#BlogLife262 - Limbo land

I am stressed and waiting for these feelings to pass by me but as yet they persist, maybe partially because although on one hand, they've been acknowledged, however they also been fobbed off at the same time.

It's just hard enough to say it out loud. "You hurt me." But when someone doesn't take full responsibility for it and just says well la di da, we all have stuff to deal with.

It's a slap in the face and when they justify it by saying you're not laughing it off, the way it was intended, it's like my concerns don't register and I'm sick of that.

I won't tolerate that but now I have a choice to make, do I want to keep being around this person knowing that they keep acting in the same way, that they can't help themselves or do I throw him away and cut him off completely?

I don't want to explain it further so I'm still keeping my distance but there is a friend that I do private message and that's still fun. I just hope she hasn't been sharing what I have divulged to her in secret..

I am also waiting to hear back on another matter and the process was already complicated. It's been 10 days, crikey I didn't even realise that nearly 2 weeks have passed and no update.

I have to be patient I guess but the weekend is here and no blogging for 2 days is (no offence) kinda a relief. I get to have a break and let my body/mind veg out and take time off.

I am going to munch on cereal bars, plus some almond slices and carry on binging The Closer and Scandal.

I'm going to see if I can wrap up Chapter 17 of Lethal Curves Ahead. It's basically written but it needs something else and I have no idea what 18 is going to be about.

I have an idea about the longer storylines but the current phase, it's tricky. I still have to shape these characters and make them believable and the type you root for and have preferences about.

Wish me luck?

#BlogLife261 - Pardon?

How many of you have people in your lives that really listen and pay attention to how you feel? That ask the question and hear you when you answer them?

How are you?

That don't just say uh huh.....Hmmm.....Yea yea. Huh? Pardon? I didn't quite catch that?!

Sometimes it can even feel like there is nothing to talk about. You've been dismissed so much that the words falter, they just fade away.

I felt like that for a long time, keeping thoughts and people at bay and even though I have this blog, I still do it.

I could easily flip to being a member instead of a pseudo counsellor but my standards are too high. It's too important that I don't get an imposter.

I don't want someone going through the motions, saying MmmHmm....... I want someone that sees that I'm hurting and takes the time to be there for me.

I started expressing myself in my cute lil pocket diaries but even then I came to realise I had not even scratched the surface of my stuff that I had cremated inside of me.

It was only through fiction and blogging that a lot of realisations came up. I couldn't even grasp how badly I felt and the real reasons behind it.

The sad thing is I kept ignoring it because I didn't feel worthy of even claiming these heartaches. I didn't see myself as important.

I had to do a lot of maturing and when I left home, so many things changed and even then there was a mental block.

I had the tools but it was still as though the door was locked, preventing me from exploring it.

I urge you to practice some medium of expression from now because it will take time to open up.

Whether you begin in an online/offline diary, blog, vlog, social media or through people.

Being exposed like that is petrifying. If it's with people, you have to build up trust and if it is by the other standards you need to overcome that lack of confidence you feel.

I still wasn't sure of what reaction I would receive when I started but I braced myself for negativity, that to me helped.

I know it sounds strange but to me, I was trying to prepare myself just in case there were trolls or mean people replying back to me.

It's better than assuming you'll never get a hateful comment and then being blind-sighted when someone calls you out, right or wrong without consideration.

Have your safety measures in place. I'm just sharing what worked for me.

It might not seem like it straight away but it really helps. You'll hopefully deduce things, you never could before and everything will stop being so overwhelming.

Good luck :)

#BlogLife260 - Eye on the prize

No matter how careful I am contact lenses always slip through my fingers. I had a dreadful morning when one just disappeared while I was trying to insert it in my eye.

At first I thought it was inside but in the wrong place. The thing about losing them means you need both frigging eyes to find them again.

My technique is I find as much as light as I can, try not to move and feel and shine it in the immediate areas. If that doesn't work I expand slowly and try not to step on it, in case it is laying on the floor.

There are times when it's on the clothes I am wearing so I stand carefully try to feel for it and if unsuccessful, I shake and see if it comes loose in a targeted area.

That is what happened today, as soon as I shook, I saw a glint of colour and noticed it, thankfully. I really didn't feel like making an appointment to replace it.

Iceland has run out of Always maxi pads and those are really the only brand I prefer to use. The rest are too thin and not absorbent enough.

I forgot to purchase some in the market and don't really want to walk that 20 minute painful distance to get them but I fear I may have too.

I have some at home, a few packets but I always fret that I will run out. I hope they return and that the anti bacterial hand sanitizers come back too.

I am down to my last one and don't wish to pay £3 for a bottle. The gel version is cheaper but lingers on the hand, the spray immediately disappears without a trace, which is why I love it.

I guess I can check on Ebay or Amazon. Hmm Ebay is overpriced and Amazon seems to be more reasonable to get a multi pack and save money with postage costs.

I still feel a lil unsettled truthfully. Being told what to do is akin to being bullied, especially when there isn't a choice.

I can stand my ground and disagree but memories flood into my mind of when I didn't have a say at all and just shrank away.

I felt powerless and scared. This is not the same situation but I still feel unnerved. As though somebody is going to come along and take my voice away again and I can't cope with that.

It's a process and I'll just have to ride it out. I made my objections clear and they were mostly respected but I think it boils down to a white lie.

"I was just joking."

Which I don't feel is the case in some elements because this person has tried to force my hand, many times and I have refused and they persist and it's not respecting my boundaries.

Then suddenly they back off but always with a parting shot. As though that justifies it and it doesn't.

Give your opinion and say, well what I like, what is best for me is.... This path right here.

I don't know if it is the same for you but I hope it is. My wish is that it benefits you and so I recommend it but only if that is the right thing for you to do.

