#BlogLife837 - Phone moi

I think I gave up too easily with the phone renewal thingy. I'm just going to keep calling until I find a deal I can live with because every time I call they seem to reduce it, so why not.

I think it's about £19 I'm paying for the month so that or less is maybe doable.

There is no way I am paying more especially with the price hike of £4 maybe?

I can only chance it and call but I'm not really in the mood to haggle at present.

Today was me and Mama's pedicure, that was glorious, massage chair whirring, scrub and cream massages.

No real foot massage but I can live with that, they seemed to be short staffed so bit of a rush job, with one woman catering to us both.

Today the pains were pretty bad, it was just creeping everywhere, so even sitting was horrible.

And changing was excruciating, it felt like I was tearing my arms off.

But I wore the new blue top, it fits so roomily, I might go a size down if I get the reds.

It's not baggy just loose and drew a few compliments from Mama and the salon lady.

Ugh I went into the kitchen to put the leftovers away and forgot to get some cold water.

Haha visually there was no hot totty about, they always seem to come around, when I'm looking my scruffiest not when I'm polished.

Today I experimented with a bluey purply eyeshadow over a reddy pink shade, not too bad.

And me and Mama treated each other, she bought me jalebis and ladoos, indian super sweet desserts as unfortunately the pakoras were sold out.

And they keep acting as though they don't want to sell it to us. Twits!

And I bought us lunch, well breakfasty, she had a full english, minus pork, chips, beans, eggs, mushrooms and I munched some of her fries.

I had about one or two bites of my chicken wrap and felt full and kinda sickly so I just drank the appletiser and packed the rest away.

I should have asked them to put mayo, it seems kinda dry but the wrap itself is like bread and roti had a baby, tasty.

Mama laughed at that, she's preparing for her upcoming trip. I'm keeping my reservations to myself.

I guess the one thing I don't like about this cafe is that the foo quality is inconsistent, where other places are good all the time.

I recall last time the wrap was really flavourful and wasn't dry but the bread itself was just average.

Now this time it is the opposite, why can't it be the same all the time?

I mean't to epilate both my legs but the epilator died and when it charged up, I forgot to do the other leg ha.

It's just light fuzz and not much of it now. It's lovely and sunny today, compared to yesterday's rain but I still feel horrible.

The cramps will not let up, I experienced them when I was trying to sleep this morning.

I should eat but my appetite is non existent, it might help to settle my tummy though as it's 3pm and I haven't consumed anything all day.

Normally I would do an Iceland shop for tomorrow but I'm going to leave it for the weekend as the freezer and fridge isn't quite empty yet.

As predicted still nothing from H and I'll leave it until Sunday night as that will have been 5ish days and that's plenty to reach out, if he so chooses.

There's not a chance in hell but I feel better giving that extra time.

I'm taking a break from the cleaning. I'm not up to it at all. What I want to do is find someone else to occupy my mind.

But I value quality over quantity. It's easy to get chitchat but it's way more difficult to find someone truly engaging that has a brain above the waist.

And that's what I'm looking for, although to be honest. I don't even want that, I think I want to wallow, just be sickly and have comfort food or watch my cheesy shows and forget about life and stress and drama and being ignored.

I hope your weekend is a lot cheerier than mine. Monday might be late as I have a meeting.

I'll see how I feel. When I return home, I'm going to be shattered and want to eat and relax and get away from the pains.

#BlogLife836 - Closure for real this time

I did a silly thing. I haven't been able to distract myself from thinking about H.

I want answers and closure that I'm not going to get. Did I block him too soon?

2 and a half days of being blanked doesn't seem it but what if something happened?

I decided even though it's a waste of time unblocking, I would do it anyway.

It's only been from Monday lunchtime to Tuesday 10pmish. Only 2 days.

But he might have been trying to get in contact, highly unlikely, he doesn't chase and nor do I.

Pride goeth before a falleth. I miss the days where you could block someone and check to see if they called, even though it didn't go through.

Plus you could sneakily read the texts they sent, even if they weren't in your inbox.

Ha! I loved that feature even though it's now gone. It was handy in case there was a misunderstanding or you weren't sure you did the right thing.

I'm feeling pretty awful today, hence why whichever post is going to go up late.

It's been all day hard crampage, ugh, so as I thought there's so far been no texts from him.

Either he gave up and contacted me prior or is hurt that he thinks I tried to end it, or more likely was looking for an excuse to distance himself and I gave him a reason.

I'm going with the last one but by doing this, I'll maybe give it one last week or less and see if he tries to message me.

And if he doesn't then I'll know I tried everything and it still didn't work.

I'm definitely not going to call/text and be ignored for a third time! Nopity nope!

I call myself ruthless but he upped me, he didn't even chase it up to see if I was serious, that's harsh.

By the weekend or next week I'll just know either way. Nobody likes game playing but he and I were just doing it playfully and it backfired on both of us.

Part of me thinks he's winding me up and staying away on purpose for revenge and just to get me to plead with him to get in touch or apologise..

But that's not my style, the other part thinks he obviously doesn't give a damn.

There is also a slim chance, one day I'll bump into him on chat, we'll clear the air, one way or another.

Normally I would tell them if they're unblocked, which is a rarity but as he's not talking to me, there isn't any point.

In the last few messages that was what was conveyed. I'm playing hard to get, I love winding you up etc etc.

It wasn't malicious, we were kidding around about things, hence why I pretended to end things.

It was supposed to be haha I win, I get the last word. If he's like this for a fake fight, what would he be like for a genuine one?

