#BlogLife343 - What level of friend are you?

I have an acquaintance that migrated into a friend recently-ish. He's harmless, doesn't flirt, doesn't intrude.

We just can talk for hours about non serious things for a long time.

I never realise I need that silly sort of chitchat until I am in the middle of it and it makes me smile and feelgood amongst all the drama and pain.

I think we've only touched on one deep and meaningful conversation about friendships, this entire time but I'm okay with it appearing superficial because it's something that I need to break up my day.

Another friend I can do a broader chat with, serious, lighthearted, she can cover it all and that's somewhat more meaningful because I'm not censoring myself, I can just share and know that she won't judge me or take it the wrong way on purpose.

They are both significant and fill a role and I'm grateful to have them in my life.

I have seen my fair share of unnatural friendships over the years.

People that target me for personal information that then use it against me to assume I am a certain way or to act superior.

People that expect me to drop everything, when they are in crisis but don't have the decency to do the same in return.

Even if I divulge something, I feel it's still one aspect of it, not the whole thing.

Do you have someone you can be yourself around? Do you have someone that you trust completely?

It's not easy to figure these things out. I only seem to do that when I've shared something private and then I face the reaction and think ahhhhhh, so you're that type of person. Hmm.

We all have to take chances though, let someone in but be cautious, see how they do with the small secrets first before moving on to the bigger ones.

#BlogLife342 - Aftermath of physical/emotional trauma

I've been snapping a lot and I'm trying to take some steps to deal with my feelings.

I'm surprised that I'm sleeping really well at the moment, huge chunks of sleep which is unusual but very needed.

I've done some pampering too, I added a mask and face wash to the face brush and spent a bit longer massaging my face which was glorious.

My skin is glowing and I feel more calmer but there is still something lingering behind.

I guess anger because it could have been avoided and why even put traffic lights out if they are faulty??

I'm conflicted about travelling home to see family. On one hand I still feel guilty about not seeing them and I am downplaying their destructive depressing influence on my life....

But on the other side, the older I get, the less I can hide from the brutality of it.

It's not all bad but it just seems easier for them to get to me and it takes me longer and longer to bounce back.

I really wish they could sense how toxic their language and behaviour is but there is just no self awareness, they think they are all fine!

Maybe it would be different if I was mentally stronger. If I had tougher walls that didn't crack.

I don't know, I'm trying, I'm working on it. It's just hard sometimes, dealing with the aches and pains, PTSD, the insomnia, the writers block and the nightmares.

Plus having to support myself, knowing that no one is ever going to have my back. 

I really have to watch a tearjerker, which is the next step to force the tears out but I'm not really in the mood.

I've been enjoying the latin pop songs and adding more to the playlists which is fun.

Although I did try to watch one and didn't feel anything lol. Bollywood films always make me cry but reading the subtitles gives me a headache.

I did end up speaking to mama yesterday and she was different.

She seemed like she was actually listening, sympathising and focused, normally she is barely there and quick to disconnect.

I'm not sure why the change of heart and I'm not expecting a complete turnaround but it was pleasant and we will probably meet soon for dual pedicures.

My family is tolerable in really tiny doses, that's what I've realised.

#BlogLife341 - Dodging deaths call

I've been wondering why yesterday has been plaguing me so much. I think it's because I cheated death again.

It's brought it all back and I can recall all the conversations, exactly how I felt, all the life being drained out of me slowly.

I recall the policewoman asking me how I was and me slipping in and out of consciousness saying I'm scared.

The male cop nervously or shockingly laughing exclaiming we all thought you died!

I switched from bouts of, I'm ready to go, to I want to live. Yesterday I felt the same sense of helplessness and fear.

I just kept pondering, how am I going to get home, where it's safe, when I'm stuck?

I was in so much pain and there was so much danger all around me.

I just kept swearing and telling myself to rest, stop, take a deep breath and carry on, not far now, it's ok, you're doing great.

I mean midway I was taking baby steps and stopping. I was holding on to the walls, poles, fences, anything to steady myself.

I felt dizzy, I felt the discomfort of being upright for so long and my body was locking up and home seemed to be so far away.

A strange thing that happened when I was finally at the bus stop was a van honked at me, this guy waved and smiled.

I didn't recognise him, so as usual I just looked at him and he drove off. If it was someone I knew I would have begged for a lift home.

I have no idea if it was a stranger or somebody from my past. I did look lovely. 

I tried on the second new top, it was one of those built in jackety 2 in 1 tops, thinnish but it all seemed kinda fitted and loose near the middle.

These tops were made for me, stylish and pretty and just suited me so well. I just wish the other colours were in stock.

Anyway I think it was the control freak side of me that was in distress. I just could not get my bearings and there were so many obstacles that I lost it completely.

Oh to give you some context, the journey takes anywhere from 10-15mins so bear that in mind, when I say it took me 1 hour and 30 minutes to travel home!!!

I passed my breaking point. Had a fit of tears because it was a situation I could not tackle and that just made me panic and think, am I going to make it this time??