I've said my opinion and I'll back off now, what you choose to do next is completely up to you and I will accept your decision, without prejudice, thanks for hearing me out!!

See that above, is what I need to hear, not that judgemental bs.

My opinion is law and you will abide by it!

Go screw yourself!!!

#BlogLife259 - You killed my last safe space (fiction)

 "I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just feel upset and angry and you wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain. I don't even know how to find the words anymore."

"Please try, for my sake. I didn't mean it.. I lost my temper. I thought I knew best, why wouldn't you fall in line? I know what the right course of action is for you, bend, relent, fall in line.."

"DO WHAT I TELL YOU!"

I step back and begin to shiver. It's getting harder to breathe. The air is being sucked out of the room. I hear you shouting but it's distorted.

I clutch my stomach and want to leave. I feel sick inside. Where has my freewill gone? My freedom to express myself?

I'm trying to escape but I can't move. I feel each muscle in my body tense as you grab me squeezing tightly, viciously shaking out answers that you must hear.

I am gasping for oxygen. My head is spinning, the room is swaying and everything is started to fade away.

I blink rapidly I can't stop. My breathing is slow and laboured. You release your grip and I look up and your eyes are red with rage.

I am afraid of what will happen next. I fall to the ground and hit my head. I have lost my peace, my happiness and my voice.

I thought you had left but I hear footsteps creep closer and you kneel and hate filled words pour out like targeted hits.

I curl up into a tight ball, bringing my knees up and your voice gets louder and even more cruel.

I can't move. I can't make it stop and I can't protect myself. I am stuck.

I need to find a way to get back on my feet again but I can't right now. I'm too visible, too raw, too fractured.

Once I rebuild the walls, then I'll fight you!

#BlogLife258 - Don't be a dick and dictate!!

Oops I slept through my 2 alarms. I normally awaken hours before but I slept at 2amish and woke up at 7ish not too surprising that I didn't get up.

At least I managed to freshen up before Iceland arrived. No time to properly dress or put my lenses on but it could have been worse.

I could have missed both deliveries entirely. The Amazon one isn't out for delivery but was despatched yesterday. 

A trifle worrying as Rush shipping wasn't available and it's somehow coming by Logistics instead of speedy Prime.

Ooh I'm somewhat calmer, at 10.47 it stated it was out for delivery and arriving roughly between 2pmish to 6pmish.

Woo about 4.20pmish the courier knocked and ran ha but it's delivered and I'm too tired to unpack it and sort it out, tomorrow I can figure what goes where..

To be honest, I still haven't opened the parcel. I was and still am feeling a bit rough. It must be PMT. The cramps and nausea are making my stomach flip flop.

I have discovered some shows that I could easily get into, one is Scandal, it's a tiny bit like leverage, a bit blackmaily but more political and lawyery lol.

The other one is The Closer, this sugar obsessed boss taking over and stepping into a man's world who isn't appreciated but she's a brilliant investigator.

Kinda reminds me of Bones, but less forensics and more interviews and inner conflicts.

A really dumb thing happened over the weekend. I had a falling out with one of the other gamers of Looney Tunes because I wouldn't fall at my knees, bow and follow his strategy.

He got really angry with me and said he would no longer talk to me over it, which in turn made me just scoff, laugh and think screw you then!

I wished him well and then rolled my eyes and the next day he tags me like nothing happened. I don't like any drama, even the petty kind so I am laying low from discord for a bit.

Oh and I had a pleasant surprise and got my olive fix after all, in the form of these olive crackers from Italy.

I swear every time I enter that international store, I discover a new treat. I really didn't expect them to have such a strong delicious taste but they are well seasoned.

Some I had on their own and the others I dipped into the hummus. I would definitely recommend it and I meant to copy down the name and forgot.

The other one was far too salty and it was okay but not as yummy.

#BlogLife257 - Will I be a cleaning machine?

I wasn't even sure what I was looking for in a new cleaning tool but I found something yesterday and it was a fraction of the price I was willing to pay.

I thought about a basic mop and bucket but I'm trying to limit what I have to carry in my hands and make it as easy as I can because it's really going to be spot cleaning here and there.

I just need to maintain an already clean surface. I figured a mix of a scrub and mop would be my best bet, different head attachments would serve me best.

I saw this cordless spinning brush with multiple attachments. Most are varying degrees of sizes and one hopefully is some sort of sponge which would be ideal for mopping.

The brushes I would use for stubborn stains and the spongey thing would be to polish the floors. I figured that would cover everything.

It's aimed at people who struggle to use their hands from chronic pain and is supposedly lightweight and easy to assemble and take apart, we'll see...

I hope I can shorten the handle because that worries me. I find that one of the most painful parts of cleaning, gripping objects tightly is really overbearing for me.

I could have had it today but I wanted to sleep late so have picked tomorrow and it will come side by side with the groceries.

I really hope this makes cleaning easy and maybe even fun. I need something that does the work for me. I don't and can't be on my knees scrubbing away.

Apparently the customer service is good and the battery is supposed to last for 2 hours, and charge in an hour which seems a lot longer than I've ever heard about.

It will probably last an hour which should be more than adequate for all the rooms. I watched a video where a woman put a shower cap over her slippers and I thought that was clever.

I will still have the issue of treading over the wet floor but I'll either try to avoid it or maybe I'll wear socks or maybe I'll get some shower caps. I haven't decided yet.

I'm always nervous that I've bought the wrong thing and it will be ineffective but I'm trying to stay positive. I'll let you know, how it turns out.

#BlogLife256 - Maybe if I had grown up differently..

 It's like I'm just realising now how much I wanted to be considered as a regular girl in everybody's eyes.

I was still young and trying to forge some paths ahead but no matter where I turned I didn't fit in.

