#BlogLife444 - I don't feel comfortable around you

Yesterday because I couldn't nap I was more productive than usual and wrote more so because I finished everything early and had time to kill I decided to have another random chat.

I cycled through a few candidates that were so-so and then finally settled on M, I think his name was.

I honestly can't remember because I juggled a few and he mentioned his name in the beginning and then it just left my head with all we talked about.

He seemed more acceptable than the rest, a lil too flirty and I was not in any way in the mood for that, just a chitchat night for me.

He also had an issue with not taking accountability at first for my perceptions that he was being too much.

He said I was overreacting which I didn't appreciate, however he did apologise afterwards when I persisted and would not back down, so I gave him a second chance.

It did eventually migrate into a phone call, I witheld my number number as usual and he did have a nice voice.

But he is an open book type of person which I'm not a fan of, because they mostly have the trait of...Oh because they are open, it's expected of everyone they talk too.

Whereas I accept people are different, some are more candid and others like me, are typically reserved until they are free to express and not feel judgements.

At first it seemed fine and then he did this thing, where he kept pushing for compliments and validation and I loathe that.

My feeling is if I'm still talking to you, that should speak for itself, that I enjoy your company.

Why the hell do you want me to say it a million times??? Plus after the fifth time of him saying I like your voice, it lost all the magic and I got bored of hearing it.

I get that a lot so I'm aware how pleasing it is but he then wanted reassurance his voice was decent as well and this question kept coming up over and over, until I snapped.

And stated look, this has been asked and answered. I hate people that fish for compliments, it makes you seem insecure, needy and that is not an attractive quality from someone claiming to be confident and have the ability to interact with women normally.

His tone kept raising somewhat angrily and defensively which made me laugh because in one instance, he took my feedback onboard but then five seconds later, he asked me the same flipping question.

Arghhhhhhhh!!!

Then it started with the enquiries I loathe also, What do you look like? What are you wearing so I bypassed those as I did not want it to go anywhere physical/sexual and he became increasingly flirty.

I was thinking, read the bloody room. If I am not flirting with you back, then don't be playful because I'm not receptive to it.

I made it clear upfront that I was not looking for a romance or a date or meet and he was fine with that.

Well he stated that and then he became more...... Hooked on me I guess?

I don't want to sound conceited because I'm nothing amazing but.. Well I have a certain appeal.

I can be friendly and sweet and nice in that single moment but it doesn't mean I fancy the person or want another chat.

I can just enjoy it in the moment and then forget it ever happened.

Due to all my experiences with men, I keep myself shielded and I like that because usually I don't get too invested.

Anyway he kept asking me to be nice to him and he wanted a hug or for me to say that I wanted to cuddle up to him.

Now as stated before I'm not really a touchy feely person because either hugs led to me being inappropriately groped which was traumatic and these were by male friends.

Or the men I was dating were just not tender at all, so hugging was met with repulsion and that put me off it.

Plus as I said last night I didn't want to be flirted with and when he kept asking for it, I was thrown back to all those times when I felt violated and just vulnerable and that put me off it, even more.

I don't go into my past dating history so soon. All I will say is that, it's been a negative experience on the whole and that is why I prefer being single.

But he started making judgements, instead of understanding, hey, we all have different preferences and that's alright.

Each to their own. He said, he finds my choices weird, who doesn't want to be hugged?? And I said me, I'm happy with my life and the way I choose to be.

So then it came to the point where he said, do you want to keep in touch and me being upfront, direct and honest reiterated my point.

I'm up for an acquaintanceship but nothing more, he said, look I have enough friends I want more. Anyone would want more.

I replied well I can't give you anything more so I don't see myself staying in touch because I've been very clear about my needs and you want something advanced.

He said I would like to keep in touch, text me if you like or am I not good enough for you? Will you just block me?

This started to make me cringe, as it was the neediness that came out of him, which is soooooo off-putting.

I did not lead him on or lie to him. I was completely transparent and ended with I probably will block you and not continue as I don't want a relationship or to date.

Truth be told, I may want to date in the future but because he was not my type, I felt like just being blunt to not give him false hope, or make him feel worse.

Again he just said I don't understand how you can want to stay single for the rest of your life.

At this point I could have easily explained that I was abused by men and my lil ounce of self esteem disappeared completely.

And that I began to torture myself and not eat and punish my body, all so that some guy would like me and say nice things to me and maybe fall in love with me.

That's not healthy and only by abstaining from dating did I start to like and love myself and see that I had real substance and appeal and that I should have been respected and treated with care but I was not.

Oh the other thing he said, which really irked me, Oh you are bad at picking men and we are not all the same.

Whenever I was telling stories, he always brought it back to himself, he never just took in my words and listened.

He always felt sensitive and said, well I am a nice guy and I wouldn't do that.

What I've learn't is......... The genuinely nice guys, don't have to shove it down your throats, they let their words and actions speak for themselves.

I was bewildered that he didn't comprehend my attitude was because of my past.

He actually said, you need to get over your (hatred maybe), of men. I laughed.

And flipped it around to him and said, if I said Trust me 110%, believe in everything I'm saying, would you????

In the same respect, only time will show someones true nature, you cannot elicit friendship straight away, trust is earned and that's the way, it needs to be for me.

In the beginning, grain of salt, I will take you at face value but if you contradict yourself later on, I will call you out on it.

I may not believe every single thing but because I have no reason to distrust, I will softly take what you say and give you the benefit of the doubt.

He found this completely offensive which just tickled me again. I'm not going to change my bloody personality, why do you expect me too???

He couldn't accept or even try to understand my point, which is a huge red flag to me.

You may not agree, it might not be your thing but if you can't have empathy and see it from someone else's view, you have no business in my life.

I need gentle gentle, not somebody grilling me or judging me but understanding me and meeting me halfway.

I have never found that in a single man. Married men, understand women more and know how to talk to them.