#BlogLife340 - Death becomes me

I really didn't want to blog today, I knew I would be exhausted from going out twice this week.

The pain and exhaustion lock in place until the next outing but I had to be somewhere and the morning got away from me, decided to experiment with the hair, half up, half down.

It looked cute, even if it's uneven at the back. I didn't have time for full makeup so just did some lipgloss.

Nobody knew anything but the bus stopped once and said, hop on the other one and that one stopped a bit later and said the roads closed, everyone exit.

What the hell was the point? Just say up ahead has been barricaded both the footpath and the road.

I think the bus station was closed as cars whizzed by normally but buses halted.

Still I was determined, I like to keep appointments and I was halfway and then the road I needed to take was sealed off.

The sun was draining me of energy, I forgot to program in the phone number and I thought to myself, if you know, the area is blocked, why the hell wouldn't you call, text or email, to say...

Stay home, there is very lil access here, we will reschedule. But nooooo, there was nothing at all.

So in the end I had to turn back and saw half the bus stops were closed and there were roadworks blocking me again.

The man made traffic lights weren't working and I tried to cross and this car came out of nowhere and almost got me.

I had a major panic attack because I couldn't cross the road and I had to, to get the bus.

I just burst into tears because I was so scared and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I was just worrying and people just walked by and completely ignored me, whatever, people are sick in this world.

It took me about 10 minutes to cross, I swear I had to wait until there was a family there and go with them because I was shaking.

I got home and found an indirect message.......Oh by the way, meeting cancelled.

Bastards!! You gotta excuse my language in here and on twitter but I need to vent and heal up.

I just ordered a pizza, chicken, olives and green peppers and some wings, plus chocolate fudge cake.

It will last me 2/3 days. I'm not even sure I am hungry, just trying to drink a lot and replenish the lost fluids.

Luckily I don't have to go anywhere for a week hopefully. I gotta clear my bed, so much, makeup, clothes and beauty supplies.

May your weekend be full of laughter and not tears. I'll see you Monday hopefully........I need tlc.

#BlogLife339 - Penpal or pen-peculiar??

It's been a lil while since I had some penpal requests come through and they haven't improved at all.

There just doesn't seem to be any brain function there. The recent one came in a few days ago. I forgot to check and he wrote the whole email in the subject box!!

Why why why?? How could you not proof read or check before sending it off? I know we are all busy and I have done that but I corrected myself shortly after.

Then to make matters worse, he told me nothing about himself, not even the basics, like age and location.

All he was content to do was ask questions and provide nothing of himself which as you know, I can't stand!!

It shall be marked for spam and ignored. My advert that I posted gave tidbits about myself, that's the whole point of trying to connect, you put yourself out on display to see if anyone appeals or can relate.

Ugh.... I'm not really to bothered about finding a new one. I'm super busy at the moment, it's just the process of vetting them, is tedious.

I was spoilt with the Australian one, she was sweet but taxing, there was too much because I had to match the energy. I can write a medium letter but long is too time consuming.

I did rival her fervor for a long time but I found myself zapped of energy and then things happened and I pulled away but let her know the situation first.

Oh and I bumped into one of the J's a while back but instead of him introducing himself being transparent like I would be. Hi it's.. Not sure if we are on friendly terms but good to see you etc etc.

He just sidled his way into my messages pretending to be someone else and when I called him out asking if he was J? He became vague and refused to answer directly.

What a coward! And manipulative too, he knew I didn't want to talk to him, so covered his identity and tried to get a hangout with me underhandedly.

Ickity ick ick!! My reply was.... It probably is you because you never give me a straight answer so I'm off to have a real conversation *blockity block block block*

That felt very satisfying because I let him get away with twisting the truth for a very long time. It's like they turn the tables on me and make it my fault.

Grrrr schmuckity schmuck!!

#BlogLife338 - Do you love my bad side?

I finally got around to plucking my brows and filing my nails and as I was looking in the mirror trying to do my right brow as I am right handed and can't seem to do it.

 

I laid down to see if I could get a better angle. Finally I just set up the laptop light, placed the mirror and managed it that way.

But a memory came to me. Do you enhance your pictures and edit them? Do you feel comfortable showcasing your natural self...Unfiltered?

It's scary but I did just that quite a long while ago. It wasn't the first image I showed him of me but it was probably the last.

He was too frightened to send me his snapshot but I wasn't in the end.

The last one was me in a downcast mood. I didn't fake my feelings. I don't think I wore makeup. I just went for the whole reveal.

It was a bad likeness of me but for some reason I loved it. I think I realise now, it's because I wasn't hiding, I wasn't presenting my best self.

This was a test to see what he really thought of the unearthed me. Way before he eventually showed me himself, his personality was beginning to rise to the surface.

Insecure, angry, spiteful and mean. Not at all the "good" guy he tried to hard to portray.

I think I was even sleeveless in that photo. He rang me and practically screeched in response.

Why would you send me this? You look ill. Are you okay? I really don't like it. You don't look like you. It's really bad. You look bad.