Yikes! Oh and the other thing was, he wanted us to come up with a story together.

We ran some ideas together he liked the idea of the boss/employee type but I've done that before.

Plus we had different ideas on how it would unfold. I don't think it would have blossomed anywhere.

He thought by combining our skills, it would be easier but I don't think it would have.

I guess I need to be on the same page as someone I'm collaborating with..

I thought maybe I'll come up with something new and dedicate to him, we'll see.

I feel fried and horrible today. All the randoms seem to think it's easy to compose stories.

And that I should stick to unclean fiction but there are reasons why I can't do that, not even in fiction can I go there...

Goodbye H, been nice knowing you. A soft spot for you remains but I'm only letting people close to me, that want to be there, not those that don't or feel obligated to stay.

There was something special about you, vulnerable, tough, open, caring, sweet, hilarious and a true communicator. 

Full sentences, full conversations, opinions of your own and topics readily to hand.

I don't think we ever stuttered or said, Now what do we talk about? There was no awkward silences, it just flowed.

You're going to be hard to replace, but replace you I will.

But to put it out there, I did like and care about you, not something I admit or feel that often but I did for you.

-X- -x- - X- 

Ps just to get you out of my system completely, I even did the kiss of death thing.

I added you to my contacts, whenever I do that, it's always followed by a big fallout, well we've had that so all that is left is continued radio silence and I can breathe easily, knowing I did my part to save us.

Then I can start to forget about you and move on to someone else, that's hopefully not going to affect me as much.

Also maybe that thing that you like and I don't actually was a dealbreaker..

#BlogLife835 - Let's face it

Ugh I was hoping the knock on the door was the Postie, but no it was from the landlord, one of those Surveyors, actually 2, which unnerved me.

Talking about an appointment to look around, draw a map, take photographs.

I sooo hope they don't need to come into the bedroom, I cringe so hard, I just feel scared,

Male workers seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to make inappropriate comments or barge in and it freaks me out.

Umm nope, I need to tidy up first, put the laundry away. I told them to come back another time, I didn't know anything about it.

They took it well and said they will send me another meeting time and I'll deal with it then.

I finished the Eveline wash, it wasn't bad it was just tiny. Now I am onto the Fixderma.

It's a clear gel, smells nice and orangey, quite thick though and has beads, ugh, didn't realise that.

It washes off ok though considering the awkwardness and it does leave my face soft.

You do need a moisturiser afterwards, my skin feels pretty stripped.

The Glow wash and the tops I guess are still on the way. I finally decided to give the chocolate custard a try....

Hilarious, it's Ambrosia Ready chocolate custard pots, 2x 120g £1.60 I don't know if it was on offer.

The size is fine, the cost is a lil steep but the taste is nothing like custard at all, not even a lil bit.

It's just chocolate yoghurt, that's all it is. I thought it would be something cute and different to try but nope, false advertising.

I mean it was really creamy and tasty but not what it was supposed to be, so disappointed.

Now that the Neutrogena moisturiser is all used up, I am onto the Astral face cream.

It's a big tub, the price was expensive but it's quite a good size, thick and on the greasy side.

It smells nice too, generic perfumey but nice.

It's definitely a winter cream. It's what my face needs at the moment.

I might only use this once a day though. Oof I'm shattered. I checked through my old post I had forgotten to read and did find the appointment letter for the Surveyors, so not scammers trying to gain entry.

It's official from the landlord, I still don't see the point of it but I made my peace with it.

For safety reasons if they do need to see my bedroom, I will not be in the room.

I'm going to wait outside. It's just too much of a freak out, to have 2 grown men and me alone in a room, actually in my home.

I've been worrying nonstop and keep waking up fretting about it but it's mandatory so no choice.

I just hope it doesn't take an hour as predicted. I'm going to be in a lot of pain and tired from standing all that time.

I cannot to be seated with strangers roaming around nearby.

This is one of my worst nightmares but anyway, I'm going to try and keep it in perspective, they just have a job to do and I have to cope with it as best as I can.

I've made a start on tidying. I've mopped all the floors but my bedroom.

I'm exhausted. It's only 4.30pmish and I've eaten so I don't want to go back in the kitchen until it dries.

I have to wipe down the bath and sink, mop the bedroom floor, change the duvet, empty the bins.

Put away the washing and then I'm done. That can wait until tomorrow, I don't want to move.

I love that washing up scent, fruity, strawberries maybe? It's been 2 and a half hours, floors are still damp ugh, will leave them until morning now.

For touch-ups I normally get some old clothes or rags, wet it with hot water, bleach and just wipe around and that seems to be easier.

My body is not a fan of bending but it works better than the mop.

There's no sign of a new appointment. However the DWP bank consent form arrived, so I signed it and posted it today.

Come hell, what may.....

#BlogLife834 - I'm not his or his type, I'm my own type

I've been conversing with H he's new. We've just about swapped names, no numbers or emails.

But we talk every night although it's only been a few times.

I don't really remember when we first started.

He's asked for the blog link, I declined, then for a photo, I said I was too uncomfy.

And that I understood that was most assuredly a deal breaker..

But No he surprised me and said he would wait.

Now tonight he said he wouldn't mind getting together for a coffee.

I didn't shoot that idea down, even though my stomach would be in knots.

I would agonise over my outfit. What if we didn't get along in person?

What if he's married or cruel or hates me on sight?

I have all these thoughts running around, not letting me sleep.

He thinks we'll stay in touch, if it doesn't work out and there's no connection.