Single men do not have this ability I've found. I don't like talking to non singles but at least if I do, it's usually a better quality of chat.

I blocked M this morning. I would have done it last night but I didn't know how and I didn't want to accidentally dial his number ickkk. Ha!

Ohhh sorry one last bit. I know this post is ridiculously long already but there was a lot to digest.

This I found really ironic. He ripped me apart for not knowing that most of them men I dated weren't single.

How the hell would I have known they were married, engaged, living with someone, if they said they were single????

I'm not a bloody mind reader or that they would cheat on me. Or with me.

He said he was in a relationship that lasted 8 years with someone he didn't like because she wasn't kind to him.

I in the same breath asked, well why did you stay so long? He casually answered, Oh I didn't want to be single. Ha!

And you're cursing me out for making bad choices with men, look at your bloody self.

At least I didn't stay 8 years with someone, the longest was maybe a few months off and on and there wasn't many dates.

My self esteem was at rock bottom, until I began to value myself and realise that I deserved to be cherished and looked after, not constantly told I was horrible to be around and unattractive.

There a lot of men that picked apart my greatest sensitivities, like weight and looks and I felt really crummy about myself.

As soon as I stopped dating, there was some sort of re-awakening.

I looked at my positives. I was able to be optimistic. I stopped being depressed.

I'm always apprehensive that dating will bring all that back, physically and emotionally.

I am deathly afraid of being attacked but while I'm single, I'm safe.

He actually reached out to me twice but I didn't even read his messages. I want nothing to do with that sort of person.

#BlogLife443 - Embrace your sweet tooth

I've never seen a lemon flapjack before and wanted to try it from Graze, it's small but filling for a snack.

It's chewy, soft, not overpowering with the lemon but enough so that you taste it.

It's not too sweet but does feel like a treat, the price is £1.25 and as small as it is. I don't want to finish it.

I've saved the rest for another day. I just wanted a dessert. The rhythm cookie is too soft for my liking, I prefer a crunch.

All I taste is chocolate and it's very sweet. I don't taste the nuts at all, which is the reason I wanted to try it in the first place.

The price is £1.32 and this is supposed to have less sugar but it's pretty disgusting. I would not buy it again, too sickly for me. Ick.

I've just tried out the Belvita baked bar and so far that and the flapjack are my favourites.

It's a bit crunchy and a bit chewy at the same time, there is a definite taste of chocolate and nuts.

It doesn't feel really sugary, it's a small to medium size. It's £1.85 for 4 bars in the box.

It's really thick is what I noticed so in that respect it's more filling.

I would definitely get that again.

On to the Belvita soft bakes in a chocolate and hazelnut filling. These are just a smidgen dry, soft and chewy.

There is 5 in a box for £2.40. It definitely needs more filling, it's alright but it would be better with more inside to bring out the flavours.

I do normally like a crunch but these feel a lil overdone. Hard almost, not exactly what a soft bake should be.

There is a definite nutella quality to it, so that's lovely. I don't think I would re-purchase it though, not for that price and the fact it's a lil tough to chew and the filling is very minimal.

Last product was the Deliciously Ella peanut butter oat bars. There was 3 in the box for £2.70, steep prices for some of these, considering there isn't many contained inside.

There is a generous helping of nuts sprinkled across the bar which is good. It's chewy, more like a flapjack, than a cereal bar.

It's got a slight bitter aftertaste to it for some reason that I don't like at all.

The size is nice and dense but it's on the dry side, aside from the bitterness, it's pleasant enough but not something I would buy again.

#BlogLife442 - Six Dicless minutes

I'm ecstatic that I came home to find my lippys neatly bundled up. 

I'm always afraid it will spill but the seller sellotaped them together plus added fragile to the padded envelope which was really considerate.

The gold and pink colour is standard but the purple seems more on the pink/red side which is disappointing.

It was drizzling so I don't have much light to work with. I really struggle when it's dark to see properly so I'll re-try them on a clearer day.

I got home about 3pm and I arrived 1.45pm 15 minutes before my appointment at 2pm so because he is an inconsiderate Dic!

I had two choices, either I wait at the bus stop, where I can sit down but it's freezing cold today.

Or I wait indoors where there are no seats and my body is going to scream in pain.

I decided sitting and shivering was the best thing for me. Anyone else would think about hmm, my next client has health problems........Let me not keep her waiting...

Especially as I am a Dic about her being punctual!

Anyway just a few minutes before 2pm I set off, it's just a 2 minute walk, it's really close, thankfully.

I call him up.......... The idiot, doesn't answer. I am just pacing and leaning against the wall, struggling to keep my balance.

The fool eventually strolls in casually. Anybody, would apologise and say, right let's commence with the meeting.

This Dic just says Oh you're here. Why he's always bloody surprised to see me, is beyond my comprehension.

Then he says oh ok, well I'll see you in a bit. WTF!!!!

Loads of his colleagues pass me by and ask if I'm alright because everything is starting to ache and there's no comfortable stance to be in.

If I lean against the wall, my hands are throbbing. If I pace, my legs feel wobbly and as though I won't be able to stand without collapsing.

Finally his highness deigns to come down and I say, I would like to ask a favour.

That you not give me anymore lunchtime appointments as I don't want to be here waiting for you any longer.

This idiot tries to justify himself. Oh I didn't keep you waiting for that long, just six minutes!!!!

Again, no respectful apology or embarrassment or feeling. Such an ass!

So I just retort, yes to you as an able bodied person six minutes is nothing.

To me as a disabled person, that takes it's toll and I am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

Then he says, Oh, hmm, yea I guess you're right, we'll change it from now on.

ASS! It did feel supremely empowering to speak my mind and convey my issues because I really still to this day, struggle with that.

And I hate that I have to continually highlight my conditions as though I am some feeble weakling, that is only about being sick..

But I realised that, hey I am doing whatever I can to get my needs met. 