I remember laughing and a genuine smile spread across my face. He couldn't see past this bad picture but I could.

I knew there was more to me, than just this imperfect display. I hide myself away, not because I'm ashamed.

Everything I do and say is on my terms, not yours. There is a freedom that you can't steal away from me.

Don't analyse me, the shadows are my friends. 

I cut my hair short again, just above my shoulders and tomorrow I'll put curlers in, put makeup on, put an outfit on and shine.

You may not be able to see me, but I can see you. 

A story is plaguing me finally.

Now I'm ready to work on the tales.

#BlogLife337 - New moi?

I think my nausea has finally come under control. I got in after doing some shopping and I just felt feverish.

I ordered breakfast, switched the fan on and took a big swig of lucozade orange and I don't feel so bad anymore.

Today started off coldish and as though it was going to rain so I put the new warm top on, blue with a sorta print, minus the animal.

It looks nice and it fit baggy in the right places, like over my tum tum. It feels loose but fitted in a way, hard to explain but I love it and I just paired it with grey trousers.

I'm running low on supplies so I thought I would get some in and I really had no excuse to go in the international market and pick up snacks, so I bypassed it sadly. Ha.

Now that the Mane N Tail shampoo bottle is nearly finished. I can't say I'm impressed. I don't feel it volumised or made my scalp healthier.

I much prefer the leave in conditioner, which did give my hair a boost and still does.

I'm trying different brands to find something I like, the newest is Sahara. £2.50 for a 500ml bottle. It's aimed at dry skin and has aloe vera.

I'll probably use it as an everyday lotion. It's medium thickness, not runny but not super thick either.

It's easily absorbed and I wasn't spending ages trying to rub it in, which is tedious.

It's a generic scent which is not the best, herbally type but that's not a deal breaker. 

I sampled some of it on my elbows and hands and it feels soft-ish. I need to finish off the old products and test it properly.

But I do like the price tag, it being cheaper than the last set I bought.

I also spotted Ayumi (a brand I think I've tried before and liked) sandalwood and ylang ylang face wash.

It's clear, thickish and costs £2 for a 150 tube which is also great value for money.

I can smell the sandalwood but not the sweet ylang ylang. I might try it tonight but I should really use up the previous stuff.

Lastly Vatika cactus hair fall shampoo £4.50 and it's multivitamin.  It smells lovely and fresh and at 400ml size, should last me a while as I don't wash my hair every day.

As per usual when I've used them a few times over a few weeks, I'll let you know how I get on with them in a review post.

#BlogLife336 - I'm nice, are you?

I always struggled to get close to people. I felt like I was invading their territory or not able to be myself and freely express what I needed too.

There was a barrier up and still is. I thought it would be easier with family but they were untrustworthy and cruel.

During this time of apathy and unsupportiveness I was blaming myself.

I thought that if I devoted more time to them and sacrificed my requirements, that they would treat me better.

Instead they used me and took me for granted. This is where the inner conflict came.

Should I be patient? Should I cut them off?

As a decent person I told myself I was being too judgemental and I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

But their disrespectful behaviour escalated. I felt so proud stating..

You said you were thinking about me, however that wasn't the case, else you would have contacted me.

Texts, emails and calls are so easy when you're invested. When you're obligated that's when it's hard work to keep in touch.

I got tired of the lies. Nobody is forcing you to keep in contact halfheartedly.

I choose nothingness rather than forced polite chitchat lacking heart and warmth.

It's made ne not want to display my softer side or realise that I would like to spoil someone and take care of them..

But only if they prove themselves first. I've reached my limit of dealing with people who use me, when it suits them. 

On a further bizarre note. The situation I was dealing with resolved itself, for now anyway.

I opened the weekends mail altogether today and read the letter that made no sense, when they were busy accusing me of randomness and saying we're turning our backs on you.

That was on the phone and now the letter contradicts that and says, well we realised something had changed (it hadn't).

But all is well again and things can get back to normal. I'm just relieved I don't have to take any further action.

Oh and lastly, there is someone that keeps looking at my phone while I'm accessing personal emails/texts.

It's really cringey..... Why would you do that?? Look elsewhere. I have to access it in front of him to get some details but you don't have to look at my bloody phone and read it.

Ewwwww!!!!

#BlogLife335 - Does Dumbo make earbuds?

My un-adjustable ear hooks attached to the earbuds feel so huge sometimes. I'm sure they are designed for men... But do all males have Dumbo ears??

They stay on and are secure but they still feel as though they will fall on the floor most times. 

I don't feel they will safely stay unless I occasionally tuck them back behind my ears every few hours.

I really wish they would design some of these products for women, who use them just as much as guys do.

They need a lock button also, to stop the buttons being accidentally pressed when fixing hair or laying on them.

I feel like I've done all my weekly tasks, just some tidying left, I want to get lots of sleep and relax this weekend and have my mind clear maybe then I can recuperate.

I'm trying to be organised, I haven't really talked much. I haven't been flirting for a while. I'm not in the mood for randoms or volunteering but I'll get back to it, when things calm down.

