#BlogLife783 - It's money, not love, that makes the world go around..

Umm well today is the day the money is supposed to go into my account so I can pay my rent.

I was dreading checking it, thinking it's going to be delayed. The last payment I made was a fortnight ago and the arrears are climbing, whether they add interest or not, I have no idea.

I don't know how the landlord does it, but it always seems to be a higher amount than usual.

I checked my balance and thank heavens there was a payment there. I was so relieved and quickly called up to settle my bill.

Only to be told it's more than expected. I explained the situation about the switchover and I'm already just over £300 in debt.

I was given for the month, £666.81 and the rent is supposed to be £615.52 for the month but she said it was more than that.

They just seem to have poetic licence to charge whatever the hell they want.

I should have made a note, but I'm pretty sure she said it was above £615 hmm.

Anyway what she advised is to wait for my next payment, possibly on the 31st November, I have no idea, if there will even be a housing payment or maybe they will cut me off.

Plus there is the fine, hanging over. I have no answers..

She said they will assess it then and most likely I will contribute to the rent, to clear it.

I thought I am so used to doing that already, that it's pretty standard!

I was really tempted to just pay it off but I just feel like being cautious at the moment so I'm going to wait for now..

If the housing benefit stops, I'm going to need every penny to survive.

I wanted to use up the Just Eat stampcard balance but I'm too petrified of any non essential spending.

£16 is going to be wasted because I think they want me to spend a fiver or tenner minimum and I'm not sure I can spare it.

Ugh it sucks and this period is lasting 2 weeks, with no sign of stopping.

I'm fed up frankly of not knowing what outcome awaits me. It could have been worse, they could have delayed the payment further.

At least I was able to pay some of my rent, that's a good thing as I was really upset about that.

Next Tuesday I'll have my first official Universal Credit appointment so maybe they'll advise me of the payments then.

I wonder how often I'll be required to see them? Weekly? Fortnightly or Monthly?

#BlogLife782 - I'm sick of stressing

I was looking for something to watch to put my mind at ease and I discovered that DI Ray season 2 was finally out.

I'm completely hooked and already trying to unravel the mystery and work out who the baddies are..

I'm resigned to whatever is going to happen next, I don't have a good feeling at all.

More and more things seem to pile on and yep I am a pessimist but then my life isn't exactly easy either, hence this whiny blog.

Oh I tried the Balconi hazelnut cake rolls, quite nice and that reviewer is right, it is almost like a cake version of Ferreros.

I don't know if I would purchase it again, I prefer other cake styles.

In the Match Masters game, I've found a good active team, I was going to quit but gaming relaxes me so I've stayed.

I would say the only negative thing about them is that they are booster snobs, only the highest and best will do, when if you're desperate or skilled, you can make any one work for you, well.

I don't understand that mentality of, asking for boosters and then rejecting them because they are not good enough..

If that was me, I would take take take.

There's no real updates and that's why I'm struggling to write because all I do is constantly worry about not being able to survive and take care of myself.

I go to sleep panicking, I wake in the middle of the night.. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, there is no getting away from it.

I've done what I could but even that doesn't feel enough and they love making the claims extra difficult.

When am I going to catch a break? When is there going to be some peace of mind?

It's getting increasingly harder to stay upbeat and not crumble into a pile of tears.

My hormones are all over the place and I guess at the moment, I feel what is the point of carrying on?

What is the point of anything, when I feel I have no future?

#BlogLife781 - Nobody will take care of you, but you!!

I had an uneasy sleep and then I checked my emails for any appointments, there wasn't any but there was a notification to say login, there's a message.

I thought, here it is, my bills aren't going to be covered and I'm going to be stuck borrowing money from now on..

There was no immediate ping or flashing envelope and then I went on the homepage and it said it's ready to view.

It turns out, thankfully, with a deduction because of my savings, they are still covering my monthly expenses.

I am so relieved, I can pay my rent in full, and all my bills and I can afford to get groceries and household stuff.

I was so worried that from now on I couldn't afford to live. It was a real concern that everything was going to pile up and there would be angry letters demanding payments.

And I thought the evil side of my family is cackling away like a witch, pleased with themselves for causing heartache and misery.

I have a feeling I was right, they were waiting for the statements to arrive before they updated me, as I wasn't due to hear until Sunday or next week.

Now that is out of the way, one last thing remains, I wait once more, to hear back about a fine or worse or a combination of the two.

It's like her impression of me is that I'm wasting money, holidaying abroad, buying expensive gadgets, eating out at pricey restaurants, getting designer gear and blowing through the allowance they pay me.

The reality is far less glamorous. The money goes on rent, bills, food, more bills, more expenses.

Oh and also budget clothes and takeout when I'm absolutely shattered or too ill to move.

I guess the indulgences are pedicures but as that is cash in hand, that won't show up on the statements.

I contributed to the rent, I paid off all the landlord's sporadic "arrears." Whenever they decided to say, Oh by the way, you owe us hundreds and hundreds, when I pay them regularly..

It doesn't make sense to me and they never say Oh by the way, you owe us a lil extra..

They whimsically say, every once in a while, You're in masses of debt to us.......

Quickly make a large payment, right now!

Anyway I don't want to repeat myself, I just wanted to say, there have been loads of times where I almost felt guilty for buying food or taking care of myself, when I have expenses to pay.