I no longer care and am proud of that fact but before I wanted to build an identity because I didn't have one and it seemed like everytime I tried to carve something, it was verbally harangued out of me.

I thought if anyone would see me in a new light it would be a future boyfriend. I wasn't keen on the notion of soul mates.

People wander in and out of each others lives so frequently, why not have a few people that are truly suited out of everybody?

Some guys I met while I was out, some online and some just seemed to appear but it turned into which hell is better?

Being with them, the mis-truths and unfaithfulness or being at home and unable to find peace.

Dating should have been exciting and full of butterflies but it was some sort of survival.

I figured eventually one of them would turn from a frog to a gentleman....

There were walks, movies, dinners, dances. Aspects of it were tolerable but there wasn't a safe space to let someone in.

My heart got locked somewhere and my mind became suspicious of kind acts.

I did want to share but these dates, these men didn't get me. The girl who battled to be seen.

Who was fiercely fighting to not hate herself, each day. The only thing I gave them, 5 of them to be precise, was my body.

My hormones were raging and I thought it wouldn't be so bad to indulge in something with no heart or feelings involved.

I wanted them to care but they didn't and I actually didn't either. It was still a way to escape being at home.

I figured in this instance I'll be fulfilling a different stage in my life, as most did.

Something to tick off a checklist as crazy as that sounds. I should have waited but then noone special did come around anyway.

I would have been a very ancient virgin. No thanks. It wasn't good or satisfying but it settled a part of my essence that deep down considered myself unwanted.

Dating and sex became screwed up literally, instead of being like the love songs written about it.

I'm not sure how to have an open heart anymore, it's too broken. I'm just better suited alone, where the safe space is all around me and I'm free to divulge as lil or as much as I choose.

#BlogLife255 - The girl trapped inside herself

I wasn't sure if I would publish something today. I wanted too but my thoughts wouldn't form anything on a particular subject. I've just been thinking about when I first moved, well kicked out was the accurate term.

Home was some sort of captivity but it was the only place that I knew. I went for daytime and evening walks just to escape the threats that lived and breathed in the air.

When I was younger dating seemed normal and elusive at the same time. Nobody objected to it but I was secretive all the same.

I started dating to feel like everyone else. I still didn't know myself that well but I figured in the right company, it would start to unfold of it's own accord..

I don't think it did though. I recall phone conversations being far deeper than any date I encountered. I don't recall telling anyone about the junkies at home or the constant verbal abuse.

I may have mentioned that I was unhappy at home and that I would rather be outdoors than at home with them. I guess in the beginning I was waiting to be loved and cherished, to be missed.

When that didn't happen and I was groped or shamed or mocked.. I somewhat settled for that. It didn't hurt as much as it was coming from strangers that I had no feelings for.

When my friends and family readily did it, that was different, it was personal then and I felt the jagged barbs.

I don't know if potential suitors picked up on my sensitivities or they didn't care enough to disguise their insults but I dated the same sorts of personalities continuously.

Liars, cheaters, verbal abusers, man-handlers. I soon gave up on the idea of love and finding someone that would genuinely want to look out for me.

Dating instead became like oxygen. A nice reprieve wherever I could get it. Home was suffocating but I couldn't seem to leave it.

I did want to feel emotionally tied but there just wasn't any feelings. It was just some sort of emotional life-line.

I compare myself to others and feel like I am over-reacting but like PTSD it builds over time.

When I did hole up in a hotel for a few months while my place was getting prepared. It was a strange time. I was still recovering.

The pain was still fresh, walking was challenging and the panic attacks were more gripping. 

I felt this distance and freedom all at once, part of me wanted to party and the other side was terrified still.

I set aside dating because I didn't need to do it anymore. It was an exhausting horror show.

Would he show up?

Would I like him?

Would he like me?

Would he assault me?

I decided I would rather date myself instead. There was someone that seemed to track my number down, no matter how many times I changed it.

He was good and evil wrapped in a prickly bow. Nice when I wasn't challenging him and his obvious fabrications but when I tired of the charade, then he turned psychotic.

Out came the threats and I had my numbers changed the following day. I don't know if he attempted to contact me again. 

I blocked all unknown numbers and decided he had served his purpose.

For all the friends that I had that knew this depressing mood festered inside of me, none of them really understood me and took the time too but he did.

Although he didn't see all of me. I did let him in a bit. I do know that blogging helped me get in tough with what was happening inside my mind and heart.

I was very jaded and began to resent being there for people, when the same sentiment wasn't returned.

It wasn't okay and I severed ties, one by one. I should have doubts but I felt weightless. Not dragged down by their burdens and having to give advice.

I fully admit meeting someone still fills me with dread. Whether it's emotional or physical violence... I just feel too tired to hold this guard up and shield myself.

Who will love the unlovable?

I will, for I do love myself now. I understand myself more and the pain and tears that bubble to the surface mingling as one.

I took this time for me, part of it was self healing and the other bit was curiosity.

Thus Raving Insomniac, Firecracker, Curvyst and many others were born and thrived 

:)

#BlogLife254 - Outlandish behaviour

I've just gotten into a new show, Outlander, which is fairly old actually. It's not for the faint hearted, a lot of scenes I have to mute and skip through because certain things just turn my stomach.

For examples because it's oldy-worldy time travel, there are scenes of whipping, assault, torture and mutilation. Oof the dialogue at times is just too graphic but aside from that, it also has 2 parallel love stories that are quite endearing and funny.

It's a running joke that everytime he leaves her alone, she wanders off and gets into mischief. There's a spanking scene which I don't know, should be disturbing but I was howling with laughter.

It's barbaric as are the general punishments for theft and alsorts but her reactions are priceless. Good for them having a huge age difference.