I have to take responsibility and voice my concerns because I am ill and I do need certain requirements in order for me to function, like everyone else.

My back is just twinging so badly when I'm standing and my hands are getting to their breaking point.

I would love to nap but I don't feel tired, my body is just gone but my brain is working away so I have a feeling, maybe about 6pm I'll finally be exhausted enough to nap, which is not the best time.

However I'm running on empty and I need to rest and by that I mean sleep.

Ooh I just noticed I had put away a pack of lightening soap. I used to use for my spots and it worked supremely well as it was recommended as a pimple treatment.

I didn't need it any longer nor did I want to throw it out so it's a whole bar left for me.

The scars are around my nose and chin and are not going away so I'm going to use the soap as I know that's worked for me before.

I think what I do is gently scrub it into my skin, leave it for a bit and then rinse it off.

I am having a hormonal or sugar breakout at the moment actually.

I may do a mid-week mask to get rid of them. I'll let you know, how long it takes to permanently get rid off the acne scars.

#BlogLife441 - Healthy mind vs sick body

The positive thing about watching makeover shows is that it reminds me to make more of an effort in my appearance.

I don't always do that. I prioritise sleep because I worry I won't have the energy to do everything I need too while I'm out before the exhaustion hits and I'm craving my bed again.

I'm still binge watching Trinny's Takeover makeover show and the new episode is up today.

I hear these peoples stories and can relate to a lot of that. Hiding myself away and covering up completely.

Not wanting to sparkle in colours and just wearing predominantly black thinking that nobody could tell I was severely depressed.

Being ill and knowing that walking and being outdoors is extremely taxing affects my mood and it becomes less about fashion and more about, trying to keep my mind light and playful and not panicking and stressing.

It doesn't take long for the pains to set in but if I wear something particularly cute at least my mind feels a lil more at peace, than if I didn't.

Like today was difficult, pain/walking wise but because I felt smart in blue trousers and a yellow/black top, even though I didn't have makeup or my hair done properly, I felt happy and smiley.

Granted I wasn't out for long but a while ago on the bus, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in my phone and I wasn't looking for that.

I'm normally changing songs or playing scrabble rounds but it struck me that I didn't hate what I saw.

I really liked it and thought I looked youthful and dare I say lovely even.

It's a big difference between being unable to look at my image at all and just seeing all the things that I hate, bad skin at times or bags under my eyes or too round a face.

Sometimes I don't make any effort and I love makeup but lately it feels like it's left in my bag unused.

I've run out of two of my favourite lip glosses and I didn't bother to replace them.

I've been using that lip mask, which is actually great as a gloss and a balm, it's not too gloopy or heavy but hydrates immediately and leaves a nice shine on the mouth.

But previously it was all about the lip gloss and now that I have 3 due, I'm impatiently excited about wearing it again.

I took a chance as I've never tried these shades but I know if it's too light or dark, I will blend it with something else to make it suitable.

I just looked in my eyeshadow palette and never noticed a dark purply blue colour so I usually two tone, a light and dark and I sweep the lighter colour, a pink over the eye lid but because the weather is so dark I can't even see it properly.

There was no postie yesterday and maybe none today. I was hoping to wear out the purply gloss before I chickened out.

Oh well. I still have an hour before I have to meet Dic and he's already called me up to see if I'm arriving, like some bloody child that needs reminding.

I think I'll just ignore those calls, it's too irritating. Today's ensemble is a bright red top and black trousers.

What made me laugh is that I've been wanting to wear this top for ages but it's been tangled in the hanger and today I finally just snipped it free because the temperature has dropped again and it's chilly beyond reason!

I just have a touch of foundation on and that's it, that's my look completed.

Oh and the all day curlers, plus bed hair mostly made my hair stylish, it's flicked up and slightly wavy, well half of it is.

Well most of it really so I don't need to do anything with it. That's good enough for me, I just combed my hands through it to increase the volume.

#BlogLife440 - Make me over..

I woke up at 7amish but I struggled to get out of bed. I was so leisurely that I didn't have time for makeup or to fix my hair properly but I'm getting used to it being loose and not clipped up, hidden away.

I can get away with that now, although it would look better with a slight wave to it.

I'm just waiting for breakfast/lunch to arrive and I'm curious if my lippys will come today.

The postie doesn't arrive until 12pmish so I'll just wait and see. I do miss having a face full of makeup but only outdoors, I'm still trying to get my scars to fade.

The only product I know would do it for sure is the whitening soap but I'll hold off for now.

Do you or did you ever watch those makeover shows? I used to love them.

The presenters could be a bit rough with the judgements and the end result wasn't always the best, plus some of the colours were....... Questionable...

But it was entertaining. Shows such as.. Would Like To Meet, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, What Not To Wear, How To Look Good Naked..

I never knew and still don't know what my body shape is. Top heavy, shortie stature, weight evenly distributed everywhere.

Big tum, big thighs, big bottom, big arms, big round face. Only my waist was on the small to mediumish side and my legs.

Is that an Apple shape? I have no idea but it was always interesting to see how they styled plump females such as myself.

I always saw a lot of wrap around styles which I hated on myself but looked nice on others.

The issue I took is that it never stayed tied and became baggy and for that to look good, it needs to stay secure.

I also noticed high waisted dresses that I tended to steer away from.

Dresses do not flatter me. My stomach sticks out too much and I feel self conscious because it always seems to look too loose or too tight.

They always had a set of rules that made me laugh because they were so rigid about it and although I started off clueless about makeup and clothes.

Through trial and error I made my own look up. Whatever I could go out in and feel comfortable in and withstand criticism from, was a keeper.

Smart casual has predominantly been my thing. Smart trousers or casual skirts. Fancy tops or casual blouses.

Reds, purples, greys, blacks, blues, pinks. Green I occasionally like but I don't think it works for me in clothes, makeup definitely.