But once again, I try to be as responsible as I can. Pay what I owe, on time and then see if there is anything left over for me.

I've worked out why the wifi has been off and on, they are doing roadworks again, they love digging up the road.

I'm always going to be careful with money.

Oh a weird thing that is happening at the moment with the Playtime app, is that they keep removing all the downloadable games and replacing it with another money making application.

Why on earth would you promote a rival? Unless it's a partner company?

But even if it is, why are you removing the games, you want us to play? It doesn't make sense whatsoever.

I called the landlord and explained that I should be able to make a payment next week, I'll only be a week late and then they can calculate it for monthly, not fortnightly from now on.

Then I'll supposedly be up to date, until the next time, they say Oh you owe us.......Blah blah blah..

Lastly I told Mama, that I can manage my bills, as she was worried and I wanted to remove that burden I had placed on her, as soon as I had news.

Hmm yet another screwy notification. The Housing Benefit randomly selected my claim to be flagged for a review.

I basically had to re-claim, that's what it felt like. I had to upload, bank/paypal statements, something with my NI number, which I lost the card, eons ago but I found something.

Then it was evidence about the Universal Credit switchover, as per usual there was nothing in writing, so I just took a screenshot of the payment page, screw it.

Then it was a passport identification photo, I don't care that it's expired, it still has my name on it.

Plus rent statements which I just uploaded the receipt but called he landlord to request a proper statement just in case they want that too.

And I guess the payment I was going to receive this week, is now on hold.

That's depressing again, I was looking forward to paying my rent and bills, while the balance continues decreasing.

Oh and I finally got a Universal Credit appointment for the 5th November Guy Fawkes.

Once again, I'm lost, I don't know what's going to happen. It's not like the form is straightforward, it just is utterly confusing about what information they want, I just put everything, I over-explained but sod it, it's all there for them.

Just as I was starting to think, it's all going to somehow be bearable, it's all a mess once more.

I think I'll just keep this to myself and not tell anyone, until I know more, the crisis is mine alone to deal with.

More waiting. More worrying. It never stops really....

Ooh it's been just under 5 months and the body butter is only now finishing, that was a good run.

#BlogLife780 - Taking it, one emotion at a time..

I got up nice and early for the Iceland delivery and thankfully most of it was there, the coleslaw was out of stock and for some reason there was a missing item, the sanitary towels, although I have stocked up on them, just prefer to have extra, in case Iceland runs out.

I just had a lil taste of the Chicken Tonight, honey and mustard, ooh it's quite flavourful, at first it's a bit of a shock.

It's slightly tangy and sweet, very creamy, a good sized jar and I'm just going to add it to the chicken and pasta dishes.

I was expecting the mustard to be stronger but I'm glad it isn't. It's not that sweet but it's not overpoweringly tart either.

It's funny, I thought I deleted the Heinz light mayonnaise from my order but I didn't.

I got that just in case I hated the Chicken Tonight. I rang up Iceland and got the refund, I'm so glad they didn't tell me to ring the local store, I can never get through and then the manager is never around, irritating!

I'm currently obsessed with their chicken bakes, but they were out of stock so I tried the chicken shop pies, the pastry isn't great, the filling is nice though.

Maybe I overcooked it but it seems really dry. I also got the Balconi rollino hazelnut mini cakes, I had to make up the order and I'm still craving sugar.

I'm not a big fan of the cake rolls but I do like nutty things and one reviewer remarked it was like Ferreros so I had to try it.

I also had a whiff of the Radox sleep aromatherapy bath soak, it smells nice but a lil ordinary.

So far I am underwhelmed because the few I've tried have been amazing, scent wise, really strong and fresh.

The green, the red and now this one but maybe when I actually use it, the essential oils will come through better?

I'm still off beef and cheese, but I can rotate the meals with eggs, chicken or fish.

T randomly checks up on me which is sweet, none of the others have done that.

He's dying of curiosity to know what's going on but I can't share, the personal stuff is just nobody else's business but my own.

I'm glad I've finally stopped putting in and removing my lenses near the edge of the bed, where they sometimes fall on the floor.

I've lost so many contacts that way, now I do it in the middle of the bed so if it falls I can spot it, easier.

#BlogLife779 - Hmm.. All done for now?

Ok I just saw something on the Universal Credit websitey thingy. They said on the 27th October, they will officially tell me how much my first payment will be.

Then on the 31st of October I will receive it. However what is confusing me, is they said, I stated I pay my own rent, does that mean they won't help with the rent costs anymore?

Good grief. It is the most confusing thing ever, every time I discover a new piece of information, I have a thousand more questions.

Why is it designed to be cryptic? I think they implied it will be a monthly payment from now on instead of fortnightly, which I was used too.

What was the money for yesterday supposed to cover? Good heavens, this is doing my brain in.

Maybe they are waiting until I have posted the letter but I still think, they have all the knowledge, prior to me sending it off, anyway.

I told them all about my expenses. I guess next week I will understand it better and see where I stand and how much I will contribute to the rent and bills and food, per month.

I'm still nervous and petrified. I just don't want to think about it anymore.

I've just gotten back from the Market, I think pretty much every bone in my body is aching.

There was no seats, coming or going so I had to stand up and my back in particular is killing me.