I got into 2 new shows. Blindspot about this mystery woman dumped in the city with amnesia and clues tattooed on her body.

A new tv show DI Ray with Parminder Nagra about a detective solving murders which I love as I get to figure it out along side them and see who the love interests are ha.

I love that she got promoted as a token and was expected to fail by her superiors and yet outshines them in every way and proves them all wrong ha!!

I do want to work on the stories but to be honest with you I feel mentally and physically drained.

Everytime I go to write, I end up laying down and wanting to sleep. I don't really want to do anything this weekend but I'll see how it goes...

That is the peculiar thing, it can just burst out and I can finish a whole story just like that and other times, it will trickle frustratingly slowly.

If I could manage the stress, I would feel much better but ongoing events are out of my control so I have to be patient and play it out.

#BlogLife334 - SS you're a phenomenal writer

I think I'm in need of another pep talk because deep down I'm still looking for others to give me that validation as an author.

I'm not a real publisher. I just feel like I'm posing as one and competing against legitimate voices.

I'm not feeling down or insecure as such just a lil vulnerable and exposed I suppose. I mean this mood will hit me randomly.

It's hard to write when it does come around because I have the same thought plaguing me.....

Why bother? You know it's crap and uninteresting and nobody wants to read it.....!!

However I try to persist until the moment passes and I remind myself that I am composing for myself and if someone else relates to it, then that is a bonus.

Do I believe I am phenomenal?? Ha! No way!! Sometimes though I force myself to title or add bits that I don't necessarily think of as facts right now but maybe someday I will feel differently.

I really miss my daytime naps. Not having them has taken it's toll. I just don't get to recharge and catch up on the missed sleep like before.

Every bone just feels pushed to it's limit and them some. It's not an attention seeking thing, it's a me thing. 

A reminder to be kind to myself and have courage and confidence, that I sometimes lack and to keep pushing forward even if I feel negative and self loathing.

It just helps to admit it out loud, to push these feelings to the surface, instead of trying to bury them and feel them grow stronger.

#BlogLife333 - Is it only Wednesday??!!

I honestly thought we were closer to the weekend. I got my hopes up that it was Thursday today but nope only Wednesday.

I slept for a while, woke up ridiculously early but forced myself to sleep some more and it worked.

I do feel rested but now it seems like the weekends are the most chilling part so hurry up and get here.

An update to putting the wipes in the freezer... I got distracted and instead of just leaving them in for half an hour or so... I left them for ages.

It was baby wipes so they were already flimsy and now when I try to pull them out, they just break apart ha. They finally do feel cold though.

Another thing which made me cringe. A big boo boo I made. I didn't even realise until I was removing my makeup but I had either toothpaste or lippy stains on my teeth.

Noooooo. Nobody said a word. I don't know if it happened when I came home as I was wiping off lippy but I'm starting to think it was from the morning.

As it was dry but I always check as I'm doing my hair. How did I not see it or feel it?? If that was me, I would have told the person.

Look I don't want to embarass you but you need to fix that.. I am glad I trimmed my nails as they are snagging. I have to snip the edges off and re-file them.

Thanks to this horribly humid weather my face feels perpetually greasy.

I just washed it and it feels dewy and oily. It's like the cleanser isn't being removing but I know it has been.

I keep forgetting to pluck my brows and make them look presentable. I can't reshape them, I let the salon do that but I can tidy them. I just keep getting pulled into other things.

#BlogLife332 - Surrendering to fate

I actually feel better. I went to bed earlier than usual and just drifted off in a relatively short time.

I did wake up but seemed to fall back asleep easily. I forced myself to eat breakfast, my stomach was flip flopping but actually the nausea is gone.

I'm enjoying the Never Have I Ever season 3 episodes, minus the cursing.

But I think just saying it out loud that I'm giving up trying to control everything that is beyond my grasp was freeing.

A weight lifted off my shoulders and I actually said the words, well alright, I'm off to have a good cry now, take care..

I didn't actually have a weeping session, I felt like it but it just didn't come and I didn't mind either way.

The audience was bewildered but sometimes I am very in touch with my complicated emotions.

It's knowing that I have been responsible that helps. I have nothing to feel bad about.

I'm enjoying healthy snacks, fruit and nuts but those lollies are calling my name...

Sometimes it's better to let go. I know that I can catch myself, take care of me and be the hero/heroine to my own story.

Speaking of which it's going to make editing the unfinished stories tricky as I normally add my notes to the drafts which I had to delete as it gave away plot points.

Did you like them? I would have thought the arranged marriage one would have been more popular but the writer one gained more interest.....

Hmmmm.... I'm also relieved that Saturday I think it was, I received my new bank card. Honestly I was fretting about the neighbours taking it but I have it now and can chill.

I'm currently watching the second episode of My Big Fat Fab Life. I still find it strange, that she can't hire professionals for the odd jobs she needs and uses friends instead but meh..

I think it would be fun if Jessica turns out to be a bridezilla and she looks cute as a blondie.

