#BlogLife774 - Dear Mama - I don't want to say this/4 week period

I guess the good thing is that I remembered to do the hair oil thing, it felt good giving myself a scalp massage this morning.

Now I have a face mask on and I wanted to do the face brush but the battery is dead, as per usual, when I go to use it.

Something has been living in my mind and refuses to leave, so either this will stay a draft or I'll let it out.

I'm just fed up of having a family that is out to get me, and continues making my life a living hell.

You are my only tether to that evilness, your sons, I mean and if I cut ties with you, I feel like I'll finally be free and at peace.

Obviously I could never say this to you, but over the years, I've gotten close.

I can't stop thinking about it, around and around it goes. I feel like I'm literally being driven crazy.

First it's being just verbally tortured and threatened and now more than ever it feels psychological.

They win, they can have you all to themselves. I just want to stop being afraid, to stop looking over my shoulder, to be able to take a breath and not worry about the consequences.

It will be near impossible to say Goodbye, but if I don't do something for myself, I'm going to jump off the deep end.

Today I basically said, I don't care what happens to me anymore.

Let them cart me off to jail. I just can't stand it anymore. There is nothing left of me.

I want to have a life, I want to form a bond with someone. I want to be normal.

I want to be able to function but I'm stunted, like an overgrown child.

I'm just hiding, hiding, hiding, never being true to myself, never letting anyone close to me.

I just don't know if it's worth being tied to you anymore.

I realise that's ungrateful or blameful and I don't think you're a bad person.

I just think you're only crime is, you're too forgiving and there are no consequences to their actions.

The posts that keep jumping into my head, is this..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

And this one..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/04/bloglife259-you-killed-my-last-safe.html

That's how far gone I am. It helps to air this out and I just feel like, on some level you know, I may or may not cut you out of my life, for my sanity.

But honestly this whole blog is made up of these types of posts, about bullying and despondency.

And you choose to continually brush it under the carpet.

I just can't cast it aside anymore. I didn't even want to write this post but it was a necessity.

I just feel like I need to say Goodbye and I don't want too.

I'm just defenceless once more and I'm sick of it. The fear of what will they do next???

I am not okay. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's truth.

I'm slipping, slipping, slipping further away from you. I genuinely did not want to admit any of this out loud but when I wrote this.

It felt like a release, it needed to be aired in some format. I don't feel better for sharing it but I feel more at peace.

It's no longer chipping away in my mind. I needed to clear my head, there's too much stress already.

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On to today (Tuesday), the JSA appointment wasn't cancelled, so I was advised to attend it and I thought maybe it's a good thing.

My advisor wasn't available but I saw her friend, which is equally sweet but she said, they are out of printing paper, so that was a dead end.

She said the JSA side of things is officially closed, so the migration to Universal Credit is complete.

When I logged into Universal Credit, there was something about Sanctions..

Which I am expecting, fines or worse. I feel so dizzy today, I felt like I was going to fall over, vomit and pass out.

My back is killing me, there is breast pain, nausea, cramps and exhaustion.

But even though I kept faltering, I held on to walls and just perservered.

I went to Ryman's and spent about £6 on 2 extra large brown envelopes and some sellotape to keep it together.

Then before that was the library and thankfully, hardly anyone was there, so the lady in charge had time to help me.

She was really kind and I appreciated that, she did the whole of the 134 double sided printouts and didn't give me a hard time about it.

I was so relieved, I apologised to the woman who came after me, to print 2 pages, ouch.

I left home about 9.35am and now it's 12pm. Anyway, anyone want to guess how much it cost?

I figured maybe £20 or £30....... Not even close.

This cost me just over £48, I also went to the Bank to get out about £50 to pay for everything prior.

Then she kept warning me about the cost and I said it's ok, because I have no choice, it has to be done.

She said, we don't accept cash, just card so that was fine, I put in my details, they were approved and the long wait for the printer begun.

Now I am home and have to wait for the Bank statements to get here this week, then I will seal them up.

I hope 2 envelopes are enough, if not I can get more. I don't know whether I should put Freepost on all of them but I don't want to risk it, incase it bounces back.

I'm on a time limit. Then when everything is here, the last step is to seal them, weigh them at the Post Office, buy the stamps and post them.

£54 so far, maybe just over £6 altogether? Who knows, I just want it done.

I should do my brows again but I can't be bothered. I so want sushi or any takeout but I won't do it.

I should go to the kitchen and make food but the pain is too much currently, I don't want to move.

I'm not really hungry but for energy I should munch and it is lunchtime, plus I've been up for several hours..

Oh and right on queue, my tum starts rumbling. Ugh why won't this stupid period end.

4 fricking weeks long!!! And pmt to boot.

Despite all of this nightmare. At least I didn't have to make dozens of trips this week.

Actually there maybe one more, the Universal Credit one is maybe this week or next, she said soon.

I have no idea though. They didn't explain anything about how to use the website.

I checked the post, but I have a feeling the Postie's gonna knock for the bulk statement delivery.

#BlogLife773 - All that remains.../Designed to fail *foul foul language*

Crikey I had a mini panic, trying to locate where Paypal hid the bulk statement file but it was under Activity report and I just downloaded it.

I attached it to a draft email and then when I go to the library tomorrow to print it, I don't know if I have to decompress it first, hopefully not.

Plus as it's public access, I have to remember to logout of email after I've finished.