I was right, there is no more Post Office locally anymore. It is just a huge library.

I think Ryman's has taken it over, kinda, they seem to scan and photocopy and send off parcels maybe, I'm not sure.

I went in to enquire about the stamps and they sell a book of 8, for £13ish maybe.

I decided to go to the Newsagent and for 6x first class stamps it was £9something, just under a tenner.

I thought purchasing 4, seemed too lil, even though I googlied it and that was the standard.

I don't want to risk the post bouncing back to me, on a deadline so I thought, what the hell, just affix all 6 six stamps to it and it won't matter if it's too much, it will get there at least.

There's still no sign of any appointments, I checked the post and nothing there, so that's it for now, until she looks it over and gets back to me.

Ugh I tried to use the stampcard on Just Eat to get some food and typical it didn't work, I would have only paid a pound for a sandwich and garlic bread and fries.

I'll just make something later. I'm trying to be creative with the sandwiches so I don't get bored.

If they were creamier, it would be more satisfying to eat. I was contemplating, cooking sauces like lemon or a honey and mustard..

Or even a cheese and tomato, I know they are mean't to be stirred into the frying pan but I need something budget friendly that will last a while, that I'll actually savour.

There is a Chicken Tonight, honey mustard that's sweet and tangy, I'll try it, I'm not that keen on mustard unless it's the Americany sweet one.

But it seems like the only white version Iceland stocks, the rest seem spicy or tomato based.

#BlogLife778 - I've changed my mind, Gold-digging has it's appeal

I've just finished the Yes To Tomatoes moisturiser, I would buy it again for the scent and the fact it lasted a few months.

I'm now using the Clean and Clear, it's thin and lightweight and unfortunately unscented.

My combination skin is a lil bumpy and dry at the moment, from pmt, sugar and hormones.

It's nearly lunchtime but I don't feel hungry, I had a rough sleep, probably eventually knocked out about 4amish, I was tired but couldn't seem to switch off.

I saw that in the 1 calorie oil spray range from Frylight, they had a butter flavour that was new, I think last time I bought the olive oil or most likely sunflower.

I liberally sprayed the butter oil and it's like it didn't coat the panini press as the egg stuck to it.

I'm not impressed with that one at all, I'll use the others from now on.

I haven't seen the red Radox bath soak that I love but I have seen one I don't think I've tried, which is sleep therapy.

I checked and I don't think it has lavender which is common with these types of items, hate that scent.

I was also Googlying last night or this morning, to find out when the first Universal Credit payment would arrive and it could take up to 5 weeks, yeesh.

That's mid November, damn the rent arrears are going to be high.

There is no sign of an appointment either, plus I'm confused about the conflicting stories, some say you get paid once a month, others say, twice.

Ugh, it's all this not knowing which is stressful. Mind you I also read that the whole thing takes 3 months to process and my application went through quite fast, so maybe it won't be as long?

I hope not. 

Oh my God! I just checked the bank. I received a payment and I don't know if that's for the housing benefit alone and/or living expenses....

It's dated the 21st October and is for £38.61. How on earth am I supposed to pay all the bills with that?

The last payments were on the 4th and 7th October. Wow. Now I really am depressed.

What if that amount is to last me 4 weeks? The rent alone is £615.52 per month.

The bills are £201.89 for the month. The groceries are also about £160.

I don't know whether to just transfer all the money to my Bank and pay the rent or whether another one is due.

I was really hoping it wasn't as bad as this. Plus to pile on, I don't know how much the crippling debt will be.

I can't wait any longer tomorrow I'll get up early and go to the Post Office.

I'm still debating on the freepost thing but I'll feel better if I just put several stamps on it.

I actually don't even know if our Post Office is still open, I haven't seen anyone go into it for a long time.

If I buy a book of stamps, 4x should do it. I hope. I'm having second and third and fourth thoughts about making a downpayment on the debt,

I don't know what the best course of action is, to be honest. I hate owing money but I also need to be practical and still be able to pay the bills every month.

Now I'm in this predicament, I can see why women marry for money and security and not love.

It's sacrificing love and freedom but not stressing about money and being looked after is starting to look really appealing.

It's just a shame that I can't stand intimacy. Otherwise that would be an alternative out of this mess.

Plus I'm not cute or skinny enough to be a trophy wifey/mistress..

Hmm, back to the drawing board. What happens when the money runs out?

Answer - There will not be enough for food, maybe they will just barely pay the bills.

You don't need food to live right? I'll have the overall debt and then probably using the overdraft to borrow money which I can't pay back, so more debt.

And then no escape from it at all. I guess, eventually I'll be taken to court, fined even more, evicted and homeless.

Well, at least I won't have to worry about bills, I'll be living on the streets, no more blog, because everything will be repossessed to pay the fines off..

Alright I know, my brain is spiralling to the worst case scenarios but it's not that far fetched.

The savings won't last forever. I don't see how things will improve.

What can I realistically cut down on? Air? The only thing is the mobile phone contract.

Do I really need a phone? I barely talk to anyone but I think it's a requirement for emergencies and the Job Centre.

Sorry, I would for once, love to write something cheerful and upbeat.

I'm trying to keep it together but I don't know how all this is going to end up?

How do I navigate through this, even if I prepare the strictest budget possible?