But I tend to dismantle whatever was built up and walk away.

It's not going to feel the same knowing the sparkle has left us and floated away.

What if it does turn out swimmingly? He sees my photo and doesn't reject me?

Then my problem becomes, How do I let my guard down?

How do I trust and open up and learn to lean on someone..

Knowing that when I've done that previously it blows up in my face repeatedly.

I'm either told, Wait actually I'm just in it for sex, I'm married, I want you to be different/good enough so I can accept you.

Stop being so independent, tell me everything so I can judge you, approve or disapprove of your choices.

Don't you think you're milking being ill, surely you can do more.

Smile more, let's see you make an effort to be cheerful.

Devote your time to me unconditionally but at the same..

Don't you for one minute, think I'll do the same for you.

I need you, when I decide but the rest of the time, consider yourself useless and this friendship/relationship/acquaintanceship I can take or leave.

And that's just the emotional side of things.

The physical.. Well..

I'm safe online but offline, I'm ice cold. I don't know how to act normal.

A hug means something different to me.

It's facing danger. It's pretending I'm okay with what happens next.

The potential groping. The hands that wander while I die inside.

I can't move away fast enough. There was no warning.

I wasn't prepared. I am trapped in hell.

And all this is from just a simple embrace.

If I can't deal with that, how can I possibly deal with the rest of it?

And how do I tell someone I'm dating about my past?

Hey You Stranger, Well aside from being ill that will progressively gets worse..

I have self esteem issues, sometimes I'm ok and other times I don't like myself.

How do you casually slip it into a conversation? I had a traumatic childhood which resulted in losing all of my expression.

My walls that I've built up to armour myself are sky high, even I don't know how to dismantle them.

Also I don't like being touched.

Also I don't trust anyone but myself.

Also if something's up, good or bad, You won't be my first contact.

Because I always strive to help myself so that I look strong and capable.

And if it's something good, I don't feel I can rush to tell you because I'm always being made to feel unwanted.

A pest, a nuisance and undesirable presence.

Lastly to put it out there and be completely honest. I'm still reeling from being physically/emotionally hurt.

I don't know how to just forget or get over it. It's a big part of me.

That I don't want to talk about, with anyone!

So what do I do now? Go back to the shadows, where invisibility is my home?

It's safe, it's natural, it's just so much easier.

It's just no longer satisfying as I continue to evolve.

Still me, but now sharing all my scars and hoping to heal some day.

This blog is too much of an open heart, that's just to vulnerable, to let it be seen by someone I know.

A potential romantical interest, has no business knowing all of my anguished thoughts, they are private!

Ugh I need sleep.

Just to be clear in why I stayed around these people, some didn't say the above directly, I read between the lines.

I guess for the rest, I was hoping they would eventually like me for me, see my potential and accept me.

Or even put in the same effort as I did, rooting for it to work out, so they wouldn't lose me.

And then I would know for sure, somebody out there, cared about me, not because of what they could get out of me, but because I was worthy of it.

A strange update on H, we progressed to texting and he didn't mention phonecalls yet, so I let that slide.

But over the weekend while he was texting, I got a weird text from unknown number, that just said Lol.

That's not the start of a chat, that's the middle of one, I looked through my blocked contacts and didn't see that number anywhere.

I asked H, if he texted me from a new number and he said No. 

I can't help but wonder if he texted me accidentally and didn't want me to have his other number?

Or could it be a genuine wrong number text? Anyway let's cast that aside, I just blocked it because no other message came through explaining it.

On Friday we were both kinda messing around, winding each other up, no big deal, harmless fun.

But then I thought I would be extra wicked and just pretend to end it so I said the usual parting shot.

As he was saying Goodnight, I said Goodbye, have a nice life.

My usual breakup speech. As I had been kinda working up to that, I thought he would've said something funny in response.

Like...... You can have custody of the sofa but I get the cushions, I don't know lol, but he didn't say anything at all.

I figured Hey, maybe he didn't see it and is sleeping. Saturday comes around, still nothing.

I texted him in the afternoon and still nothing so either he assumes, I really wanted to part company or he's being equally evil and Monday will just say something like..

Were you worried? Did you regret leaving me etc.. I do find it weird he hasn't contacted me.

Does he really think I'm serious? We've been getting along pretty well.

 I do enjoy his company so far, he's got the mixture of joking and serious so it's kinda easy to be in any mood with him.

Plus he's usually the first to initiate texts. I've texted him twice with no response, I'm not doing a third.

I'm almost tempted to just randomly call and say Boo, but I got this odd feeling he wouldn't answer.

So the ball is in his court and if he can't take a joke or pretend rejection and doesn't want to hang out anymore, then so be it.

It all seems ridiculous to me. It's more to do with us speaking daily, whether or not we're both busy, that's what gets me.

Maybe he is just juggling a lot? Do I regret texting what I did? Nope because I'm a jokester, it's what I do, what is life without humour?

If on Monday, I have to scream Nextttt, then so be it. I will block and move on.

I did like him a fair bit though, this one is gonna sting for a bit. I mean if I really was trying to boot him, I wouldn't have texted him on Saturday.

Maybe he's trying to wind me up by playing hard to get or actually, I've just realised, maybe he's relieved.

I mean that would explain things. I'm just guessing, I've no clue but the only thing that makes sense, is that he prefers me out of his life.

He didn't object or chase me and I'm not pursuing someone that clearly isn't interested.

Or maybe he thinks I was going to badger him repeatedly, feed his ego to talk to me??? Hell no!