He looks 10 years younger at least than her. There is a lot of excessive nudity, where there doesn't need to be any.

The first season has been the most captivating, season 2 and 3 seem a lil dull in comparison, it's still watchable but I skip some bits of it.

It's been an exhausting day, I got home late, hence the tardy upload. I bought some chicken alfredo and so glad my tum has now stopped heaving.

Ugh it's a good job I topped up my oyster card there was 15p left lol. I was gonna get some fresh olives but the price was £7.50 for I don't know how much, so I left it.

I was in no mood to carry a jar. I also picked up some nuts and seeds to graze on and to go with my hummus, I saw these dried crackers from italy.

One is pesto basil and the other is olives, which should be tasty if they aren't too salty. I think it was 80p each, I'm not sure.

I am so stuffed so the sampling will have to wait until tomorrow or later.

#BlogLife253 - I feel like sleeping cutie (beauty is over the top)

For the first time in ages, I had a decent nights sleep. Granted I woke up at 4am but went back to bed at 5.30am until almost 10am, that is record for me of late.

I have felt really groggy and miserable due to all this Amazon nonsense. I ordered a grocery shop from Iceland and decided to do it a lil later to give me more sleep.

Breakfast or lunch I should say is cooking. I am addicted to those salmon puffs. It's just puff pastry with salmon and herbs on top and it's a welcome change from meat.

I'm also enjoying getting the Looney update that rolled out yesterday after ages. The showbiz rewards are handy and will help me to complete more of the ptls.

I've realised hackers must be installing software to auto open their crates when they are attacked, would explain why they are successfully stolen, yet opened when that is not permitted.

I still haven't decided on a suitable mop, it has to be lightweight and efficient, plus reasonably priced. I don't want to carry a bucket around or buy another disastrous steam mop.

My floors are already in need of a mild wipe so I'll have to decide on something soon. I just have no clue at the moment.

I've had lots of fun testing out the 2 new earbuds and because it's been 6 years since the last time I got them free and reduced from Vipon, there has been a massive upgrade in performance and technology.

Imagine going from bluetooth 4.1 to 5.1/2. It is hugely different, which is a relief and surprisingly comfy. I do love writing the reviews and I would be in heaven if I ever got selected for Amazon's Vine program to test their products for free.

I hope you have a delightful Easter break. I haven't bought any eggs, I find them too strong for my tastebuds, just some cereal bars.

#BlogLife252 - Sprinkled truths

Now I feel like the shopping saga is finally concluded. I eventually narrowed it down to 2 earphones. The U2 and the Q33 Voesud. 

I wanted a good all night battery life but that was not realistic for my budget.

I wanted it to be comfortable, the ear hook that sits behind my ear was mandatory, otherwise it doesn't stay inside.

After all the reviews I've read and watched on Youtube, auto connect seemed to be important, so I looked for that too.

Price was obviously a factor, around the £20 mark. It was actually £20.69. Cute and something I didn't really think about was a fast charge.

The USB C was probably the deciding vote. I don't know if the Q33 has it but it wasn't advertised as such.

I guess the bluetooth version sparked my interest. I wanted 5.1 at least as devices do have an annoying habit of disconnecting.

The U2 has conflicting advertising. On one hand the title says 5.2 and in the description it states 5.1. I'll be curious to see what it ends up being...

Also the battery on the U2 says it is 500 mah but 7 hours playtime. The Q33 states it is 2600mah and also 7 hours, how is that possible??

I guess I'm worried it won't last all night but at least with the U2 I can stick it in the case for a quick boost and within 1.5 hours it's all completely boosted 100%.

The reviews were mainly positive about the battery life and comfortability. The quality and sound were also praised.

It's funny that all the earhook products are designed for sportswear but I'll be using it mainly for sleep and possibly calls and videos, when the Beats are battery depleted.

It was difficult to make a decision as in my criteria one thing was constantly a let down, either call quality, battery life or durability.

I'm going to have to time how long the battery lasts. I'm not sure I would wear them outdoors because of the possible rain, they might fall off and the pulling them out to talk and hear people, will be tedious.

Where did I make my purchase?? 

Ha, Amazon. I took out a free prime trial and was hoping for same day delivery but I took so long deciding that Super Fast, Guaranteed by 1pm the next day was left.

I priced lots of earbuds around and anywhere else would be £10 more and although at this moment. I can't stand Amazon, I need something asap and I'm very frugal!!

I have a feeling that the first time I purchased earbuds they weren't impressive and had a big lag in replay.

The battery life was awful, a few hours if I was lucky and they did not work well together for some reason.

I think that is what put me off, even though the overhead headsets keep breaking, at least I knew for the most part they worked properly.

That was 6 years ago and it was bluetooth 4.1 I'm hoping technology has way advanced by now.

Oh I also wanted the feature to connect to multiple devices at once but to be honest I have that and it doesn't even work that well so it wasn't a dealbreaker issue.

I will investigate when it arrives today. I don't recall ever seen Rush delivery before. Same day delivery occurs when you order in the mornings before 12pm if available.

I am used to selecting Next Day Delivery but when I picked Rush it said Guaranteed by 1pm Tomorrow.

I ordered it at 4.40pm. At 4am it was despatched and at 8am it was Out For Delivery. Then at 9am the map appeared and said 8 stops ahead.

Unfortunately my eyes woke me up at 6am and I was more or less awake from there. I tried drifting back to sleep but then I started feeling nauseated.

I don't know if it's the stress or hormones but maybe when I eat and drink later, it will settle down hopefully.

Wow at 9.24am it's 4 stops away, it's going really quickly. Amazon really does prioritise it's Prime members with efficiency.

For free postage, it's completely haywire. I'm now wondering if the headphones I ordered before that never arrived were actually out of stock and nobody wanted to admit that??