I just did another Ocado Zoom, hour slot delivery for £2.50, it's so fun for a mini shop.

I just bought the snacks that I was going to get tomorrow. Now instead of carrying that heavy bag, I just have to....

Oh probably sanitary towels because my period keeps going off, on, off, on, thing won't make up it's mind arghhhh!! Plus maybe top up my oyster.

Anyway I would feel very overwhelmed and shy shopping for clothes and beauty stuff, not knowing, how to apply it and what suited me.

So I just tried different styles and some were just crazier than others.

At one point, it was funny slogans embezzled across t-shirts. Long, long, long revealing slits.

Short skirts, baggy trousers, tight clothes, loose, ill-fitting items, that I didn't want to discard..

There were lots of times where black just monopolised the wardrobe, no matter if I was slimmer or heavier..

When I looked in the mirror I saw flaws. Too much flesh on display. I should be like everyone around me, thin, thin, thin.

But now, on the rare occasions when I catch myself in the mirror. I see cuteness, oh that makeup looks good.

Oh the hair seems neat today or yes there is an abundance of me, however what I'm wearing has a pop of colour and fits me well.

It's about re-training your brain to see the positive side. Which believe me, took a very long time to do!

I recall being obsessed with body glitter so on the nights that friends and I would go clubbing..

I would slather that on my arms, neck, eyebrows and then I toned it down and just did the bits below my brows.

It was always clear, so it never looked over-done. I don't think, it always drew compliments.

I remember running out and that night we were going to a club and I quickly went to my favourite beauty store, I can't even think of the name.

And they had sold out of clear and the sales girl said, with your complexion, you have to try green, trust me, you'll look amazing.

And I thought, green??? Are you kidding me. She's just trying to make a sale. Ha. I'm such a cynical person.

I've probably told you this story before but I think I said something along the lines of, if this is a disaster I am coming back here. Ha.

I remember being really cautious and only applying a lil at first and peering in the mirror, thinking, eek, this is gonna ruin my whole look.

But then I just tilted my head and thought........ Hmmm... She isn't wrong. It made me sparkle.

It elevated my face as though I put on professional makeup. Everybody was obsessed and the praise just flooded in.

Then I realised green against chocolate skin, that contrast is phenomenal. Just like white just creates a wow factor, so does green.

It wasn't in your face noticeable, it was just tiny flecks, a nice subtlety. 

I loved Would Like To Meet as that was a makeover and a date show, all rolled in to one.

It was a build up of confidence and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and that was so daunting to me but the makeover part was fascinating.

Certain times, I thought they looked wayyy before the "improvement." Ha!!

I wrote this because I noticed one half of the hosts, Trinny Woodall is doing a makeover youtube show again and it's really fun to watch.

#BlogLife439 - Goodbye Friday's

I just checked my email and finally the nightie is out for delivery with Yodel/T4 but it's not telling me how many people are in front of me so I guess it will arrive in the late afternoon/evening today.

And my lip glosses are just being posted now so maybe that will arrive from Wednesday onwards.

I'm just glad nothing is arriving tomorrow as I am going to pop out for some things, which I've already forgotten..

Over the weekend I was thinking about how during the week, my focus is on writing BlogLife.

It could be for that day or sometimes I'll just churn out a couple for the current week or the next week.

I used to juggle writing fictional stories also but it felt unnatural and I would mostly end up returning to write more of BlogLife.

I had two thoughts, either I can go back to writing on the weekend which means I wouldn't give myself a break and the stress would pile up again and I would burn myself out easily.

Or I could take one day off from the daily posts and dedicate that day to purely writing stories.

I decided the second one was the best option as the tales are just piling higher and higher and I'm sick of looking at unfinished work.

As soon as I forgave myself for not doing everything at once. I felt unburdened.

At least for now while I have a backlog, this is my solution. I might re-visit my decision later on, it depends how I feel.

To put it in perspective I have 4 partly done BookLife stories and 1 wattpad story.

Plus if I have Friday's free I can probably go back to volunteering.

I'm going to try something different with the curlers tomorrow. I normally affix them the tall way and roll it but I'll do it the wide way and see if it curls better.

Sometimes only half the hair flicks up which is frustrating.

#BlogLife438 - Addicted to my next thought?

Another weekend is upon us again, what are you getting upto? Yesterday I feel like I slept the day away.

I wasn't in oodles of pain but I did feel really locked up and depleted.

I notice that sometimes it doesn't hit me straight away, but the after effects can show the following day or much later on.

I'm not sure when I'll have time to post this. The groceries are coming in the morning and then after that I have to get ready to meet Dic at 11amish.

He told me to call his number, which he never bloody answers anyway, directly from now on.

Plus he's trying to call me out for skipping the last meeting, I just transferred it to the phone, it still bloody happened, you shcmuck!!

And he said the lift won't be fixed for weeks, which is fine by me, that means shorter meetings.

I look forward to cursing out his behaviour in front of his colleagues next week, that always tickles me because they are so shocked about it.

I did try to re-curl my hair but it's just not looking right. I may have one last go tomorrow or will cheat and pin it up as usual.

I used to write either the blogs or stories in bed but I can't do that anymore.

As soon as it's bedtime, which is now, I just want to turn off and play a few rounds of scrabble and then sleep.

I suppose that's not a bad thing, I'm just uninspired at the moment I guess.

The nightie from Amazon is coming by Yodel, probably next week as I no longer have Prime, I didn't bother to extend it.

I almost feel like writing something new, the beginnings are great, much easier, but the middle and ends just become a chore.

I do so much second guessing at what seems dull or interesting that I guess I talk myself out of writing anything.

Then I load up the stories one by one and think alright I'll work on the Christmas one, no maybe the writer one, no maybe the arranged marriage or should it be the new one??

I just can't seem to focus, which is why, nothing is getting finished.