*Shrugs*

#BlogLife777 - I never feel I measure up enough..

It's 11.46pm at night, I'm not ready to sleep yet. I had a fun chat with L earlier.T apologised for his late reply, ha, honestly I think he expects that I won't tolerate being ignored..

But I don't care if he's late, I care if he's a week or 2 weeks past due.

Although at the moment my mind is weighed down with what's currently going on.

But at the same time I feel hormonally yucky about myself. 

Like I'm just the most unattractive dull person out in the entire world.

T is trying to be flirty but not sleazy and I'm pushing him away saying..

You'd suit someone well rounded and confident..I also said I like the idea of romance and dating but not the reality so I wanna have a sex-free marriage/relationship/involvement lol.

So he replied Relax and that maybe I would learn to be comfy around him.

I personally don't think I'll ever be myself or feel safe around a man ever.

The only times that would change is within fiction or my dreams and I would still find a way to sabotage any potential happiness. 

I would question Why he chose me? What he sees in me?

And more importantly What the hell he expects from me??

At this moment in time, I feel ugly and inadequate. I know also that, the above answers to the questions wouldn't satisfy me.

I always get these complimentary onion crisps with the wings that I normally discard but I thought I would pair it with the chicken burger, nice but strong.

I really should have bought a sauce, even if I wasted it, very dry.

i would eventually ask them all again, scrutinising the responses to compare them to the previous ones.

This mood is somewhat pmt and mostly just truth about how I really see myself, aside from the rare sparkles of self esteem that seep in sporadically..

Well it's 5.23pm on a Saturday night, the sun has gone down, it's been a nice day actually.

I took out the bins and even though I haven't seen or heard the Postie, I thought let me check if there is mail.

There was, on the 30th they are doing smoke alarm checks, which is weird, I didn't think they bothered, but maybe it's a legal requirement thingy for landlords.

Anyway, it arrived, the bulk of the Bank statements and I was surprised, it's really small.

I'm not a wild spender anyway, more a conservative and I thought what is the best way to put them altogether.

Both wouldn't fit into the thin small stupid single envelope she sent me.

She knew they wouldn't all fit, more game-playing. I thought maybe I'll do several envelopes together and add a note, it was all from me.

But the simplest solution was to use the huge padded envelope I bought, put everything including the letter she sent and just add the address, take it to the Post Office next week and then have it weighed and pay for the stamps.

I sellotaped it good but what was funny, was writing the address pierced it, argh, only a tiny bit, but I switched pens and finished it off.

So that all is collected and done. I've done everything she asked and now I know for sure, she will get her damning evidence way before the 1st November deadline.

A week and a half I had left. I'm hoping I get my Universal Credit appointment next week and it will all line up.

I want to pay my bills before they start adding on interest. I just don't know how long they will reduce the payments and to what amount?

What will the verdict be? She'll probably laugh when I said I spent nearly £50 on printouts. Ugh!

I wonder how much the first class stamps will be? £5? Last bit to add, now I know why I'm still craving chocolate and feeling off.

Last night I started my period. Ughhh! I literally just finished a 4 week monthly and now on again.

I really hoped I would skip this month. No such luck! I don't know why the wifi is still acting weird.

It keeps going weak and disconnecting, normally it's pretty good and only acts up in stormy weather.

#BlogLife776 - I can't afford to dream..

I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, but I think the reason the brow strips are more effective, a tiny bit more at least is because I'm not as afraid to place it right under the eyebrow, so it can catch more stray hairs.

I was watching some old Youtubey foodie videos and some were dated back to Corona times, when people walked in and there was hand sanitisers at the front.

And I just remember each time I saw them and laughed and thought I'm not touching that, everyone's germy hands has been on it, yuck lol.

Moving on, that just popped into my head randomly. I don't know if there will be enough material to post today but we shall see what my brain comes up with.

I've just done a grocery shop for tomorrow and quite enjoying Iceland's pound range, particularly the creamy chicken bakes, 2x£1 and a decent size also.

Plus I'm still occasionally munching those mini mini potato pops, just buttery roast potatoes but somehow delicious.

T checked up on me today, said he missed our chats, he's away on a break.

He seems well rounded and sociable so I'm not sure why he stays in touch with an introvert.

He kinda tried to be a bit flirty but I'm not in the mood for that, so shut that down quickly.

Oh that's what I wanted to comment, there's still no sign of the Postie and it's been a few days.

I have a weekish until the deadline, to post it all, I mean it has to get there before the 1st November and that seemed ages away.

Hopefully next week it will arrive, no sign of anymore appointments this week, so I can relax-ish I guess.

I'm just curious how much money I have to set aside for bills and rent and food.

Officially the rent isn't due until next week, I don't want to get too behind on it.

Oh the other thing was, I finally finished my period, yeesh, still feel a bit crampy, but the bloatedness is gone as is the nausea.

About time too!!

I wasn't really sure what to buy to stretch out the meals so decided on some chicken fillets and wholemeal rolls and I'll make chicken burgers.

I wanted to get a sauce but I usually end up wasting those and binning them and I'm trying to only buy things, I know I will definitely use.

I have to budget even more carefully. I miss the days of walking into a shop and buying lil things, without worrying.

I'm not looking forward to being in masses of debt and being really really broke.