I just blocked him it's past 12pm and today, just seems like he was more inclined to get in touch, as he kept saying Monday morning we'll talk, I'll take the day off etc etc..

I can breathe now because I was just phone watching all weekend and all of today.

Driving myself crazy and I realise, that I was the one that started this and maybe without knowing, it was a test..

But the results are crystal clear, apathy. He's not bothered either way, even though it was a week of closeness because we did talk a lotttttt.

I think we got on fine, laughed a lot, shared a bit, we were sometimes silly, other times serious.

I'm going to miss him as he kept me interested. I wasn't bored at all and we barely gave each other space.

Which isn't healthy and I don't mind them being preoccupied but being ignored on purpose, I have a problem with that.

He could have easily said, I'm dealing with pressing matters, I'll be in touch next week.

Going from talking every day to silence, is just unnatural. I have to stop waffling on.

I just wanted to get him out of my system for good. I'm just not ready to say Goodbye though, even though I blocked him for my sanity.

It's horrible to look at the phone and wish it would pop up with a call or a message, from someone you actually want to hear from.

Then with a sinking feeling, you realise that's never going to happen again ugh :(

I should eat but I have no appetite and I'm cramping. You know what it is?

It's an unsatisfying conclusion, something that had potential or wasn't apparently ready to fizzle out yet..

But it did end prematurely, just on my part, not his. Oh Postie arrived with goodies..

I might be publishing late tomorrow, I'm going for a pedicure with Mama and I'm not sure if we're going for an early lunch too.

#BlogLife8833 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 17 - Bridget Jones 4

I was searching for something new to watch and up it popped, Bridget Jones 4, I wasn't sure what to expect.

I didn't see any spoilers or watch any trailers, I wanted to be surprised at the developments.

Hmm we gained Hugh/Daniel back and lost Darcy/Colin. I hate that.

There seem to be even less laughs than the third installment. She's still enduring judgemental dinners.

Still romanticising, every guy to be perfect for her. Why would you date someone that much younger?

Why would you rush it, knowing this is your first date in 4 years? She still isn't thinking anything through, will she ever grow up?

And flipping hell I wish she would fix her damn hair! She maybe digging the younger guy, half her age, but we all know she'll end up with the rule stickler, the teacher.

I kinda wish she would pick someone more free spirited, less uptight, less perfectish.

This is the worst film in the franchise to date. I don't recommend it, maybe it will get better.

I'm halfway through. So he just ghosted her? After saying I wish I had a time machine?

But I mean really, she is twice his age with 2 young kids, was it ever going to be serious? Noooooooooo!

Just block and move on! Does she ever learn? Trying an experimental lip serum?

Now she looks like a damn puffer fish! You're a Mama now, come on think!!

Not even the return of Hugh Grant could save this trainwreck. It was depressing, disappointing and a snooze fest.

Don't waste 2 hours of your life watching it. I don't know why, it just annoys me.

Maybe because I was looking for growth and maturity and it's just the same floundering.

I constantly feels like she's looking for a guy to save her instead of embracing a lil independence.

And with the men that were there, it just lacked chemistry. It was a film, I wanted to get lost in and feel warm and fuzzy.

Instead I raced through it, pleading for it to be over.

#BlogLife832 - Witchcraft - You owe owe owe

Well well well. I finally got another call from the Witch herself. She admitted this is dragging on from October and that as I'm not co-operating and not giving her the answers she wants, she's turning it over to be escalated.

I can only give her what I'm able too. The Paypal statements such as they are.

She's making out like I've told her to Get lost and I won't do anything she asks but it's the opposite.

I've wrecked my body in pain and exhaustion, trying to get everything she asks done, within the deadlines, while putting up with her abusive attitude.

I mean I've thought it but I've maintained civility and always been polite, not matter how rude and misleading she has been.

How she expects me to remember details of decades ago is beyond me, I barely recall what happened yesterday, let alone a lifetime ago.

Anyway this time, she didn't mention anything about blocking my Paypal account that she was threatening to do.

So maybe she doesn't have the authority to do it, like the Paypal representative told me.

It would be a relief to know I still have access to it, she didn't mention jail time, just a likelihood of there being a repayment action forthcoming, which I expected.

I just don't know the thousands of bankruptable amount that I will owe to them.

So thankfully I do not have to go to the flipping library and print out anymore 100's of printouts.

She said she'll send me a note for official permission, I mean she asked me for access to my bank accounts, past and present and I said Of course you have it.

I don't exactly have a choice and my suspicion is, as she drags this out for even longer..

At the end of this month it will be 5 months of harassment and threats and depression, to get answers that I've given time and time again, that she deems inadequate....

When in fact she knows facts and figures anyway, has probably already contacted the bank/paypal to get the answers she seeks.

But to torture me, she just keeps calling and calling and asking me impossible questions.

Such as Oh why did you even open up a Paypal account in the first place and how much was the balance at the time?

How the hell do I know???? It was decades ago, I was a teenager.

I didn't even know what Paypal was, I did it to use Ebay and stretch the savings, to cover my expenses, plus I'm ill, online shopping is essential.

Again she asked my Paypal balance and she remarked Oh it's climbed down, and I said yes I transferred some over to the current account as I don't want to be overdrawn, and the bills are climbing.

She seemed satisfied with that, which is the truth, the bills just seem like they are doubling.

The laptop is old, the microwave is old, the blankie is old, all these will need replacing at some point.

So she'll send me a letter, I'll sign and return it and then we'll see what other madness, interrogation, tiresome bs, she asks me to do next.