It would explain, why it was never redelivered and why the seller didn't send the free replacement? I'm just speculating here and trying to make sense of it all.

I may do a mini review here and then close this subject for good. Ooh at 9.47am she buzzed and handed me the parcel.

Wow so glad I didn't sleep in. To be honest I didn't expect it until after 11am.

Unbelievable at 12.40pm I got another tap on the door. I thought it was the meter reader as they said they were due soon.

Guess who it was? 

A courier just handed me a parcel from Amazon. The box is scuffed and it has a Quality Control Pass sticker on it so my guess is, it's refurbished, used and returned or opened and returned without using.

I'm a cynical person, that's just me. I am happy though. I have 2 earbuds for the price of one and even though the seller didn't update me on it's arrival, it was a pleasant occurrence. 

#BlogLife251 - Blind optimist or realist?

Sadly i've been chewing my friends ear off. Acquaintance is more appropriate of a word but he's pretty cool and not invasive at all.

He's quite the polar opposite, upbeat and optimistic in his outlook, where I tend to be more pessimistic and a realist.

I just find it healthier to be pleasantly surprised and rewarded, rather than being naive and assuming it will all work out and then being devastated when it falls apart.

Healthy scepticism works for me and I feel better prepared. I don't know how you see things but it's whatever feels best for you that will help in the long run.

You don't have to be this or that, maybe you are 50/50? Anyway regarding the Amazon debacle in particular my gut has just been bothering me.

As though I've been blacklisted which is weird as I am a regular shopper on there.

However my friend kept saying think more positively and it's going to resolve itself quicker.

I admit there was a tiny bit of smug satisfaction when I told him, Ummmm it's all gone downhill and I had a feeling it would and he shrugged and agreed.

Well the update is, I wasn't expecting anything at this point but I reached out to the seller and told him what was going on and how unhappy I was, just to vent some more.

He/She said they would complain to the Logistics carrier and send me a complimentary replacement......

I have had so many promises of late. I will take everything with a pinch of salt.

I do know that sellers value good feedback to keep them thriving and if you're thinking, I'll end up with 2 headsets? I doubt it.

I'm still not convinced I'll receive any, until it happens and I am hugging them in my hands.

I still may purchase one from Ebay or somewhere else but I really want something with about 10 hours playtime on a single charge...

I was looking at the Mpow Flame, apparently not good with call clarity and has oversold the battery life.

The T17 Occium was the runner up, the reviews looked good, playtime was 8 hours, it had the ear hook and was priced at £23 or there abouts.

It had stereo and noise reduction included but instead I ordered the Q33 with a HD mike, auto pairing, 8 hours of battery life and was more reasonable at £19.50.

Hmm forgot to mention apparently now I have £10 in goodwill credit for the appalling service I received at Amazon.

I find they don't tend to remember to add those on to my account though. Well, well, well.

I was right, never doubt me. The goodwill credit, turned out to be...... £2.50. They couldn't even do half of what they promised.

2x£5. Totally useless. If I get the T17 it will be £22. I just heard back from Amazon yesterday some gibberish about them not being able to offer a replacement.

I took the refund option that was left and that will probably added soon. Oh it's already there.

I'm still browsing for earbuds but every time I think I've found a decent one, the reviews say different.

Now that I've gotten the refund officially, there's no incentive for the seller to send me a new one so I'll just see who offers the best deal Ebay, Amazon or somewhere else....

As I just have this feeling they were waiting to see if I claimed a refund or not. I feel like they would have already sent it, if they were legitimate.

If I was running a business and had a dissatisfied customer, I would be more transparent. First I would apologise profusely and then ask how I could rectify and then I would just get on and do it.

(Please don't let it be Amazon, that has the lowest costs I'll definitely be taking up the Prime trial offer, if it is).

Mama said she's having issues with severe delays too on the non Prime scale. Grr.

Maybe when I get new earbuds I'll finally get more than a few hours sleep.

#BlogLife250 - Buzz off!

I'm very tired today, stress manifests itself in me by exacerbating my insomnia. I keep waking up and having difficulty going back to sleep.

It's been 6am/7am wake ups and maybe actually falling asleep about 1am. It's not enough rest for my weary bones that are on constant strain.

Amazon gave me insult to injury this morning as I got an email stating Now you've received your order, how was it?? I know it's automated but the wound is still fresh.

Customer service keeps telling me they will sort it out and nothing has been resolved. I took to Twitter for a feelgood rant and yet again they reached out and will "investigate." 

Pffft yes, you've been saying the same arbitrary thing all weekend. Do it already and stop talking nonsense, with your fake sympathy and false concern.

At this point I want to use another retailer but it seems like a waste of money. I have credit in Amazon which needs to be used up.

Ebay is tempting but no warranty with them, I don't think. I don't usually have any issues with Amazon or their customer service but I guess it takes one bad experience to tarnish the good.

I can't help but think if I was a Prime member I would have been treated a lot differently. Paid memberships seem to signify quality service.

Evidently the regular type does not. Wait, wait and keep holding on, while we may or may not get back to you.

No I'm sick of waiting. I ordered the earbuds since Wednesday and I know it doesn't seem like much time has passed but when you've constantly been told it will arrive in due course..

First Saturday, (damaged on it's way to me) and nobody thought to inform me or send a damn replacement.

Then Sunday, I'll personally make sure it is sent and follow up on the case. Rest assured. *Rolls eyes* Nothing was said to me at all, until I chased it up myself.

Then Monday (yesterday), Oh so sorry Madam, just be patient, even though it doesn't say Out for Delivery, it'll probably be with you shortly, uh huh, fret not!

Then when I called back in the evening, oh we didn't send it out, so sorry! No mention of the refund or free replacement costs but oh just wait some more.