Oh another thing I was going to buy was a winter coat, my one has a tear but I guess that's not essential.

I should do my protein tablet for my lenses tonight, I still miss having 2 lenses but the Optician is being a pain in the ass.

Another update is that using the Badedas shampoo and the Vatika conditioner together is the perfect blend.

And the Vatika hair oils, I just realised, now it's been a few months, maybe, my scalp is way more softer.

My hair is silkier, it still gets greasy but it's less itchy, less dry and more hydrated.

It's just that these are premium products now, I'm not sure I can afford them anymore.

I would have eventually replaced the face brush, it just doesn't spin like it used too anymore.

#BlogLife775 - I'm my own heroine and will save moiself..

I've played and completed some of the Unsolved games but some are blocked by bugs and I'm unable to finish so I just start on something else.

I didn't realise under that one application, there were so many games, which is cool.

I just wish it wasn't so problematic but it is free with the option to buy energy or hints but I watch the non existent adverts or just quit for a while to focus elsewhere.

Yesterday I saw a volunteer customer service role I applied for, it's a bit confusing as on one hand it says Work From Home and then it also says On Location, tad perplexing.

I think I prefer the befriender type roles, they seem the least taxing but I suppose it depends on who you are talking too..

It's another freezing wintry day and on the 18th or 19th Matlock with what's her name is officially beginning.

Kathy Bates, that's it, she's very impressive in whatever she does and it made me laugh as she was playing this weak and feeble person, Yea right, she is tough as nails.

I saw the Pilot and it's a story within a story. I probably shouldn't give away spoilers.

Last night I watched the new season, well the first episode of Tracker, that was good too.

The spinoff to Citadel is Diana but it's in French I think so will pass on that.

Palm Royale another costume drama, that isn't really, seems like Desperate Housewives, a woman eager to fit in to the high life but doesn't realise, it's not all that. Hmm..

I've just finished grooming, trimmed my hair, filed my nails and did my brows.

I plucked a bit too and they seem actually passable. I prefer them thinner but it is what it is.

No sign of Postie today, unless he hasn't arrived or I missed him but I doubt it.

It's just past 4pm and I'll post this now and munch.

#BlogLife774 - Dear Mama - I don't want to say this/4 week period

I guess the good thing is that I remembered to do the hair oil thing, it felt good giving myself a scalp massage this morning.

Now I have a face mask on and I wanted to do the face brush but the battery is dead, as per usual, when I go to use it.

Something has been living in my mind and refuses to leave, so either this will stay a draft or I'll let it out.

I'm just fed up of having a family that is out to get me, and continues making my life a living hell.

You are my only tether to that evilness, your sons, I mean and if I cut ties with you, I feel like I'll finally be free and at peace.

Obviously I could never say this to you, but over the years, I've gotten close.

I can't stop thinking about it, around and around it goes. I feel like I'm literally being driven crazy.

First it's being just verbally tortured and threatened and now more than ever it feels psychological.

They win, they can have you all to themselves. I just want to stop being afraid, to stop looking over my shoulder, to be able to take a breath and not worry about the consequences.

It will be near impossible to say Goodbye, but if I don't do something for myself, I'm going to jump off the deep end.

Today I basically said, I don't care what happens to me anymore.

Let them cart me off to jail. I just can't stand it anymore. There is nothing left of me.

I want to have a life, I want to form a bond with someone. I want to be normal.

I want to be able to function but I'm stunted, like an overgrown child.

I'm just hiding, hiding, hiding, never being true to myself, never letting anyone close to me.

I just don't know if it's worth being tied to you anymore.

I realise that's ungrateful or blameful and I don't think you're a bad person.

I just think you're only crime is, you're too forgiving and there are no consequences to their actions.

The posts that keep jumping into my head, is this..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

And this one..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/04/bloglife259-you-killed-my-last-safe.html

That's how far gone I am. It helps to air this out and I just feel like, on some level you know, I may or may not cut you out of my life, for my sanity.

But honestly this whole blog is made up of these types of posts, about bullying and despondency.

And you choose to continually brush it under the carpet.

I just can't cast it aside anymore. I didn't even want to write this post but it was a necessity.

I just feel like I need to say Goodbye and I don't want too.

I'm just defenceless once more and I'm sick of it. The fear of what will they do next???

I am not okay. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth.

I'm slipping, slipping, slipping further away from you. I genuinely did not want to admit any of this out loud but when I wrote this.

It felt like a release, it needed to be aired in some format. I don't feel better for sharing it but I feel more at peace.

It's no longer chipping away in my mind. I needed to clear my head, there's too much stress already.

><><><><><><><><><><><>><><><><

On to today (Tuesday), the JSA appointment wasn't cancelled, so I was advised to attend it and I thought maybe it's a good thing.

My advisor wasn't available but I saw her friend, which is equally sweet but she said, they are out of printing paper, so that was a dead end.

She said the JSA side of things is officially closed, so the migration to Universal Credit is complete.

When I logged into Universal Credit, there was something about Sanctions..

Which I am expecting, fines or worse. I feel so dizzy today, I felt like I was going to fall over, vomit and pass out.

My back is killing me, there is breast pain, nausea, cramps and exhaustion.

But even though I kept faltering, I held on to walls and just perservered.