#BlogLife331 - I'm not a liar

First of all I'm sorry these posts aren't happy ones. I'm trying but things still continue to go downhill.

I spent the morning throwing up and trying to settle my stomach enough so that I could push the fan out of my face and get dressed.

I had an appointment where the person asked how I was, stared at me blankly, typed away, and then said alright we're done.

What was the point? I thought they were getting background information and details but nothing, while I was pleading to myself not to faint or vomit.

I popped into Tesco and managed to not buy any dessert, to be honest, I wanted too, but there was nothing healthy so I just bought raw cashew nuts that are deliciously unsalted and sandwiches so I don't have to move much.

I have no energy whatsoever and it felt like it took me 10 minutes to catch my breath.

I did sleep last night for a few hours so I had time for hair and makeup.

I was wearing this thin long sleeved sparkly blue top and over it a light purply waterfall style t-shirt and mauve trousers.

Plus pink lippy and violet eyeshadow. It was a real purple day. I do love the colour, bright and cheery.

I gave myself another manicure too and for shorter nails, they still look feminine and decent.

On to the foodie reviews. I went off icecream years ago, I think it was part of my healthier eating program.

But I heard milk lollies are supposed to be the lower calorie option so I decided to try some out.

The first was Barratt milk bottle ice lollies and it was £1.50 but had 6 large contained inside. 288g each. 

It was creamy and didn't fully melt straight away. It was thickish and tasty. Sweet and enjoyable. I just wish there were more flavours instead of just vanilla.

I recommend it though. The next was Barratt strawberry milkshake, which were the same size and amount but it was amazing.

It was just like eating a frozen milkshake. Totally over the top but soo yummy. The only thing is they melt really fast, within seconds, so you have to eat it fast.

I consider that my dessert so I don't need anything else. Oh I just remembered I bought fruit too, melon and grapes ha.

As for the title, I just wish people would take me at face value. I'm being transparent but my word is being doubted and I hate that.

They make me feel as if I am an imposter grr! Anyway it is, what is. I have a plan and will wait for the final deliberation and move on.

#BlogLife330 - You can't keep a semi decent minx down!

I thought I was going to have a stress free weekend but I got some bad news today and the issue I thought was going to resolve just spiralled.

I take comfort in the fact that I was pro active and did what I could but it just seems to be a targeted resolution full of spite for a situation that is out of my hands.

I'm kinda surprised how it turned out but then again, I've been having ongoing issues so I guess it had to come to a head eventually.

I do have a recourse I will follow when I am notified officially and it's something people were pushing me to do anyway. I wasn't certain it was in my best interests and still not but I am out of choices so I will make the best of it.

I know that I promised a fiction piece and I don't have it in me to create a new one but I have unfinished stories that I may just publish.

I don't really like doing that, it seems untidy to put out half a story but I am struggling right now to get any peace and clarity.

This problem has taken over my mind so I just need to keep going and push past the angst I feel.

Have a blissful weekend and I'm going to try and relax eventually..

#BlogLife329 - Give me your soul, but don't question it!

Today I finally got the answers I was looking for to tackle a personal problem after I gently enquired what I had to do next.

In the rudest possible way, the person implied I was not being straight forward and hiding things and that I should stop wasting their time and give what was asked quickly.

It's too late to respond tonight so I will deal with it tomorrow morning.

All I wanted to know is, what the situation was and how I could assist but it's like they were exasperated when they didn't even clarify it in the first place. Grr

Nobody here is psychic and knows everything instantly. Transparency would just be nice is all. I want to close this chapter too.

I spent the morning holding waiting on customer service to clarify it all and I just took a deep breath to calm my temper as they asked me to repeat the same thing.

Give what I already have before a dozen times over. Ugh. Am I dealing with idiots?

To give her credit though, she was actually nice and helpful, even though, it's repetitive.

I'm just hoping that I am now done. I filled in the form, yet again and put in the extra request, plus just added a note.

I don't see what is left. I have complied completely. What made me laugh was she didn't even ask if I minded, just said stay on the line and take part in a feedback survey ha!!

After all that time faffing about? I just hung up lol. Purlease, you wasted my entire morning, you think I have time to answer moronic questions.

You are incompetent, let's just leave it at that. If it were me. I would look through it all, cross things off a checklist and say ok just to clarify, email me this and you are done.

#BlogLife328 - Dead stories or dead writer?

I'm still really stressed waiting for something to resolve. I didn't have the best night sleep, woke up every few hours so finally at 7amish I just made myself rest, instead of getting up.

And a few hours later, no nausea or pain and I felt more rejuvenated. Ok now the pain is starting to kick in slowly.

Normally I'll have the current stories or something random playing in my head, evolving the plot but for a long time now, that hasn't happened.

I just don't think I'm relaxed enough. There's always something that seems to ruin my mood and I'm trying really hard to be pro active and not let chores pile up but nothing is quite working out.

My nails looked good long but I just chopped them short again, much easier to deal with.

I think I'll challenge myself to post either a story, fiction piece or a wattpad chapter before the week is out.