Another 24hrs needed to pause for us fuckwits at Amazon! I'm sorry but the ranting will continue until it gets resolved. I have to vent otherwise I'll go crazier.

I don't know if the main fault lies between the seller or Amazon but it's been handled atrociously either way.

They are expecting me to sit quietly and not bother them until they deign to get in touch. Pfft, yea right.

As soon as my working headphones are charged, I'll be calling them up to see what is happening.

I'm trying to avoid stress in my life as it is physically and emotionally draining.

I really don't see what the hold up has been for all this time? Why isn't there any initiative??

Is it solely because Amazon doesn't want to take responsibility and admit blame?

Part of me wants to wash my hands of it all, given that there hasn't been a single satisfactory ending.

The other part is too pissed. I don't want a refund, I want a replacement, although one representative claimed I could have both.

Hah. I don't think that is likely. There is one last recourse, reaching out to the seller directly, maybe that will light a fire under somebody's ass?

Either way I just want some working headphones, earbuds, whatever asap!!

The title mainly referred to the fly that despite openings all around, won't leave. Between that and Amazon, I'm slowly losing my mind!

#BlogLife249 - I have my eye on you

Morning all. How was your weekend? Mine was up and down on the one hand I was excited about my earbuds arriving and the downside was lack of proper sleep.

I keep wanting to lay in more and be properly rested but when I'm expecting a parcel, I worry about oversleeping and scrambling to the door before I miss the postie or courier.

I prefer to have my lenses in and be fresh and dressed, otherwise I don't feel like squinting to see who is at the door. I try not to rub my eyes but I always do, to get the grit out and now they are just tender and irritable.

I don't usually have issues with flies but I have one at the moment that is obsessed with me. Keeps buzzing around and landing on the laptop.

I never see it unless it's nearby. I've tried a bowl of water, spritzing peppermint essential oil, spraying/squishing it but it just won't die or fly out, grr.

I hate eating while it's hovering nearby. Oh I even tried binaural beats but it seemed to love that and lingered around even more. 

If you haven't read the twitter updates, what happened was, I kept refreshing the Amazon tracker and there was no news and it didn't say out for delivery, just that it was expected today (Saturday).

Then the next minute I see "package delayed in transit" so I have customer services call me, which I'm glad is working again.

Only to be told, they have no idea what's happening and it will arrive, anytime over the weekend so just keep waiting or Monday call for a refund.

It's irritating that there wasn't more information and it's their own service and they don't have an update? Amazon logistics, useless.

I'm trying to be optimistic but it's not looking good and by the evening I'm frustrated and call again in case I missed something.

I get told the same thing, just keep being patient and it will probably arrive soon blah blah. I just roll my eyes because it stays on the delayed message.

Sunday morning I get up early and decide to call again because I don't feel like waiting around the whole day. Finally I get some news.

He said Oh turns out, your package was damage en route and that was the reason for the delay and I'm thinking, they didn't have the common sense to send another one, until I called up??

Grrr!!! If I hadn't of chased it up, I would still be waiting. I'm sick of using the broken headphones. He says he has reassigned it and I should get it today (Monday).

The tracking was updated, with some garbage about Customer requested a new date. Pfft what about Amazon failed to deliver and inform me what the hell was going on??

Anyway it's now 8.42am and the tracking hasn't changed to Out for delivery yet. I know it's still early but I've been properly up since 7am and I can't relax until it's set in motion and I have it in my hands.

I may just ring them again to have some peace of mind. I find when something goes wrong, I have to keep chasing it up to get it, otherwise somehow there are more complexities to deal with and more time has passed, amplifying the lateness.

The representative said something about lunchtime but my head was fuzzy and I missed it. Ok I don't feel the reassurance I was counting on.

I called them up and she said the company line, all set for today but it's not out for delivery, 6am-8pm I think she said and it's nearly 9am now.

I'll just hope that it shows up. I would like to see if it's worth all this drama. I feel like I still prefer both options, overhead for daytime and outdoors and earbuds for nighttime and sleeping.

#BlogLife248 - Lend me your ear bud(dy)

Hmm I guess it's been a while since I revisited and checked out the prices of earbuds. I've always gone overhead even though it flattens my hair because the battery life is so much better.

I was browsing Amazon and the range seems to be from 5 hours to 10 but the more hours it contains, the less positive the feedback seems to be.

I just want to sleep in them and not have them snap apart. I'm going to try out a pair I saw with a whopping £10 discount. It should have been £30 with postage but there were offers galore so I got it for £19.50.

Ahh the original, original price was £26 and then it reduced and offered me a further deal ha :D

Prime did offer me a free trial but I'm saving it for Summer or Christmas when I send the most gifts. Earbuds used to be a lot more expensive.

It was regular headphones that were about £10-£20 which is usually what I spend. I always sniff out a deal. I checked Vipon but none of them had those ear hooks thingys.

I'm trying it again because something has to last me more than a couple of months shish!!

It's the same price I would usually pay so if they are a bust, it won't be a big deal. 

I scoured pages of them and all have this false advertising now. 150 hours of playtime. Pffft. That's if you constantly stick it on the charger, which you won't do if you're asleep.

I narrowed it down to 2, tried to watch some reviews but they aren't a big brand so there were vague videos on youtube but I read the amazon reviews which were positive.

I don't know if I'll use it for the laptop, calls and videos yet. I guess I'll see how it fairs. I'm going to have to use something while the beats charges up anyhow.

I wasn't bothered about next day delivery because I find Amazon delivers things quite quickly. I expect it will be here before the weekend but we'll see.

They predicted Saturday and I can usually track it even on free delivery so I'll check my mail tomorrow to see a despatch update.