I just want it all over and done with, there's only so much worry a person can go through, until they just try to carry on as normal.

Ha I just picked up my phone and was listening to music and Mama called to wish me luck for tomorrow, that was sweet but it's only part one.

I won't have any news about the fine or worse for a while or next week.

The meeting tomorrow is supposed to be an introduction but maybe they will turn around and say, You're rejected, fend for yourself..

Good luck paying your expenses and Welcome to Homelessness......

I can't dwell on it anymore, it affects my sleep. It's just always there in the front and back of my mind, making me nuts.

I'll probably add to this when I get back Friday afternoony, although if it's particularly brutal, I might just curl up on my bed and weep for a lifetime......

I just wanted to be able to take care of myself without relying on anyone.

I don't need the stress, even if I do deserve it.

Well today was a complete more or less bust. I went to the Bank, thinking ok maybe 20 minutes, to print it out, nope.

They order it and it takes 5 working days, how the hell that is going to fit into one envelope, I don't know.

Then I go to the library, only to be told I don't have to queue and then either the computers are broken or they ask for login details.

So back to waiting in line ages, then she sets me up and I go to my email, only to be told, they need to verify, so have emailed Msn, of which thankfully, my phone let me login but it didn't send the verification email.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuckity, fuck, fuck!!!!

Finally got in, was ready to download it, but then it said it's 134 pages! What the fuck???

I can't carry that, let alone print it. I just left and called up and I was hoping, she would say send me the file, but it was Nope, we don't accept that!!

She said, spend a few trips, going back, do it double sided, 67 fucking pages to print still???!!!

What a bitch!!! She could have easily accepted the file, but nope, I have to go through all this shit multiple times.

Fuckkkkkkkk!

All this isn't supposed to cost anything, I'll end up paying for the printouts, the envelopes, stamps, probably sellotape, oyster fare.

All because they want to put me through this headache, when they know all the fucking information anyway.

She's extended the time from from the deadline of the 18th October, to the 1st November.

I'm sore and exhausted. I should go back to the library and start printing but fuck that.

As for the Universal Credit side of things, surprisingly that all went smoothly.

It was just accept the terms and she said she would speak to my other JSA advisor about cancelling Tuesday's appointment.

Then they will email me my next meeting time and that seems done.

Jail seems easier than this. Two last things, during the Universal Credit appointment, she said Oh if at anytime you're not fit to work, just go ahead and see your doctor for a sick note.......

Yea I'll get right on that, they didn't even recognise me as sick, when I was critical!!!

Secondly my back is killing me, I am fantasising about my salmon and avocado sushi, that I'll probably never eat again.

I would love to have ordered that but I have to be sensible. Bills first, food second.

Oh one last thing, which was just weird and almost laughable, was when they assumed I was attending a JSA appointment and I said No, it's a Universal Credit one, the guy whooped and said Yea Good you joined us....

Umm, ok, I'm going to miss my JSA advisor though, she was really sweet, she mostly understood the health side of my complexities.

Anyway I tried my best to get everything done today, notified the relevant parties, attended where I was supposed too.

Now I'm going to just wait and decide what to do next week. The thought of going out multiple times, knowing I have to be on my feet when I get back to cook, is not appealing.

It's almost worth not eating, but no, I'm going to try and see how I cope.

Sigh, I just want some peace, without drama or obligations, can't I be sick in peace and quiet???

Well it's now Monday, I didn't hear back about Tomorrow's cancelled appointment, I called up and was advised to attend it.

I'm kinda glad in a way, I get to speak to her one last time, my old advisor and I don't know whether I should beg for her help with the printing.

I'm trying to be as discreet as possible but that is a lot to ask, I think I'm desperate enough.

67 pages though, that's such an unreasonable favour. If she did it for me, I would get her a gift to say Thank you, maybe lunch or something.

They are probably not allowed to receive kickbacks but this isn't a bribe, this is gratitude.

I need help, I admit it, this one time, I can't manage it alone, I strive to struggle and rely on myself completely but to hell with it, if she says No, there will not be any hard feelings.

I will just do it in sections at the library and then the post office and try to fit it all in, before the freaking end of the month deadline.

Wouldn't it be nice to get it all printed at once and not have multiple draining trips?

Then I'm still waiting for the Bank statements to arrive and that's a whole load, they have to be sorted into piles of envelopes, then weighed and sent off also.

So much to do and I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it but I guess lil by lil I will complete it.

Doesn't mean I won't grumble constantly though. Hmm ok, that's my battleplan.

This just feels never-ending. 

#BlogLife772 - Free food

I was thinking about how convenient it was to get home exhausted and sore and then order some food, so that I didn't have to be on my feet or straining my body further but that's all done now.

Then I realised I actually have one last Just Eat stampcard that I haven't used yet.

It's basically a cashback system for ordering from a restaurant regularly.

I'm just not sure if it will cover delivery but that's an option if I fancy pasta or a pizza or even a sandwich tomorrow, one final treat.

The other more relevant purchases, are my earbuds, I use those to help with the de-stressing and PTSD.

I don't think I could live without those. The priorities are paying the rent and bills each month, I will just see if I can do that first.

I do have an overdraft that was just reduced as I hadn't touched it. The thought of using it and getting into more debt is just depressing.

Snacks seem like an overpriced indulgence too, they will have to go.