Oh and the other thing she keeps harping on about was when my ex brother reported me, he picked a random number 30k.

So she keeps mentioning that specific detail and I don't recall that much ever being in Paypal.

I'm just remembering something, when I was kicked out, my place wasn't ready, so I was living in a hotel.

I tried to find a place to rent but it was pricey so the hotel it was, while my savings depleted.

Then I think maybe a few weeks or months later when I moved in, I was billed for the previous tenant's expenses.

Energy, rent arrears, there was loads of costs, that was not my responsibility, that I had to account for.

At least the energy bills, I was refunded for because I had to put the wooden floors in, blinds, furniture, pay for labour and materials.

Pay Mama back because she covered my expenses while I was in hospital, I was still on crutches then.

I don't recall when I was released from hospital but the pain was still excruciating.

I was still struggling to walk and plagued by panic attacks.

I had to pay for cleaners. I think bailiffs actually knocked on the door and I explained I was the new tenant and they left.

Then I was paying the full rent amount, plus the other bills, water, taxis, phone, broadband, tax, tv, landline, groceries..

Eventually the inheritance over the years got used up. There's probably £6 left in total from the early 2000s and that's it.

I'm guessing all of that and more will vanish before or maybe during Easter, unless she fancies dragging it on until Christmas again.....

Who knows? Like I said, I just want peace to try and take care of myself while my functionality decreases and the pain intensifies and takes over my body.

Let her do what she wants 2019 bank searches until present day.

I just have no energy to be hounded anymore. All I've ever tried to do is look after myself and take care of anything Mama needs.

I'm not going to apologise anymore. Let her finish me off and take away any hopes of helping myself.

I'm ready for the worst possible outcome. Pure unfiltered stressiness.

I just want to get on with my life, such as it is, put this behind me and try my damndest to re-budget and afford all the necessities like food and bills.

Sometimes it just feels like life is slipping away from me. I'm trying my best to be tough and the pain is just moving around.

My bust has been hurting, last night my hand was in agony. I don't want to rely on anyone else to function, to use my hands, to walk around.

But the more I try to do anything for myself, the less I can manage it.

I'v got pains from doing nothing at all, the hand pain comes from doing what? Holding my phone? Moving the laptop?

It's not even exertion anymore, it's just routine things. Alright, enough, I've had my pity party, cleared my mind.

I'll just deal with the fallout. I'm going to eat and I have a chat date ar 2pm but before that..

I'll probably work on more posts. There will be a post on H, the new random, later on.

#LetterLife2 - Who likes Vampires?

I'm not a fan of the supernatural, ghosts, witches, vampires, the occult, I've written about this theme before.

It's not my cup of tea. I did enjoy the original show Charmed though, because of the relationship dynamic and the fact that I always wanted sisters.

Anyway what I actually mean by the title is, Who likes needy people?

Sounds a bit different now, doesn't it? Not as exciting as before. I've come across a great many of these in my life.

They latch on to me and instead of having a broader view of life and the world and exploring it.....

I'm the only focus of their attention. Now as an introvert, you might say, well aren't you like that?

Thank heavens No I'm not, I only relish small moments of time with people, the rest is exhausting to me.

Most of these people I've found are unhappy and dissatisfied but unwilling to change anything about their circumstances.

Instead it's me me me, text, text, call, call, message, message and always something to complain about or lash out about.

No, no, no, that becomes tedious and draining almost immediately.

But instead of doing something, starting with small changes, like finding a way to increase their social circle, get therapy, or find a real purpose for their existence, they cling on to anyone new that enters their life and whinge endlessly about how stuck they feel.

I quickly distance myself from this unhealthy alliance, it's not for me because in the end, before I cut them off for good and say Goodbye......

I impart some wisdom, the Truth Hurts comes in to play, maybe it will help, if they take it in and listen.

Probably not though but at least I tried before I ran screaming away for oxygen!

I can't remember the speech I give but it's probably like this..

Dear X Friend,

We need to have a lil talk, well actually, you just need to listen. I have tried my utmost best to be a good friend, be supportive but honest and it's not working out.

People come and go into our lives, that's normal but you cannot stick to them like glue and expect them to save you.

At some point you need to wake up and help yourself. I know this sounds harsh but it's for your own good.

I believe in tough love. Although I've not had therapy myself, I have worked damn hard to open up and explore my problems and heal myself.

You need to do the same because you're miserable and don't seem to have a purpose that brings you peace and joy.

We all need that. I know it's difficult to put yourself out there but you're not even attempting it.

Start small, you could go for daily walks, join some clubs, take up studying, further explore your interests and passions.

See what free activities are local or go to the Park or Galleries or anything that's available to you.

Do what I did, start volunteering and/or find a mentor in the field that you're hoping to break into.

Set yourself a daily goal, make it doable. Inspire yourself each day to be a better person.

Work out what makes you tick, what you can't live without doing?

For me it's simply writing, being a creator and even that took time but I kept trying and eventually it took.

It wasn't easy or straightforward, I was very frustrated and had no faith in myself but in the end, I knew it was important and I didn't give up.

I kept at it and it paid off. I urge you to do the same because in your current state of depression, you're driving people away.

No-one can fix you But you! Be brave and bold and surprise yourself by doing something about your situation, right now, start today.

And if you do it, forget about me or anyone else being proud that you stepped up..

You'll be immensely proud of yourself that you got up off the floor and changed for the better.

That's all I have to say, you've always known what to do, it's time to get on with it and if you can't manage it, then get assistance, get counselling or friends/family to aid you.