At least the groceries came on time and are neatly packed away, my makeup is done and I'm just counting down the minutes until I can leave and get it over and done with.

I would love for my fiction to be thought of as interesting and compelling. I don't think I'm there yet.

I like the ideas, I like how some of it comes across, the endings are probably sloppy and rushed though.

I should probably add more characters and plotlines but I don't enjoy going too overboard, it means more work and less dedication goes into it.

I'm not hungry yet so I'll eat when I return home. I'm already really tired, I slept alright but I don't think it was deeply.

Plus having my period again is tiring me out also. I came on the 13th of this month and that just lasted half a day.

Now again the 19th. It's light but annoying. I don't feel sicky though or have any cramps so I guess that's not too bad.

#BlogLife437 - No more headphones, just earbuds?! For women??!!

This is a bit weird I'm not used to writing so many posts in advance and letting them stack up, I keep forgetting what I've written about.

Well if I have to repeat myself so be it. The Beats overhead headphones aka earmuffs ha finally just got too destroyed to wear anymore.

I loved how comfortable they were and the battery did last ages, but the cushion just fell off and all the glue kept sticking to my hands ickity yuck yuck.

I finally took a deep breath and trashed them. I usually just have at least 1 overhead pair as it blocks out sound the most, but they keep snapping and breaking so it's a waste of money.

I'm really going to see how the earbuds last. One pair has already broken.

I'm hoping the rest are sturdier. I still have 2 but the battery for one of them is just a few hours and that isn't enough.

I need one for overnight and the rest for the daytime to block out the idiot neighbours making noise 24-7 sometimes.

Otherwise I can't write or sleep. Now that I'm actually using the buttons, I never realised what a pain they are.

It's so hard to switch them back on after they automatically turn off from being out of range grrr.

On to the latest pair. I had a feeling I would need a third pair but I was going to wait for a bit until I had some free credit.

I saw this Lankey Pro brand selling 75 hour earbuds. Even before Christmas it was marked down from £50 to £20 and then it went back up to £30.

I was going to cash out and then changed my mind and thought I will wait until they go on sale.

A minute later I was going to empty my basket and saw this strange £10 voucher so I thought just before I cancel Prime, I would purchase it for tomorrow.

(I was supposed to meet Dic today, but changed it to a phone appointment).

Then Amazon said it's out for delivery. It seems like Amazon Day doesn't give a timetable on the delivery, which was annoying.

It was out for delivery since 6am and at 6.50pm I gave up on it arriving. 

Parcels don't usually come after 6pm but then at 7pm he knocked and I was surprised.

The model name is Thr1 and I've never heard of most of the Amazon brands.

The reviews seemed positive but I'll see for myself. The case came 100 which probably means it's fully charged but the earbuds seemed completely dead.

The case is now at 87. It's been 35 mins and the green charging lights are still going.

It came with 2 ear tips in the bag and I guess 1 attached. Plus a usb cord.

Oops forgot to check again if it's a fast charging case. Ahh just read the back..

13-15hrs of playback which can then be extended by charging them in the case, so it's not continuous which makes more sense!!

On the box it has a different model number lol BX17, who knows which it is, until it's in pair mode.

The bluetooth version is 5.1 so should be stable. Crap I forgot to check the distance and if it can be connected to multiple devices at the same time.

Oh at 8.03pm, 43 mins later, hmm the lights came off but then I opened and closed the lid, in case I knocked it and it's recharging.

It's ready at 8.07pm. Oh my heavens, at last earbuds made for women, these are tiny and glorious!!!!!

Very comfy and easy to pair, the name is BX17 so mystery solved. 

I'll try and pair with my phone while it's connected to the laptop. 

Nope it didn't connect to 2 devices, that's a shame but not a huge deal.

It also passed the distance test, I went to the kitchen where it spluttered but continued playing music and didn't disconnect.

The first charge overnight and a bit of the evening/day, lasted 12 and a half hours.

I like that these just feel more secure in my ears, the others are loose and need re-tucking in but these are snug and stay in place.

On to today's disaster. I had a meeting with Dic at 11.30am. My hair was not cooperating, half wave, half straight, so I clipped it up and I was running early.

From 11.16am I rang up the receptionist to notify of my arrival, the phone went dead.

Finally on the 3rd call, someone deigned to answer!! I almost suspect, Dic was telling them to ignore my calls.

Anyway I tell them I have an appointment and am waiting downstairs, she says Oh let me get him, ohh he's busy, he'll call you back...

I'm thinking maybe a few minutes......... I check the phone.....Nada, zilch!

Ass can't be bothered to come down or call. Yet he's highlighting, don't be late in the emails and texts!

I'm trying to walk around, or lean against the wall, my legs are aching, my hands are becoming sensitive and my back is hurting.

I check the phone and 44 mins have passed and not a word from the Dickhead!!!

I could call up but he knows I'm waiting so I think fuck him and just leave.

Nearly two hours have passed and nothing still, prejudiced ass!!!!

The only highlight to my day, is I finally got the last thing on my Christmas list.

I wanted earbuds, got those, needed slippers, bought those and the final thing was a nightdress and I finally saw the black and red in stock.

Depending on the fit, I might buy another one. It was £16 with free postage, Amazon's quality seems to be higher and they last years so I don't mind paying that price for it.

I don't know if it's the same as Mama's and she should be in Canada now but she hasn't emailed or texted yet.

#BlogLife436 - Yum yum but does it fit my tum? Foodie reviews..

Last night I tried out the sweets I bought. Hmm I got that totally wrong, I thought they were a haribo knock off.

They are actually hard candies with this offbeat lemon flavour. I didn't like them at all.

It didn't taste like lemon lemon but as though it was mixed with some other weird ingredient. I can't recommend them.

The price was good at £1.29, the size was great, not too big or small but the taste, ickity!!

I've just drank my morning soup and now I feel full. I did have a few bites of leftover pasta but it's too cheesy for my preference.