I did have another brainwave, a tool I used to help stretch the pennies further.

I could always go back to comping, you're not guaranteed to win anything but I was pretty fortunate with that, so that's an option.

I'm not frivolous really, I'm pretty good with money. If in the past I did spend more than I should, at least I knew I could afford it.

I don't have any credit cards, only the debit card, so I only spend what I can and pay it fully outright.

Having said that though, Mama did remind me, if I did have to make a big purchase to replace something..

She said Paypal offers you a choice to pay in installments and for a while, it's interest free and I had forgotten about that.

I'm just trying to think about the worst case scenarios so that I can prepare and know what to do, instead of being overwhelmed by the upcoming debt.

#BlogLife771 - Letters of doom and gloom

Song of the day - Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOXaPE6gklI

I love this depressing song from Rocky, I don't know which part but as I was playing random music it came on and trapped is how I feel.

I've just paid my last official rent payment and I don't know what will happen from now on.

I feel like I had to stop living in the clouds and psyche myself up to go out, take out the rubbish and scarily look at the post and there it was, well 2 official looking letters.

Scary brown envelope and one white one. My stomach's churning, thinking about all the evidence I'm about to hand over to them, to seal my fate.

On Friday, either before my appointment or after, I will head to the bank and hopefully it will be straightforward to obtain the printed statements.

I finally just bit the bullet and loaded up Paypal and was having trouble customising the date range.

But then under download it mentioned a specific area, where you could add in the date range and particulars you wanted to create an activity report, I think it was called.

I did that and they said, they would email me when it's ready, I only recognised pdf so I chose that format and I'm hoping, it will be ready before Friday.

I know I should have done it sooner but I was freaking out too much, to be frank and I couldn't even login to Paypal or my Bank.

Actually I was going to wait until I was on the phone to Mama, to open the letters but I thought just in case there were Paypal instructions, I had better open them.

It's not as bad as hoped actually. It's the letter to say the Housing Benefit is officially stopping, as I'm "supposedly" moving on to Universal Credit.

There is an option to login to check how my claim is doing. I can't face that yet.

I know I'm a big chicken but one step at a time.

The way she kept harping on about following the instructions to a tee, I thought there was a ton of things to do but it's just mentioned, that I have to include the statements in the prepaid envelope and that is it.

I mean that is still a big deal and my brain does keep spiralling, thinking what if the debt is so high I can't even breathe?

In one way I feel strangely calm that I have at least managed to do half of what is required.

The Paypal thing was unnerving me, I wasn't sure how complicated that would be, how do you print out pages, when you have to keep scrolling down?

I also hope the Library is still open, still has computers and printers and will let me use it.

I'm not a member and I know there's a small printout fee, for each paper, maybe 5p or 9p, that was years ago, it is probably more like 40p each now.

I guess I just will open up my email, and print the attachment. I don't think I need to download it first right?

It's been a long while since I printed something. Oh wow, Go Paypal, I just checked my email and it's ready to download.

That is sorted at least. Oh I have to copy down that login and the email one, I don't know them by heart.

Alright all done, I snapped a pic of them, as I don't want to write them down actually.

I do feel a bit better now. I guess it's the thought of the unknown that was panicking me.

Now I'm just co-operating and waiting to see what happens next...

Oh and last night, T, checked up on me. I don't know if he was just bored but he asked me how I was doing.

And I just felt weepy really, so I just said Scared and then he pressed and asked for details.

As I pretty much thought he would, except what could I say?

I'm notoriously private. I'm having financial issues? Nope, I never discuss money.

I'm having legal issues? Nope, too personal. I kept it vague and said It doesn't matter.

Then he said Do you want hugs? And I thought, what I want is to be comforted, to hear, it's going to be ok.

I don't want any flirtiness, not while I'm vulnerable like this.

So again, I just laid my feelings bare and said What I want is to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Pretty pathetic.

And he said the right thing, which was That is allowed.

My last reply was Not for me. I put up a tough front and I do, around others.

It's only when I'm alone, do I crumble and let it all out. I berate myself for being weak,

Especially around other people because of the many judgements and exploitations.

He didn't reply further and I was getting sleepy so that is that. Oh I guess there is one last thing.

I kinda figured out, what is next on the latest Christmas story, I wasn't sure where to go but then I figured it out, so I have updated it, but that one is still in drafts.

Hopefully if I get the chance to conclude it, it will be unveiled in December.

It needs a lot of work. It will probably end up being another mixed emotions story.

#BlogLife770 - Exit randoms

Sorry about my lack of post yesterday, I had a strong feeling that by the time Monday came around I would be all talked out.

And I was. I got up late, I have been managing to sleep but the troubles and stress are constantly present.

As is Friday's appointment and the letter tasks. I kinda want to run away from it all or find a peaceful memory and time in my life where it wasn't chaotic..

But I know I have to find the courage to face it and appear strong.

I don't want to worry everyone checking up on me. It's my mess and I will attempt to clean it up.

I want to write something happy but then maybe a tearjerker is more fitting.

I'm not sure what will put me in the right mood to create some or finish off some fiction.

It's 11.39pm at night, I'm not sleepy tired but my brain and body are probably done for the day.

Although it seems like my mind is open to talking once more.

I had my phone off for most of the day. I just wasn't up to communicating.

I haven't been on chat either. Tomorrow I have to check the post.