There is no shame in getting help if you need it. In fact it's courageous and commendable.

Goodbye and good luck.

#BlogLife831 - Mash up

On my continued quest to try new products and review, I saw something interesting.

I'm not the biggest fan of mashed potatoes. I don't know why, I can have it in small doses and over Christmas it was great but generally speaking, I can leave without it.

However, I get sick of foods really easily so I thought what is a good filling side dish, that I haven't tried?

Reeva's instant mashed potatoes ha. They had a few varieties. It was 50p for a 40g pot and I got the butter and herbs and maybe the chicken one.

You're supposed to boil the water and then add it and stir and boom ready.

But I don't have a kettle so I fill it with cold water, shove it in the microwave for 4 minutes, leave it, return and all set.

My whole place smelled of butter ha. It's very indulgent, creamy, buttery, they could have scaled back on the butter.

It's tasty and probably high in calories but I'm just not sure I would buy it again.

Maybe it needs gravy? It's just too strong for me. The price is good, there is a lot inside.

But I'm struggling to even eat half. It's like eating butter. I'll stick to the potato pops, the mini roast potatoes, they are much nicer.

There wasn't much indoors so I decided on a different day to try the Reeva chicken version, holy moly what a difference.

It might sound a bit odd to have the chicken flavouring but actually this was sooo much better.

It wasn't overpowering, I even ate the whole thing, it was tasty. It just doesn't need a whole lot of butter and cream to make it good.

I think down the road, I might just opt for the plain version, if ever I want a lil snack.

As I was out of snacks, I did a mini Ocado zoom shop, they still have the lunch for a fiver so I got the egg sandwich, which seems like they've changed the recipe.

They had small leaves and I'm not normally a fan, but this had a flavour boost, it was simple but delicious.

Plus I got the accidental salted caramel twix, I assumed it was the plain version but nope, it was just sweeter than the normal, it's not my preference but wasn't as bad as I thought.

Two new things to try, I saw a Colombian coffee sponge roll 200g £2.40 and the Pizza Express dough balls.

I've always wanted to try them but wasn't sure if I would like them.

Tesco used to do these mini dumpling thingys. It was like small bready mini chunks, that were dry but moreish.

I haven't seen anything like it so I wonder if the dough balls are similar?

These have either a garlic dip or are made with garlic, I'm not too sure.

I am too stuffed to eat anything else, after the sandwich and twix.

I might be bloated because the cramps are continuing this week, although I don't feel sicky at the moment.

Still no sign of the Glow face wash but the Amazon tops are despatched, they predict it will arrive next week before the month ends.

I was just looking up when the UK's Mama's Day is here, it's at the end of March 30th to be precise.

I thought it would have been earlier. She's away on her trip, so might wait until she returns to put together something.

#BlogLife830 - Showcasing a smaller me

I did sleep a bit better last night, although from 4amish, I kept waking up checking the time as the Iceland delivery was due from 8am and they sometimes come earlier.

But no he was on time and everything was in stock. I bought more of the turkey bacon rashers, while they are on offer 2 for £3.50, they are £2.25 each and there is only 6 inside, but very tasty.

I just checked the post and the tape measure arrived, it's so small and retractable.

I put photos up on twitter but at the moment they are coming out blurry and I can't be bothered to re-take them.

Maybe I messed up the settings, although I don't really fiddle with those as I don't really understand them.

It was a late night, I was chatting to T, I don't think I've mentioned him and we just usually have a laugh talking about nonsense.

He mentioned having a phone chat but then he lost his nerve and suddenly said I'm abroad, Don't ask!

And I thought Oh how convenient, he's chickened out as I said If I call, it would be on witheld. I don't usually give my number out.

I thought, you brought up the phone chat and now you're backing off, lol.

There is a distinct lack of manhood these days and what is with the Don't ask bit?

I just had fun with that and asked if he was on the run? Had been deported or was hiding from a woman ha!

I actually thought he went off me as last time, he didn't greet me but maybe he left as I was coming on.

Anyway it was fine until the site kept crashing, he kept being disconnected and I think eventually he gave up and went to bed and this was 12amish maybe?

I spoke to another one on the phone and this was Monday or Sunday and he seemed ok aside from the whispering.

But then he started with the questions..... What are you wearing?

When was your last intimate encounter? The usual crap which turned me right off him.

He just seemed to assume we were going to have a flirty chat, when I said the opposite.

I haven't heard back since and I don't chase, I'm not really bothered about him

I'll end up blocking him tomorrow, if I don't hear anything. The one that really made me laugh and roll my eyes.

Was the one stating he cries at movies and is sensitive and then he said Oh I'm weird, that's just me.

So I agreed and said Well you are male, they tend to be that way and he got all offended haha!

Said he couldn't believe I said that, he brought it up and admitted it.

Dodo, I knew from then, he couldn't handle my sharp directness, too wimpy for my liking.

Sure, be in touch with your feelings, don't be a robot, but come on, if you're gonna mock yourself, don't expect that I won't also.

You opened the door to that and what I said wasn't mean, it was just agreeing, I mean men are oddballs.

They say one thing and mean another. What was he expecting? Me to defend him and say Awww pudding, you're not strange, you're macho.

Purleaseeee!

Ugh I took out a Prime trial on Amazon to avoid the postage costs and they still charged me.

But I got a mini discount, it's basically 2x tops for a tenner each but these are stunning.

I got a blue and a purple one. I had fun taking my new measurements.

