness.

It's a good start. I feel less stressed and a lot silly.

Thank you and Goodnight Monsieur.

Dearest Mademoiselle,

I will do anything for you at any time, day or night. Ma chambre is always open.

Sleep well Cherie but not too deeply in case I need a hug tonight.

I will remind you that you have it in you to create magic on a page, the next time you feel lost and alone.

Dream of me, your handsome caregiver

X

#BlogLife818 - Unofficial Goodbye savings and paypal usage

Stress is normal in my life. The Job Centre, DWP, family, the landlord and being ill are the constant attributors.

But if I want to continue writing fiction I have to find a way to cast it aside and relax so that I can unlock the creative juices.

I haven't figured out how to do that. I am trying to deal with things as they crop up. I'm not ignoring it.

But I just feel pulled in different directions, as though I don't have a moment's peace.

Some time, where there's nothing pressing and weighing on me. I don't know why, when as difficult as it is, I finally ask for help and it's skewered.

My patience has run out though and I am making my peace with how things are going to turn out today.

In 5 minutes at 2pm, I will be really depressed as I make that phone call to the witch.

I thought I would join the library online, just in case I need it for the future as queueing up is just so painful.

It's so weird that I didn't even need letter identification, like you do in person.

But the first thing they said was insert your username or borrower name and I thought, ugh you didn't give me either of those.

But I was already logged in and under my profile I saw it and noted it down for future reference.

Anyway what happened with the Paypal thingy, was that no reports came through, I spoke to a new person, explained how drained I was.

He was the first person to mention that sounds like you need it in csv form so I said sure, he was like Oh but DWP doesn't like that, they like pdf.

I said listen it doesn't matter about the download type, she just wants the balance.

Again he sympathised, promised to help and he almost did. Good grief.

He sent the majority for some reason in pdf, and a small fraction, maybe this year in csv, the csv version actually did have the rolling balance.

But I am so tired and I want this over with and if I tell her that, she will make me re-request it and it will drag on.

I can't even relax or sleep properly with this over my head, so I will say sorry it came out the same as the others and she will say.....

That is nowhere near good enough, I'm taking all your Paypal savings and leaving you with nothing but your current account.

Suffer!! Ok enough stalling, let's call and just get it done. I didn't expect that, there was no answer.

 I had to psyche myself up to call because it's not easy parting with just under 6k but I just want this finished for good.

Oh two things I forgot to mention about Monday, for some reason there was a huge dog roaming on the bus and I had a mild panic attack as it was roaming nearby.

Somebody complained though that it wasn't on a leash and the lady halfheartedly called it back but it was right opposite me so I found it hard to breathe and compose myself.

That wasn't good. I've stuck my phone on the charger and will call her again later.

I'm just making some burgers right now, as I haven't eaten all day.

Oh that syrup pastry thing, I compare it to croissants that have been dipped in syrup, sounds odd but it's nice for something obscure and different.

I would get it yearly as some pieces are a lil too sweet but the international store usually sells out of things and doesn't replace them.

I probably won't see them again but it's nice as a treat. I should probably wait to post this until after I've spoken to her.

But really what's the point? We all know how this is going to end, she's been determined from the start to torture me and take what I have.

Everyone I've spoken too, says the same thing, be comforted knowing you've tried your best and she's being unnecessarily difficult.

I was even trying to tell myself last night, to let all this tension go and clear my mind, but it didn't work.

Oh and I spoke to Mama and she said she's borrowing money she can't afford to take the trip in March, which I can't fully understand, leaving yourself short.

But it is to see her Grandchild so that's special, even under the circumstances.

The other thing she mentioned was the underhanded tactics of the survey companies.

Where you get paid a measly amount for filling in surveys to give your opinion.

These companies, seem to hate paying people and find excuses to avoid it and bar good people from their services.

It happened to me, it happened to her. The latest scam is OnePoll.

They blocked her account and said some nonsense about her having multiple profiles and they need photographic evidence, multiple pictures of herself, holding some identification.

Or some crap. She's a pensioner, it's difficult for her to grasp certain things like uploads or downloads.

It's just an excuse not to payout and gather sensitive information, probably to spam her email!!

Disgusting behaviour. Toluna was another one, that didn't payout, but there were a lot of others too.

It put me off them.

Well the phone was charged, I took another deep breath, bit the bullet and called her.

This time she eventually answered and I explained that the report came out the same way, she was surprised and said that she needs to talk to her supervisor.

That they will go through it, she will call me back at some point to discuss what happens next.

Good heavens, I wish she had just said, all of the above, right you're finished, we're taking over your Paypal, it's done.

Now it's more nervous waiting. But again I've done everything possible.

I think this requires a pep talk, so bear with me.

This has been a really scary frustrating time in my life. I've been terrified and overwhelmed and wanting answers.