I went to Ryman's and spent about £6 on 2 extra large brown envelopes and some sellotape to keep it together.

Then before that was the library and thankfully, hardly anyone was there, so the lady in charge had time to help me.

She was really kind and I appreciated that, she did the whole of the 134 double sided printouts and didn't give me a hard time about it.

I was so relieved, I apologised to the woman who came after me, to print 2 pages, ouch.

I left home about 9.35am and now it's 12pm. Anyway, anyone want to guess how much it cost?

I figured maybe £20 or £30....... Not even close.

This cost me just over £48, I also went to the Bank to get out about £50 to pay for everything prior.

Then she kept warning me about the cost and I said it's ok, because I have no choice, it has to be done.

She said, we don't accept cash, just card so that was fine, I put in my details, they were approved and the long wait for the printer begun.

Now I am home and have to wait for the Bank statements to get here this week, then I will seal them up.

I hope 2 envelopes are enough, if not I can get more. I don't know whether I should put Freepost on all of them but I don't want to risk it, incase it bounces back.

I'm on a time limit. Then when everything is here, the last step is to seal them, weigh them at the Post Office, buy the stamps and post them.

£54 so far, maybe just over £6 altogether? Who knows, I just want it done.

I should do my brows again but I can't be bothered. I so want sushi or any takeout but I won't do it.

I should go to the kitchen and make food but the pain is too much currently, I don't want to move.

I'm not really hungry but for energy I should munch and it is lunchtime, plus I've been up for several hours..

Oh and right on queue, my tum starts rumbling. Ugh why won't this stupid period end.

4 fricking weeks long!!! And pmt to boot.

Despite all of this nightmare. At least I didn't have to make dozens of trips this week.

Actually there maybe one more, the Universal Credit one is maybe this week or next, she said soon.

I have no idea though. They didn't explain anything about how to use the website.

I checked the post, but I have a feeling the Postie's gonna knock for the bulk statement delivery.

#BlogLife773 - All that remains.../Designed to fail *foul foul language*

Crikey I had a mini panic, trying to locate where Paypal hid the bulk statement file but it was under Activity report and I just downloaded it.

I attached it to a draft email and then when I go to the library tomorrow to print it, I don't know if I have to decompress it first, hopefully not.

Plus as it's public access, I have to remember to logout of email after I've finished.

I just want it all over and done with, there's only so much worry a person can go through, until they just try to carry on as normal.

Ha I just picked up my phone and was listening to music and Mama called to wish me luck for tomorrow, that was sweet but it's only part one.

I won't have any news about the fine or worse for a while or next week.

The meeting tomorrow is supposed to be an introduction but maybe they will turn around and say, You're rejected, fend for yourself..

Good luck paying your expenses and Welcome to Homelessness......

I can't dwell on it anymore, it affects my sleep. It's just always there in the front and back of my mind, making me nuts.

I'll probably add to this when I get back Friday afternoony, although if it's particularly brutal, I might just curl up on my bed and weep for a lifetime......

I just wanted to be able to take care of myself without relying on anyone.

I don't need the stress, even if I do deserve it.

Well today was a complete more or less bust. I went to the Bank, thinking ok maybe 20 minutes, to print it out, nope.

They order it and it takes 5 working days, how the hell that is going to fit into one envelope, I don't know.

Then I go to the library, only to be told I don't have to queue and then either the computers are broken or they ask for login details.

So back to waiting in line ages, then she sets me up and I go to my email, only to be told, they need to verify, so have emailed Msn, of which thankfully, my phone let me login but it didn't send the verification email.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuckity, fuck, fuck!!!!

Finally got in, was ready to download it, but then it said it's 134 pages! What the fuck???

I can't carry that, let alone print it. I just left and called up and I was hoping, she would say send me the file, but it was Nope, we don't accept that!!

She said, spend a few trips, going back, do it double sided, 67 fucking pages to print still???!!!

What a bitch!!! She could have easily accepted the file, but nope, I have to go through all this shit multiple times.

Fuckkkkkkkk!

All this isn't supposed to cost anything, I'll end up paying for the printouts, the envelopes, stamps, probably sellotape, oyster fare.

All because they want to put me through this headache, when they know all the fucking information anyway.

She's extended the time from from the deadline of the 18th October, to the 1st November.

I'm sore and exhausted. I should go back to the library and start printing but fuck that.

As for the Universal Credit side of things, surprisingly that all went smoothly.

It was just accept the terms and she said she would speak to my other JSA advisor about cancelling Tuesday's appointment.

Then they will email me my next meeting time and that seems done.

Jail seems easier than this. Two last things, during the Universal Credit appointment, she said Oh if at anytime you're not fit to work, just go ahead and see your doctor for a sick note.......

Yea I'll get right on that, they didn't even recognise me as sick, when I was critical!!!

Secondly my back is killing me, I am fantasising about my salmon and avocado sushi, that I'll probably never eat again.

I would love to have ordered that but I have to be sensible. Bills first, food second.

Oh one last thing, which was just weird and almost laughable, was when they assumed I was attending a JSA appointment and I said No, it's a Universal Credit one, the guy whooped and said Yea Good you joined us....

Umm, ok, I'm going to miss my JSA advisor though, she was really sweet, she mostly understood the health side of my complexities.