I've lost a lot of inches overall. The tops were on clearance and they should be a bit roomy.

They were bigger than my actual size but it's always a guessing game as to whether they will fit.

The price was good though as is the style and I haven't seen anything else that appeals.

They might arrive at the end of the month. Slow standard delivery.

The only thing left to get here, is the other Glow face wash. There isn't any tracking on that.

I know it's not summer yet and I can still hide in my jacket and cover up my figure.

But I keep thinking about when I can't do that and have to reveal the more shapelier version of myself.

I really don't want any extra attention. The whole reason I sabotaged my weightloss journeys was to avoid that.

Maybe I have that body dysmorphia thingy, where you see yourself as bigger than you are.

I still feel hugely self conscious about my size, even though I'm smaller now.

It just doesn't register visually and probably in my brain too. I don't even feel comfortable revealing my dress size.

If I ever get down to a size 20 which is the goal, that just seems more acceptable to admit.

But then again even that just seems like a high number. I'm only referring to myself here, to everyone else, be comfortable in your size but also be true to yourself, if you're not.

From a Doctor's standpoint, I'm supposed to be a size 10 and I have been but to maintain it, I can't eat.

I know this and have lived it so for me, it's unhealthy. I think the same goes for size 12/14 also.

I was closely monitoring myself on the scale and as soon as I ate something I jumped up a size or half and that drove me crazy.

I don't want to deal with that nonsense and obsession so I'm trying to make it realistic.

I'm also concerned that if I dip below an 18, I'm going to try to get thinner and thinner.

That is going to lead to unhealthy eating. That's why I settled on a size 20, it seems more attainable and not a perfect size but at least it's an improvement.

It took a long time to re-train my brain that it wasn't about being skinny and tiny.

It was about health and what suited me personally. I want to get to a point, where I can love my curves.

I've tried to do that, in all the sizes I've been but I've never quite achieved it.

Another reason for this, is that if I ever find someone decent, I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Soooo self assured that I can spot if they're trying to belittle me and I won't end up taking it onboard and believing the lies.

I don't know if I'll ever get to a stage where I'm fine with being intimate but liking my shape is a good start.

The problem with me and dating, was that I had no confidence and men just feasted on that information and relished that I settled with them.

They thought I can be an ass to her and she doesn't know, she can do better.

I don't ever want to put myself in those situations again, which is why I'm continually working on myself, to prevent that.

It's tough though, I have no healthy relationships to compare it too.

I've never be seen and accepted the way I am, so occasionally I do question, if I am the issue?

I do have my quirks, I don't trust, I have problems communicating, I avoid dating and I deflect and make it near impossible for people to get close to me.

But I'm constantly trying to be a fraction less closed off and only to those that deserve my time.

I still feel better having boundaries, that should not be crossed, unless permitted.

#BlogLife829 - Beauty galore, when Postie delivers..

Song of the day - Faith Evans - Love Like This

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1QzBQKYbag&list=WL&index=84

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucl-fSHpm50

There are 2 versions of this song, both are fabulous, the first just has all the lyrics but I added them both as the Fatman Scoop one is really catchy.

I keep downloading this song and it keeps disappearing from my phone.

Well it's slow going. I'm still patiently or impatiently more likely waiting for the tape measure, the 2x body butters, a perfume roll on mini and 2x face washes.

Yesterday was fun with the Looney Tunes glitch, where everyone nearly maxed or did max the new taz toon.

I almost got there but the most you usually achieve is 4 or 5 stars not 7.7.

Serves them right, robbing us free players of the new battlepass marvin dono toon, Scopely's answer was to purchase it, pfft, I don't pay for games!

Sorry about the lack of post yesterday I just felt a bit rough and couldn't concentrate, with all day cramps/nausea.

I took a sick day I guess and finished the one season of an old show Ambitions, it was really good.

It's a shame it didn't last, all the back stabbing, cheating, romance, corruption..

I guess in the end I was rooting for two couples to make it, Stephanie and Greg, both baddies but they suited each other and her sister in law who was a good person but insecure.

It ended on a cliffhanger so there were probably a few more demises.

The Detail was also a great cop show that ended prematurely. They love airing crap but the good stuff get's cancelled, grr.

I hoped for a good sleep last night but I was up for most of it and then when I finally drifted off in the early hours, the bloody neighbours woke me up.

I think a few or half the items should come today. The Fixderma vitamin c face wash £5 is due, plus the Beautizone order.

Which is the Astral moisturiser £5.49, The American Dream dark amber body butter and the golden dusk one, both £7.49 each.

It's just after 2pmish and at least the Beautizone order arrived, not sure where the regular Postie is with the face wash and the rest of the stuff.

The Astral cream smells perfumey and looks quite thick and big for a 200ml tub.

The body butters 500ml, smell divine like candles, one is more intoxicating than the other, it's too dark to see the names properly though.

And I'm not opening them until the other ones are finished.

Ha, funny, the regular Postie just turned up smiling, with the Al Rehab Sabaya perfume oil, 6ml for £3.18, I only got the sample size, in case I didn't like it.

Does seem to smell nice though, I can't apply it as I have mist on already.

I wasn't sure which one to get but the Sabaya seemed insanely popular with the citrus and floral notes.

I'm not going to open the Fixderma face wash either, I hope it smells citrusy.

I think I'm stocking up in case I struggle to afford these things later on.

When I've tried these products a few times, then I can do some beauty reviews.

I just like charting when they arrive and when I start using them, to see if they last ages and are good value for money.