I've wanted to cry endlessly and curl up into a ball and give up.

I've wanted to pretend it's all going to work out in my favour.

I've wanted to ignore it and wish it was a mistake.

I did deal with it though. I contacted her with updates, I filled in the paperwork,

I went to the library over and over. I spoke to Paypal time and time again.

I really did do everything possible, that she asked and I put up with her shitty attitude.

And yet this whole thing never draws to a close. It just stretches on and on, driving me crazy.

I'm so fed up, I'm sacrificing my savings, rather than dealing with her.

I think I'm way past my breaking point.

Things are not right in my head, there is all this mess so it doesn't feel natural to write fiction.

I think I'm just going to try and push past it and write a sentence or two.

At least I should try.

Stress seems great for the daily blog, not so helpful when it comes to writing feelgood fiction.

How can I write escapism, when I can't escape my mind??

#BlogLife817 - The burden of responsibility

Ugh what a day! The report still isn't ready. It is absolutely freezing outside and my stomach is in knots.

The advisor referred me to 2 bloody courses. One is probably an assessment on Friday and he mentioned using the stairs, which I'm not bloody doing, I feel dizzy and it really affects my movements.

He said if there is an issue to call him over but whatever happens I'm not putting my health at risk, sod them!

The other I'll see about, he sent me a message but I'm so exhausted, there wasn't a seat available on the bus so I stood and just felt really sickly.

That was quick, the food is on the way and I did get the 40% off. Even though I'm going off fish again, I don't mind it in sushi form.

I don't really have an appetite as such but to keep my strength up and to stop me feeling worse, I will munch a bit when it arrives.

I also topped up my oyster and I had enough energy to visit my favourite international store.

I'm so pleased that the Christmas Radox bath soaks were in stock as I'm completely out.

I bought two and some of those dil crisps. Plus a sprite to calm my tummy.

I also wanted something sweet and saw something new, syrup puff pastry thingys.

I wonder if it will be sticky and messy to consume? I am done munching for the day.

That was really good. The dessert is probably like a tame baklava.

I've never tried it before but that might have nuts or fruit added?

It is really messy and sticky and not as sweet as you might think. Very tasty and simple with just the syrup added.

I'm glad I tried it, now I just have to put away the clothes and keep sipping my drinks while the anti nausea video plays.

I read the message from the advisor, lord he's an idiot!! I told him repeatedly that I followed the link he gave me, applied and was rejected and he was like Yea, yea, yea but I want you to apply for this course.

Dumbass! I did already! So I'm going to tell him that in 2 weeks. Yeesh, the only thing half decent about him, was that he said, Do tell him if the courses aren't relevant and helpful and he wouldn't mind.

I still feel obligated because anytime you said No to something it's like Omg, we have an excuse to sanction her, woohoo, let's put a strike against her and halt payments, yipee!!!

I'll attend the Friday nonsense course, and I hope they insist I go upstairs or that I fail it, normally IT courses require Maths and that is a weak spot for me.

I hate studying. I just struggle with the information retaining inside my head, it just disappears or I have immense trouble deciphering it.

I'm not looking to do anything where I feel like a complete idiot. I can't believe they haven't done the Paypal report, what the hell is going on.

Ugh I want to get rid of this stress but everything just keeps piling on to it.

At least today I ate properly, yesterday there wasn't much consumption but I finished off the salmon avocado sushi and maybe will eat again later or just snack as I'm still really full.

#BlogLife816 - A million ways to say exhausted

Good morning all. It's just gone 11amish and I woke up early for the groceries but actually had a nice deep sleep.

I can't recall what I was dreaming about but basically everything was in stock, they just changed the brand of wipes, which is fine.

I tried the Nando's garlic perinaise, it's quite garlicky but the spice only tingles on the tongue, mind you, I only sampled a small fraction of it.

Maybe I should have gotten the non garlic. I thought they would have only used a hint of it.

When I had it in a sandwich, it was much less potent and blended in more naturally so I would recommend it.

Anyway even though I sat down and rested halfway through unpacking, I feel stretched out and lifeless.

Lots of muscle ache and no energy, although I did take out the bins too. I have no appetite yet so I'll wait until lunchtime to eat properly as my stomach is churning and standing up, I feel quite weak.

I didn't get anymore juices, I've gone back to water. I've chopped and filed my nails once again as they were starting to chip.

Oh yea and yesterday and today I checked to see if the paypal report was ready and nope, nothing.

I'll either chase it up today or on Monday. I'm going to miss having savings.

I hate the thought of buying on credit but certain things are essential and I do budget carefully.

I finished watching Lockerbie about the Pan Am flight and what really happened.

It was interesting and based on true events, I wonder what aspects were exaggerated?

I also saw Lick, a new Passionflix film. A very typical storyline about a couple who get drunk and married and faces the consequences later on.