I really don't think our Posties do daily deliveries anymore.

How different my life would be if I was normal, grew up without fear and illnesses.

What if I went on regular dates and had positive experience?

What if I was married and found a hubby that didn't hurt me, that was awestruck by me?

Would he encourage me to write or say it was a waste of time?

I don't have this bugging feeling I'm missing out because I think would be constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think for the most part, I still just want to be left alone.

But sometimes I wonder, what it's like to be respected?

What it's like for someone to have your back and think of you as their other half and family.

Must be nice huh? I realise that it still wouldn't be idyllic. There would be issues too.

Would he like my crazy uneven thinning short hair with specks of grey?

Would he truly understand my need for space? My phone off, cuddled under the blankie or duvet, not wanting to open up or be touched?

Content to leave me be and not play hero and fix me.

But instead to let me work it out alone and satisfied in the world of silence and gaming?

Not all the time, sometimes I would readily share but other instances, I would be unreachable. 

Would he be patient? Or would he bribe me with smiles and food and compliments?

Or would he just sit next me, put his arm around and let me sob, for however long it took to release it??

Hmm I guess I will never know..

Back to reality, I thought my blankie was broken but thankfully, the cord was just loose.

Another item, I can't afford to replace now, that was a huge tool in my pain management fixes.

It's weird MC popped out of nowhere and texted and he's the last random to part company with.

I haven't blocked him or T, as they haven't done anything wrong but I just feel it's time to break away from people.

I don't want to ignore them and then have this big confrontation, I can't deal with that.

I don't know if I'll get back in contact with either of them. I just told MC, that I'm not good and that's why I'm cutting ties and thanked him for his humour.

I've known him the longest, off and on, for maybe a year or more?

I don't recall and he replied with Good luck and I hated that, because it's so applicable to my situation.

None of these randoms are that bothered about me leaving them, which is fine.

Even though I'm not, I do feel alone and scared.

My Oneplus Nord CE2 Lite, just had a software update, not to android 15, just a regular one.

It didn't take long at all.

For anyone playing Unsolved Enigmatis, there's a huge bug in the game, which I'm sure they have fixed by now.

I am never doing any updates, as to get extra hints or energy, you have to watch an advert, but it doesn't load, so you get it for free.

If you want to hoard up on the energy and hints, every few hours, just request more by clicking on the plus + sign and then you'll have extra, that's what I'll do from now on.

It's one long game, that I think was split up into 3 sections and when you download it, all the parts are there.

But weirdly enough, it started me backwards, so I did the final chapter first, strange.

The only negative is the lil games and hidden objects part, as I have bad eyes, they don't explain it well and it's very hard to see clearly.

Plus half the time, you don't know what you're doing and what you need items for, so you have to load up the Walkthroughs, to get ideas.

It is nice to have a completely free extensive point and click game though, with the option of hints and energy that don't require real cash.

Props to them for that.

#Bloglife769 - Love to L/Evil rationale

I offered to call L on discord and elaborate a bit more on the situation and on most if not all sites, I usually block the webcam and microphone options but I completely forgot about that.

So I missed her call and tried to return it but it said the mic is disabled, go to chrome settings to switch it and it was under security and site, I then just changed it to allow.

And boom but before all that, I just said I would use the mobile instead as all it asked was permission to use the mic, I clicked ok and the call was just instant.

She was clear, I was understood and we just talked for an hour, I was literally laughing and crying.

She is the best person, totally sweet and she definitely did make me feel less hopeless.

Like all is not lost. I appreciate that and her. I actually am hungry so I'm cooking some garlic bread, plain and hmm, either I'll pair it with some cod or maybe wings.

I think cod because, I enjoy that and at the moment, going off beef.

Those Gullon crackers things are sooo yummy, I bought 2 tubs, only because they are a £1 each and I can use it to feel my hunger pangs as it's a big tub.

It's actually a really bright and sunny day today, maybe that's a positive sign?

Oh yea I have flavoured ice poles, it's been too cold to eat them, but today is the right temperature.

I sometimes forget, that not everyone in this world is horrible. Today is a nice reminder of that.

I'm going to eat, watch Oh yea, the second season of Found is back, I started watching it and then got chatting to L.

Wanna watch it with me? That first new episode was great, whereas the second episode of High Potential seemed a bit slow.

I talked to Mama and she apologised for basically putting me into this spot.

Which I dismissed as I don't fully blame her, that's her son and she's unable to cut ties, but his influence on my life is devastating and continues to haunt me.

That part aggravates me because I repeatedly tell her, not to mention both of their names and any information regarding them.

But it's almost as though she does it on purpose, so that maybe I can sympathise with them?

I have no idea still, how both of them have a more elevated status to her, than I do???

I don't care about money, but an example of what I'm talking about, is that she gave them both an early inheritance and didn't leave me anything but will set aside the remainder of her savings.

I have never wanted anything from her, except to be treated as an equal.

So she said, Oh don't worry, he got his karma, because he was scammed out of money, from a housing investment.

And I thought, why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to pity him?

Do you think that makes it acceptable, what he has done to me? Are we even now? Is that how malice works?

Because he's suffering, somehow it's fine what he did to me, on purpose??

Getting me in trouble with the law and having all my savings taken and making me worry about not being able to survive financially or emotionally?

I didn't say anything of the above to her, I'm not intending to hurt her feelings but between you and me, I am angry.