Anyway I tried my best to get everything done today, notified the relevant parties, attended where I was supposed too.

Now I'm going to just wait and decide what to do next week. The thought of going out multiple times, knowing I have to be on my feet when I get back to cook, is not appealing.

It's almost worth not eating, but no, I'm going to try and see how I cope.

Sigh, I just want some peace, without drama or obligations, can't I be sick in peace and quiet???

Well it's now Monday, I didn't hear back about Tomorrow's cancelled appointment, I called up and was advised to attend it.

I'm kinda glad in a way, I get to speak to her one last time, my old advisor and I don't know whether I should beg for her help with the printing.

I'm trying to be as discreet as possible but that is a lot to ask, I think I'm desperate enough.

67 pages though, that's such an unreasonable favour. If she did it for me, I would get her a gift to say Thank you, maybe lunch or something.

They are probably not allowed to receive kickbacks but this isn't a bribe, this is gratitude.

I need help, I admit it, this one time, I can't manage it alone, I strive to struggle and rely on myself completely but to hell with it, if she says No, there will not be any hard feelings.

I will just do it in sections at the library and then the post office and try to fit it all in, before the freaking end of the month deadline.

Wouldn't it be nice to get it all printed at once and not have multiple draining trips?

Then I'm still waiting for the Bank statements to arrive and that's a whole load, they have to be sorted into piles of envelopes, then weighed and sent off also.

So much to do and I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it but I guess lil by lil I will complete it.

Doesn't mean I won't grumble constantly though. Hmm ok, that's my battleplan.

This just feels never-ending. 

#BlogLife772 - Free food

I was thinking about how convenient it was to get home exhausted and sore and then order some food, so that I didn't have to be on my feet or straining my body further but that's all done now.

Then I realised I actually have one last Just Eat stampcard that I haven't used yet.

It's basically a cashback system for ordering from a restaurant regularly.

I'm just not sure if it will cover delivery but that's an option if I fancy pasta or a pizza or even a sandwich tomorrow, one final treat.

The other more relevant purchases, are my earbuds, I use those to help with the de-stressing and PTSD.

I don't think I could live without those. The priorities are paying the rent and bills each month, I will just see if I can do that first.

I do have an overdraft that was just reduced as I hadn't touched it. The thought of using it and getting into more debt is just depressing.

Snacks seem like an overpriced indulgence too, they will have to go.

I did have another brainwave, a tool I used to help stretch the pennies further.

I could always go back to comping, you're not guaranteed to win anything but I was pretty fortunate with that, so that's an option.

I'm not frivolous really, I'm pretty good with money. If in the past I did spend more than I should, at least I knew I could afford it.

I don't have any credit cards, only the debit card, so I only spend what I can and pay it fully outright.

Having said that though, Mama did remind me, if I did have to make a big purchase to replace something..

She said Paypal offers you a choice to pay in installments and for a while, it's interest free and I had forgotten about that.

I'm just trying to think about the worst case scenarios so that I can prepare and know what to do, instead of being overwhelmed by the upcoming debt.

#BlogLife771 - Letters of doom and gloom

Song of the day - Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOXaPE6gklI

I love this depressing song from Rocky, I don't know which part but as I was playing random music it came on and trapped is how I feel.

I've just paid my last official rent payment and I don't know what will happen from now on.

I feel like I had to stop living in the clouds and psyche myself up to go out, take out the rubbish and scarily look at the post and there it was, well 2 official looking letters.

Scary brown envelope and one white one. My stomach's churning, thinking about all the evidence I'm about to hand over to them, to seal my fate.

On Friday, either before my appointment or after, I will head to the bank and hopefully it will be straightforward to obtain the printed statements.

I finally just bit the bullet and loaded up Paypal and was having trouble customising the date range.

But then under download it mentioned a specific area, where you could add in the date range and particulars you wanted to create an activity report, I think it was called.

I did that and they said, they would email me when it's ready, I only recognised pdf so I chose that format and I'm hoping, it will be ready before Friday.

I know I should have done it sooner but I was freaking out too much, to be frank and I couldn't even login to Paypal or my Bank.

Actually I was going to wait until I was on the phone to Mama, to open the letters but I thought just in case there were Paypal instructions, I had better open them.

It's not as bad as hoped actually. It's the letter to say the Housing Benefit is officially stopping, as I'm "supposedly" moving on to Universal Credit.

There is an option to login to check how my claim is doing. I can't face that yet.

I know I'm a big chicken but one step at a time.

The way she kept harping on about following the instructions to a tee, I thought there was a ton of things to do but it's just mentioned, that I have to include the statements in the prepaid envelope and that is it.

I mean that is still a big deal and my brain does keep spiralling, thinking what if the debt is so high I can't even breathe?

In one way I feel strangely calm that I have at least managed to do half of what is required.

The Paypal thing was unnerving me, I wasn't sure how complicated that would be, how do you print out pages, when you have to keep scrolling down?

I also hope the Library is still open, still has computers and printers and will let me use it.

I'm not a member and I know there's a small printout fee, for each paper, maybe 5p or 9p, that was years ago, it is probably more like 40p each now.

I guess I just will open up my email, and print the attachment. I don't think I need to download it first right?

It's been a long while since I printed something. Oh wow, Go Paypal, I just checked my email and it's ready to download.