I was going to break open one of the crisps to munch on but I feel bloated so maybe later on.

The Crunchips were a medium thickness, fresh and crispy but doused in salt, I threw it away because my stomach feels delicate.

I can't seem to tolerate over salted things, soup or cheese, at the moment. Don't ask me why.

Luckily the Viva sour cream and dill were much lighter in salt and taste. They remind me of Skips but nicer.

There's just a hint of sour cream and dill, which I don't mind, it's still very tasty and different to other crisps.

I would definitely buy that again. I have one more thing to try but I'm nervous. I might put that off for next week.

I'm craving crackers at the moment but I've put some veggie sausage rolls in the oven and hopefully that will help.

I don't know if it's due to my taste buds still being off but I didn't enjoy the rolls at all.

The last thing was the Tooritzi crackers which did turn out to be savoury.

It was really thin round discs and it was a tad salty, I guess it would be tamer with a lil dip accompaniment. 

I quite relished the crunchy taste though. To me, it was a cross between a breadstick and a pretzel but with the enhancement of the seeds.

I can only have a handful at a time but it's packed with flavours.

I'm not sure I would buy it again, due to the high concentration of salt, great snack though.

That's the end of the food treats, it's fun to try out new brands. I never know what the outcome will be.

I'll just add a beauty review as I forgot to add it. I'm re-trying the Biore charcoal face wash again.

It's not beaded thank heavens, has a luscious sweet scent and washes off fairly easily.

I think the issue is that due to the heavy scent, I wouldn't leave it on my face too long as it can be a lil overpowering.

Maybe that is why so many people had problems with it because it affected their eyes?

It's very moisturising and leaves my face silky. It foams up a lil bit and I would get it again.

Nothing seems to be helping diminish the face scars, they are still noticeable unless I cover it up with makeup.

#BlogLife435 - Dic strikes again

I was quite surprised when Dic called me back at the right appointment time.

Previously he had agreed to a mixture of phone and in-person appointments, when I begged for them, in a state of near collapsing.

Now today he said, Oh you realise that all check ins must be live and then he said, but in your case I will make an exception.

He always acts like he's doing me a bloody favour, when it should be a natural decent thing that's done automatically.

As an advocate who is supposed to put my health and well-being first, he's frigging useless.

But I'm relieved that it is out of the way and I had to hide my glee when he stated the next appointment isn't until...

The 19th woohoo, two whole weeks of bliss. I feel I have to constantly stress that I do in fact suffer from chronic pain 24-7.

Plus mobility issues, just to get any sort of consideration of my needs taken seriously.

Do you know how stressful and damaging that is??? To constantly have to plead your case and feel you are being dramatic or lazy or selfish or unproductive for being legitimately ILL!!!!!!

Yeesh, no wonder the break did my good. I take all the advice and steps that he gives me, yet I feel him constantly give me the wrong guidance and zero support.

He is not a people-person at all and I really can't understand his prejudice.

I have my suspicions that he interprets it as me faking or exaggerating just because I'm not in a wheelchair/crutches but then again he treated that woman with the same disrespect.

It's probably just an annoyance that he has to deal with us at all. There is constant rudeness and impatience.

It almost made me scoff when he said Oh the lift is working and then his colleague said, no it isn't.

Then he stated well I'll just come down to see you then. Again like he is bestowing me every kindness.

When the only bloody reason he is doing that, is because I had to make a stand and refuse to do those 3x flights of stairs due to dizziness, blurred vision, pain and exhaustion.

I said I really hope I don't fall down the stairs........... Nothing was his response!!!!!

Ass!

#BlogKife434 - Mama's secret

Afternoony all, how are you all doing?

I feel I am over the worst of this bug, aside from a lil stomach unsettlement.

It just doesn't feel quite back to normal and the tiredness and coldness is seeping into my pores.

I am well rested though and I'm relieved that my special fitted sheet is arriving today with Evri/Hermes.

I don't have an issue with them, I always tend to get my stuff, sometimes with a time listed and other times without.

Last night I set out the protein tablets to do my lenses as I hadn't done it for this month and could I find them???

Nope.....My eyes feel especially dry and I keep forgetting to take the drops out of my vanity case.

I'll try and remember to do them tonight. Let's get on to the title as I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about this and if there would be enough material but here goes......

While I was at Mama's she let something slip that I had never heard her say before....

That when she moved into her new place, she had was infected with the corona virus.

Now you know I've actively avoided this subject but my head exploded when she told me.

She had not said a word of this, at the time and my gut was telling me not to react.

I could not have been around for the move because of my health conditions, heavy lifting is a no-no.

Waiting on my feet, is a no-no. She never asks me to assist her, instead the other two do it, which I'm grateful for.

Anyway I kinda wondered why she was mentioning it now and the other half of me was relieved that she was alright and had recovered.

But it took me back to a few years ago, when she was acting ridiculous when I developed that nasty cough and infection, accusing me of having it and that she's going to catch it from me.

That massive guilt trip and hysteria. I didn't lose my taste. I didn't have flu-like symptoms, it was just a really bad probably chest infection.

That lasted maybe a week... But she kept making these snide comments and I offered to leave but she said no, no, it's fine.

She didn't want to share food, she didn't want to stay too near to me, to me it was overblown and ridiculous, I should have just left her.

And the other thing was the constant nagging to get the anti virus shots and I refused to have any of them.

Partly because I'm fed up with being jabbed with needles, when you're in and out of hospital and they can never find your veins, it's hideous.

Moving on, oh wait, the other reason was because it was affecting women's periods and a GP I know confirmed cases of it.

Mama is now praising me for not having any doses as she has had adverse effects, lots of issues and pains from it.

She kinda said, I don't think you would have survived it, if you got it and I thought..........Purleaseeeeee.

I've lived through abuse, near death, injuries, mental cruelty, crippling depression, assault, suicidal thoughts, bad parenting and lack of support throughout my life..