I still feel like she gives them a free pass to treat me like crap and she's been doing that all my life and that's not alright.

It's as though she wants me to remain a doormat, that's how it feels, to constantly forgive them, or make her conscience clear.

I have no idea but like I said before as long as they are around, I fear for my life and sanity.

I know they will both always find ways to hurt me. They don't reside anywhere near me but their reach seems to extend to my mind.

The same as my entire childhood, I feel trapped and like there is no escape ever.

I continue to teeter on the edge. Sorry I just can't be perky at the moment.

I need to continue airing these feelings out, while I have access to my laptop.

My problem with her is that, although she didn't raise monsters, she taught us to respect others and be upstanding people.

She seems to brush all their wrongdoings under the carpet, but mine, she gloatily highlights them and knocks my confidence.

Oh and the icing on the cake, was when she said, Hmpff, well if he ever expects you to speak to him again, that will be his tough luck.

Excuseeeeee me?????? He's out to destroy my life and you think I have ever wanted anything to do with him?

You think even if he didn't do this, I would be buddy buddy with him????

Alright, admittedly, selfishly, I would prefer she cut him out of her life too, I wouldn't ask her or expect her to do that.

But at least I would feel a lil freer, than I do now. After all this is over and if by some lucky stroke, the damage isn't too bad..

I don't know how I'll feel about blogging/talking. I may just take a break from it.

Blogging is my necessity but I'm feeling emptier and emptier. I will see how it goes, I'm not positive or negative, just realistic.

Oh I think officially, both the housing benefit and JSA have stopped so if Universal Credit rejects my claim..

Plus I have to pay a fine. I can pay one or two more rent payments and then I'm broke.

I have an appointment on Friday and maybe I'll know more about my claim. Plus the letter would or should also arrive by then.

I can do the bank/paypal statements and send them off. My stomach is back to lurching but that could also be cramps.

#BlogLife768 - Now what?

I think I've been up since 7am/8am, not out of bed but laying half asleep, drifting in and out, letting my mind panic.

But now it's lunchtime, I actually did feel a small hunger pang, so I made myself a fried egg sandwich with the sprinkled mixed herbs fueled with black pepper.

Sneaky they supplemented it with that to fill up the bottle, it's not listed as an ingredient but it's still tasty and enhances any dish.

My sweet bundle just arrived, tracker chocolate and peanut and the picnic bars.

They will keep for when I'm in the mood, which isn't now. I don't know whether or not to quit the Match Masters team I'm in.

I actually like them but they require a weekly commitment and my mind is consumed.

Although gaming is a stress buster..... 

I just added some screenshots of the Playtime app, so if anyone wants to look at it, to get an idea, it's up on Twitter @SleeplessScrib1.

I've now got 15388 points and to get £5 I need 28000 so an ickle wickle bit over the halfway mark.

I think Corsodyl has changed the recipe of their mouthwash and made it weaker.

It doesn't pack the same punch as it used too, seems less effective.

Why do companies cheap out so much? You have a good quality product and you ruin it.

Iceland has quite a few new products that I want to try. Screw it, I had a glorious nap, feel refreshed and am just going to do an iceland shop.

I will just limit it to what I really need which is quite a lot of household and the groceries part, things that will stretch over time.

If I spend under £40, the charge is £5.30, I would rather not waste that fiver.

I'm quite surprised just over 3 months have passed and I'm still using the Yes To Tomatoes moisturiser, liberally.

It's 50ml but they pack a lot into it. I know it's on the thin side but that's good value for money.

That's nice the dark brown chocolate trousers arrived from Hermes/Evri, nice and early.

It was 2 pairs for £18, so £9 each, not bad really. Well actually it was £14 so £7 each, the Hermes postage was £4 as it was tracked, but it's still reasonable.

They don't seem too bad actually, nice and warm and thick winter trousers and because it's not light, maybe it won't look so bad, against my skin?

The last of the splurges. Now all that is left is a purple duvet set between now and 3pmish with the local Postie.

I've already unpacked the groceries. I tried Iceland's new chicken bake, pretty tasty, 22 minutes seemed to be the perfect cooking time.

Just nibbling on the Gullon garlic and herb crackers as they were back in stock.

That's going to be a bread substitute, something to snack on and fill me up.

I think panic, has turned into numbness, I'm just resigned to it now.

Oh and typical, stress used to halt my periods, but looks like it's turning into another 3 week one. Ugh!

*Shrugs*

#BlogLife767 - Mind over matter/I am a bad person

I've been away two seconds and look, talking to you again. It was so strange me and Mama kept missing each others calls.

And I was starting to get worried, that it just disconnected each time.

But I thought I would try one more time and luckily it rang and we chatted, turns out, we had been calling each other at the exact same time, repeatedly.

She said that she wished she could have a windfall so that we wouldn't have to rely on anyone for cash and that she would have liked to have cruised together or gone on a holiday.

So I try to keep it as light as possible and reminded her that we had many lovely trips together.

Especially the Iceland ones, remain my favourite to date and while there we were on a ferry and it was so rough, I was glued to the bathroom.

So we both laughed because I said I was notoriously motion sick, even to this day, car journeys affect me.

When I used to travel to Morefield's, sometimes my stomach would not stop lurching.

She was worried about me too, but I told her to think positive and hope for the best.