That is sorted at least. Oh I have to copy down that login and the email one, I don't know them by heart.

Alright all done, I snapped a pic of them, as I don't want to write them down actually.

I do feel a bit better now. I guess it's the thought of the unknown that was panicking me.

Now I'm just co-operating and waiting to see what happens next...

Oh and last night, T, checked up on me. I don't know if he was just bored but he asked me how I was doing.

And I just felt weepy really, so I just said Scared and then he pressed and asked for details.

As I pretty much thought he would, except what could I say?

I'm notoriously private. I'm having financial issues? Nope, I never discuss money.

I'm having legal issues? Nope, too personal. I kept it vague and said It doesn't matter.

Then he said Do you want hugs? And I thought, what I want is to be comforted, to hear, it's going to be ok.

I don't want any flirtiness, not while I'm vulnerable like this.

So again, I just laid my feelings bare and said What I want is to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Pretty pathetic.

And he said the right thing, which was That is allowed.

My last reply was Not for me. I put up a tough front and I do, around others.

It's only when I'm alone, do I crumble and let it all out. I berate myself for being weak,

Especially around other people because of the many judgements and exploitations.

He didn't reply further and I was getting sleepy so that is that. Oh I guess there is one last thing.

I kinda figured out, what is next on the latest Christmas story, I wasn't sure where to go but then I figured it out, so I have updated it, but that one is still in drafts.

Hopefully if I get the chance to conclude it, it will be unveiled in December.

It needs a lot of work. It will probably end up being another mixed emotions story.

#BlogLife770 - Exit randoms

Sorry about my lack of post yesterday, I had a strong feeling that by the time Monday came around I would be all talked out.

And I was. I got up late, I have been managing to sleep but the troubles and stress are constantly present.

As is Friday's appointment and the letter tasks. I kinda want to run away from it all or find a peaceful memory and time in my life where it wasn't chaotic..

But I know I have to find the courage to face it and appear strong.

I don't want to worry everyone checking up on me. It's my mess and I will attempt to clean it up.

I want to write something happy but then maybe a tearjerker is more fitting.

I'm not sure what will put me in the right mood to create some or finish off some fiction.

It's 11.39pm at night, I'm not sleepy tired but my brain and body are probably done for the day.

Although it seems like my mind is open to talking once more.

I had my phone off for most of the day. I just wasn't up to communicating.

I haven't been on chat either. Tomorrow I have to check the post.

I really don't think our Posties do daily deliveries anymore.

How different my life would be if I was normal, grew up without fear and illnesses.

What if I went on regular dates and had positive experience?

What if I was married and found a hubby that didn't hurt me, that was awestruck by me?

Would he encourage me to write or say it was a waste of time?

I don't have this bugging feeling I'm missing out because I think would be constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think for the most part, I still just want to be left alone.

But sometimes I wonder, what it's like to be respected?

What it's like for someone to have your back and think of you as their other half and family.

Must be nice huh? I realise that it still wouldn't be idyllic. There would be issues too.

Would he like my crazy uneven thinning short hair with specks of grey?

Would he truly understand my need for space? My phone off, cuddled under the blankie or duvet, not wanting to open up or be touched?

Content to leave me be and not play hero and fix me.

But instead to let me work it out alone and satisfied in the world of silence and gaming?

Not all the time, sometimes I would readily share but other instances, I would be unreachable. 

Would he be patient? Or would he bribe me with smiles and food and compliments?

Or would he just sit next me, put his arm around and let me sob, for however long it took to release it??

Hmm I guess I will never know..

Back to reality, I thought my blankie was broken but thankfully, the cord was just loose.

Another item, I can't afford to replace now, that was a huge tool in my pain management fixes.

It's weird MC popped out of nowhere and texted and he's the last random to part company with.

I haven't blocked him or T, as they haven't done anything wrong but I just feel it's time to break away from people.

I don't want to ignore them and then have this big confrontation, I can't deal with that.

I don't know if I'll get back in contact with either of them. I just told MC, that I'm not good and that's why I'm cutting ties and thanked him for his humour.

I've known him the longest, off and on, for maybe a year or more?

I don't recall and he replied with Good luck and I hated that, because it's so applicable to my situation.

None of these randoms are that bothered about me leaving them, which is fine.

Even though I'm not, I do feel alone and scared.

My Oneplus Nord CE2 Lite, just had a software update, not to android 15, just a regular one.

It didn't take long at all.

For anyone playing Unsolved Enigmatis, there's a huge bug in the game, which I'm sure they have fixed by now.

I am never doing any updates, as to get extra hints or energy, you have to watch an advert, but it doesn't load, so you get it for free.

If you want to hoard up on the energy and hints, every few hours, just request more by clicking on the plus + sign and then you'll have extra, that's what I'll do from now on.

It's one long game, that I think was split up into 3 sections and when you download it, all the parts are there.

But weirdly enough, it started me backwards, so I did the final chapter first, strange.

The only negative is the lil games and hidden objects part, as I have bad eyes, they don't explain it well and it's very hard to see clearly.

Plus half the time, you don't know what you're doing and what you need items for, so you have to load up the Walkthroughs, to get ideas.

It is nice to have a completely free extensive point and click game though, with the option of hints and energy that don't require real cash.

Props to them for that.