#BlogLife828 - Eeek it fits, weightloss confirmed

The palazzo pants were just delivered and I thought ooh they look a bit small for trousers, the length was fine, no dragging on the floor.

I put it on and it actually fit, it wasn't loose or tight so that's 4 stones lost.

Quite quite proud of myself. Good job I was home, they wouldn't have left it, he took a picture as proof of delivery.

I would have liked it a bit thicker but it will do nicely. I'm back home after the UC meeting and emotionally I feel relieved.

He was understanding about the courses that I didn't want to pursue them and they were not the right fit, phew.

Oh and the best part was, he's taking time off so gave me a phone appointment in a fortnight with a colleague and it's not the nasty power tripper, woop woop.

I was so happy, he asked why? I said there's someone that's really disrespectful and he stresses me out and I don't need that.

He asked me the name and I don't remember but *shudder* I loathe him!!

He's one of those people that are spiteful to those with debilitating health conditions and that's not right.

I didn't want to argue about it as my stomach is lurching, I've just wanted to vomit all day.

Typical, when you feel the roughest, there is no seats on the bus coming or going so now I'm lounging, hoping eating will calm my tum.

I wasn't really in much pain today, just frozen solid, so I had a browse in one of the beauty stores but even they didn't have much of a selection.

This country seems rubbish for choice, it's very limited brand wise, unless you want to spend a fortune, which I never do.

I think the face wash will finish soon, so I'll get a bigger one and some body butters, which are all scattered in different online retailers.

Oh for breakfast/lunch I ordered chicken spinach pasta and a chicken wrap for tomorrow, or I might leave the pasta..

Oh and a 7up plus the pistachio tiramisu which is divine. It actually was not discounted but I don't care, that money is doomed anyway.

Forgot to mention, I went to my world shop and got some treats, sugar waffles, pretzels and these knock off mini snicker chocolates.

Oh ok, I was mistaken, it's like a dark chocolate truffle with blended nuts, absolutely delicious but I'm stuffed.

The pretzels were 59p, the chocolates were £2.50 and not so tiny, the waffles were £2. 

Not cheap or overpriced.

#BlogLife827 - Are you gifted?

Song of the day - Paula Abdul - Rush Rush

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqSdQ5gJC7A&list=WL&index=83

I'm just re-cooking some turkey bacon to munch on as there isn't much left to eat, hence the shop tomorrow..

And some random thoughts popped into my head. Forgive me, I may have discussed this before..

But I recall being a teenager at a Church meeting at somebody's home and two things happened, one my blouse button became undone and my friend was signalling me about it.

Embarrassing I know and secondly for some reason, we were interviewing each other, maybe it was designed as a bonding or confidence exercise, that backfired spectacularly.

It's all foggy, anyway, I think the last question, was something like..

Name your abilities, something you excel at. The question made me sweat.

I couldn't really play an instrument, I was a bad singer, I wasn't academic. I couldn't think of a single thing.

I think I raised my hand and said, what if you're not good at anything?

And the tutor guffawed and probably said something, Now now, we all have special talents, think harder.

But at that time, I wasn't even a people person, although, one thing I was good at, was listening and giving advice.

But that was it, I don't think writing was on the cards at that moment in time.

I was going to leave it blank and sink lower into the couch than I previously was.

I mean everyone around me answered that question easily, they seem to have more than one star quality, and here I was ordinary and plain.

So after thinking hard, the tutor said Oh I have it, successful dieter.

And I looked at him thinking, I wish you hadn't of said anything at all, it felt like I was thrown a bone and it was the most demeaning thing ever.

That's not a talent, that's just trying to better myself! If you haven't figured out what you're good at, it takes time.

Don't pressure yourself to have all the answers straight away.

I wish I had just said I'm still figuring it out and this question is ridiculous.

There's too much stress to know everything when you're young and confused and figuring yourself out.

I don't know if what I have is a gift but it does bring me joy in a way, nothing and no-one else has.

The trousers are delayed so due tomorrow instead which is a pain as I won't be here.

I have a UC meeting 11.45am, maybe they will drop it off or come when I'm back home, hopefully.

This post came about because when I was singing choir at school, it was not from ability, I don't think there was a choice.

You had to learn an instrument or sing or maybe singing was compulsory..

Anyway a few songs from that time, I never forgot about. One was Summertime, probably because of the lyrics, fish are jumping?

It just made me laugh and stuck around, although I frequently don't remember the name of it.

The other was Beverly Craven's Promise Me. I don't know if we picked our own song's or they were chosen for us.

But I know that we adapted the lyrics, instead of I light up another cigarette, ha, it was something else.

I desperately wanted to find my niche, something so great, no-one could make me feel bad about it.

But no it wasn't music, I loved singing alone but I was still hiding my voice, I didn't sing loudly, just quietly and probably never tested my range.

But the lil I did sing wasn't great, parts of it were fun though. There was a lot of messing about in that music class.

I probably could have been free to be myself but I was cautious. Don't make a fool of yourself was that voice in my head, holding me back.

I did take up piano lessons but dropped them soon after, too technical and not enough fun.

The only time I recall singing in tune, was when noone was home and I think the neighbours were out too and I belted out some song at the top of my lungs and it sounded half decent.

Ooh okay the tracking for the trousers, changed for the billionth time, it's now due today, which is good.

There was a buzz and I thought Oh it's here already? But nope, Iceland forgot my cashews so the guy just re-delivered them 2 hours later ha.

I didn't even report it yet as I saw they were absent but I wasn't sure if I removed them from my basket or not, pretty good service really.