Maybe that will get me fired up. I wonder if it's safe to put wipes in the freezer for a bit. I was storing them in the fridge but they don't seem that cold or full of moisture.

I thought I would experiment and stick them in the freezer for a bit to see how it compares.

I really miss the Mr Freeze ice poles, they seem to contain the least excess sugar and flavourings but they are never in stock.

I'm going to get the milk lollies and some Barratts milkshake lollies. Apparently at least the milk ones are the healthiest to get in terms of calories, sometimes I'm not hungry or I just want something sweet or cooling during summer.

Those seem to fit the bill. When I was consuming ice cream, my favourites were the cornettos, feast, magnum and cookies and cream as most of those had the yummy nuts included.

But they are all tooo sweet and calorific and I'm still trying to make more sensible choices.

As for the new template thing. I think I've just gotten tired of trying to find a theme that embodies me, instead of something feminine and cute that looks more put together and less sloppy.

I hate that the white font is hard to read and if I can find a way to change it without messing up the other fonts I'll do it eventually. but it took me so long to find something that displayed correctly and that I loved so I don't want to mess it up.

#BlogLife327 - Her big fat fab life?

How are you all doing? I'm really just trying to distract myself. I popped out to get some slippers and lunch and stuff but I couldn't be bothered to shop much.

The sun was beating down, I could barely see and my stomach wouldn't settle. I went in to a shop to check my oyster travel card amount and that had just over £20 on it.

Then I bought some Halls lemon throat sweets but within a few minutes the wrapper had melted onto the sweet and I couldn't separate it.

Ugh I was so aggravated. I tried to get the slippers but no mule options in my size. Those are the ones with the covered toes.

I bought a panini chicken salad and a baguette that I stuffed in the fridge. I did have the panini but although I enjoyed it, again it just made the queasiness stronger.

I'm currently laying down. I did get about 5 hours sleep maybe. I want to have a nap but I'm not tired enough yet.

I guess the good news is, I didn't miss Hermes. They are due from now, upto 1.30pm and it's just before 12pm now with my tops.

I'm watching the new episode of My Big Fat Fab Life, it's season 10 and episode 1.

It's sad to hear with all the abundant health issues, Babs her mama, had another stroke and was hospitalised.

Plus her papa and brother, developed corona and are isolating.

When she said that she's used to leaning on her papa for support. I thought, this is the time, you let him lean on you.

Be there for someone else. I agree with some of the things she says and does but she's a lil too internal.

She needs to embrace other's opinions, even if they differ and she should offer choices and not dictate.

The other thing I found strange was Lennie is now back but she claims to be still courting Frenchie or Pepe Le Pew as Lennie calls him.

She seems flirty and he always seems genuinely receptive. I don't know if he's acting or not, who knows?

The thing he seemed miffed about was when Whitney alleged, I showed Frenchie a photo of you and he wasn't threatened.

Unnecessarily rude. She could have said, we're just committed and trusting, even though it's long long longgg distance.

I'm not completely convinced they are still together. I just think it makes more sense if someone is willing to be filmed because they will be transparent and outed eventually anyway.

At least she would know he's 100% single and upfront. Then again, lots of backlash have occurred for guests on the show.

Social media can be a hateful place..

How come she didn't know Ashley was preggers with her second child? I thought they were besties??

Her friends are always sweet, enabling but caring enough to bring the family food and cook for them.

Ooh 12.30pm my tops just came. I'm so relieved they fit nicely, look even better and have really long sleeves woop :)

#BlogLife326 - Dear moi - A love/hate letter

I knew I was feeling okay, not sad or lonely or lost. I didn't think of you any longer, only pondered on how easy it was to open up to you and have freeing conversations.

I don't miss you but I feel that loss. I believe I will eventually find that again but maybe it won't feel the same?

I feel tired without the daytime naps, sleep just isn't coming unfortunately, it definitely impedes the creative flow.

There are old and new stories left to write but I'm not sure how to get rid of this block or is it more of a lock?

I've stepped back and maybe I'm reassessing myself once more.

Do I feel like I have the freedom to be me and not feel judged? No!

I know my schedule has gotten fuller and that thankfully is stopping me visiting family.

I'm sorry but I'm exhausted with being made to feel I am always wrong and incapable of accomplishing anything in your eyes.

Do you want me to be unhappy? Would that make your day?

Part of me wants a relationship with you and it's there but it's hollow and fakish.

The other part is hugging myself and whispering don't worry I'll protect you, you'll be mentally/physically safe.

It won't be the same, like how it was when you were younger, isolated and frozen with alarm bells going off.

I'm not even initiating calls anymore because you know what you do??

Ignore them or as soon as someone else calls, say omg, I have to go and take that, really good parenting for your daughters self esteem.

No wonder I can never relax and always feel like a burden for existing!

Great job!! Damn this sucky heatwave is back and so is my nausea.

I'm trying to sip a drink and hope that my stomach stops lurching, normally eating cures it but not this time.

I'm dealing with some more stress, a situation which I thought I had dealt with has come back up and all the ways they told me how to resolve it, don't work.