I can worry for both of us, I'm an expert. I don't want to force my problems onto people, it doesn't seem appropriate, probably because it was never a natural thing.

I'm the supporter, not the supported.

I didn't mean to worry L, with all she is coping with and T was actually pretty sweet and understanding, he sent hugs and didn't press, which I thoroughly appreciated.

I'm not attention seeking, I'm just trying to deal with this by myself.

I mean hell, I would love a shoulder to cry on but I'm upset and dehydrated enough, I'm not sure there is any moisture in my eyes left.

I'm trying not to get into bad habits, but my stomach was in knots and food was the last thing on my mind, despite still being on my monthly.

I had the sum total of a bag of crisps today, those hula hoop puft yummy ones and a few sips of water and that was all I could deal with.

I would usually do a grocery shop, but what if I can't afford food anymore?

As long as my rent and bills are covered, I can go back to what I did before, when there was barely any money for food available.

Bread and fillings, very cheap and cheerful meal rations or just drink water as a meal replacement.

It will be budgeting and weight-loss all wrapped up in one neat bow.

I should sleep, weirdly enough the thing I found that put my mind at ease, aside from talking to Mama, was youtubey food videos, gaming and talking to you lot.

Maybe I'll try and do a rush job and finish all the stories, that would be so weird.

I did have some sleep but before that my mind was racing and it was the same this morning.

Although what I did, now makes me a bad person, at least I haven't ever tried to hurt anyone.

I can be a mature adult and say I deserve whatever happens to me.

Even though, it kills me, that I'm playing right into his hands, he wants me to be despondent and depressed and feel there is no way out.

What aggravates me is that Mama just fed into the beasts hand, when she told my ex sibling.

Oh what you did, she is very upset about. I mean he's probably laughing his evil head off, thinking great, my plan worked.

Destroy her at all costs. I'm beginning to think he's driving me to a fatality, just end her peace and drive the final nail into the coffin.

It's working, the very lil peace of mind I had left, is now obliterated.

I'm convinced I'm going to be fined an exorbitant unaffordable amount, raked through the coals, incarcerated and therefore homeless if I ever survive it.

Or that all benefits will stop, with a huge fine added, and there will be no way to pay my expenses and I'll end up evicted and homeless.

Try to think on the bright side? I don't think I can. Weirdly enough, I think this helps to just put all my fears out there.

I'm going to miss my huge memory foam mattress bed, so comfy, I could hide under the duvet and pretend I'm safe from all evil.

It's the waiting that's hard to bear. The not knowing my fate.

#BlogLife766 - I don't know if I'll survive this time... Goodbye?

I said I was going to make breakfast and yet here I am writing tomorrow (today's) post.

Yesterday I thought I would get some trousers. They had the black, blue and brown shades.

I don't buy brown as it washes out a caramel complexion but I've already got the blue and black, so I thought to hell with it.

I haven't bought anything brown since I was a teenager but I have to change things up.

The reason I like these, is because I can choose the leg length and I go for 29" as I am a shortie.

I wonder if I should have chose 27. I just saw a purple winter nightie but at £25 that seems a lot, it does have good reviews though.

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Here we are again, I just got a call to say.. You've been reported and you're in trouble.

He went ahead and did it, how spiteful does someone have to be? And when it's your own ex family stabbing you in the back, well that's just life, I guess.

The most horrid people get away with doing the unthinkable and the rest of us deal with the consequences.

Again I'm not perfect but I am just trying to get through this life. I was supposed to declare something and I omitted it.

Because that specific thing was never asked about, I just told myself it wasn't relevant and forgot about it.

I've always tried to be responsible and upfront but for this one thing I just chose a different path to the normal.

Now I have to give a bunch of bank/paypal statements within 2 weeks of receiving the demands letter and I guess I'll probably be fined and possibly prosecuted.

All I want to do is pay my monthly bills and try to escape the stress and chronic pain/exhaustion/depression.

Most of my financial obligations are gas, electricity, water, council tax, phone, broadband and rent.

Plus buy groceries. This is a list of my expenses and a description of what it is every month.

My council tax is £16 a month.

My rent is £615.52 but not all of is covered, (£540.48 I receive and contribute £75.04 per month).

My thames water bill is £40 a month.

Oh yea forgot about the TV licence bill, which is £15 a month, when I don't watch television, just Youtube.

EDF for electricity and gas is £33 and £42, I don't know which is which. £75 in total.

My BT is £37 for landline and broadband and I don't use my home phone.

My EE mobile phone contract is £18.89.

Let's add all that up and that's not including groceries, extras,  household and Oyster travel expenses.

That's £780.41 including my rent contribution.

Now let's add the JSA monthly addition, £181 x2 because it's every fortnight.

That comes up to £362. Now let's minus my rent contribution and bills.

Rent £75.04, Council Tax, £16, Thames Water £40, TV Licence £15, EDF £75, BT £37, EE £18.89.

Which minus £362 equals £85.07. Let's say the Oyster is about £15 a month.

That brings it down to £70, that's £17.50 to spend on groceries and household per week.

The only problem with that is I can't do a manual shop, I can't carry that much.

The minimum spend for most online groceries is about £40 so that would mean, I could purchase food or household but not both.

By household I mean, kitchen towels, toilet rolls, bleach, fabric detergent, handwash, washing up liquid, tissues, sanitary towels, shampoo/conditioner, cream, lotion, eye drops, saline, cleaner, lens cases, shower gel/bath soak and toothpaste/mouthwash.