This illness would have been tough but I would have beat it. I have faith in myself, that others do not.

#BlogLife433 - Speakers N Cream reviews

I'm actually shocked that I was able to sleep last night with all the daytime rest but I did and deeply also.

My body just needed it, to repair itself. I'm not eating meals just grazing on snacks.

My head is starting to hurt again. I've been trying to nap but it didn't take and now I realise a part of the bloating is due to starting my period today.

If you're following my Twitter, you'll know that I've just gotten into a new Turkish show called Senden Daha Guzel.

I prefer when it's more comedic than heavy drama and this is just the ticket.

3 hours and 25 minutes per episode but it doesn't drag. I only skip minimal parts because it's engaging.

It's basically about two doctors who start off with a love/hate relationship and then you watch it grow and the obstacles/lies/people that get in the way.

I'm not sure if there is more than one season, if it's been cancelled or renewed as I didn't want to read any spoilers..

I guess in the excitement of being away I forgot to do the Braven mini speaker review. 

I was finally able to test it properly watching Christmas movies with Mama.

I bought this specifically for the boasted 12 hour long battery life. I knew it wouldn't last that long.

The colour is really pretty, it's not too big or heavy and it pairs easily without any hassle.

It has a lil musical melody when turning off and on which is fun. I didn't even realise you can control the volume and pause it via the actual speaker.

I kept getting up to go to the laptop to adjust the controls from there, that is a really handy feature.

It's a bit weird though, the sound coming from next to you, while watching it in front of you.

The sound is nice, clear and crisp. I never had to put in on maximum volume as it was really loud.

We watched Home Alone 1 and 2 as per usual around the holidays.

That's nearly 4 hours long and then I checked the battery it said halfway. Actually I think it was less maybe 40%.

And I used it for a bit more and it depleted down to 30% and I put it on to charge, not sure how long it took.

Probably less than an hour with the fast charge but that's really disappointing battery life.

Mama got a whole set of different sized hand creams and asked if I wanted any.

She travels a lot so took the minis for her upcoming trip and I don't typically use it on my hands, unless there is excess.

I use it for my dry cracking elbows that I lean on constantly while typing.

I would usually prefer a thick creamy body butter but I'm starting to see that hand creams are more cost effective and do the same job, if you get a really decent one.

I've tried an abundance with very poor results. I'm pretty sure the hemp one is the only one I've liked so far.

The Beauty Formulas hemp cream, works really well. They are still slightly cracked but in much better condition and while I was away I started using the Cath Kidston one..

And that was impressive also. A medium thickness, 100ml tube.

It does take a while to absorb into the skin though, I find I have to rub it in a lot before it evaporates, unlike the hemp one, which is almost instantly dissolved.

I love the scent, which is the main difference between the two. It's sweet, perfumey, maybe flowery I can't really tell but it is delightful.

I wouldn't say my elbows are not cracked anymore but they are more hydrated than previously.

I was curious and googled the price ha. For the Cath Kidston cream it's about £8, but less on Ebay, maybe £5.

I wouldn't pay that price as effective as it is, not when there are cheaper brands available.

The next time I do a Bodycare online order, I'll try some new ones.

My face is not dry anymore but the scars remain. Oh and I forgot to mention, my Christmas gifts all went down well.

He actually loved the scents for the aftershave and the antiperspirant, apparently not a fan of the roll on, which I prefer.

And of course Mama loved her gel oil for hydrating the body in winter and after her swims. Plus the gift card and blankie (I suppose).

#BlogLife432 - Being chronically sick means being judged

There just seems to be a lot of sarcasm, disbelief and prejudice going on with telling people that I can't manage, this or that.

"Hmm, you're tired already but you've only done one thing."

"How can you want to nap, when you've only been up a few hours?"

"You should really be able to cope, it's not difficult."

"You seem fine so I didn't bother to ask if you needed anything."

A side note. I've had the new blankie on for about 2 hours and I'm frozen. Barely any heat at all.

My hands are like ice and my body is shivering. I woke up 9ish or 10ish but I didn't put the blankie on til 12ish as I didn't want to keep tripping over the wire.

I wonder what the seller can possibly say to justify this piece of crap?? I've just replied back to them reiterating my opinions grr.

Why must I repeat myself??

I am already yawning and I'm feeling sore and tired. The sucky thing to me is that most of the above comments, were made by people who know I have severe health conditions but I'm still expected to be..... What??? Normal???

When I wake up, usually exhausted it's a roulette, what hurts? What makes me uneasy?

Did I have any nightmares? Did I have a triggery panic attack? Did the pains keep me up for a while?

Yesterday when I was drifting in and out of sleep, my arm was bothering me.

I didn't hit it or bruise it, yet it was throbbing significantly for no reason whatsoever.

I've found that random parts of my body will just give me intermittent sharp pains from routine actions.

Exercises, carrying shopping a few feet from the door to the kitchen, bending to plug the cord in..

It's nothing major that I do, it's just later on, I'll pay the price for it. Today I guess my hands feel a lil tender and that's from typing and carrying the Ocado bags.

I don't feel weepy or upset as such. I feel empty but I don't blame myself for not being "healthy" in their eyes, if they're too idiotic or biased to tell sick, from able bodied, that is their hang up.

I think it does grate though that their perception of me is "lazy." And I'm there struggling to do the barest minimum, for my own sake and it's sooo difficult for me but I achieve it, just about.

Only for them to turn around and say..... "Well I expect more from you."

I don't have anything more, it killed me to do what you asked. Why do you demand the impossible???

Why isn't me showing up, adequate?? I got the advents to do and I promise when I'm away I'll work on the stories.

The Christmas one isn't going to be ready in time. I'm just blank.

I'm not sure if you know what it's like to get up, eat, get dressed and just sit down and think.....