But actually it was pretty good how it unfolded. Too much foul language but it was a slow burning story of getting to know someone.

I never understand how people can do that in real life, so drunk that you marry a complete stranger?

You're forever tied to that person, their debts, their past..... That's just weird. Marriage is a big serious commitment.

Anyway I also re-watched Christmas on the coast about the unhappy robotic writer who travels back home and re-connects with everyone.

That really was an enjoyable movie. I guess that's why it stuck in my mind because growing up, she felt like an outsider also.

She struggled making connections and staying fresh and churning out vibrant stories.

I worry about nor being interesting. I worry about not being consistent.

I would like to be an entertaining writer with a mixture of lightheartedness and cold bitter truths.

But mostly I just end up sharing what I'm stressed about. I need a new tv show to get into.

But before that, I need to write some fiction, some romance, even if it is just make believe, it will make me feel good.

Oh and my face has gone extremely dry. I don't know if it's from winter or the mask but I'm applying moisturiser a few times a day.

It's now Monday afternoony and I feel wretched, This nausea is just coming and going.

I feel weak and drained. I think it's pmt or stress sickness as I never feel like this at Mama's.

For the final time I checked with Paypal and no report so I have to call them either after I get ready or when I get back from my UC appointment.

I still had some time to kill, I didn't oil my hair. I wanted it to have some volume, although it looks flat to me.

Paypal said they are sending the report within a day, Hmm, yes I've heard that before.

He was acting really weird, said he would have to check if it's possible and then had me on hold for ages.

I'm not sure what I would have done if he denied me the statement, probably stressed that DWP need it urgently.

I just had a look and it seems like they have rectified the sushi menu and it's 40% off today so by the time I get back, I'll probably be hungry.

If the corrupt government is going to take all my savings, I'll just use some of it, while I am still able.

That will be the last of my inheritance all gone. At least my stomach has stopped lurching.

And I had time to do my makeup, bit of perfumed foundation, moisturiser, dark purple and a light pinkish sweep over the brow.

I don't know why I'm yawning, I slept alright, although, the shoulder or arm pain is getting vicious.

And it's probably just from carrying the laptop or groceries, nothing strenuous, just routine chores.

But stuff affects my body, worse than ever now. These injuries are becoming more and more regular.

#BlogLife815 - I can't say, I can't explain, I don't like myself

I'm going to be petty and add this last bit from Yesterday's post as I want to get all the negativity out.

I am worried about my physical and mental health now. The heated blankie helps me recover that much faster and I have the latest mystery pain at the moment.

My left shoulder is hurting from doing any sort of stretching with it.

And of course being able to write is also very beneficial. It means that I'm not drowning in emotions, I can share what's on my mind and deal with it.

In the past I have shut down completely and it hasn't turned out well.

I've now eaten some sandwiches and feel calmer. The chicken and rice didn't appeal at all. It was a dull flavour.

Anyway I think when I was preparing the food and able to think rationally..

I found myself pretty angry that I was feeling forced to apologise over and over to her, that she couldn't hear me.

I even said Good morning, having checked the time and she laughed at my respectful politeness and repeated it.

That is the way I was raised to be courteous to others and she's continually being nasty or sarcastic and I have to put up with it!!!

I feel crummy and let down with myself because I can't confront her and be equally rude as she holds all the cards.

I guess I'm feeling like a doormat and not proud of myself that I'm unable to say, I'm a human being with feelings, could you readjust your attitude as it is horrendous and you should be ashamed of yourself!

It just reminds me of other times with friends, family, acquaintances that mistreated me and for various reasons like fear, I stayed silent and took it.

Or I couldn't form an articulate response back and was worried about sounding pathetic and not justified and clever.

But again, it helps to explain and share these frustrations with you so Thank you for reading, listening and understanding or at least trying to meet me halfway, even if you don't quite get where I'm coming from.

I appreciate it all the same.

Sometimes I feel heaps better, my appetite comes and goes but I'm still feeling drained.

I did a grocery shop for tomorrow though. I'm going to do some homemade style burgers with various fillings.

And for some strange reason I decided to try out Nando's garlic perinaise sauce.

It's £3.50 a 465g bottle, I always like the garlic and herb sauces. I like mayonnaise so maybe a combination will be tasty.

I hope it's not too spicy but maybe the heat will flush out the remaining cold?

I do like sriracha but the one I tasted before was really mild. I'm also going to try the linguine but dump the prawns as I can't stand those.

And I'm happy that the huge Lil duck max kitchen towels are back in stock as well as the creamy chicken bakes, those were both really high quality, so I stocked up.

#BlogLife814 - Witch called, Suspension imminent!

Well it's been crazy so far and it's only lunchtime. I haven't had a moment to eat or drink, my voice is cracking and coming and going.