Even if I bought the cheapest brands which aren't always available I would still be unable to budget.

The supermarket own, irritates my skin anyway. Now I don't know what will happen with JSA or the new claim with Universal Credit.

All she said was let Universal Credit know, which I updated my the money part, to add it.

I don't know if they'll suspend all help and start me on a payment debt plan and confiscate all savings as part of that, with an ongoing bill?

Or they might just throw me in jail but then how would they get their money?

I feel like I should be tarred and feathered and pushed into a public arena and taunted mercilessly.

Possibly put in stocks? Maybe stoned to death?

I'm human and we are all infallible, we all do the wrong thing at times.

At least while it was possible, I was able to help Mama out, if she needed something extra.

I could treat her to lunch or whatever she needed replacing or fixing.

I guess from now on luxuries I can't afford are clothes, pedicures, makeup, bedlinen, a new phone contract, essential oils, takeout, body butters.

A new laptop, when this one dies. footwear and gifts. Oh crap cabbing it to Mama is also out.

With my hands deteriorating and the whole of my back stiffening, I'm not sure taking several buses is even an option now.

As I would have to carry the laptop case, the handbag, the overnight bag and maybe stand up, if no seats are available, for the whole 1hrish journey.

All festive trips to her might just be cancelled.

As usual I keep certain details private but now I just aired out all my dirty laundry.

I'm too sick to work but not disabled enough according to the Government.

I'm stuck stuck stuck looking for employment that I cannot physically manage to do and that's been my life.

I just have to wait for the letter, that she said will probably arrive next week.

I've completely lost my appetite and my strength to persevere. When it arrives I will head to the library and take my login details, as I don't have a printer.

And just give them 6 years worth of statements, from 1st January 2018 until now, from Paypal and my bank.

I will include that and anything else they tell me and post it back in the prepaid envelope.

This is why I said before that if I stop posting for an extended period, it won't be by choice.

It is because they have convicted me and thrown away the key and I don't see myself as having enough fight in me, to want to survive that situation.

With no support system in place for me. I will give up and this blog will die. I can't seem to wrap this up.

I'll try after adding these last bits. What struck me is the abusive sibling that I grew up with is claiming UK benefits and not even living in England.

Secondly, yesterday, the EE agent, was all animated about offering me multiple discounts as EE and BT have officially merged and I am with both of them.

It all just seems like nonsense though, as giving me about 3 separate offers, still did not deduce the price that much.

After all that bs, I was still asked to pay more for my contract then I usually do.

Now I'm relieved I didn't renew. Either I will stay and that way keep the same price or switch to Pay As You Go.

The one interesting thing that will come to light, is that I'm paying some of my rent, which I shouldn't be.

Secondly, the amount of times I have had to make full rent payments when the Housing Benefit has randomly stopped, is crazy.

The landlord just seems to flippantly say, every once in a while, Oh yea you're in masses of debt.

Yet I pay every 2 weeks. I would have been homeless a long time ago......

Finally (last bit I promise), I just want to add, that the person who called from DWP, took absolute pleasure in her role of scaring me to death.

There was no sympathy or understanding. It was just lil jabs and even dialogue to put me at ease and throw me off.

Asking about my unusual surname and vacations, like we were buddies.

I can't travel, my passport isn't valid but even if it was, I can barely get to a local place, let alone abroad.

It was like she was playing her own version of good cop, bad cop.

Then it was a cheerily Have an enjoyable rest of the day..... Yea while you've turned my world upside down, uh huh.

I've always tried my utmost best to be nice, to help others, to give them confidence and support and to nearly always do the right thing.

Surely that must count for something?

I'm cutting my ties just in case. I've said my Goodbyes to L and T, it's not fair to just disappear.

But if the worst does happen to me, then at least they won't worry, they can move on to better friends.

If I'm up to it. I'll talk next week, if not take care. It dawned on me, why I can't finish this post.

I've forgotten to say Goodbye to you dear readers. I'm going to miss talking to you most of all.

No matter, how small or silly the ramblings were, you listened to all of it.

And hopefully sympathised or laughed along with me, through all the silliness or exaggerations.

Maybe you thought I was a lil dorky with all the silly spoof posts? (Were they any good? I've always wondered if anyone giggled)?

Maybe you thought I was too easily angry, with all the ranty posts? 

(Although, you'll never know how much it helped to offload and have someone listen/read, without interrupting or judging too harshly, I hope).

The poignant posts like Dear Bully and Crazy Self Therapy and maybe even this one, maybe you're crying along with me?

Or at least can feel my pain. Those were agony, to open up all those wounds, that were left dormant and to confront all the misery and brutality of being constantly mentally abused and physically assaulted.

Especially when you're your own brick wall and it's not that you don't have anything to contribute, you just can't seem to speak.

This is gonna take a big toll on Mama.

All those fictional stories that I poured my guts into. I had many love/hate moments.

I adored the outcome, even if I never quite felt I measured up to the standards of a genuine writer.

As though I really don't belong in the writer's room but I don't belong anywhere, I never have.

So much writer's block, so much time wanting to quit. Those unpublished, unfinished stories that I just can't seem to focus on.

This year's Christmas one keeps playing on my mind, actually they all do.