I don't want to do anything because my brain is depleted and my body is stretched beyond capacity but I have to do something and then that's it, there's nothing left inside me, for anything or anyone....

** The reason for the delay in posting this was that I had cramps which I thought were pmt/pms related.

I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary, until the nausea started and I managed to avoid it, until the third time.

I didn't even had the chance to rush to the bathroom, it was all over the floor, the pillows, the bed and myself.

My head is killing me. I had no energy to take out the bins, unpack the shopping or just get up and walk around but living alone means you have no choice but to get on with it.

Sorry if that was an overshare. I had to psyche myself up just to get things done but I mainly just napped all day.

I didn't want to do anything today and still don't but I think even temporary illnesses make me more determined to get on with things or just do what I can manage.

I'm relieved to have reserve posts, I'm not sure I could have written something fresh.

It's the achiness that gets to me, I haven't been active much but I feel so tired.

I couldn't face food today so I just sipped water, fizzies and vimto throughout the day.

I didn't want anything foodie related because my stomach still doesn't feel settled so I literally opened the fridge and closed it.

Tomorrow hopefully will be an improvement and I can nibble some small snacks.

#BlogLife431 - Nord CE2 Lite - Samsung alternate??

I've had some time to mess around with the new phone. Well the newest Nord as they are both new actually.

I've put the Honor 7A and the Samsung A13 away and I'm going to use the Samsung A41 for alarms and games and the Nord will be for everything else.

Those 2 feel like the lightest which is beneficial for my hands to keep them relaxed and not overly strained.

I'm not sure when Android 13 is coming. It's out in India but not sure about the UK.

The Nord came with 12 and then there was some other security update. Technically the operating system is Oxygen and that's 12.1.

Comparing it to my A13, the first thing I noticed I guess was the size, they're practically the same but the CE2 Lite is well, lighter ha.

The next thing was the display, Samsung is bright and clear, the Nord is really dark and dull.

I'm not an expert reviewer but I have to switch the brightness to nearly halfway in order to see the screen better, whereas with the Samsung I can have it low and still see everything clearly.

The Nord introduces this "Game" feature to rival Google Play Games, with that, it's easy to take a screenshot but I haven't figured out how to do that with the Game app.

To do a screenshot I swipe 3 fingers down and that's the way I've been doing it, not ideal and it takes many tries which is time consuming.

Ahh the battery lasted me a day and a half, with gaming, calls, texts, internet, downloads and high brightness which was very cool.

I'm still surprised it came with a proper wall plug and usb c wire. It took about an hour to charge it halfway.

I'm also surprised there were different colour options, if it was reasonable, I definitely would have gone for the green, that looked so different and unique.

But I love the light blue shade, everytime I look at it, I get happy.

I can't comment on the customer service too much. I only dialled the number once and I think I was taken to an Indian call centre, the line was really really bad and I could barely hear her and vice versa.

Switching it off used to be a pain but then I messed around with the settings and repurposed the buttons.

On the right side is a functional button and it used to say, unblock the mic and now a long press comes up with a slide to restart or power off the phone, muchhhh better.

When you swipe the left screen it has a horrible Google news feed which I hate.

I think the only way to get rid of it is disable and re-enable Google and that works, probably until you use another Google service and then it reappears.

I also had to hide the silly spotify and netflix nonsense which I will never use.

I really miss the Samsung wallpaper app and the alternative I found is Zedge which I used years ago and forgot about.

If you download the app, it will apply it to your phone directly which is so much easier than trying to download a picture and then it is a struggle to add it to the screen.

Umm I think most are free and you watch an advert to receive it, which I can live with.

I just find the wallpapers look bland. I think I will try a HD version and see if that is any better.

I thought it was having power save on but I disabled and it's still really low quality.

It's not enough to put me off but it's not something I can recommend either.

It is going to take some getting used to, having the volume keys on the left side, it just feels unnatural.

Oh one thing that is driving me nuts, the screen keeps timing out at 15 seconds even though I've set it to 30 minutes, 4 times, grrr!!

Another thing I hate is when I turn it off to charge, as soon as the usb cord slides it, it turns the phone back on grr.

I like it to have a rest and for me to have a break. The font is really unclear, it really needs a bold option.

There is a setting in Accessibility but that makes the font fainter in the music app, which is not a good solution.

I'm constantly attempting to not strain my eyes. The HD wallpapers look a whole lot better.

Something that surprised me was that in the high graphic game of Looney Tunes, it was quite jumpy on the regular setting but on high performance mode, ran more smoothly.

I know that game only works on the newer smartphones because it's probably a ram hungry app.

Oh another thing which I rarely see nowadays in the bluetooth section which has been easy to pair devices, it has a checkbox to hide it from being visible and that's a lovely security feature.

The wifi has been mostly smooth, I think it's only disconnected once or twice.

It does bug me a lil the front camera is prominent and I think you had to somehow hide it, app by app, to get the full screen mode, I've no idea how to do that.

I just checked and the current keyboard is Gboard. It's alright, it doesn't always correct errors.

I do love the pink shade though, that's really fun. At some point I might switch back to Samsung, I think that was the most productive one for me.

The camera images seem more defined than my previous phone cameras.

I can't always tell as my eyes are so bad but to me it seems sharper and improved.

I really love the fact that it came with a free case, a wall charger and a usb cord.

For the choice of shades and the accessories, it beats Samsung in that respect.

Samsung screen display is much higher so I guess it depends what you are looking for, the cost for OnePlus phones is cheaper also.

I don't know if I would permanently switch from Samsung. It's really just the dark and dreary screen of the Nord phone.

Maybe they have fixed the issue with newer phones but nobody wants to have their phone constantly really bright, depleting the battery do they?

I'll have to keep using it and maybe I will find it gets easier or they will maybe a software update or I have no idea, find a way to make it better visibly.

I guess that is the main issue for me, everything else I can tolerate.