I've tried my best and been cooperative with the details but they are so vague.

I've done what I could and hopefully that will suffice, if not I'll have to ring them and ask what the hell they want from me??

Sometimes I've read something I've written and it doesn't even seem like I'm the author as I like it so much and it seems polished.

How could I have composed that? I'm not that good of a writer. Half the brighter summer wardrobe is here.

The bras arrived yesterday and look really cute. The tops I'll probably see if I can re-schedule for Wednesday as Hermes 2 day delivery, seems to be 3. Ugh!

I'm sorry if you hate the new themes, I'm experimenting and wanting something cheery.

I'll keep working on it but I have a lot on my plate, at the moment.

#BlogLife325 - Summer glow

I have been trying to be careful and budget but there was a few items that I really did need.

I kept faithfully checking the stock levels at Marks and Spencers and today my blue and pink bras were in stock yay.

I quickly bought them and paid for the weekend postage. It stated they were coming from different stores and might be delivered late..

I'm not sure how that is supposed to work with priority deliveries. I guess I will find out.

I think I've played it safe with darker colours so I guess even though no-one will see it, I felt like being brighter and more playful in my choices.

I also saw a multi print top that was mostly blue and grey and another long sleeved top that was like tiger print but more subtle and that had various colours.

I picked the blue/purply looking type. I hope the sleeves are really long, I hate when they stop in the middle of the wrist.

I much prefer them to cover it completely and then some as I always pull them down.

I know it's summer and I'm supposed to wear short sleeves but I've never liked my arms so that's out.

I want to be comfy when I'm out, not self conscious. The tops are due with hermes, maybe early next week.

I hope it isn't Tuesday as I won't be here. The Marks is either DPD or Hermes/Evri.

It's difficult to navigate away from the safe drab dark shades because I'm used to covering up and blending in.

It's a pickle when you're caught in between wanting to not be noticeable and still needing to be seen a lil.

I've felt the same way even when I barely had meat on my bones, it's a confidence thing and mine fluctuates.

But I do relish picking out pretty items and I do get noticed but nowadays I'm not thinking it's negative..

I'm choosing to believe they are admiring my fashion sense and wondering where I purchased it.

The hardest thing was ditching my jacket in the summer where I'm all safely hidden no bulgy bits are not on display.

Big arms, legs, tum tum. However I just chose to spin it to the positive, that I got to show off these beautifully patterned outfits, no matter what my size.

Which helped immensely. I think that's why I'm so fussy. A part of me will always feel as though people are looking and scoffing at my voluptuousness and thinking ugh, how unattractive.

These days I'm dong better, with or without makeup. I'm just listening to music and trying to see myself as someone who is and looks as good as anyone else!!

Whatever you wear and get upto this weekend. Try and feel that inner glow and fuzziness about yourself.

#BlogLife324 - Asmr that isn't asmr

Just tried out the Walls vegan plant based sausage roll, I didn't know they did a version like this.

I was optimistic that I would like it but it is awful, very bland unlike Quorn which is more flavourful and seasoned.

The pastry is soft and thick and appealing but it's like eating nothingness so I wouldn't recommend it.

I also tried Pret A Manger's Salt beef roll with pickles and salad. I loved the fresh crunchy vegetables inside, those were different and tasty.

I would have preferred chunks of beef, rather than slices, the thing which let me down was the super hard, stale tasting bread. It was so hard and dry that it put me off from ordering it again in the future.

Right now on to the title..

I am an asmr addict so I have watched a lot of videos and I know the artists work hard but some of it just isn't relaxing.

It is a personal thing, what appeals to me, will not necessarily gel with you.

It's basically sound effects that relax you and keep you focused or put you to sleep.

It is a whole broad range, some people ramble, some tell stories, some create roleplays like visiting a friend etc

You can just search for talking or non talking versions. I listen to both, depending on my mood or what I'm doing.

When I'm trying to sleep, it has to be non talking, as a voice is too distracting in my ear.

1. I dislike low quality mikes used as when the artist whispers, I have to turn my volume up to the maximum just to hear them and I don't want to harm my speakers.

2. As I've said before, I'm not a fan of tapping. I find it the most irritating thing but others adore it, so it might just be me, as most artists enjoy this method, which frankly ruins the video for me.

3. Stomach rumbling noises. I guess to be fair people have to work around their schedule but if it were me and I was trying to make it as perfect as possible.

I would have a meal and then produce a video as the sound of someone's tummy gurgling away is a nuisance. Eating is essential, making videos is not.

4. Relaxing videos that are ruined because artists cannot be bothered to replay their work and listen to it.

Some videos start off fantastically but then change into bad ones simply because, an action is so quiet, the mike doesn't pick it up.

For example I'll be writing away listening to the sounds of sweeping, rainfall, brushing, cleaning and then there will be minutes of silence incorporated, which makes me stop my momentum and check the video in case it has stalled..

When actually it is just a quiet action which isn't loud enough so it's really aggravating.

The whole point is to to have it playing in the background unaware so that I can get on with my day.