It's not anything special but my favourite thing to write is the daily posts, which I turned into #BlogLife.

Even stressed or not wanting to talk to a single soul, I would be bursting to tell you about my mundane day.

Most of the time, nothing dramatic happened but hopefully I could spin it, into something entertaining?

Thank you for taking a chance on my itty bitty, tiny, pictureless blog.

I finally got to share. I opened up. I created a safe space for myself and my voice was finally heard.

I appreciate that, as someone who never experienced it before.

People always had an agenda, quid pro quo or just tell me your secrets so I can take advantage.

Here on Blogger from 2017 I grew up a lot and let some of my barriers down and let you see pieces of me, that no-one else saw.

I somewhat healed and the rest is beyond repair. Whatever happens next, whoever comes and goes into your life..

Be your own gatekeeper. Take care of yourself and don't let anyone hurt you.

Remember that you are one of a kind and I'll miss you.

I don't think I'll ever delete this blog, unless I want to start afresh or go into hiding.

But that also means I would have to delete Twitter.. I should eat, it's nearly 5pm and I've been talking nonstop..

#BlogLife765 - Thinking of leaving? Upgrade haggle

It's been a productive morning, I got some answers about something I was supposed to do and it turns out, nothing extra was needed ha.

I was so confused and now that is out of the way. Now all that is left to do is to get a decent phone contract deal, yet again.

Unfortunately EE doesn't have a specific retentions path, it's upgrades and retentions.

So I will ask about when my contract is officially up, which should be soon in October and looking at the website Uswitch..

I can see that there are cheaper deals, I don't think they do a price match but it's a good thing to point out.

Vodafone, 02 and 3, plus ID, which runs on 3 are all significantly cheaper than EE's upgrade deals.

Why would I stay? Well personally, I like EE, the network is the smoothest for me in a bad reception area.

But they don't need to know that. I'm supposed to be disgruntled and fed up, which I kinda am.

I wonder if they really talk to their managers for permission to offer a better deal?

He put me on hold for ages. The price does keep dropping but not enough.

I didn't realise my contract isn't officially up yet. It closes on the 24th October.

From googling advice, one option was to say you've found a cheaper deal elsewhere, which I did.

On Uswitch, they were offering £12/13 a month on Vodafone, 3 and 02 was £16 a month.

Plus these were all with no upfront handset costs. He wanted me to pay £50 to get it down to £20 a month??

It doesn't compare. I knew they wouldn't go that low, so I am realistic.

I was hoping it would be knocked down to £17 at least. I said that when my contract ends, what's the procedure to leave?

And he said just request a PAC code, but if you use it before the 24th, you get charged an early cancellation fee.

(Plus using the PAC terminates your contract, which I don't want to do).

So I told him, I would just call back nearer the end of October to do that.

This is the time, they used to call back and offer me a satisfactory price but maybe they don't care about loyalty?

He did seem noticeably disappointed. I really want a new phone already, I've settled on the Samsung A15 in blue.

Oh as a reminder, the price quotes went from £44 to £37 and finally £31.

It's still not anywhere near the amount I'm willing to pay. I was polite but determined to leave.

Unfortunately it seems like I will have to do this sorry dance all over again at the end of the month.

Ugh!! Why can't they just be nice and give me a reasonable contract??

They are just gouging people on prices and they hike the prices up automatically each year anyway, that's another reason I want it as low as possible.

I have 4gb of data I don't use, unlimited calls and texts, which I fluctuate with.

The only reason to be on contract is for the free phones. I refuse to spend a couple hundred pounds on a phone.

Nope! Pay As You Go is a better option but there is no phone attached.

I am going to forget about phones for a while and have breakfast.

#BlogLife764 - Mouth operator

Evening, I was driving myself nuts looking for my spare toothbrush heads bundle, as it works out cheaper to buy them in bulk and they were nowhere to be found.

Then I was moving bags around and found them yay. I had forgotten I bought a mixture of the regular and a fancier one that seems like it deep cleans.

I just tried it just now, wow, it's powerful and more spinny, it's like the toothbrush version of a face brush.

I would rather buy that type from now on, it's like using a brand new electric toothbrush.

I can't recall the name of it but it's refreshing. I'm just waiting for my mud mask to dry and continuing on with the de-stressing weekend.

It's now Tuesday morning, how times flies. It's lovely and cold and drizzly and as usual got caught out in it.

I don't mind though. I'm still cramping, still feeling sicky, but today went rather smoothly.

I was going to do a bit of shopping but I felt too rubbishy and tired so I didn't bother.

I just had a few things to do and an acquaintance helped me out which was really sweet and now there is 1-2 small tasks left but I'm going to leave that until tomorrow.

We are in October, can you believe it? It feels like it was summer a minute ago and it still feels odd wearing a coat but I like this season the most.

Ooh I remembered to cancel the free trial of Prime just in time, it runs out on Thursday and I might have forgotten.

Hopefully I'll get another one for Christmas as it's easier to send the gifts directly.

I did forget to do the hair oil treatment, today would have been ideal as my hair got wet from the rain, so it would have double rinsed it.

I don't know why salt helps with cramps and nausea but it really does.

The last thing was to get some chocolates. I just bought them online instead, the Picnic set and I used to love the cereal bar Tracker, with oats, peanuts and chocolate chips I think.

Oh and at some point I have to remove my makeup ha.