The first time I had earbuds, either they were free or very low cost. It was a simple design and only a few hours of battery life, they didn't stay in my ears and were buried in my hair or totally off in the bed by the morning.

I also found a significant sound delay with music and videos. I'm nervous about the choice I made. Will it be a disaster?

I wasn't impressed, plus the exorbitant costs put me off. I also liked the feeling of having my whole ear covered to ward off background noise.

I bought the pair for the best experience. It's vital for me to block out noise so fingers crossed they are a good buy.

I'll either tack the initial review on here or do a separate post and give you my thoughts.

Weird the seller just sent me a message. Stating there is a 2 year guarantee which I didn't know about and that if I have any queries I can reach out to them, which is nice to know.

I can usually have amazon sort things out for me but now the phone lines aren't working on their side, it makes it trickier. I also prefer speaking to someone, than usually the bot chat system, grr.

I thought it was out for delivery today but no joy. It could still happen as they deliver late until the evening and delivery is usually in 1-2 days time but we'll see.

If not tomorrow it is. I wonder if they can connect to multiple devices or if it will affect my ear allergies?

#BlogLife247 - Volunteer your philosophy

Unfortunately there are some volunteer sessions where I can see where it's heading and I want to back out of it but I usually persist and hope it settles down or is short or they ask for someone else.

It's the rambly type chats, where there isn't a specific issue because those tend to fire personal questions at me as though, they are the Volunteer and I'm the member.

Not really ideal for someone like me, who is reserved and careful about not sharing personal information. This one was relatively short though and I could relate to it so it wasn't too bad.

It's just a bit tiring when someone is interviewing me and in a sneaky way ascertaining whether I am qualified to handle a general conversation.

It's a tad insulting when there isn't even a particular sensitive subject matter. It was easy to keep my cool though because I was relaxed and not taking it personally.

I can understand looking for a specific person to listen to your problems but if you're not really sharing anything, I don't see why the patronising questions are coming up?

I have handled an array of highly sensitive matters. Those people didn't give me the third degree, they were just immensely grateful to have someone willing to support them.

I'm happy to lend my time but some members are either using this service for the wrong reason to have a chitchat or they are confusing us with paid professionally trained therapists, which we are not.

There was some empathetic training involved but we are not present to make life changing deductions. As I've said before some things I can't relate to, never been married, don't have kids etc but I can still be there for someone who feels isolated and overwhelmed.

If you consider yourself that highly and prefer a much grander knowledgeable interaction, then stop being a damn cheapskate and pay for a licenced counsellor that can give you what you need.

I just think these people are a tad delusional and don't have what I consider deep rooted problems. I can be present but if you're continuing to talk around the houses and not discuss anything significant, isn't that wasting both our time?

The truly vulnerable I don't have an issue with coaxing out the details because I know they will eventually get to it. If you are curious about what types of chat I've taken......

Without breaking confidentiality, here it is in a general way...

Bullying

Sexual/Verbal Abuse

Work/Study Productivity

Suicide

Self Harm

Loneliness

Infidelity

Relationship Issues

PTSD

Grief

Eating Disorders

Body Image

Self Esteem

There are probably more but you get the gist of what I cover now and can see why, some chats are highly charged and draining and others are routine.

I admit I favour the problem-related chats more highly because there's a fixed subject and I know how I can offer guidance or care when needed.

Also those chats aren't firing questions at me, they are too emotionally raw to nitpick. I hope that gives you a better understanding and maybe you can understand me a bit better.

I don't claim to be a saint, unless I'm messing around so as someone that has to have their own back and prop myself up on a daily basis due to physical/emotional pain, this is why my patience wears thin and I feel irked.

I do love volunteering but within the parameters that I'm comfortable with. Just because I'm helping others, it doesn't mean I have to serve myself up to be scrutinised or disrespected.

#BlogLife246 - Unwanted

I just got back from the market and ordered some sandwiches and these fruity nutty bars. Ok full confession I also got the hazelnut truffles because they are quite tasty.

I am all out of shampoo so I bought the Mane N Tail Provitamin B5 Deep Moisture shampoo for £3ish. It's 355ml so should last me a month or so.

It's green inside and sweet. I don't know why that bubble gum scent is always present at first but thankfully soon fades away :)

When I try it out properly, I'll let you know. I just washed my hair so it won't be for a while as now I have my leave in conditioner I don't wash it as much.

I also bought what I thought was a small face flannel but turns out to be tiny towel. They didn't have many nice shades so I just opted for the honey colour.

I did ask if it was a face flannel and was told Yes. Hmm, not so much but it will do, it was only £1.50 and feels relatively softer than my previous version.

I also spotted some Maynard Bassetts Sports Mix jelly sweets. I really hope they are not like jelly babies, can't stand those. However if they are akin to wine gums then they'll be deliciouso.

I forgot to buy cheese at Iceland so I saw some cheddar but no mild sadly which is my preference and no mini cooked chicken fillets.

I don't think I've ever seen mozzarella in a sliced version so I picked that up too. I also got some blue slippers. I'll wear one when cleaning and the other to walk about it.

I've finished my monthly but I feel as nauseated and bloated as ever. I do wish the symptoms would stop being before, during and after. Grr.

It's extremely difficult not to gag, knowing you have to cover your face and not feel deprived of oxygen which is what you desperately need not to vomit.

I cheated again with my hair. It wouldn't comply so I stuck it in a tight bun. One day I'll find something fun to do with it.

Oh and I checked my mailbox and typical, there was a missed parcel note. Grr. I'll just have it redelivered for Thursday. I'm sure I just missed him as it's usually around lunchtime I see him.

Ooh I tried out the sweets and they are like mini wine gums, yum, I also tried out egg and avocado which I have never sampled before, that is almost as good as chicken.