I was kinda sleeping off and on this morning and then the asmr stopped so I thought ok, the battery on the earbuds have died, it's probably time to get up.

I looked at the phone and saw an incoming call from Witchy, let's refer to her as.

Of course my voice is even more croakier, first thing and I'm trying to explain to her that I'm getting over the flu or whatever it is and she's saying no it's your phone reception.

I can barely hear you, call me back, you sound as though you're in a tunnel, it's not your flu. Which was exceptionally rude!

The latest report you sent is the same as the previous, it's not balance affecting, it's all transactions and it's not what I requested.

I don't want to suspend your account but I will if I don't get what I want!

Go back to the library and do another printout before 2 weeks are up!!

At this point half asleep, I'm not even sure what account she is referring to, Paypal? Universal Credit? Bank?

So I tried to explain that I took all the steps, tried to do it manually, have called Paypal directly and asked for the rolling balance statements but they keep giving me all transactions and I said I would try to do it again.

She scoffed at "try." As though I haven't already been jumping through hoops to get her the information, she supposedly needs.

Through illness, chronic pain, exhaustion, going to the library several times, waiting around trying to get help.

Forking out £33 plus £63 so nearly a hundred quid just to get the printouts and stamps and envelopes to give information that she's gotten over and over.

But somehow is dissatisfied with. I decided to get up properly and get dressed and call Paypal first.

Well actually I tried to do the report manually again and that didn't work and now it was only available from the 16th not the 1st January.

Anyway, that didn't work, invalid date range, once again. I called Paypal and once again explained I wanted the rolling balance, balance affecting report as DWP needs it.

She was furious when I said they've threatened to close my account.

She was like They can't do that! Nobody can! I said it's DWP, it's the Government, they can do what they like and I'm sick of stressing, I don't care anymore.

During all this, my voice is disappearing, I can barely talk, but she's nice in the fact that, she can still understand me and sympathises.

She said Look, this report is simple and is designed to be opened in excel spreadsheet to see the balance.

You've requested it a few times and it's going to be the same thing.

I told her, Thanks for your help but I'm killing myself going to the library back and forth as she won't accept a file.

The representative was like, well that's the best way to view it, you shouldn't have to go to the library.

Once again I said I'm just trying to cooperate with her and give everything she asks of me.

I can't do anymore than that, even though her attitude stinks and she is acting like I'm purposely being evasive and as though I can't be bothered to do it.

So I thanked the Paypal agent again for her kindness and help, she said, it will be there in 24 hours.

I called the Wtchy back and just told her every single thing. Finally she said Oh, I don't know why Paypal are being difficult.

I really need the balance affecting statement and it's just not sufficient, the all transactions one.

(Oh and even the customer agent from Paypal said, I don't know why on earth she isn't accepting the all transactions one, it's basically the same thing)!!

Exactly!!!

Anyway so I said I'm just waiting on it but chances are it might come out as the all transactions one.

She said That's not good, that's not what I need. In the end I said Would you like me to ring you when it comes through?

She said Yes do that as soon as possible and then once that happens, a verdict is going to be made.

That's my news, I could transfer all the money from Paypal into my Bank account.

That just seems underhanded and sneaky. I don't want to do that.

I could just send a partial amount but again, I think they are monitoring it closely, I'm glad I withdrew at least some of it before now.

I can justify it. It is literally for all the bills increasing, tax, heating, phone, water, plus groceries etc.

She's definitely spiteful enough to block my account and probably empty it.

I can see her happily doing that. I was hoping for a better outcome, a small fine, no jail time.

But all this is making me sicker and depressed and stressed and if it is finally coming to an end..

Where she will not be on my back, she won't harass me further and won't make me spend more money and cripple myself in the library..

Then so be it! I won't be happy but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I'm going to miss being able to take a taxi to see Mama. I don't know if I can afford that.

I'm also going to miss being able to afford a takeout when I'm too physically ill to move or I'm beyond exhausted and it's a luxury.

Plus the laptop and heated blankie won't last forever, they will need replacing eventually as they are old.

The only silver lining, apart from peace of mind, as this has been hanging over me since October of last year.

Will be as soon as she takes over my Paypal money and account.

I can then send screenshots to UC and say, Hi Howdy, this is new information but I no longer have any Paypal savings.

DWP has seized it and I have proof that they have to accept. As I will show the new balance of ZERO!!!

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I can relax. I'm going to eat some chicken and rice and update Mama later.

I hope the younger sibling is choking on his laughter, pleased with himself.

The older one was maybe reported also but seems like, there are no consequences to his actions either, it's just me being punished.

Well that seems fair. I am after all the horrible one. Yep sound about right.

The almost good get punished and the evil can do as they please because nobody holds them accountable, ever!

Hopefully tomorrows post is a bit lighter or you might have to wait for next week or month for me to be in a better mood.