What is the point, if it feels like it isn't even any noises? A silent asmr video, defeats the purpose!!

#BlogLife323 - Apparently I'm a faux?! Updated

Do you ever feel you misrepresent yourself or others make you feel you are fabricating the truth?

I frequently feel like that..

1. Faux claustrophobia..

Today I was in a lift and now tight spaces can make me feel unnerved. It just felt like there was no air at all, and I was just telling it to hurry up before I vomited or fainted.

2. Faux disabilities...

I recently got asked when during the day does the pain kick in? I wanted to smack the person because it's not on a bloody regiment.

It doesn't tap me on the shoulder and say......Ahem, the pain shall be commencing at 11.59am precisely, get prepared Mademoiselle.

It doesn't work like that, there are many factors, did I sleep well? Are my bones pre strained already and not rested?

What am I doing today? Staying in or going out? Was I away from home, the day before? All these factors come into play.

3. Faux dyslexia..

I've always had it, where I read sentences in my head aloud so it's like my brain has auto correct and replaces my spelling mistake or word with what it should be, not what it is.

Takes me a couple of reads to actually spot some errors and go back and correct them.

4. Faux dysphagia

I had to look this up. It means swallowing issues and I've had that all my life too.

I was taught I should only have a drink after or before eating but never during.

I kept trying to follow the rules but my throat closes up and I need to keep drinking before, during and after the meals to keep it relaxed and open.

Otherwise I feel like I'm choking, about to throw up and there is this uncomfortable, excessively dry tightness.

I can't actually think of anymore and food is calling but can you relate? Are you a faux?

I'm trying to mix up my routine so some foodie reviews coming tomorrow, unless something dramatic happens and I bump the post but highly doubtful.

I predict the rest of the week will be quiet. None of these have been formally diagnosed so they have all been ignored and I'm made to feel I exaggerate!

#BlogLife322 - Tuesday's waffle

If you are wondering how the Aveeno lotion and the vaseline type substance of Cocoa Butter are working, well..

It's the type of products that are good in the moment and effective but once you stop using them, you lose the benefits.

Temporary band-aid, short term, not long term relief from dry skin.

That's why I've never understood the Cocoa Butter hype, for me it's just meh and never worth the money.

Oops I've just checked myself out in the full length mirror as I forgot to do that earlier and my lips look so dry.

They don't feel it but I usually put lip balm to soften, blot it, then lip gloss that has a tint of pink, purply or honey and then a clear thick sparkly or non sparkly gloss to finish it off, so that it looks smooth.

It's actually a nice soft shade of pink for darker skin but it needed to be blended.

This is my excuse. I totally forgot I wasn't wearing face masks anymore and excitedly applied it and couldn't find the clear gloss so I left thinking it looked alright.

I didn't want to miss my bus and what happened? It was running late, stupid people didn't store away their luggage/oversized bags..

I got pushed out before reaching the Market and the next bus stalled. Good job I was early anyway to do bits and pieces.

I decided to raid Tesco and the fridge section was restored so I grabbed some chicken pasta, avocado sandwiches and wraps plus cream/jam doughnuts and that was it.

Only at the checkout she said it's easier to get the meal deal, add a drink but at that point my body was locking up so I passed.

Nice to be home and relaxing, I have been fighting nausea again, so feel a fraction dizzy.

Hopefully after munching will nap or at least lounge and re-hydrate.

I wore this fire top and plain trousers and for the first time didn't wear a top underneath. I felt so naked lol.

The wind kept blowing my top, slightly up but I didn't flash anyone. Those days are long gone....

#BlogLife321 - Slow morning

It's 2pmish and I haven't had brekkie/lunch. I woke up a few times again last night and kept having strange dreams.

It wasn't nightmares just random oddness that I can't piece together but I managed to keep going back to sleep as I knew tomorrow would be a long day.

Popping out for a few things and hoping the nausea/cramps keep themselves at bay.

I really need to do some home beauty treatments. My nails are growing but keep chipping, I have to even them out.

Do you prefer square or round tips? Square for me as it makes it easier to file and maintain the shape so they all look the same.

No matter what I do, they remain weak and easily tearable. I also have to pluck my brows but I hate doing the right eye, it is so awkward.

I also have to epilate my legs, which I tell myself to do and then other things get in the way.

It's just mainly the lower legs because my thighs are mostly permanently smooth now, except the knees.

If I feel the back of my thighs, there hasn't been regrowth for ages. They do say long term epilating stops the hairs growing but I find it's only certain areas.

My arms and hands still have hair which is unfortunate but I've stopped removing it now.

I used to be self conscious about it but now I guess I'm not so worried about looking a lil scruffy.

Most of me is put together well, cute clothes, cute style, makeup at times.

Hair neatly put together, when I have the time so it just feels like a natural thing to leave it.

If you don't like it........Don't look at it!

For the first time in days, yesterday my lenses didn't fog up. I'm not sure if it was because it was milder but it was a joy not to have to take them out and re-insert just to see.

I've started putting the drops in the fridge, maybe that helped?