No wonder that combination is so popular, also pesto and chicken was scrumptious. Pret really is my favourite, sandwich wise, fresh and different.

Ugh I've restarted my period. I don't know why but sometimes it does happen twice in one month but not for ages, it had really settled down.

I'm back to listening to the binaural beats to help calm it. That works better than any pill from the quack doctors. 

I'm sick of sleeping in hair bobbles and it itching my scalp because it's too tight and then loosens itself. I decided to use clips to pin it up as it's so short now and it mostly worked.

I didn't feel any irritation or discomfort and aside from a wisp at the side, it all held together really well. I love these clips, just plain slightly larger hair slides but they have a strong grip.

#BlogLife245 - Too boring to blog

I guess I worry sometimes that because my life isn't one big outdoorsy adventure, it might be uninteresting to most. 

The majority are probably sharing tales about parties and get-together's and I'm talking about food, movies or pain..

Then I try to flip it over and think, well there are others like me in the world, trying to find someone relatable that they can take comfort in hearing about and maybe that's my demographic?

Or it could be that someone is trying to get into blogging or fiction and think I might be useful in that sense?

I'm not really sure why you follow or peruse my blog but happy to welcome you all the same.

One of the hardest things is constantly being told I'm not sick and should be able to do this, that and the other. It's just an ongoing fight to be recognised as chronically ill when even the doctors are dismissive.

It's gotten to the point I don't even try to argue anymore. I just say look I know what I can and can't do and if you try to force me, you'll see what happens to my body and my delicate frame of mind.

You think I'm mild mannered now, wait and see how I unfold when I'm crippled in agony and no longer at peace.

I guess the other thing is that my life does tend to be a tad soap-opera-ish. There always seems to be something peculiar on the radar.

I am comping a tiny bit more. Possibly to get a bit more balance than just writing. The volunteering is still there, but it's not as busy.

I feel like people have gotten fed up with the frequent crashes and migrated elsewhere. I can't blame them because I get frustrated too, trying to support someone and suddenly I'm offline or my responses aren't displayed.

I guess I knew this but the only position I can actually stand and not be wincing in pain is lying on my bed. I can't sit/stand/walk/bend for long.

Plus even when lounging on my bed, my elbows, hands and hips are tender but still the best place for me. It's where I get the least pain.

I suppose my point is with blogging there is something for everyone and if there isn't, then go and create it and share your voice with others.

It's only petrifying at first and then you'll love it. It's just making the time for it and writer's block to contend with.

#BlogLife244 - Chew on this..

I just bought and tried out Iceland's hi fi cereal bars. They aren't often in stock and they released a new flavour, peanut butter, one of my favourites in confectionary goodies.

I thought there would be a thin strip of chocolate but there wasn't. It wasn't overly sweet, just a bit chewy and a delicious amount of nuts and slight caramel blended together.

It's really yummy. I would definitely get it again. It actually reminds me of the Tracker bars I was obsessed with. 

For lunch I thought I would do something different. I bought some beef meatballs and I'm going to layer them on a pizza sub to make a tasty sandwich.

I don't think Iceland sell olives or I would have purchased them also. The shopping arrived nearly an hour late but I was up and ready. I could have had an extra hours sleep though.

They are doing this promotion at the moment so I have won some free Easter sweets or chocolates from it. I might try the Ferrero tablet, I've only ever sampled the eggs.

I don't really have any food cravings apart from KFC. I'm still waiting for my fitted sheet to arrive but that's gonna be sometime next week.

I was hoping to get it today but he just posted it last night :( I hope it isn't delivered on Tuesday because I won't be here. Please don't leave it with the neighbours, ugh!!

Just polished off the sub and burnt my mouth a few times because it smelled so good but it was lush. The meatballs cooked surprisingly quick, I thought they would take ages.

Maybe because they were miniatures? After 10ish minutes they were completely cooked, my oven is pretty powerful though, so that could be the reason.

Aww another set of headphones are to be trashed. The JBL which lasted me... 5 whole months. Grr the bit near the ear cup snapped so they don't sit properly on my ears.

I'll get another one in the shops or in Amazon, I haven't decided with the latter there is sure to be a discount. Or I suppose I could check ebay..

#BlogLife243 - Waiting on you

I got up extra early yesterday waiting for an appointment to show and I put certain things aside like the wet clothes and other bits and pieces and decided to hold off from eating a lil bit.

Then what happens is.... They are a no-show. No calls or emails or texts to say sorry got held up, can we re-schedule, they'll just show up unannounced at the worst possible time.

Grr as it's Friday, it may be today but this time. I'm not making any special effort. The washing can stay drying on the side of the bath and everything else can stay in place.

DHL just send me an email for a new game, switcheroo, find the bunny to win a discount or a hotel chocolat hamper. I'm not a huge fan but it's a fun way to pass the time, briefly.

https://send.dhlparcel.co.uk/parcel-delivery/game?utm_source=LeadFamly&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=EasterBunny_5

UK residents only, I'm pretty sure. I'm freezing today but I don't know what to have. I was having hot soup in the mornings as a warmup beverage but that's finished.

My lovely ritz crackers are done. I had leftover dairylea cheese but they were actually nicer plain. If you want another topping idea, try the Prince salmon paste, now that is delicious.

I'm going to do a food shop for tomorrow and I just bought some fitted sheets. I don't know if mine shrunk but suddenly they are too small and can't fit the corners.

They are quite a few years old I'm sure. It's tricky with memory foam mattresses. You have to get the extra deep and largest size.

Mine is practically a double bed or slightly bigger but I have to always get super king and 40cm deep corners. I think that's what I usually get or maybe this is a bit larger.

I looked for cotton percale or Egyptian cotton to see what was cheaper and paid £12 including postage which isn't too bad. I hope the quality is thick and durable.